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Drew Barrymore said she lost 20 pounds for her role as a flesh-eating zombie in the Netflix series Santa Clarita Diet, because someone who only eats protein should look more lean. She’s now working on looking “embarrassed to be taking money” for an upcoming role in a Netflix Adam Sandler movie.

A Trump Organization helicopter carrying Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner from Washington D.C. to New York returned to the airport mid-flight due to an engine failure. They scrambled to get a commercial flight, which they almost missed since Jared’s security risk is so bad he can’t qualify for TSA Pre.

New York magazine said that departed White House Communications Director Hope Hicks tried to leave her job twice before finally resigning last month. Her earlier attempts to leave were thwarted by Sarah Huckabee Sanders blocking the door.

Former Glee cast member Naya Rivera sang songs on Instagram to audition for the role of Maria in a revival of West Side Story. Producers, however, liked what they saw of Rivera’s battery arrest for beating up her husband last year, and cast her in a rumble between the Sharks and the Jets.

Massachusetts State Rep Michelle Dubois is asking to rename the ‘General Hooker Entrance’ at the statehouse – named for Civil War Union General Joseph Hooker -because it’s demeaning to women. Some male politicians support the move, as long as the General Hooker Entrance is replaced with an entrance for Specific Hookers. [h/t to J. Ost.]

A driver in California crashed his car through the front of a Taco Bell in Danville. The driver was fourth in line for medical treatment behind the three people who had just finished their Nacho Fries.

Walmart is partnering with gig-worker startup Handy to offer in-home setup of Walmart furniture – not to be confused with the Handy part-time Walmart employees are offering next to the merchandise pickup bay to help make ends meet.

IBM has created a computer smaller than a grain of salt – that it won’t dare sell to anyone over age 50.

Toys R Us stores – all of which will be closed or sold as the company liquidates – have started clearance sales, leading to some amazing deals, and the most epic fistfights between toddlers that you’re ever going to see.

President Trump tweeted to celebrate the firing of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, just two days before he was to collect his pension for decades of government service. Trump then donned a top hat and black cape to await the foreclosure of a dairy farm where the 30-year-old wife can’t make the payments because her husband is away fighting the war.

 

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A USA Today story highlights that many of the drones people bought for Christmas have gone missing during flight. Users are upset at the money they spent, and the lost video footage of neighborhood women changing clothes.

Boeing revealed a prototype drone capable of hauling 500 pounds. The drone’s most recent test flight at max payload successfully delivered the President and his golf clubs to Florida.

CVS has banned photo manipulation for pictures appearing on beauty brands in its stores. Activists consider this a huge victory in the fight against unrealistic body images, and a huge defeat for models with zits.

Mitt Romney said that President Trump’s comments that certain foreign nations were “shitholes” is ‘antithetical to American values’. Trump clapped back saying that he was not anti-thetical, before asking an aide if “theticals” meant black people.

A Pegasus Airlines jet carrying 168 passengers slid off the runway at Turkey’s Trabzon airport and dangled nose down off of an adjacent cliff. No passengers were injured, but the captain announced that they were last in line for takeoff.

Actor and comedian Aziz Ansari issued an apology for trying to get laid.

ESPN announced a new morning show to compete with major networks. The 3-hour program, ‘Get Up’, will be hosted by Michelle Beadle, Mike Greenberg, and Jalen Rose. ESPN promises viewers interactive segments, like guessing which host will be the first one fired for sexual misconduct.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders accused Amazon’s Alexa voice assistant of shipping her an order for an $80 Batman toy because her 2-year-old repeatedly shouted “Batman”.  President Trump repeatedly denied saying “shithole” in an Oval Office DACA meeting, but his order history showed Alexa shipped a child’s training toilet to the White House.

The Emergency Management worker who mistakenly activated an incoming ballistic missile warning for Hawaii has been reassigned. He now greets tourists at the airport, puts a lei on their neck and tells them “it’s been nice knowing you.”

Amazon announced that it’s upgrading Alexa to offer not just facts and recommendations, but ‘her’ own opinion on TV shows, beer and more – followed by extended periods of silence toward guys when they ignore it.

 

 

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CNN declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party this Friday, citing the President’s continued attacks on freedom of the press. The party is seen as a time for reporters to mingle with administration officials, and to hear carolers sing some of the President’s seasonal favorites like “White Christmas” and “Blood and Soil”.

Melania Trump also declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party, saying she has a thing she booked over a year ago.

A New Hampshire doctor who refuses to use a computer lost her medical license, but continues to practice because she never got the email.

Victoria became the first Australian state to legalize euthanasia. Soon, terminally ill patients will be able to box a kangaroo to their death.

Bitcoin topped $11,000 for the first time, leading confused, cash-strapped seniors to turn the pockets of their church pants inside-out looking for one.

Matt Lauer was fired by NBC News after a report of sexual misconduct at the Sochi Winter Olympics. The news was reported by NBC’s Brian Williams, who filed a story that he witnessed the alleged misconduct, rescued the woman and then won a gold medal in men’s alpine ski jumping.

