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Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole and told everyone if they want to know what he did or didn’t see, they’ll have to tune in to Punxsutawney Eyewitness News at 6 & 11.

Tesla recalled 2.2 million vehicles because safety regulators say the font size of warning lights on the driver display is too small. Tesla argued the warning lights take up too much room on the screen where drivers like to watch movies.

Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani appeared to counter divorce rumors after being spotted together at a store in rural Texas. Although new rumors have started since Gwen Stefani isn’t exactly thrilled about spending time in rural Texas.

Darius Rucker was arrested in Tennessee for what’s being described as a ‘minor drug offense’, or ‘Hootie and no Blow’.

E. Jean Carroll’s lawyer, Roberta Kaplan, said Donald Trump threw papers during his deposition at Mar-A-Lago because his legal team bought her lunch. Trump then demanded the toy from her Happy Meal.

Customers buying the new $3,499 Apple Vision Pro enhanced-reality headset were offered in-store demos at the New York flagship Apple store. Several immediately downloaded a movie and were arrested for dropping their pants in the Apple Store.

A Philadelphia couple is demanding answers after their six-month old baby was left behind inside a locked daycare facility after the owners closed it for the night. The parents hope to get the answers when they drop the baby off at the same place today.

Scammers posing as a Drexel University professor tricked a candidate for a paid internship out of thousands of dollars. Meanwhile, actual administrators at University of Phoenix scam students out of thousands of dollars before they graduate and get jobs at Burger King.

A Baltimore mom and entrepreneur claims to be a successful marketing exec who’s also found $2 million worth of merchandise ‘dumpster diving’. Although much of the money is spent on treatment of wounds she’s incurred fighting off raccoons.

Fitness experts recommend doing weight training, then cardio, to maximize workout effectiveness if you’re doing both. For gym creeps, they recommend cardio first because it’s easier to stare at more people while using a bike or treadmill.

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A tractor trailer carrying Bud Light overturned on a Kentucky highway, with thousands of cans of beer tossed on to the shoulder. Wildlife officials upgraded warnings about rabid raccoons to rabid and intoxicated.

90s rock festival Flannel Nation was cancelled after several bands who’d scheduled appearances – including Everclear, Candlebox, & Filter – withdrew. “Where is everybody?” asked Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath, who showed up.

Arnaud Jerald, a French free diver, broke the world record for an equipment-free deep dive by descending 393 feet, holding his breath for 3 minutes & 34 seconds. Jerald attributed his success to waiting a half-hour after his lunch before entering the water.

Pew Research Group claims in a new study that only 32% of teens aged 13-17 use Facebook. Moms of the other 68% remain angry their kids never Like their hilarious cat memes.

A Trump supporter was gunned down by police in an Ohio cornfield during a standoff after attempting to enter the Cincinnati FBI office with an assault rifle. Americans agree this was more exciting cornfield action than the Field Of Dreams game.

Scientists studied the intestinal contractions of the bare-nosed wombat and now understand why their poop is shaped like a cube – so they can build really terrible places to live.

A rollercoaster crash at Legoland in Germany injured at least 34 people. First responders said the hardest part was separating the injured riders from the pegs in their buttocks holding them in place.

A hologram of the late Harry Caray sang ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ at the Field Of Dreams game. Overlooked was the revelation that someone finally figured out how to get a hologram drunk.

Reports state the FBI searched Mar-a-Lago looking for classified documents related to nuclear secrets. Trump denied having nuclear documents, saying if he did, he’d have radiation poisoning by now!

Johnson & Johnson will stop selling talcum-based baby powder in 2023. Crayola announced the introduction of sidewalk chalk baby powder in 2024.

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Shares of Peloton stock tumbled as the company revealed it’s halting production of exercise bikes & treadmills for several months. However, online classes remain full, as discarded equipment in landfills is a hit with overweight bears & raccoons.

A new report from the World Health Federation claims no amount of alcohol is good for the heart – a study disputed by writers of country songs.

Mars, Incorporated said its animated M&Ms characters will become “more inclusive”. Peanut now identifies as Plain.

A Rhode Island man who faked his own death to flee a rape charge was apprehended in the U.K. He’ll be returned to the U.S. alive, but in a coffin.

The power of Tonga’s volcanic eruption and tsunami may dwarf that of nuclear weapons, according to experts. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he’s successfully designed and tested a volcano.

Instagram is testing paid subscriptions for content, with prices ranging from 99 cents/month to watch Kim Kardashian have sex, to $100/month to keep from seeing anything any Kardashian or Jenner does.

