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A new type of malware was discovered that steals screenshots and other information off computers, based on code buried in memes posted to Twitter. The malware authors have already claimed the inaugural Nobel Prize in Social Media, for deterring dopes from posting more hackneyed Twitter memes.

Police and hackers discovered they can use 3D-printed replicas of someone’s head & face to unlock a smartphone. ISIS & Al Qaeda responded by requiring all their terrorists to wear sunglasses on Team Picture Day.

A California woman said Southwest Airlines made her surrender her pet beta fish before a flight, and that she had to give the fish to a stranger since the airline wouldn’t hold it. The woman said she had no idea where the fish ended up, but a guy using an airport toilet has a pretty good idea.

94301, Palo Alto, California is the U.S.’ most expensive zip code. based on a study by 24/7 Wall Street.  The least expensive zip code is Five Blanks, Mississippi, which is too poor to send or receive mail.

The state of California ended its plan to generate revenue by taxing text messages. California’s Department of Revenue announced the decision with this : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

According to a study posted in journal JAMA Pediatrics, children in Florida schools getting report cards on Friday showed a fourfold increase in incidents of domestic abuse on Saturday. Children in states with better schools knew enough to hide their lousy report cards until Monday.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly still interested in interviewing President Trump as part of the Russia probe. He’s so serious, he bought a long blonde wig & a tight dress and sent an audition tape to Fox News.

Ex-CBS CEO Les Moonves will not receive the $140 million severance stipulated in his contract, since a CBS investigation found numerous instances of both sexual misconduct – harassing women .. and professional misconduct – green-lighting ‘God Friended Me’.

According to the U.S. Postal Service, today is the last day to mail your b.s. Christmas letter in time to have friends & family members roll their eyes reading it before December 25th.

Alfonso Ribeiro is suing Epic Games and 2K Sports for copying his Fresh Prince of Bel Air ‘Carlton Dance’ in their Fortnite and NBA 2K games. Ribeiro states that he’s in the process of copyrighting the Carlton Dance, and also copyrighting the idea of a black guy being an uptight white loser.

 

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President Trump handled the coin toss at the annual Army/Navy football game. “Heads is Stalin, tails is the hammer & sickle” he said.

Nick Ayers, chief of staff for Vice President Mike Pence, declined to take the chief of staff role for Trump. Ayers was asked why he doesn’t want to work for the President; he replied that he will be working for the President once the Mueller probe wraps up.

A study of rats that had their uterus removed showed they had increased difficulty with cognitive function. The barren females had trouble completing difficult tasks since they were constantly being approached for casual sex by male rats that don’t want a family.

A man on an Orlando to Philadelphia flight gave up his first class seat so a woman with a sick baby could move up from coach. The woman couldn’t properly thank the man, so she took to Facebook to try and find him. The person with the first class seat adjacent to the sick baby also wants to find the man, to punch him.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones dismissed reports that he’s attempted to lure Jason Witten out of the ESPN Monday Night Football booth and back on to his former team. Fans who watch Monday night games and hear Witten encouraged Jones to keep trying.

The Miami Dolphins completed an improbable victory over the New England Patriots with a game-ending triple-lateral play resulting in a touchdown.  The Patriots thought Roughing the Passer should have been called, since Tom Brady’s feelings were hurt.

Nicki Minaj is reportedly dating Kenneth ‘Zoo’ Perry, a 40-year-old unmarried father of five who’s a registered sex offender in the state of New York. Minaj wanted to prove to other single women that not all of the good ones are taken.

Actor Kirk Douglas celebrated his 102nd birthday this week, beginning shooting on a new romantic comedy where a hot 29-year-old woman finds him irresistible for some reason.

Dentists are letting some patients wear virtual reality headsets while having work done in order to help them remain calm. The patients enjoy watching scenes that relax them, and the dentists enjoy doing root canals and fillings while nude.

Verizon announced 10,400 employees are voluntarily taking buyouts and leaving the company. “Can you hear me now? Okay, I quit” said 10,400 people.

 

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16 U.S. Postal Service workers were sentenced to prison for assisting drug traffickers by delivering packages containing cocaine on their routes. The scheme was discovered when cocaine was repeatedly delivered to the wrong houses. 

