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Boston Beer Company is teaming with Pepsi to make an alcoholic version of Mountain Dew – called Mountain Dew: Code Liver Failure.

Five New Jersey shore beaches were closed due to fecal bacteria levels. Local officials are asking parents to bathe diaper-clad infants and toddlers in the water to get levels back up to normal.

Colorado officials are saying not to trust Google Maps & Waze, after several travelers were stranded following those directions. They also say not to trust local bears offering to help when they see you’re lost.

New York Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hochul will become New York’s first woman Governor after Andrew Cuomo resigned. She led Cuomo’s “Enough Is Enough” campaign to battle sexual assault on college campuses, but did not support his “Enough May Not Be Enough” program in the state capital.

YouTube suspended Senator Rand Paul for sharing a video that falsely claims masks are ineffective in preventing the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately this also means no one can view his many skateboard trick videos.

Tropical Storm Fred could hit Florida, and may rise to hurricane strength. Governor Ron Desantis has threatened to shut down businesses that temporarily close to stay safe.

A new study finds four seconds of high-intensity exercise, repeated two or three dozen times, benefit metabolism and muscles in people of varying ages. Although the study points out the four seconds need to be repeated in the same day, not year.

Northrop Grumman launches a new cargo ship to the International Space Station today. You can watch the launch online, then watch the arrival to guess which astronaut anxiously grabs the new shipment of toilet paper.

Jeopardy! will reportedly have two official hosts for the first time ever, with Executive Producer Mike Richards hosting daily games, and Mayim Bialik hosting specials and spinoffs. Aaron Rodgers will host his own special pouting about not being included in the decision.

A 13-year-old boy on an American Airlines flight was duct-taped to his seat for abusing his mother, and attempting to kick in a window. Other passengers were jealous because they taped him to a bulkhead aisle seat.

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The United States revoked 1,000 visas for Chinese students attending American universities. Coincidentally, 1,000 American students just moved up the curve from D to C- in their Calculus class.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels is selling his Los Angeles home. It’s over 6,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 6 1/2 bedrooms, and a study which didn’t get much use.

A new poll shows the majority of residents in the U.S. four largest cities – New York, Los Angeles, Chicago & Houston – face ‘major financial problems’. Broke, jobless rural Americans are comforted that they can get the ‘big city” experience at home.

Microsoft announced the new Xbox gaming consoles will debut on November 10th. Parents are advised to hide their cash and credit cards starting now.

The City of Los Angeles banned Halloween trick-or-treating, so Hollywood celebrities cancelled their kids’ limos.

Companies developing COVID-19 vaccines say there is a shortage of monkeys available for testing. Donald Trump ordered a ban on monkey imports so those good jobs can go to American workers.

In an attempt to stop open defecation, India has spent over a billion dollars building millions of public restrooms – almost all of which are out of toilet paper.

Maserati demoed its new supercar – the $200,000, 600 horsepower MC20 – at an event without a tree or telephone pole in sight.

The U.S. Air Force is testing robot dogs in warfare simulations. The dogs exit aircraft to scout an area and ensure it’s safe for human soldiers. So far the dogs have performed well, except when the Taliban distracted them with tennis balls.

Tennessee authorities say they’re searching for a tiger that escaped a sanctuary in Knoxville. Residents are told to be on the lookout for a 200-pound cat, wearing a cowboy hat and carrying a guitar.

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Tom Brady is reportedly renting Derek Jeter’s mansion while he lives and plays in Tampa Bay. Though they’re both married, Jeter told Brady to help himself to the surplus gift bags he used to give departing one-night hookups.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says the U.S. is “not even at halftime” in the fight against coronavirus. Worse, he announced the halftime show is Black Eyed Peas.

Scientists advise closing the toilet seat lid before flushing, to prevent ‘aerosolized feces’ from escaping the toilet bowl and spreading coronavirus. Coincidentally, Aerosolized Feces is also the poorest-selling variety of Airwick spray.

An analysis by The Motley Fool shows that a $1,000 investment in Walmart during the 2008-9 Great Recession would be worth three times that much today. Someone who started working at Walmart in 2008 would have accumulated about $1,000 today.

Some Americans will wait up to 20 weeks to receive their $1,200 stimulus check – four weeks for the first check to be sent, then another 16 weeks to get a replacement because the mailman cashed the first one.

