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A Chicago woman in her 20s received a rare double-lung transplant after recovering from COVID-19. “What a set of lungs!” said men looking at her, for a different reason than usual.

A couple in Thailand was sentenced to 723 years in prison for pulling a scam on customers of their seafood restaurant. The scam was opening a Long John Silver’s.

A new book claims Melania Trump renegotiated her prenuptial agreement as a condition of moving to the White House. The contract’s White House Amendment was added just below the Banging Porn Stars Amendment.

Pro golfers gathered in Fort Worth, Texas for the Charles Schwab Challenge, as the PGA Tour resumed inaction.

Fox News evening host Sean Hannity is reportedly dating Fox & Friends morning host Ainsley Earhardt. Hannity would not confirm, saying “I do not discuss my personal life in public … only crazy conspiracy theories and bigotry.”

Seattle protestors took over several Capitol Hill city blocks to create a police-free Autonomous Zone. It has a smoking area, a medic station, several shrines to victims of police violence, and six Starbucks.

Kelly Clarkson filed for divorce from husband Brandon Blackstock. She changed the title of her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone’ to ‘Now That U Gone’.

Wayne Brady’s Instagram post – a Whose Line Is It Anyway? improv sketch about racism -has gone viral, marking the first time millions of people willingly watched improv.

Google’s video-calling app, Google Meet, rolled out noise cancellation to minimize background annoyances like dogs barking and keyboard clicks. Though some users claim noise cancellation results in their bosses’ ideas going silent.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner celebrated the five-year anniversary of their parent Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transition, which they commemorated with a platinum Life Alert bracelet.

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‘The Bachelor’ Peter Weber and Madison Prewett reportedly broke up just days after Weber selected Prewett on the series finale. They’re taking some time apart before looking to meet people on other tv shows.

Comcast announced they’re providing free broadband to low-income households during the coronavirus crisis. To qualify, customers just need to call a toll-free number and speak to a live person, which should take about three weeks.

Ikea launched a new Botanisk line of indoor gardening products. So, good luck figuring out how to put together a fern.

The wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tested positive for coronavirus. Nine out of ten women still say they’d trade places with her.

A viral video shows people in Siena, Italy – quarantined within their houses – joining together in song at their windows. The sad part is the song was ‘Seasons In The Sun’. [story h/t to Joe M.]

The PGA Tour announced The Masters tournament will be postponed. In its place, CBS Sports will air four days of Tiger Woods painting a small deck and watching it dry.

Buffalo Wild Wings is changing its order sizing. Instead of ordering small, medium, or large portions of wings, customers will now order by quantity of 6, 10, 15, 20 or 30 wings. Amidst the change, company executives assure the public that the wings will still suck.

Ring upgraded its latest doorbell security cameras with new crime-prevention upgrades, including precise motion-tracking zones, dual-band wifi compatibility, and bullets.

Starbucks CEO says its stores may temporarily ban in-person orders. Customers will have to use mobile or drive-thru ordering, and ask for baristas’ help stealing Splenda packets.

A Missouri third-grade teacher is encouraging students to wash their hands by ink-stamping them in the morning with her name, ‘Mrs. Woods’, then making sure it’s washed off by day’s end. An 11th grade teacher is doing the same, but students are wondering why her phone number is on it too.

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The United States and the Taliban reached tentative agreement on a ‘seven day reduction in violence’. “Okay, fellas, take the rest of the week off” said the head Taliban guy to his staff of decapitators.

A 98-year-old Pennsylvania woman still sells Girl Scout cookies. She said this year she’s raising more money than last year, when she gave the order form to her Mom to bring in to her work. [story h/t to KN]

The United States evacuated most American passengers on a cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus. Some passengers refused to be evacuated, continuing to camp out next to the buffet waiting for the crab legs to arrive.

Tiger Woods may skip the Summer Olympics Golf Tournament in Japan, because he’s just not that into Asian chicks.

Donald & Melania Trump attended the Daytona 500 and issued the traditional command for racers to start their engines, but only after mistakenly yelling “fore” twice.

Melania was offered the chance to ride in a NASCAR race car, but declined after circling it for an hour trying to find the back seat.

Police in Northern California found 1,400 marijuana plants and seized 440 pounds of marijuana from inside of a building, then they finished giving their speech at the elementary school’s Career Day.

A girl and ten of her friends celebrated her 8th birthday at an Atlanta-area Target store, dressing in red shirts and khakis as employees. All were busted attempting to shoplift Barbies and fleeing through the employee exit.

