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Melania Trump invited Joshua Trump, an 11-year-old from Wilmington, Delaware who claims he’s been bullied because of his last name, to attend the State of the Union address. “Hey, whatever gets me out of Wilmington, Delaware” said Joshua.

  • Joshua fell asleep at the State of the Union, and awoke to find that he’d gotten $5 million in donations to run for a Delaware congressional seat as a Democrat.

President Trump said he’ll build a “human wall” if necessary on the Southern U.S. border — adding he’s encouraged by the flood of applications already received from Guatemalan immigrants seeking to be human bricks.

A North Carolina college student living in an off-campus apartment thought her home was haunted by ghosts, but then found a 30-year-old man in her closet wearing her clothes. Police said it isn’t a first for a North Carolina man wearing women’s clothing to stay in the closet.

New York Giants QB Eli Manning and wife Abby welcomed their fourth child, Charlie, just after midnight on Super Bowl Sunday. The baby would have arrived late Saturday, but Manning let the clock run a full 35 seconds before changing the play to Big Push.

The Los Angeles Dodgers finally revealed that a 79-year-old woman died after being struck by a foul ball at Dodger Stadium during a game last August. Paramedics were credited with a blown save.

In NHL action, the San Jose Sharks defeated the Winnipeg Jets in their annual ‘Manitoba Side Story’ game.

Roger Alvarado, 22, was sentenced to six months in jail for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York townhouse. Alvarado used the shower, slept in Swift’s bed, and co-wrote the diss track about him for Swift’s next album.

Richard Branson announced Virgin Voyages – an adults-only cruise line launching with new cruise ship Scarlet Lady in 2020. In keeping with the 21-and-over theme, the Scarlet Lady will take to the seas with a strain of norovirus first placed in a petri dish in 1998.

Kendall Jenner debuted new bangs. Her hair, not NBA player/boyfriends.

Google released Password Checkup, a new Chrome browser security extension. It tells you if your recent passwords have been detected in a data breach, and tells everyone whose password is PASSWORD or PASSWORD1 that they’re on their own.

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A 22-year-old Virginia woman found a metal hook inside of her Playtex Simply Gentle Glide tampon. The company said they’d refund her $7 purchase, and apologized for the hook, and the worm on it.

An Indiana middle school student told Apple’s Siri assistant “I’m going to shoot up a school”, then posted a screenshot of a list of local schools Siri gave in response. His friends told police and he was arrested. Reached for comment, Siri said she just wanted to get that crazy kid out of her house.

Deals site Simple Thrifty Living researched the cheapest state to buy cases of Miller Lite and Bud Light beer. Michigan was the cheapest at an average of $14.62 per case; Pennsylvania was most expensive at $21.98.  Pennsylvania’s Liquor Control Board said that, while beer is more expensive, there are more choices for liver transplant surgery.

Randi Zuckerberg said her father offered her and her brother, Mark, the option to own & operate a McDonald’s franchise instead of going to college. Mark decided to go to Harvard, drop out and start Facebook, since he didn’t think he’d be able to harvest and sell as much personal information from a McDonald’s franchise.

A pregnant Catholic school teacher in Pennsylvania claims she was fired from her job because she’s having a child out of wedlock with her boyfriend. School administrators don’t dispute her story, but wish she’d claimed Immaculate Conception because then everyone would have been cool with it.

New Jersey will gradually raise the minimum wage to $15/hour by 2024. The move is expected to make New Jersey a more appealing life and work destination for no one.

The White House says President Trump’s Tuesday State of the Union address will be ‘Unifying’ and ‘Optimistic’ — adding that instead of a speech, Trump will be addressing the country with a rerun of The West Wing.

Democratic Congressmen are still planning to attend the State of the Union, most after finding they can’t get more than $5 for their seats on Stubhub.

Jury deliberations began in the New York felony trial of Mexican druglord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Deliberations are expected to be prolonged because of the time involved to provide all of the jurors with completely new identities.

The City of Philadelphia is proposing a ban on cashless businesses, saying they discriminate against the poor. The legislation is supported by Councilman Bill Greenlee, and the head of the Philadelphia Armed Robbers Union.

