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BTS singer Jung Kook performed his single ‘Standing Next To You’ on The Tonight Show. For those unfamiliar with Korean boy band BTS, Jung Kook translates to ‘Harry Styles’ in English. .

Journalists in attendance for Donald Trump’s testimony at his New York financial fraud trial stated that Trump “lost it” on the witness stand – criticizing the judge, the attorney general, and whoever brought in Wendy’s instead of McDonald’s for lunch.

Actress Megan Fox released a book of poems entitled ‘Pretty Boys Are Poisonous‘. Titles of the poems include ‘“rape,” “funerals are for lovers,” “why i wish i was gay,” and “to marry an arsonist”. In other news Megan Fox’s read-along at the Children’s Library of Los Angeles has been postponed.

Lindsay Lohan, Lacey Chabert & Amanda Seyfried reprised their ‘Mean Girls‘ roles in a new ad campaign for Walmart’s Black Friday sales. Suburban moms get their own chance to be Mean Girls as they trample other women when stores open at 5 a.m. on November 24th.

Deanes EIPIC, a Michelin-starred restaurant in Belfast, Northern Ireland, closed due to rising operating costs, higher menu prices, and customers refusal to order anything but corned beef & cabbage.

Packs of javelinas – pig-like creatures with sharp teeth – are destroying Arizona’s Seven Canyons golf course as they tear up fairways looking for food. It’s illegal to kill javelinas in Arizona, so groundskeepers can only hope they leave, or choke to death on Titleists.

Baskin-Robbins introduced ‘Turkey Day Fixins’ ice cream as its Flavor of the Month. It has no turkey flavoring, but features notes of honey cornbread, cranberrry & sweet potato. After poor consumer testing, Dairy Queen cancelled its Green Bean Casserole Blizzard.

The Crazy Horse 3 strip club in Las Vegas is offering one free lap dance to current & former military personnel on Veterans Day. Extra dancers are being brought in to grind on Privates, Sergeants, etc.

A viral video shows a commercial jet flying over Israel while, in nearby airspace, Israeli’s Iron Dome defense missiles exploded Hamas rockets. Passengers aboard Spirit Airlines new service to Tel Aviv were each charged $10 for the light show.

Pauly Shore proposed to Drew Barrymore on Friday’s episode of The Drew Barrymore Show. The proposal question was unanswered – but at least we know if Barrymore could still attract A-List stars to the show after her Writers Strike controversy.

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Today is September 12th – the day after the National Day of Remembrance – the day where it’s officially OK To Forget for another 364 days.

Demi Lovato was revealed as Anonymouse on the season premiere of The Masked Singer. Judges quickly guessed her identity after she sang, and after she told judges she identified as a non-binary rodent.

Escaped fugitive Danelo Cavalcante reportedly was uninjured after a homeowner shot at him during a break-in and burglary where he stole a .22-caliber shotgun. The homeowner is hoping he returns so Cavalcante can show him how to improve his accuracy.

McDonald’s is phasing out self-serve soda stations, citing fewer dine-in customers and food safety concerns after several customers suffered Dr. Pepper overdoses.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un arrived in Russia via his armored train – The Little Engine That Could Sell Ballistic Weapons to Vladimir Putin.

Jamie Lynn Spears joined this season’s celebrity competitors on Dancing With The Stars. Meanwhile, older sister Britney will continue posting Instagram videos on Dancing With Handfuls Of Prescription Drugs.

Reports of host Jimmy Fallon’s toxic behavior on The Tonight Show have spurred a ‘Bring Back Conan’ (O’Brien)’ movement from social media users citing his kind behavior. When O’Brien inevitably refuses, the movement is expected to shift to ‘Bring Back Anyone But Jay Leno’.

A dog is recovering at a veterinary facility after being rescued from an on-ramp construction area of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia. The dog was injured after flipping off several motorists who wouldn’t let her merge.