Jon Bon Jovi is selling his French chateau mansion in New Jersey for $20 million. It’s the priciest French estate in New Jersey, worth ten times as much as a Au Bon Pain in Newark.

Augusta National Golf Club, home of The Masters, unveiled its latest renovation, a tunnel connecting the course to the ‘broadcast village’ used by CBS and ESPN. It’s the most expensive structure built on the grounds since they finished the bungalow for Tiger Woods’ hookers.

 

 

 

 

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Colin Kaepernick held his own workout for NFL teams after the league-sponsored workout fell through. Kaepernick objected to a liability waiver requested by the NFL, and that his audition include a song & dance number to Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Golfer Russell Henley was penalized 8 strokes by the PGA Tour for violating the ‘one ball rule’ – using two different varieties of ball in the same round. Tour officials said he should have known he played four holes with a lacrosse ball.

Doyle’s Cafe, one of Boston’s longest-operating Irish bars, closed after 137 years. A young boy played bagpipes as patrons gathered together to listen and have one last drunken fistfight.

Former FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb said popular cannabis derivative CBD is unsafe and that its benefits are unproven. He made these remarks during his keynote address at OxyContinFest.

Two yachts worth $20 million were destroyed by fire in Fort Lauderdale. Florida firefighters fought the blaze with sandbags to sink them.

Safety experts warn that hackers use public USB phone-recharging stations to install identity-stealing malware, in a process called “juice-jacking”. They say this isn’t to be confused with the other juice-jacking, where grade school bullies beat up kids for their Capri Sun.

Bud Light is launching its own line of of fruit-flavored hard seltzer. It’s just regular Bud Light with different Starbursts smooshed into the can.

Victoria’s Secret model Devon Windsor got married over the weekend. She walked down the aisle twenty times in the same wedding dress, but with different sets of underwear.

Kylie Jenner modeled a pair of trendy $840 high-heeled “thong sandals”, then complained that the shoes were making her crotch hurt.

Two chemistry professors at Henderson State University in Arkadelphia, Arkansas face charges of producing methamphetamine. They’re expected to mount an aggressive defense, that meth-cooking is the only chemistry anyone in Arkansas wants to learn.

 

 

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An Apple corporate memo warning employees against leaking confidential information was, itself, leaked. Apple said that in 2017, 29 employees were terminated for leaking information – 12 were arrested, and 17 factory workers returned to 7th grade.

Ryan Fish, a 23-year-old Connecticut substitute teacher, was arrested for starting a “classroom fight club”, where he encouraged fistfights between students while other students recorded on their phones and cheered. He was charged on multiple counts of endangering children before returning in time to ring the bell for 4th-period geometry.

A 20-year-old Florida mother was arrested and charged with letting her 2-year-old smoke meth and pot. The county sheriff’s office said people joked about the toddler’s ability to roll joints. The mother faces multiple drug and neglect charges. The child was awarded a scholarship to a Florida academy for gifted children.

Comcast announced that it will partner with Netflix to bundle Netflix access in cable tv packages. Comcast said they want the ability to provide all of Netflix’ hit content, and Netflix said they want Comcast’s help making it f*cking impossible for customers to cancel Netflix.

Founder and CEO Elon Musk promised that Tesla will soon make money — for other people besides him.

PGA golfer Kelly Kraft struck a flying bird with his tee shot on the par-3 14th hole at the RBC Heritage tournament. Kraft’s ball fell into a water hazard, forcing him to take a double bogey – but since the bird had yelled “dilly dilly” he was okay with hitting it.

Three male survivors of a Chilean Catholic church sex abuse scandal will meet with Pope Francis at the Vatican. The survivors are expected to refuse the Pontiff’s offers to join him on the sofa and have something to drink.

Singer Huey Lewis has cancelled all of his 2018 shows, saying that he’s suffered almost complete hearing loss. He’s hoping for a recovery, but told his audiologist if this is it, please let him know.

Ahead of Saturday’s induction ceremonies, Jon Bon Jovi made a surprise appearance at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on Friday – the biggest surprise since his band actually got voted in.

A multi-state E.coli outbreak has been traced to chopped romaine lettuce. Health officials said that if you have bagged chopped romaine lettuce, you should throw it out; adding that if you don’t know if the lettuce is romaine, you should throw it out – and then learn how to read.

