By |

A self-described transgender vampire was convicted in Wisconsin of sexual assault. Sentencing is scheduled next month for Countess Dracula.

Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social will start a streaming tv channel. They’ll air Trump rallies and felony trials in between JAG & NCIS reruns.

A former prosecutor told CNN he worries about the safety of jurors in Trump’s NYC hush money felony trial – especially since they’ll be sequestered at Trump’s Bedminister, New Jersey hotel & golf club.

Drug maker Eli Lilly claims their weight loss drug Zepbound also reduces sleep apnea – mostly because people lose enough belly fat that they can finally sleep face down if they want.

Hollywood producer Carol Baum said she “doesn’t get” it-girl actress Sydney Sweeney, saying she’s “not pretty” and “can’t act”. ….. “Yeah, we don’t care” said male Hollywood producers.

Phoenix, Arizona is holding a tree planting drive, as average temperatures approach 100 degrees. Organizers say they expect shade from the trees to pay off after everyone planting them has been dead for twenty years.

A snake slithering through a passenger car on one of Japan’s bullet trains caused a 17-minute stoppage in the trip from Tokyo to Osaka. The snake was captured and returned to the kitchen so chefs could continue making lunch for the dining car.

The Department of Justice is considering anti-trust action against Ticketmaster/Live Nation for excessive fees and controlling a massive share of the ticketing market. Ticketmaster has already listed seats at the trial for $500 each plus $75 in fees.

Crystal Kung Minkoff announced she’s leaving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she was the Bravo series first Asian American cast member. She’s considering joining the cast of Real Housewives of Oklahoma, where she’d be the first Asian to ever live there.

Salvatore ‘Sal the Shoemaker’ Rubino of Sal’s Shoe Repair on Long Island was charged with running an illegal gambling operation out of the shop. Investigators recorded Rubino hitting a customer with a baseball bat over failing to pay $20,000 for new soles on his loafers.

By |

A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

By |

Actor Russell Crowe claims he’s related to the last man to be executed by beheading in England. This would make Crowe the first person to actually have an interesting story based on their Ancestry.com results.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT reportedly will tell jokes mocking Jews and Christians, but not Muslims. ChatGPT claims it’s because you never see Muslims walking in to a bar with Jews and Christians.

GOP Presidential hopeful Chris Christie aired a new ad admitting to a mistake in 2016 – endorsing Donald Trump for President. He shot a second ad admitting to another mistake that year – paying the $50 entry fee for an Ironman Triathlon.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner married Theresa Nist, who he proposed to on the show. Then they danced at a reception where guests included many other Golden Bachelorettes, and where the centerpiece at each table was a defibrillator.

Verizon agreed to a $100 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit for overcharging customers with deceptive fees. “Can you pay me now?” said claimants.

The U.S. economy added 216,000 jobs in December. According to the Labor Department, January layoffs will not affect employment numbers since impacted elves work outside the country.

A Florida man sued Dunkin’, saying he was injured after a toilet he’d used at their coffee shop exploded. Dunkin’ has yet to respond, but has asked Taco Bell & Arby’s for their lawyers phone numbers.

A group calling itself the Disney Day Drinkers Club – who meet regularly at EPCOT to drink at the Rose & Crown Pub there – is angry at Disney for moving a trash bin outside of the pub that they’ve claimed as a mascot. They say they now have to walk through several different country pavilions to find a suitable place to vomit.

Tesla recalled 1.6 million vehicles in China to “reduce the risk of collisions”. Every other auto maker in China wishes them luck, but tells Tesla it might not be the car’s fault.

A viral video shows a Disneyland Tokyo worker dressed as Eeyore calming visitors during a recent earthquake….hile the worker dressed as Tigger bounced the f*** out of there as fast as he could.

By |

Rodney Alcala, a serial murderer known as The Dating Game Killer, died in prison before he could be executed. The Wheel Of Fortune killer RE_AI_S AT LAR_E.

A woman who matched with a January 6th rioter on dating app Bumble turned him in to federal authorities. She wanted to meet at a coffee shop, he wanted to break into her house with dozens of his friends.

Doctors, nurses and other medical workers are demanding that all health care professionals get COVID-19 vaccines, except for maybe hospice caregivers because, well, you know..

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania contractor was fined for employing minors at his roofing company. He was reported after a customer saw him carrying a worker up a ladder on his shoulders as he held a Fisher-Price toolbox.

Las Vegas Police solved a 1989 cold case murder using a record-low volume of DNA cells – determining the killer was the victim’s cousin, who died in 1996. Jury selection begins next week for the trial of the suspect’s skeleton.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards – who is allergic to beestings – was briefly hospitalized after walking into a beehive. Her costars all walked into the same hive a day later after noticing Kyle’s fuller lips.