A new study of cognitive behavior published in the journal Learning & Behavior concludes that dogs aren’t as smart as humans think. The study covered spatial/physical/social/sensory cognition and found that all of that doesn’t outweigh eating from the cat’s litter box. 

McDonald’s is disputing London Metropolitan University’s test that every ordering touch-screen it swabbed in U.K. restaurants tested positive for fecal matter. McDonald’s is not, however, disputing that the same results were found in the food. 

Google CEO Sundar Pichai will appear before Congress to answer questions about anti-conservative bias in their filtering of news and search results. Congressmen will have the choice of beginning their questions with Mr. Pichai or Hey, Google. 

Marriott revealed a data breach, exposing the personal information of about 500 million guests, including credit information. A similar breach was revealed for Motel 6 customers, but their credit is so bad the hackers can’t do anything with it. 

Democrats plan to investigate the Trump Company’s plan to give Vladimir Putin a $50 million penthouse atop a proposed Trump Tower in Moscow. They also plan to investigate why the layout called for 10′ x 10′ floor-mounted urinals next to the bed. 

Billionaire Richard Branson is funding an expedition to determine what’s at the bottom of Belize’s Great Blue Hole – a giant ocean cavern 125 meters deep – believed to be the world’s largest repository of scuba diver’s lost GoPros and car keys.

In Philadelphia, a woman denied beer because she lacked the money ignited hairspray and used it as a flamethrower toward the cashier. No one was injured, and the owner extinguished the burning Busch. 

University of Wisconsin – LaCrosse Chancellor Joe Gow angered school officials, using $5,000 from the school to pay porn actress Nina Hartley for a lecture. 72 students attended the lecture; fewer students attended 30-minute meet-and-greets costing $250. 

Fox News hosts apologized for a Fox & Friends segment where Kid Rock called comedian Joy Behar a ‘bitch’. Vegas bookmakers then placed even-money odds on the Behar/Rock rap battle to settle the beef. 

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New Jersey lawmakers heard proposals to legalize recreational marijuana sales with a 12% added tax. Legal weed sold on Atlantic City and Wildwood boardwalks alone is projected to generate a zillion dollars in sales to local and tourist dirtbags. 

A mall in San Francisco is moving away from a centrally-located Santa on a large throne. Instead, Santa will roam the mall and stop for selfies with shoppers. But if asked, Santa will still sit down for a ‘sec so your small child can piss on his lap. 

  • “Who were those teenage girls I saw you making duck faces with?” asked an angry Mrs. Claus.

U.S. border agents fired tear gas at immigrants attempting to enter the country seeking asylum, including families with small children. “Great, now I have to sneak in next to a crying baby” said a road warrior immigrant. 

NASA’s InSight spacecraft successfully landed on Mars. It slowed from 12,000 miles per hour to 5mph as it neared the surface, right after it spotted a Martian State Police car. 

Police in Philadelphia are looking for the burglars who took $12,000 from a Family Dollar store — apparently right after the store sold 12,000 items. 

General Motors CEO Mary Barra confirmed her plan to let go of 15,000 employees. Barra said 1) this is really hard; 2) she wants to remember the great times they had together; 3) she hopes they can still be friends; & 4) that it’s not them, it’s her. 

President Trump slammed the GM cutbacks, saying that he spoke to CEO Barra and that he was “very tough” on her. Trump added that he’s sad to see the discontinued Chevy Cruze go, since he really loved driving his. 

Doctors and women are speaking out about a rash of cancer cases linked to ‘textured’ breast implants. Concerned women having their breasts examined are also warning fellow implant recipients that not everyone at the hospital asking to see their breasts are really doctors. 

A U.S. Border Patrol agent’s “gender reveal” stunt that caused a 45,000 acre brush fire was released by the Forest Service. He fired a shot at an exploding target that released blue powder, then burst into flames igniting the surrounding grass. Months later, his wife gave birth to a very hot boy. 

A group is warning against retrieval of the body of U.S. missionary John Chau’s body after he was murdered by the Sentinelese tribe. The warning comes from a group of sharks who aren’t done with it. 