Rocker Meat Loaf passed away. No autopsy is planned, but a funeral home worker discovered he was marked ‘Best by 1/19/22’.

The North Penn School District outside of Philadelphia is investigating a video of a teacher taping a mask to an unruly student’s face. If he’s fired, United and American Airlines each plan to offer him a job as a flight attendant.

New York City’s new mayor received his first paycheck in Bitcoin and Ethereum cryptocurencies. “Hope it works out better for him” said dozens of the city’s panhandlers who’ve been fooled by this payment method.

‘Tiger King’ zoo owner Jeff Lowe is moving his big cat zoo to Mexico after it was banned in the U.S., although he may bring the tigers back to the states occasionally with balloons full of heroin in their rectums.

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Egypt paraded 22 mummies through the streets of Cairo as they moved between museums. The parade took 12 hours since the mummies were really dragging their feet.

A double-mutant COVID-19 strain emerged in California. It’s believed to have originated when Wolverine made out with Storm on the set of Maskless X-Men.

Republicans are railing against the idea of COVID-19 ‘vaccine passports’ – mainly because they’re older and not crazy about their passport photos.

Dubai police made multiple arrests after nude women were photographed on the balcony of an apartment building, in violation of public decency laws. They face fines and prison terms, while the property manager faces a tenfold increase in guys wanting to rent apartments there.

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man was arrested for stalking a female coworker by leaving candy & food on her doorstep, then shooting her husband when they emerged from their home. He remains in jail, while the raccoons that ate the candy and food try to bail him out.

A magnitude 4.0 earthquake struck the Los Angeles area at around 4a.m. Monday, hoping to get the jump on traffic.

Cher apologized for a Tweet speculating if she were present at the murder of George Floyd, she could have helped. It started “if i could turn back tiiiiime..”

New Mexico has already administered COVID-19 vaccines to over 50% of residents. Local health officials credit both the efficiency of their plan, and New Mexico not offering much other interesting shit to do.

Katy Perry said she’s quit shaving her legs since becoming a Mom, describing herself as “fine, fresh, fierce ..and furry”.

Lizzo shared multiple photos on Instagram wearing a form-fitting purple dress with a lower-back cutout that exposed her butt crack. She had it made so she had somewhere to put her microphone while she’s clapping on stage.

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Thanks to a new Federal rule going into effect January 1st, hospitals will be required to list the cost of their standard medical procedures online. Although many hospitals are skirting the rule, posting “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”

The Philadelphia Convention & Visitors Bureau gave $35,000 so the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall – closed due to the government shutdown – could remain open, thus ensuring that hundreds of children will be properly bored.

With 2018 homicides up 11% in the City of Philadelphia, the police department has reassigned the Captain that runs the homicide unit. A department spokesperson told the media that he fell well below the targeted 20% goal.

The remnants of a wrecked 19th century wooden ship washed ashore over the weekend in Stone Harbor, New jersey. Historians believe it may be the wreck of the D.H. Ingraham, a schooner that caught fire off the New Jersey coast, remembered by many as the first floating meth lab.

Instagram users freaked out when the company tested horizontal scrolling of photos/stories versus the traditional vertical-scrolling user interface. Paramedics were called to the home of Kim Kardashian, who spent several hours spinning her iPhone trying to fix it.

Michelle Obama was named Most Admired Woman in an annual Gallup poll, ousting Hillary Clinton, who had held the title for 17 years.  Oprah finished second, and Stormy Daniels did not make the Top 5, despite her videos being admired thousands of times a day.

Stefany Miley, 48, a district judge in Clark County, Nevada was arrested on suspicion of battery for an incident involving her 18-year-old son. She allegedly threw the book at him. And also a laptop & a vase.

The U.S. Office of Personnel Management offered furloughed federal employees a survival guide during the shutdown. One suggestion was to exchange painting or carpentry work for reductions in their rent. Furloughed workers said thanks, but the reason they chose government employment was to avoid any actual work.

Patti Stanger, star of Bravo’s ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’, is going on a live tour to help singles and couples. Although every guy who buys a ticket through Groupon won’t be matched up with any gold diggers in the audience.

Actor Forest Whitaker filed for divorce from his wife of 22 years, citing irreconcilable differences. He’s reportedly keeping his good eye out for a new romance.

Science journal Proceedings of the Royal Society reviewed sexual activity of mammals with a baculum, or penis bone, meant to keep males erect and inside of females. Raccoons have, on average, a full hour of sexual intercourse – during which time they exchange tips on where to find the best garbage.