The body of a man found dead in Tennessee’s Great Smoky Mountains had died of a meth overdose before being partially eaten by a bear. The bear was ultimately euthanized after three unsuccessful attempts at rehab.

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Sunday marked the 60th anniversary of the deaths of Richie Valens, Buddy Holly & The Big Bopper from a plane crash in Iowa. Also, the New England Patriots defeated the Los Angeles Rams in the worst Super Bowl ever. February 3rd will now be remembered as The Day The Music Died, and The Day The Football Died.

Maroon 5 performed at halftime of the Super Bowl, making it The Day The Music Died Again.

Consumer research revealed mixed results regarding which Super Bowl ad was the best, but unanimously showed that all of the ads were more interesting than the game.

In Philadelphia, a man’s pants caught fire after being tasered by security guards outside of a cheesesteak restaurant. The victim’s condition was unavailable, but he promised never to order a steak with swiss cheese ever again.

Rapper 21 Savage is facing deportation from U.S. Immigration & Customs Enforcement, who claim he’s in the U.S. illegally. It’s also been revealed that 21 Savage may actually be British, since the name on his passport is 21 Heathen.

President Trump spent part of Friday in a roundtable discussion on human trafficking, telling those assembled that, in his experience, there isn’t any real money in it.

Science journal BMJ stated that there’s no evidence to support the notion that eating breakfast promotes weight loss. They cite the results of 13 different clinical trials, and McDonald’s serving breakfast all day.

General Motors is starting to lay off 4,000 salaried workers. Impacted employees turning on their work computers saw an indicator needle pointing to the letter E.

Kristoff St. John, 52, who portrayed Neil Winters on CBS’ ‘The Young and the Restless’, died over the weekend. Or….did he??

Rapper Bow Wow and his girlfriend Leslie Holden were each arrested for assault following a physical altercation at their home. Bow Wow was allegedly angry at Holden for the attention she gave to another man at a party – claiming he saw her sniffing his butt.

 

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New England Patriots Rob Gronkowski was criticized for a lewd response to a woman reporter’s question. When asked about returning next season, Gronk said “you guys know my favorite number..ask her..what’s six times nine plus six plus nine?’ ” Gronkowski, who attended the University of Arizona, genuinely didn’t know the answer.

Newsweek reported that President Trump had nothing listed on his official schedule this week except for lunch and an intelligence briefing. “Who the f*** accepted the intelligence briefing?” he shouted at acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.

Researchers at Columbia University have trained artificial intelligence to read brain activity and turn it into speech — great news, except for men looking at women who definitely don’t want their brain activity turned into speech.

Dietitians are warning Americans about the OMAD [One Meal A Day] Diet, a form of intermittent fasting. They’re worried about dieters who follow OMAD’s ’23 hours fasting, one hour of food’ rules, and more worried about the ones whose one meal lasts 23 hours.

Maroon 5 canceled a scheduled news conference to discuss the band’s Super Bowl halftime performance — arguably, the only badass thing they’ve ever done.

MoviePass competitor Sinemia dropped their prices and added a feature allowing subscribers to roll over unused screenings to the next month. This, in addition to Sinemia’s new brand campaign reminding people it’s not a psoriasis drug.

Samsung announced they’re making a 1 TB memory chip for smartphones. Samsung said its power users demand more onboard storage, since they dislike saving their homemade porno movies to the cloud.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook discussed the company’s favorable financial results, attributing them to food delivery, more modernized stores, improving their app, and putting a ton of salt in everything.

Kohl’s is partnering with Weight Watchers. They’ll offer in-store workshops and diet coaching for members in the program, and larger sizes for those who quit.

The death toll from the Midwest’s extreme polar cold wave stands at 11. More deaths are expected to be confirmed as soon as the ice is chipped off of people’s necks to check their pulse.

Consumer Reports tested 45 different fruit juice drinks and found 21 contained harmful levels of cadmium, arsenic & lead. There are no reports yet of children being harmed by the high levels of metal, but the kids drinking it are all heavier.