Susanna Gibson, Democrat candidate running for Virginia’s House of Delegates, reportedly streamed sex with her husband on porn site Chaturbate. She’s trailing her Republican rival in a recent poll, but is in front of her husband’s pole in the videos.

A male New Jersey high school teacher who resigned after posting nude photos of a female student on a ‘revenge porn’ website accepted a new teaching job in a different district. In New Jersey’s public school system, you take whoever you can get.

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Justene Gugumuck, a payroll manager for a Pennsylvania pest control company, was arrested and charged with embezzling over $120,000. The company said they’re embarrassed because it took them several years to catch the rat.

Hurricane Lee was upgraded to a Category 4 storm. It’s still a week away from any possible landfall on the East Coast from its current position, and any East Coast landing may be cancelled altogether if it decides to head north via Southwest Airlines.

Paqui One Chip Challenge chips were recalled after a 14-year-old Massachusetts high school student died after eating one. Although investigators continue to question lunch ladies about the Hungarian goulash that sickened 50 other kids that day.

Jimmy Fallon apologized to The Tonight Show staff regarding the toxic work environment documented in a Rolling Stone article. Rolling Stone‘s next article focuses on the Joe Rogan Podcast, and how that show turns listeners into toxic dicks.

Convicted rapist Danny Masterson of That 70s Show appeared in court Thursday and received That 30-Year Sentence.

Half the employees of dating app Grindr reportedly quit rather than return to working in the corporate office. The ones who did show up at the office after quitting were there for midday restroom hookups with former Grindr coworkers.

Chrystal Frost, 35, married mother of three and math teacher at an Alabama Christian school, confessed to having sex with two teen boys who were her students. The boys called her office desk the multiplication table.

The Today Show host Savannah Guthrie left the set mid-morning on Thursday so she could take her kids to class on their first day of school. They ended up late because the director didn’t go with her to show her where to walk.

Four “remarkably preserved” 1,900-year-old Roman swords were discovered in a remote cave near the Dead Sea – as were cave writings from the owner’s girlfriend who was kinda creeped out by all the swords.

The girlfriend of NFL player Brandon Aiyuk said players can be fined for having a woman in their hotel room the night before road games. She’s considering a switch to dating NBA players, who only get fines after three women are discovered in the room.

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Starting in 2024, the the SAT Exam will move entirely online, allowing students to use calculators, bring their own laptop, and use Zoom to cheat off other kids answers.

Fox News reporter Peter Doocy said Joe Biden called his cell phone to “clear the air” after calling Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch” during a press conference. Biden ended the call by asking Doocy to say hi to Fox & Friends Steve Doocy, “that dumb sh*t father of yours”.

Tiffany Haddish told Jimmy Fallon that she asked God for a new man, and he sent her four in uniform – referencing cops during her recent DUI arrest. She’s expected to appear in court with her lawyer and better jokes.

Kanye West said he won’t overshare details of his relationships “like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett”. Because if there’s one thing he’s known for, it’s privacy and subtlety.

Kim Kardashian visited a black-owned coffee shop in Los Angeles with Hillary Clinton and Chelsea Clinton for a new Apple+ tv show, ‘Three People Nobody Wants To Be President.’

Neil Young is demanding his music be removed from streaming service Spotify because of podcaster Joe Rogan’s vaccine misinformation. Spotify paid Joe Rogan $100 million for his podcast, then cut a farewell check to Young for 38 cents for the 2021 streams of ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’.

Consumer products company Unilever, owner of Dove and Ben & Jerry’s, cut 1,500 jobs, saying the cows still on the payroll will just have to work harder.

Google intends to replace ‘cookies’ with ‘Topics’, behaviorally-targeted advertising based on assigning sites you visit into 300 topical categories. The categories are ‘Porn’, ‘Sites Used To Hide Porn’, and 298 others.

Actor Peter Dinklage called Disney’s forthcoming live-action Snow White movie “backward”, for continuing to depict Seven Dwarfs living in a cave. Disney offered a compromise, offering Dinklage a role as the new eighth dwarf, ‘Woke’.

