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Burberry hired their fourth new CEO in 10 years to help turn around the struggling apparel & accessories retailer. “Maybe we give paisley a try!” he said, and was fired.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT was asked who would be the best replacement candidate for Joe Biden. No word yet on whether Taylor Swift would accept the nomination.

Trump-appointed federal judge Aileen Cannon threw out the classified documents felony case against him, saying it was unconsitutional. She then offered Trump use of her shredder.

A bandaged Donald Trump appeared at the Republican National Convention, as thousands of delegates and attendees cheered his name within earshot.

Lindsay Lohan & Jamie Lee Curtis are reprising their 2003 roles as filming commences on Freaky Friday 2. In it, the now-adult Lohan character switches bodies with her daughter, who spends the next 80 minutes looking for cocaine.

New Balance announced a partnership with the WNBA, in the hope of expanding the fan base among senior lesbians who lack anything in common with many players beyond that one thing.

Trader Joe’s ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning is banned in South Korea because it contains poppy seeds. When mature, poppies are used to make opiates. It’s also banned in North Korea at Trader Un’s.

A food safety scandal is rocking China, as a major state-owned food company is accused of transporting cooking oil in the same tankers as fuel, without cleanings in-between. Consumers are worried about fuel contaminating their food, but drivers are kind of happy that their car smells like a wok.

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Teoscar Hernandez won the 2024 MLB All-Star Home Run Derby. The contest was highlighted by the early elimination of well-known players, and the elimination of singer Ingrid Andress from consideration singing the national anthem ever again.

Princess Cruises broke a world record for the largest pizza party, serving 60,000 slices of pizza simultaneously across multiple ships. Then they set sail and subsequently broke the record for largest oceanic vomit patch.

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An Alaska Airlines jet carrying pets arrived at its Portland, Oregon airport gate with its cargo door already open. People living near the airport said it was raining cats & dogs.

Senator Katie Britt admitted the human trafficking anecdote she shared to criticize President Biden’s immigration policies happened before his presidency..and was actually the movie Taken.

The FDA finally outlawed brominated vegetable oil, an ingredient in citrus sodas banned in most other countries that contibutes to metabolic disease. Recall notices were being prepared for Mountain Dew Lemon-Lime Thyroid Blast.

A new study finds diets that mimic fasting five days a month lowers biologic age. Study participants say they haven’t felt this great since they were starving five years ago.

Pope Francis suggested Ukraine show “the courage of the white flag” and give in to Russia. He also suggested altar boys show “the courage of the White Claw’ and party with him at his place.

Oppenheimer won seven Oscars including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and most frequently mentioned film that people said they loved but couldn’t finish.

$2.99 Trader Joe’s canvas tote bags are reselling for hundreds of dollars online. They were originally made to help customers collect the pieces that fall off their car when it gets hit in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Dan Hilferty, CEO of the parent company of the NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers, said the team will pay a $50,000 fine incurred by head coach John Tortorella for arguing with referees. Hilferty heard from Donald Trump, who said he’s a huge Flyers fan and was wondering if Hilferty wanted to pay off any of his judgments.

Princess Kate Middleton apologized for Buckingham Palace releasing a modified photo of her & her family, attributing it to her “experimenting with editing”. The Kardashian/Jenner family then apologized 50,000 times for every photo they’ve ever shared.

A human resources expert tells CNBC that they spend “25 times” longer reviewing LinkedIn profiles versus resumes. And another “50 times” longer than that getting ready to fire people.

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Rappers Snoop Dogg and Master P sued Walmart for breaching a deal to sell their breakfast cereal. Walmart countered, saying kids don’t want to smoke cereal for breakfast.

Apple is reportedly working on a foldable iPhone, and will begin selling it once they figure out how to make the screen break when it’s folded closed and dropped.

A Florida mom said her kids were expelled from a Catholic School because she advertised her OnlyFans page with a decal on her car. The school said she’s promoting pornography, and stealing traffic from the OnlyFans pages of priests & altar boys raising money for the school.