 

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The partial Government shutdown cost the U.S. economy $3 billion. The only other organization where it costs that much for 800,000 people to not work for a month is Walmart.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced on ’60 Minutes’ that he’s “seriously considering” a run for President. Starbucks baristas are already writing on cups: ‘Harold Schwartz 2020!’

Fox Television aired a pre-recorded version of ‘Rent’ for its ‘Rent Live!’ telecast Sunday night, after lead actor Brennin Hunt – who played Roger – was injured in dress rehearsal. It was either air the recording, or do the show live and have Roger say he got AIDS from a sprained ankle.

New research finds that participation in youth sports results in stronger bones for teens and young adults. The findings were confirmed by an independent panel of bullies who all agreed it’s easier to break the bones of kids who aren’t athletes.

American and Taliban officials have reportedly agreed to a framework of a deal which could lead to a pullout of U.S. troops in exchange for the Taliban leaving areas of Afghanistan. The Taliban says they’ll sign it as soon as they figure out who to decapitate to get the blood for the signature.

‘Teen Mom’ star Kailyn Lowry fired back at critics after she admitted to not vaccinating two of her three children. Lowry said she knows what’s best for her children, except for how to prevent having them while a teenager.

A student in Belgium died after reheating and eating spaghetti that had been left at room temperature for five days. A post-mortem exam revealed he died of bacterial poisoning from B. cereus — as in, “you can’t B cereus eating five-day old spaghetti.”

Glenn Close won a SAG Award for Best Actress in ‘The Wife’ — and also for her breasts.

President Trump is ‘..pissed off’ at former White House staffer Cliff Sims upcoming tell-all book ‘Team of Vipers’. Trump reportedly asks “who is this guy?”, calling Sims “the videographer” since he helped with weekly video messages. Staffers are asking Trump to ignore it, including Mike Pence. “Pence? Who is this guy?” Trump said.

A Business Insider poll states that one in three iPhone owners aren’t upgrading because of high prices and a lack of new features. “Hey, I have a family to feed!” said a worried 10-year-old on an iPhone assembly line.

 

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Absenteeism from the flu outbreak has closed schools in 12 different states. Students are reminded to practice good hygiene like hand-washing, and not kissing the teacher they’re having sex with if she or he has the flu.

Astrophysicists from Spain accessing the Hubble Space Telescope released what they’re calling “the deepest images of the universe ever taken from space” – resulting in the researchers seeing millions of hidden stars, and thousands of billboards for Pedro’s South of the Border.

MLB’s San Diego Padres are officially switching back to brown & gold uniforms starting with the 2020 season. The Padres used brown as their primary color from 1969, when they first formed, through 1991, when they decided they were tired of looking like dung.

A 10-year-old Kentucky boy won his science fair with a project calling QB Tom Brady a cheater, by showing underinflated footballs are thrown more accurately. The boy’s findings and project stunned adults who couldn’t believe they hold science fairs in Kentucky.

A non-venomous carpet python in a toilet bit a 59-year-old Brisbane, Australia woman on the buttocks while she urinated. The woman was treated for her injury but still thanked the snake for putting the seat down.

President Trump agreed to reopen the U.S. Government for three weeks while Congress negotiates border security. Trump said he hasn’t ruled out using Executive Orders to declare two national emergencies — one to demand a border wall, and one to demand the year-round offering of McRib.

The New York Times reports Facebook plans to integrate back-office operations of its Messenger, Instagram & WhatsApp products, claiming it will be easier for them to steal and sell your personal data just once instead of three times.

The Centers for Disease Control linked an eight-state salmonella outbreak to hedgehogs. The CDC warned people not to “snuggle or kiss” hedgehogs —  real ones, not your boyfriends and girlfriends.

A new study in the journal ‘Science Advances’ suggests Alzheimer’s could be caused by a gum infection. Doctors found a high number of seniors with no teeth who couldn’t remember losing them.

A flight attendant died of an apparent heart attack on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Honolulu to New York.  Passengers described the cabin erupting in bedlam when they  realized they couldn’t locate the exits.