The United Kingdom will allow over-the-counter Viagra sales starting in the spring. The move is expected to create hundreds of new jobs as middle-aged men pay teenagers to go buy Viagra for them.

Marvel Studios released a new trailer for Avengers: Infinity War — depicting Iron Man, Hulk, Black Panther, Captain America, Black Widow and about 20 other Marvel heroes checking their watches 90 minutes into Justice League.

ESPN is laying off 150 more employees, none of whom are Rex Ryan or Randy Moss. Come on, man!

92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury stirred controversy when she said that women must sometimes “take the blame” for men’s sexual harassment. Many reacted in disbelief that Lansbury was actually pretty hot-looking 70 years ago.

 

 

 

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.

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President Trump banned transgender Americans from serving in the military. E! Network announced it’s scrapping plans for a new reality series, ‘Colonel Caitlyn’.

No word yet on how Defense Secretary James Mattis will handle the thousands of transgender enlisted personnel, though some say he’s in favor of giving them all an Honorable Red Carpet Discharge.

Senator John McCain slammed Trump’s use of Twitter to make major policy announcements, saying that’s what National Boy Scout Jamboree speeches are for.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told a radio show that he will stop his office from leaking to the press, and that his staff needs to stop acting like “Mean Girls”. Meanwhile, Donald ‘Regina George’ Trump took to Twitter to burn Jeff Sessions to “stop trying to make Russia happen”.

  • Scaramucci already fired one staffer, and rumors are flying that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders may soon be gone from The Plastics.

President Trump and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are set to announce that Apple partner Foxconn will open Apple assembly plants in Wisconsin. The plants are expected to lift the state economy — Foxconn has already scheduled Job Fairs for local 12 and 13-year olds.

Adobe said that it’s killing the Adobe Flash plug-in by 2020, giving your grandparents ample time to find another reason why their darn computer isn’t working.

Britain announced that it will phase out all gasoline and diesel cars in 2040. The world awaits the clever term they’ll use for ‘electric’ the way they use ‘petrol’ for gas.

The Pentagon is under fire for blowing $28 million on ‘woodland’ camouflage for Afghani soldiers, when just 2% of the terrain is woodlands, and many other free camo patterns were available. The Defense Department acknowledged the error, saying soldiers should have received camouflage that looked like blown-up buildings.

Lyft is trialing ‘Taco Mode’ in California – in which a driver will show up and whisk a rider to the nearest Taco Bell. The rider can then choose a ride back home or to the nearest hospital.

  • Pending a successful trial, Lyft has already readied “Fry Mode” for McDonald’s, “Frosty Mode” for Wendy’s, and “Suicide Mode” for Arby’s.

Atlanta Falcon Julio Jones hired a dive team to find a $150,000 earring he lost while riding a Jet Ski in Georgia’s Lake Lanier. The divers failed to find the earring, citing the darkness at the lake’s bottom and all of the corpses in their way.

A California man was arrested for smuggling exotic animals when U.S. Customs intercepted a shipment to his house from Hong Kong, containing King Cobras packed in cans of potato chips. Additionally several U.S. Customs agents were treated for snake bites and suspended for stealing potato chips.

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Donald Trump tweeted attacks at the hosts of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe”, saying host Mika Brzezinski was “bleeding from a facelift” during a January visit to Mar-A-Lago. First Lady Melania Trump defended her husband’s tweets, and asked Brzezinski if she used the doctor she’d recommended.

White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders also defended the tweets, telling Fox News that Trump “fights fire with fire”..and that he’d have tweeted the fire emoji if he knew how to find it.

The Chicago Cubs visited President Trump at the White House. The last time the Cubs won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was President. Hearing this, Trump used the opportunity to brag that he carries a bigger stick.

Senator Ted Cruz posed with the Cubs World Series Championship trophy, finally giving Cubs fans a reason to regret winning it.

The state of California may require a warning on weed killer Roundup after research showed that active ingredient glyphosate is carcinogenic. The study followed dandelions that contracted cancer from Roundup.

  • Monsanto, the makers of Roundup, called the research “fatally flawed”. Monsanto is now hiring a new copywriter for their press releases.

McDonalds restaurants in India’s capital of New Delhi are all closing down temporarily as a result of expiring operating licenses — not because of Vindaloo McNuggets casualties.

Instagram introduced a new tool that blocks offensive comments, and also blocks spam in comments. As a result, Kardashian Instagram snaps have 90% fewer comments, and people may never know how to make money working from home.

#HeterosexualPrideDay is trending on Twitter, presumably because of people who like really boring parades.

City of Philadelphia District Attorney Seth Williams pled guilty to multiple bribery related offenses, thereby ending government corruption in Philadelphia for a few seconds.

An Indian doctor has created “Laughter Yoga”. It’s just regular yoga, where you don’t have to pretend you’re not laughing at the injuries, falling and farting.

The Atlanta Hawks debuted planned renovations to their home arena, including a bar behind the basket at floor level. The Hawks wanted to add convenience for groupies and people who don’t want to watch the game.

Jaguar has introduced the quickest passenger vehicle it has ever produced. At 592 horsepower, it goes from zero to the repair shop in under four seconds.