Google is changing the name of its artificial intelligence assistant from Bard to Gemini, and launching a paid subscription Gemini app. College students now have to figure out how to pay Gemini with Adderall and beer when it writes their term papers.

A volcano in Iceland erupted for the second time this year, sending molten lava 260 feet in the air. Iceland’s Tourism Board called the eruption “not great for our name brand”.

Scientists in England set a record by creating a nuclear fusion reaction for 5 seconds. They see it as a huge step forward in the pursuit of limitless clean energy, but a disappointment since none of them turned into The Hulk.

A hiring expert claims only half of job candidates have questions ready for interviewers when asked “Is there anything you’d like to ask me?” They advise asking about the role, coworkers & company, and not “Are those real?”

Trader Joe’s recalled frozen ‘chicken, lentil & caramelized onion pilaf’ because it may contain rocks. The FDA has launched a broader investigation to the safety protocols of supplier Flintstone Foods.

Taylor Swift released the track list for her new album, ‘The Tortured Poets Department’, and Swifties speculate some are about her breakup with British actor Joe Alwyn, including ‘So Long, London’; ‘The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” and ‘Joe Alwyn Has A Puny Dick And I’m Glad To Be Banging A Huge NFL Player’.

Finland’s flagship airline Finnair will begin weighing passengers in addition to luggage for what they call “balance calculations” for enhanced safety, and what they call “improved traction” for seating heavier passengers above the wheels.

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A ‘hotel breakfast bandit’ is on the loose in Georgia. Police in Dalton say a man has been wandering into hotels offering free lobby breakfast, eating, and leaving. So far he’s hit a Holiday Inn Express, a Quality Inn and others. He’s described as a white male with a  stomach ache and high cholesterol.

President Donald Trump was asked his thoughts on Puerto Rico becoming a full U.S. state. He replied  “absolute no — the 60 we have are plenty.”

The Official Scrabble dictionary added 300 words, and a new Appendix of 300 activities that are much more fun than Scrabble.

A 74-year-old man was found alive in a Washington D.C. area senior complex severely damaged by fire. All other residents had safely evacuated during the blaze, since they already knew how the Murder, She Wrote episode he was watching ended.

Bill Cosby’s sentencing hearing continued for a second day. The 81-year-old comedian, who is legally blind, told the judge he was glad it’s a ‘hearing’ and not a ‘seeing’, proving that, man, he’s still got it.

Cosby’s attorneys are fighting the prosecutor’s recommendation that he receive 24-to-36 months working at Trader Joe’s.

Readers Digest published a new article, ‘Exercises You Should Never Do After Age 50’, which for devoted Readers Digest readers includes “all of them”.

An image of a small baby girl crawling across a busy highway in New Jersey has gone viral. The baby was carried to safety, but told her rescuer that she was late to her job repairing iPhones at a nearby Apple Store.

A 10-year-old girl needed emergency surgery when she shoved a safety pin up her nose and it sprung open. The safety pin was removed through her mouth, but hospital workers are still figuring out how to remove the diaper attached to it.

Designer house GCDS – God Can’t Destroy Streetwear – sent its models down the runway at Milan Fashion Week with a third, prosthetic, breast between their two natural ones. Coincidentally, GCDS is offering its new tops in a Buy 2, Get 1 Free! sale.

 

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Actress Dawn Wells – Mary Ann from ‘Gilligan’s Island’ – is $200k in debt. Her friends started a GoFundMe to help the actress pay medical bills and recover money she lost from bad investments, like funding the Professor’s coconut-powered furnace.

Actor Geoffrey Owens from The Cosby Show – whose story went viral after he was spotted working at a Trader Joe’s – has been offered work by filmmaker Tyler Perry on a show for the Oprah Winfrey Network. Owens has yet to respond, but is reportedly disappointed at not being cast in Perry’s other project, ‘Madea Goes to Trader Joe’s.’