NYPD officer James Wong, 35, was arrested following an argument when he punched his 63-year-old mother in the face. Wong remains free on bond. He also remains a policeman, not a doctor like his mother wanted.

Tinder settled a price discrimination lawsuit for charging users over age 30 twice as much for their Tinder Plus premium product. Tinder defended the higher pricing, saying it offset costs of refunds demanded by younger users tricked into sex with geezers.

 

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Anne Hathaway said that she’s going to stop drinking alcohol for the next 18 years while she raises her child. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, then you realize at some point she’ll be reading reviews of ‘The Princess Diaries 3′.

A petition is circulating to get Maroon 5 to cancel their Super Bowl halftime show in support of NFL players’ right to protest, and also because it’s Maroon 5.

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that they’ll be offering the first ocean liner with an on-board roller coaster. The coaster will allow Carnival passengers who manage to avoid rampant norovirus to also get seasick.

John Travolta, in an interview with Us Weekly, credited the Church of Scientology with helping him through the unexpected death of his son 10 years ago – calling it some of the best money he’s ever spent.

YouTube says it will recommend fewer videos that spread political misinformation and conspiracy theories. Coming on the heels of their recently-announced ban of dangerous prank videos, people are justifiably questioning what’s left to watch.

Nike announced a deal to become Major League Baseball’s official uniform and footwear supplier starting in 2020. They asked for a one-year delay to allow time to find baseball players to kneel on the dugout steps during the National Anthem.

Ben Affleck was photographed leaving a dentist’s office with his mouth packed so full of cotton he couldn’t close it. He then checked into rehab for novocaine addiction.

Billionaire Michael Bloomberg used a speech in Virginia to liken Donald Trump to Freddy Krueger, adding that “instead of ..Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve got Trump and the Nightmare on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”. Critics were swift to point out the flaw, in that Freddy Krueger was actually pretty good at his job.

The air traffic controllers union says that flight delays at Laguardia, Newark & Philadelphia airports are a direct result of the government shutdown. While the baggage handlers union at Philadelphia’s airport say flight delays are hindering their ability to lose and steal luggage.

FBI agents stormed the Florida home of Roger Stone before dawn, arresting him on charges stemming from the Mueller investigation. A confused, agitated Stone appeared at his front door in pajamas, telling the middle-aged men that brunch didn’t start for five more hours.

 

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Apple will switch all iPhone displays to OLED starting in 2020, saying their customers demand the highest-resolution screen that breaks when it falls on the sidewalk.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier returned to work after crashing his rental car on a family ski trip to Montana. Baier thanked motorists and first responders for helping him and his family, then issued a blistering five-minute editorial blaming the icy, liberal highway.

Uber is rolling out Uber Rewards, its new loyalty program. The tiered system awards 1 point per dollar spent on Uber Pool or Eats, 2 points on UberX, 3 points on UberBlack, and 100 points for settling a sexual harassment lawsuit against a driver.

McDonald’s is offering ‘Bacon Hour’ from 4 to 5 p.m. on January 29th. Customers can get a free side of applewood smoked bacon with any purchase; McDonald’s said this is part of ongoing efforts to offer customers healthier options than their traditional menu.

Following their overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game, the Kansas City Chiefs fired their defensive coordinator Bob Sutton. Several Chiefs defensive players went to hug Sutton on his way out and missed.

Netflix joined the Motion Picture Association of America. Because the impact of those top-quality Adam Sandler movies on there just can’t be ignored any longer.

Cars.com named the Mazda MX-5 Miata winner of their “Most Fun Car to Drive” award. It’s the second of two awards for the two-seater convertible, the other being the “Car Most Guys Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In” award.

President Trump will not be allowed to give his State of the Union address in the House of Representatives, due to a refusal from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Trump is evaluating other locations, and is in talks with the Speaker of the House of Pancakes.

  • Trump is reportedly preparing different versions of his speech depending on where it’s given. If it’s in Washington, it starts “My fellow Americans and members of Congress.” If it’s at a campaign rally, it starts “Greetings, suckers.”

Microsoft reports that Bing is down in China. Several Microsoft employees were dispatched to help Bing back to her feet.