Starbucks’ CEO apologized for the treatment of two black men, arrested at a Philadelphia location for being in the coffee shop and asking to use the restroom without ordering anything. Kevin Johnson said the actions toward black people are not consistent with the company’s values, but hey, have you tried our new BLONDE espresso drinks?

Gay rights activist and environmental attorney David Buckel died after setting himself on fire in a Brooklyn park in a “protest suicide”. He leaves behind one hell of a carbon footprint.

 

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Barry Lubin, 65, who performs in the Big Apple Circus as ‘Grandma the Clown’, resigned after a former female aerialist in the circus said he pressured her to pose for pornographic photos when she was just 16. In a statement, Lubin said “what I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Honk. Honk.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview with The Guardian that he doesn’t want his 10-year-old nephew on social media. Cook prefers kids that age to focus on other things, like assembling iPads.

In the wake of the U.S. corporate tax cut, Starbucks announced that they’re spending $120 million on higher wages for workers, and that eligible hourly workers will receive a bonus check of $500 with the wrong name written on it.

A 1.7-billion-year-old chunk of Canada was found in Australia. The sedimentary sandstone rocks, native to Canada, were identified by their sensible toques and the gratitude they expressed to geologists for being found.

Tiger Woods told reporters that he’s ready to return to the Tour — the Stormy Daniels ‘Make America Horny Again’ Tour.

The Justice Department is threatening to subpoena 23 so-called ‘sanctuary cities’ for failure to comply with immigration regulations. Lawyers spent several hours Wednesday morning explaining to President Trump that issuing a subpoena to a city doesn’t mean everybody in the city needs to show up for the hearing.

Wednesday is National Peanut Butter day, in case you’re wondering why your single lady friend stayed home with her dog.

Toys R Us is closing 180 stores. Amazon is offering to pick up the slack, inviting parents to bring toddlers to the toy section of their warehouses for meltdowns.

A rare endangered North Atlantic right whale was spotted off the coast of Mexico; experts say it’s the same whale that was spotted in Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month. It’s unclear why the whale is choosing this pattern, but DEA agents want to speak to the whale about the contents of a large suitcase it’s carrying.

Chinese researchers successfully cloned two twin macaque monkeys, using the same method pioneered in 1996 to clone sheep. The monkeys are healthy, living in an incubator, but are impatiently asking anyone to clone some goddamned bananas.

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Major repairs mean that London’s iconic Big Ben will be silent for four years. Crews renovating The White House are asking the Big Ben crews for tips on how they can shut things up for four years there, too.

Merck CEO Kenneth Frazier resigned from President Trump’s Manufacturers Council in protest over Trump’s failure to promptly condemn white supremacists in Charlottesville. Trump slammed Frazier, tweeting that Frazier’s leaving will give him more time to “lower ripoff drug prices.” Trump then blew taxpayer money to return to his ripoff country club in Bedminster.

The St Louis Cardinals will hold Rally Cat Appreciation Day to honor the stray cat that ran on to the field last week, inspiring a Cardinals comeback victory over the Royals. In addition to t-shirts, fans attending September’s appreciation day will get Rally Cat Food and sleep through the entire game.

The Toronto Blue Jays called up U.S. Army veteran Chris Rowley from their minor league team to pitch for them on Saturday. Americans envied Rowley’s ability to land a fun, high-paying job in Canada.

New research finds that goldfish can internally convert carbohydrates into alcohol, explaining why goldfish have such a hard time finding and keeping a job.

A 16 year old is running for Governor of Kansas, and his 17 year old friend is his running mate. Debate prep has already begun, with the challenger practicing telling the incumbent Governor “no,  you suck.”

Pro golfer Ian Poulter engaged in a heated argument with a rules official at the PGA Championship, over whether his lost ball had entered a hazard. For his poor behavior, he was assessed golf’s harshest penalty – being told that he wasn’t very polite.

Amazon is issuing refunds for what it’s saying are faulty eclipse glasses – Amazon is advising that they should not be used to watch the eclipse, but that they are still safe to see through women’s clothing.

A 27 year old motorcyclist survived a 250-foot plunge off of a cliff in California’s Santa Monica Mountains near Los Angeles, captured on his GoPro camera. The cyclist was eventually taken to a hospital to be treated for a broken back, after he finished four more takes.

The Internet is abuzz over the Ta-Ta Towel, a $45 bra-like towel that women can wear to dry their breasts. While some criticize the high price, fans of the towel like its functionality, and say it’s also good for carrying produce or their bowling balls.