30 more people have reportedly become ill from salmonella-contaminated boxes of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal. The Centers for Disease Control have expanded the cereal’s recall – purchasers are asked to return boxes with specific date codes, and that feature Dig ‘Em the Frog’s cartoon cousin, Puke ‘Em.

Viral video is circulating from a kid’s birthday party in Baton Rouge, where someone in a Minnie Mouse costume teaches kids to twerk while hip-hop songs play, including ‘Show Me How You Ride That D**k’.  The video shows the kids having a great time, but cuts out before Goofy makes it rain and Daisy Duck puts ’em on the glass.

Kim Kardashian visited the White House again to discuss prison reform and the release of Chris Young, jailed for life on non-violent drug charges. President Trump quickly got bored, stared at Kim’s chest and asked if she was interested in releasing two other prisoners.

The New York Times published an anonymous letter from someone claiming to be a senior Trump Administration official, alleging to work with other insiders to resist Trump’s agenda from the inside. Speculation abounds as to the author’s identity, with many insisting it’s the White House cleaning lady hiding the tv remote so Trump can’t watch Fox News.

Domino’s Pizza in Russia offered 100 free pizzas a year for life if followers tattooed the Domino’s logo on their body and shared it on social media. Domino’s halted the promo due to overwhelming response, proving Russia has a serious problem with bad pizza and bad tattoos.

According to dating website Match, singles in San Antonio, Atlanta and Baltimore spend the most money on dating every year, from $2,200-$2500.  That includes food, entertainment and, in Baltimore’s case, self-defense classes & weaponry.

7000 insects, spiders and lizards were reported missing from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion. No one knows what happened to the creatures, but the rats occupying a neighboring cheesesteak restaurant have reportedly hired lawyers.

Dunkin Donuts apologized for sending Philadelphia Eagles cups to New England-area stores, instead of the New England Patriots cups those stores usually get. No word on whether they’ll apologize for the beverages that they put in the cups.

 

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Harley Davidson said that they’re introducing an electric motorcycle, the Livewire, in 2019. Early reviews from women straddling it say they’re not impressed.

The Food & Drug Administration is cautioning women about the safety and efficacy of so-called “vaginal rejuvenation” treatments. The FDA said they have not approved the treatments, especially those being offered as fundraisers for high school football teams.

An eight-year-old at a McDonald’s in West Virginia reportedly pricked her finger on a needle she picked up in the restaurant’s playground area.  McDonald’s announced at a news conference that Grimace had checked himself into a Charleston area rehab.

Salads & wraps sold at Kroger, Trader Joe’s and Walgreens are being recalled for possible contamination with parasites. People who purchased food at Walgreens are asked to discard the products or return them for a refund — and to take a long, hard look at the reasons they’re buying meals at a drug store.

Franklin, the first black ‘Peanuts’ character, turned 50 on Tuesday. Franklin said the death of cartoonist Charles Schulz left him with little hope that he’ll meet a black female Peanuts character.

Facebook confirmed the discovery of new “inauthentic” social media campaigns ahead of the midterm elections. They said they took them down because the Russians behind the campaigns wouldn’t pay extra to “boost” their posts.

Former Fox Network “Hell’s Kitchen” contestant Jessica Vogel passed away at age 34, and will audition to appear on “Heaven’s Kitchen”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that some parents are paying tutors $20/hour to help their children improve at popular video game Fortnite. One Washington, D.C. tutor reports earning $160/day tutoring a boy named Barron.

A McDonald’s in Canada mistakenly served a pregnant woman a cup of cleaning fluid instead of the latte she ordered.  A spokeswoman for McDonald’s said they didn’t want the pregnant woman ingesting so much caffeine.

66-year-old David Hasselhoff married 38-year-old model Hayley Roberts in Italy.  The couple were married by Hasselhoff’s longtime friend Kitt, who escorted the couple to their reception, got carried away and drove into a telephone pole.