Hyundai is making a new airbag system, to protect passengers when a vehicle is hit several times in a single accident. Hyundai will field test cars that get hit multiple times, so they recruited 100 eighty-year-old drivers, and expect the results in a couple of hours.

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‘Crazy Rich Asians’ was shut out of Oscar nominations, drawing immediate, sharp criticism from crazy, rich, Asians.

  • ‘Black Panther’ became the first superhero movie to receive a Best Picture nomination – thrilling crazy, rich, Wakandans.

The Supreme Court temporarily upheld the Trump Administration’s ban on transgender persons in the military – simplifying the jobs of those in charge of military wardrobes.

Michael Gandolfini, son of dead actor James Gandolfini, will play Tony Soprano in a prequel film to ‘The Sopranos’.  Michael won the part with his audition tape – a video of him having sex to climax in 15 seconds wearing only a wifebeater and black socks on prom night.

22 cases of measles have been reported in Clark County, Washington state. Parents defended not vaccinating their children, believing they were in the clear when they kicked a kid named Rubella out of the play group.

Los Angeles school teachers agreed to terms on a deal that will end a six-day strike. Teachers said they’re looking forward to returning to work, but also that they really liked having a week to spend time with their favorite dropouts.

President Trump is looking at alternate dates & locations for the State of the Union, since Speaker Nancy Pelosi won’t invite him to do so before Congress. He’s reportedly asked to speak during the Super Bowl pregame, but networks don’t know how they’ll squeeze him in during those 12 hours.

Apple is running a contest to identify 10 of the best photos taken on an iPhone. Winning photos may be placed on billboards in large cities, depending on how those cities feel about 50-foot-wide pictures of penises and bare breasts.

A University of Michigan poll finds that 7 of 10 parents rely on “folklore strategies” – such as taking vitamin C & zinc; and staying indoors – to treat children’s common colds. Instead, parents should focus on hygiene such as hand washing,  and fun folklore solutions like whiskey drinking.

New research shows the number of Americans receiving liver transplants for alcohol-related liver failure steadily growing.  Experts credit excess drinking for those getting livers, and excess drinking and driving for those giving them.

Hundreds of Internal Revenue Service workers received permission to work from home during the partial government shutdown – meaning, your tax audit will likely happen via Facetime after your auditor gets back from a movie matinee.

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The FDA is considering recalling furloughed food safety inspectors, citing the popularity of Chipotle’s new Lifestyle Bowls.

Ford sold out of a new $110,000 variant of its Lincoln Continental in just two days – the car is the first in years with center-opening “suicide doors”.  Although the Mexican drug gangs purchasing most of the vehicles prefer calling them “drive-by doors”.

Uber is experimenting with self-driving bikes and scooters, for people who can’t afford riding in self-driving cars, but who still want to be involved in fatal accidents.

Samsung may release three different versions of its upcoming Galaxy S10 phone, so customers can choose whether they want to keep their pocket warm, start a fire on an end table, or burn their whole house down.

GoFundMe launched a fundraising campaign to help furloughed Federal government workers. For just $750, you can buy a Pentagon purchasing employee a bag lunch.

The National Football League announced the referees for the Super Bowl. They selected every on-field & replay official graded “terrible” during the regular season, so fans can set their expectations accordingly.

Chinese authorities declared the work of He Jiankui – creator of the first gene-edited babies – illegal. He engineered the babies to be resistant to HIV. Authorities said they may consider leniency if his ‘genetically engineered boys with huge penises’ idea pans out.

Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium – site of the Super Bowl – will keep ‘Fan First’ pricing in effect for concessions. Hot dogs will still be $2 and a beer will cost $5. The only exception: earplugs sold prior to the Maroon 5 halftime show, which will sell for $99.

Two women found a five-foot crater in the sand while walking on a New Jersey beach. They believe that it may have been caused by a meteorite strike, because of a rock they found in the center, and because Chris Christie hadn’t been to that beach in months.

President Trump marked Monday’s national holiday with a visit to the grave of Martin Luther King, Jr. Trump laid a wreath on the grave and wished King a belated Merry Christmas.