Target announced they’ll begin limiting the number of shoppers in stores as a safety measure to ensure social distancing. Walmart also announced new safety measures, hiring hundreds of referees to work toilet paper fistfights.

Sony announced their post-apocalyptic Playstation adventure game The Last of Us II is delayed indefinitely because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but promised to use the extra time to add a new level, ‘Fort Lauderdale Spring Break’.

University of Pittsburgh researchers believe they may have isolated a working COVID-19 vaccine. The problem is, it’s an oral vaccine delivered in Iron City Light beer.

The WNBA postponed the start of its 2020 season due to COVID-19, a move unlikely to impact attendance.

Kim Kardashian will star in a prison reform documentary – it focuses on the effort of her buttocks to escape her shapewear.

 

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The IRS will move the tax filing deadline to July 15, giving cash-strapped Americans an extra 90 days to come up with phony dependents.

Tom Brady officially signed a two-year deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Florida Man whines about being unnecessarily hit by others.

The Federal Government released details of its coronavirus stimulus package, with married couples earning under $150,000 receiving $2,400 …worth of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Gamestop stores are remaining open because they say they’re “essential retail”, adding how essential it is for customers to get that 25 cents trading in Mario Kart 8.

A new study suggests digestive issues can be the first sign of COVID-19, but admitted it’s hard to isolate the viral effects of Chinese study subjects because many of them also ate at KFC.

A group of anti-Trump conservatives, Republicans For The Rule Of Law, released a new ad compiling the misleading statements from Donald Trump regarding coronavirus. The ad is unique in that it’s funded by Republicans, and that it’s 45 minutes long.

Scientists claim the novel coronavirus can live for up to three days on plastic or rubber surfaces – the exception being Crocs, which even the coronavirus wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Officials claim Princess Cruises had a much higher-than-average percentage of illness, even before the coronavirus outbreak. The statistics followed Princess ships Grand Princess, Diamond Princess, and Taco Bell Princess.

National Institute of Health Director Francis Collins said the U.S. best approach for halting the spread of coronavirus is one most Americans would find “too extreme”. Asked by a reporter what he meant, Collins shot the reporter.

Dental medicine chain Dental Express is under fire for performing unnecessary procedures to boost bills, with one woman claiming they performed 7 root canals on her 3-year-old. Dental Express defended the procedures, saying if they didn’t do something, his teeth would have all fallen out in a few years.

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Elon Musk attended the grand opening of Tesla’s first auto factory in China. “We can’t wait for eight more years to go by so we can drive the cars!” said assembly workers.

The presiding judge in Harvey Weinstein’s trial threatened to throw Weinstein in jail unless he stopped using his mobile phone in court. Weinstein finally relented and put it away after fifty quick swipes right.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta believes that you can live to 100 if you find your sense of purpose, or “ikigai”. Many women dispute this, saying they’re married to an icky guy and want to die right now. [Story & joke credit to J.O.]

Charmin debuted the ‘Rollbot’, a robot that delivers toilet paper to you when you run out. They invented it because Roomba refused to bring it in there.

Madame Tussaud’s wax museum is being criticized for a statue of Nicki Minaj that looks nothing like her. Tussaud’s admits they got the face wrong, but for the buttocks they just didn’t have enough wax.

Rob Kardashian asked for full custody of his daughter, Dream. He claims her mother, Blac Chyna, has taught the 3-year-old girl how to ‘naked twerk’ and say curse words. The judge denied the request, and congratulateed Dream on getting cast in five different hip-hop music videos.

Fox Networks will air The Masked Singer spinoff The Masked Dancer. Celebrities will attempt to guess the identity of The Masked Dancer, with guesses ranging from “JLo” to “the crackhead at the subway station”.

A new study in the UK finds people who tried ‘Sober January’ in 2018 continued to drink less eight months later, mainly because their friends stopped asking them out to the pub.

Over 72,000 Americans died from alcohol-related deaths in 2017, more than double the number from 20 years earlier. No specific causes were cited for the increase, but doctors noted the introduction of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita around 2012.

Rodrigo Alves, a reality TV star known as the “human Ken Doll”, has come out as transgender and declared their pronouns as “she” and “her”.  Alves, however, reserves the right to switch back, since she has no genitals, just molded plastic reading “Mattel”.