Rapper Lizzo posted a viral TikTok video twerking while wearing popular new “booty lifting” $19 Seasum leggings from Amazon. The leggings are also popular with Amazon warehouse workers because they, too, do a lot of heavy lifting.

The NFL’s Houston Texans appear to have reversed course and may trade disgruntled QB Deshaun Watson, who’s been named in over 20 sexual assault allegations. He’s been sued so many times, the league may put up a testimony tent next to the concussion one.

NBC Universal is being torched for putting Team USA Men’s Basketball opening-round Olympic loss to France on its struggling streaming service, Peacock. A spokesman said they put it on Peacock because they didn’t want viewers to miss the air fryer infomercial on CNBC.

It’s so hot at the Tokyo Olympics, Russian tennis player Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova shoved bags of ice up her skirt during changeovers. “Uh oh” said her boyfriend.

By |

Updated CDC guidance permits a reduction in separation from 6 feet to 3 feet between students in classrooms – welcome news for bullies with a 36-inch reach.

A 108-year-old Philadelphia woman received the COVID-19 vaccine. Her only complaint was her weight went up 50%.

In a new book, Sharon Stone claims a film producer asked her to sleep with a costar to improve their onscreen chemistry. It was right before Stone left the cast of a Muppet movie.

A new study claims people who walk slowly are more likely to get sick later in life, provided impatient drivers don’t kill them first.

Overseas spectators will be banned from the Tokyo Summer Olympics due to COVID-19 risk, but athletes from around the globe are welcome to be sickened.

40 teachers in a suburban Philadelphia school district called out of work on Friday, citing bad reactions to COVID-19 vaccines, and totally not a day-drinking party to watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.

Miami Beach Police used SWAT teams to disperse spring breakers violating the city’s new 8pm curfew. SWAT officers reportedly had trouble figuring out whose partier’s hands were in the air to surrender, and which were there to wave like they don’t care.

Scientists studying women and newborns claim they’ve identified 50 new chemicals lurking in human bodies – several of them are plastics, the rest are tied to flavor variants of Mountain Dew.

A 27-year-old named Meghann quit tv survival challenge ‘Naked & Afraid’ after four days in a Mexican desert, saying she couldn’t sleep because of biting insects in her genitals. The insects weren’t thrilled with their sleeping arrangements, either.

A Chicago Cubs minor leaguer was arrested for transporting 20 pounds of meth and over a pound of oxycodone pills. He claimed the drugs were necessary to help coaches and teammates overcome the boredom of watching spring training baseball.

By |

U.S. Customs in Minnesota seized almost $1 million in counterfeit one-dollar bills in a shipment from China. Later that day, Minneapolis police arrested a Chinese guy who had been in a strip club for 10 straight hours. 

A Florida daycare worker was fired after sending a child home with “Mom, I’m out of diapers” written on his chest & stomach in marker. She then flipped the child over and saw “and would it kill you to send some snacks for the workers?” on his back. 

Mattel is releasing “its most diverse Barbie dolls yet”, that are bald, have skin conditions, prosthetic limbs and wheelchairs. They’re only sold in packages of two so they have someone to play with. 

The written ‘Question & Answer’ portion of the Trump Impeachment Trial commences Wednesday afternoon. So far the top questions are “Can we speed this up?’ and ‘What’s for lunch?’

Jakila Taylor, an 18-year-old Florida woman, was arrested at her high school and charged with luring a man to a robbery after meeting him on Plenty of Fish. Taylor was also stripped of her presidency of the Young Entrepreneurs club. 

Louis C.K. performed a surprise set at a benefit show in New York and was greeted with a standing ovation. He then asked the women in the audience if it was okay that he, too, get visibly excited. 

A Tokyo company has been ordered to pay Nintendo $450,000 for operating an unlicensed service where tourists drive Mario Kart-like karts in game character costumes on city streets. They also face multi-million dollar lawsuits from drivers injured after spinning out on turtle shells and banana peels. 

Billy Joel’s Long Island home was burglarized over the weekend. 12 of his classic motorcycles were damaged, and his liquor cabinet was emptied into a 40-foot cargo container. 

WWE wrestlers Nikki and Brie Bella are both pregnant, with due dates less than two weeks apart. Although they may choose to induce delivery on the same day via body slams. 

Unscrupulous sellers are already attempting to capitalize on the death of Kobe Bryant by selling counterfeit Kobe memorabilia. Experts say shoes and jerseys are the hardest fakes to spot; hockey sticks are the easiest.