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Fox News retracted its story about a man claiming to be a Navy SEAL who had made a glass presidential sculpture for Donald Trump. The man was never a SEAL and most of his service medals were fake. Fox News apologized and said it was the most grievous error they’d made that day. 

Hailey Baldwin confirmed her marriage to Justin Bieber, changing the name on her Instagram profile to Hailey Bieber. She becomes the 1,432,988th young female Instagram’er to change her last name to Bieber. 

Walmart shoppers on social media called their Black Friday sales ‘chaos’ and criticized them for running out of hot merchandise like iPhones. Walmart said they tried to keep things organized, pairing off like-sized shoppers so they fought in their own weight class. 

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled the Cincinnati Reds do not have to pay a sales tax on the bobbleheads they give to fans for promotions. The Reds successfully argued fans already pay sales tax on tickets, and since the team sucks, they must be paying for the bobblehead. 

According to research published in journal Nature, a specific sugar molecule – mannose – slows the growth of cancer cells. Cancer treatment hospitals promptly raised the price of Cap’n Crunch w Mannose to $2,000/bowl. 

The mayor of Tijuana declared a humanitarian crisis as a group of 5,000 migrants fleeing Central America arrived in the city. He said Tijuana is not ready to handle so many broke men & women making irrational decisions this far ahead of Spring Break. 

A Florida woman who ordered a box of 500 worms for her pet lizard captured video of a woman stealing the parcel off of her doorstep. The woman with the lizard said the thief got ‘karma’, but the woman stealing the box said the jokes on her, because she works for a Worm Rescue. 

An American missionary was killed by a remote tribe of Sentinelese off the Bay of Bengal near India, who have little to no interactions with outsiders. The missionary was unsuccessful converting them to Christianity, but the tribe was successful converting the victim to soup. 

Amazon is making adjustments to help Alexa get ready for the holidays, updating her responses to include “can’t everybody just leave me ALONE for twenty goddamn minutes?!..”

Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving apologized for saying “F*ck Thanksgiving” after a home loss to the New York Knicks on Wednesday night. Irving said he gets how his words were perceived, but claims he was just discussing his plans for having groupies over to his house Thursday. 

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Facebook rolled out a ‘Watch Party’ feature so friends can watch the same video together at the same time. “Oh my GOD your standup is SO funny!” said a Facebook friend seconds before closing the window and not realizing everyone else can see they’ve left. 

Walmart requested a refund of its campaign contribution to Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith after her controversial comments about public hangings and photos wearing confederate soldier gear. Hyde-Smith said she couldn’t return the cash but would give credit for future bribes. 

The CDC ordered that all romaine lettuce be disposed of due to an E. coli threat. “So, just the lettuce, or the pork and beef too?” asked a manager at Chipotle. 

A bipartisan group of U.S. senators is demanding President Trump share his belief over Saudi Crown Prince bin Salman ordering the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Which is fine, until you recall Trump believes he’s an A+ president and climate change isn’t real. 

Gordon Nobriga, a former flight attendant, received five years probation for video recording men and boys in public restrooms at an Arizona Walmart. The secret recording had gone undetected until Nobriga entered the restroom to get his phone, collect victims trash and point to the exit. 

A Bethlehem, Pennsylvania mom faces criminal charges after driving two miles with her 12-year-old son on the hood of her car when the boy refused to go to the dentist. They arrived at the dentist, who removed bugs from the boy’s teeth. 

Tumblr was pulled from the Apple iOS app store after child pornography was found on the service. “Oh, right, I had a Tumblr” said Jared Fogle from prison. 

A Milwaukee bus driver is being praised for allowing a homeless man to stay on her bus during her shift, then helping to find the man housing. The homeless man is grateful, but disappointed because he thought the bus was going to Phoenix. 

Amazon informed customers that a “technical error” resulted in the exposure of their name and email address. Customers with a ‘Dash button’ for adult diapers are on pins & needles hoping that’s all they got. 

The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Map service said that smoke from the California wildfires is visible in New York & New Jersey. The smoke is being cited in weak excuses by NY & NJ teenagers sparking up in the backyard when their parents ask ‘what’s that weird smell’?