Janet Jackson says in a new tv biography that name-calling from brother Michael was playful, but still hurt. She claims Michael called her “pig, cow, horse” and other insults, when he would look for her penis and not find anything.

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Due to a driver shortage, Massachusetts activated the National Guard to drive school buses. They’ll be paid the standard rate, plus whatever lunch money they can take from wimps.

Boston will elect its first non-white Mayor in the city’s history, as all candidates are persons of color. The frontrunner is Councilor Michelle Wu. “Wu-hu!” said her supporters after the primary. “Wu-Who?” asked non-voters.

Environmentalists are outraged that an annual dolphin hunt in the remote Faroe Islands killed far too many for the residents who rely on dolphin meat to eat, and that surplus will go wasted. That is, until Arby’s introduced their new Flipper Reuben.

Pfizer said they’ll seek approval for a COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5-12 in November, leading to a national lollipop shortage.

School districts in the U.S. claim that new viral TikTok ‘Bathroom Challenges’ encourage students to damage fixtures, with the one causing the most damage declared winner. They say the worst damage to fixtures occurs on Taco Tuesday.

Instagram is looking at ways to deemphasize its emphasis on women’s bodies, after a study found the site is “toxic” for many teen girls. So, bad news for the Kardashians, and great news for cats.

Kendall Jenner told Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon how she found out sister Kylie is pregnant, and that she wasn’t “shocked”. She wasn’t shocked, and found out, because she walked in on rapper Travis Scott & Kylie having sex.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX will launch the first all-civilian crew into orbit on Wednesday night. They’ll orbit Earth for approximately four days, or until one of them figures out how to get back sooner.

NASA awarded contracts to five companies to provide lunar landers for upcoming missions, including Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, and – in the biggest surprise – Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

Alaska’s largest hospital said they’re implement new crisis care protocols due to overwhelming COVID cases, saying all the ventilators running at once are melting the ICU’s.

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Nintendo launched Nintendo Switch Online – its first-ever subscription service for console gameplay. Parents say the service is affordably priced at $19.99/year, but are concerned some of their kids have injured their heads repeatedly hitting them on boxes to come up with the money.

Nintendo added that the most popular racer in Mario Kart 8 is President Trump’s penis.

New Jersey authorities and citizens are on the lookout for an alligator spotted roaming in Southern New Jersey. State wildlife officials describe the reptile as “a large alligator with multiple gold chains.”

Maroon 5 is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime act. Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, site of the Super Bowl, is testing to see if the restrooms can handle the 30,000 additional people leaving their seats to not watch it.

Delta Airlines raised its checked baggage fees from $25 to the first checked bag to $30. Additional bags cost $40, up from $35. The good news is that animals dying on Delta flights no longer count as checked bags.

For Jimmy Fallon’s birthday on September 19th, he asked only that people perform a random act of kindness. So throughout America, people took the remote from their partner and shut off The Tonight Show.

Cargill Meat Solutions is recalling 132,600 pounds of ground beef products following an E. coli outbreak. The recall is the basis for the new “Look, it’s not us for once!” ad campaign at Chipotle.

The NFL is closing its 40,000 square foot ‘NFL Experience’ in New York’s Times Square.  The $37-per-ticket attraction was intended to replicate stepping out of the locker room and onto the field of an NFL stadium. Visitors were dissatisfied with having to pay for painkilling injections and CTE scans to take the field.

Coca-Cola is reportedly interested in investing in cannabis-infused soft drinks. Executives are excited over the profit potential in selling soda by the gram.

KISS announced their farewell ‘End of the Road World Tour’ on America’s Got Talent – and were voted off in favor of a 12-year-old girl ventriloquist.

America’s Got Talent’s newest champion is 26-year-old Shin Lim, a Canadian-born close-up magician; the runner-up is Zucaroh, an Austrian acrobatic group. The show concluded with a press conference from U.S.-citizen finalists calling for tighter immigration control.