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Comcast announced it’s rolled out 1 Gigabit/second speed availability to all of its residential internet customers. They’re encouraging people to sign up for the service and experience speeds about one-tenth as fast as advertised.

Greg Lansky, owner of Strike 3 Entertainment — a man who calls himself “the Steven Spielberg of porn” — is suing 40 ‘John Does’ in the Buffalo, NY area for pirating his adult content. The defendants have not been named, but dozens of 15-year-old boys are moving their allowances into offshore Cayman Islands accounts.

A school cafeteria manager in Nebraska resigned after admitting he made and sold chili to students containing kangaroo meat.  At a track meet the next day, a student broke the decades-old high jump record by a full foot.

Senator Mitch McConnell and his wife, Elaine Chao, were confronted by angry protesters on Friday night as they dined at a Cuban restaurant. McConnell said he was just there to enjoy his food and help ICE agents load a truck full of servers for deportation to Cuba.

A 22-year-old man arrested at Baltimore-Washington International Airport for possessing a firearm in his luggage blamed his mother, who he said did his packing.  As evidence, the man submitted a note attached to the .40 caliber rifle, reading “Have fun shooting someone! Call me. Love, Mom.”

Saudi Arabia confirmed that missing writer Jamal Khashoggi is dead. They said he was being interrogated when a fistfight broke out and he died. Asked where his body is, the Saudis said they gave it to a mortician, but that he got into a fistfight with a competing mortician and now they can’t find it.

Video surfaced of a male Coral Springs, Florida police officer repeatedly punching  the ribs of a 14-year-old girl, subdued and lying face-down on the ground outside of a mall. “I paid $49 for this?…” said UFC fight fans before realizing it wasn’t video of a UFC-sanctioned event.

Denis Hof, a Nevada entrepreneur who owned & operated two legal brothels, the Bunny Ranch & Love Ranch, died last week. Paramedics arrived to treat an ‘unresponsive male’, and were surprised to find a lifeless body, because ‘unresponsive males’ at the Bunny Ranch are usually treated with Cialis.

A large, inflatable walk-through colon was stolen from the University of Kansas Cancer Center. Meanwhile, an oversized rectum is being flown to Texas to appear at a campaign rally for Senator Ted Cruz.

A new study claims that adults can reduce their risk of cancer by eating organic. A poll of Americans asking if they’d rather do their weekly shopping at Whole Foods or get cancer was a toss-up.

 

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Tom Brady’s son turns 16 today. He was given a big hug by his grandmother, who was promptly flagged for unnecessary roughness.

President Trump said he’ll ask each of his cabinet secretaries to cut their budgets by five percent to reduce federal spending. Education secretary Betsy Devos was the first to finish her homework, dropping her $10 billion budget by $50.

The Houston Astros were denied a two-run home run on a call of fan interference in their game against the Boston Red Sox, despite video showing that the fan did not reach over the fence to try to catch the home run ball. Boston fans said the Houston fan made a mistake trying to catch the ball instead of dumping a beer on the outfielder’s head.

In a new book, physicist Stephen Hawking writes that there is no God. And since it was published after his death, you just know that he’s right.

A report from the United Nations Population Fund states that 40% of births in the U.S. are to unmarried couples, most of whom are living together — at least for a little while.

Two ISIS terrorists got hair transplants in Turkey in an attempt to disguise themselves before heading to Germany for an attack. The plan was foiled when the terrorists became upset with the stylist’s color results and threatened to blow up the beauty salon.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo returned from Saudi Arabia, where he met officials to ask about the disappearance of writer Jamal Khashoggi. Pompeo said he advised “giving the Saudis a few days” to investigate. The Saudis then ramped up their investigation with bleach, new flooring & wallpaper.

Facebook has a dedicated political ‘war room’ at its headquarters, where policy, security & legal teams identify and take action to remove misinformation ahead of 2018 elections. It’s intense work, so the teams take occasional breaks to relax and make money selling users’ personal information.

Baltimore’s police union expressed its displeasure at a Saturday Night Live skit depicting female Baltimore police officers sexually harassing a man at a traffic stop. Baltimore police said it was inappropriate, and wished it was a more accurate skit depicting officers battering a suspect instead.

Friends say that Khloe Kardashian hasn’t decided whether to break up with partner Tristan Thompson, saying she needs time to decide how it will impact her family and tv ratings.

 

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President Trump warned of a rush to judgment regarding the disappearance of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who vanished after entering the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul. Critics say Trump is giving room for the Saudis to deny involvement, and a chance to give Trump tips on how to make reporters disappear.

Trump also posted a gloating tweet after Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against him was dismissed, calling her “horseface”. A self-satisfied Trump then spent an hour applying bronzer and a second hour fixing his combover.

No winners were declared in the record Mega Millions lottery, swelling the current jackpot to $868 million — and keeping revenge fantasies alive for at least two more days.

Roseanne Barr’s character on series reboot The Conners was killed off by a opioid overdose.  The fictitious death was confirmed by an autopsy, because apparently lower-middle-class nobodies get full-blown autopsies in the impoverished Midwest town where The Conners live.

Research published in medical journal PLOS Medicine suggests that people who consume large quantities of dairy fat like cheese lessen their risk of developing Type 2 diabetes — mainly because heart disease kills them before they have a chance.

North Carolina resident Jimmy Shue said that he gave his first name to a Wendy’s employee to confirm his order, but when he picked it up, the name ‘Chubby’ was written on it. Shue says he was targeted because of his weight, but a Wendy’s spokesperson said that’s the default name they put on everyone’s receipts.

Canada ended an almost-hundred-year ban on marijuana as the country legalized and regulated its sale for recreational use.  So far, the top-selling flavor is plain, followed by maple.

In Illinois, Dr. Constantino Perales was sentenced to 12 years in prison after being found guilty of giving oxycodone and Xanax prescriptions in exchange for sex. Dr Perales is expected to work in the prison infirmary, exchanging drugs for much less appealing sex.

A neuroscience professor at Emory University using MRI scans said he has proven that dogs are capable of understanding the words that humans say to them. He theorizes that cats understand human words too, they just don’t care.

Melania Trump visits Philly today for an appearance at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital to promote a new offshoot of her Be Best campaign, called Not For Nothin Youse Should, Like, Be Best — Y’Know?

 

 

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A federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation suit against President Trump, saying that Trump calling Daniels’ claims of threats & harassment “a total con job” was just ‘rhetorical hyperbole’. The judge added that he can’t really remember Trump using language that wasn’t ‘rhetorical hyperbole’.

Former American Idol Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba was arrested & charged with dealing heroin.  Her next performance will be a blues number.

Los Angeles Dodgers announcing legend Vin Scully declined an invite from Fox Sports’ Joe Buck to join him in the broadcast booth during the Dodgers/Brewers playoff game. Scully said that he wouldn’t want to get in the broadcasters’ spotlight in any way, especially if it meant listening to Joe Buck.

A Tennessee father attacked his son with a chainsaw, then lost his leg when the son ran over him with a riding lawn mower in self-defense. The father was charged with second-degree attempted murder, and neighbors were left wondering who was going to clean up the huge mess in the yard.

Lady Gaga confirmed her engagement to talent agent Christian Carino, or, as he’ll soon be known, Lord Gaga.

A New England Patriots fan who dumped beer on Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been identified and had his case turned over to local law enforcement. He has also been banned from all Gillette Stadium events – but was spotted at a local Halloween store buying a disguise for a Kenny Chesney concert.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren made public results of a DNA test that she says proves her claim of Native American heritage. The DNA was swabbed from a deck of cards at an Indian casino where she worked as a blackjack dealer.

Will Smith appeared on wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook show, ‘Red Table Talk’ to discuss a low point in their marriage. Will Smith said that his wife ” woke up and cried for 45 days straight.” Jada said that she was drinking too much, and had also just watched ‘After Earth’.

Singer Roger Daltrey said in a new memoir he discovered he had fathered three ‘secret’ daughters in the time between his first and second marriages. “Who are you? Who? Who?” he asked them.

An article by Gizmodo claims that the ‘Do Not Track’ privacy feature in web browsers doesn’t work because websites refuse to abide by it. This was noticed by a guy receiving a gift basket on his fifth anniversary buying Pornhub Premium.