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Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour will be released as a concert movie this fall – giving 14-year-old girls a way to get started in business by scalping movie tickets.

A Connecticut man who found a bag containing $5,000 was arrested for larceny after he kept the money, which belonged to a local bank. The man admits he should have returned the money, but wondered what the bank was doing with all the heroin in the bag.

Artificial intelligence will be used to listen to online gamers playing Call Of Duty, and will ban them when & if they use toxic language toward other gamers. Then, AI will attempt to recruit them to the U.S. Army.

Walgreens fired their CEO, as store visits and impulse purchases dropped due to fewer people coming in for COVID vaccines. They plan to turn things around by recruiting a new CEO who’s currently running a lab in Wuhan, China.

Over 70,000 attendees began their exodus from Burning Man festival, where they’d been trapped due to thick mud. At least 15,000 people trying to leave were trapped again after following Google Maps advice for a quicker route.

Kylie Jenner and actor Timothee Chalamet went public with their romance. They were seen together at a Beyonce concert as the ‘Wonka’ star kissed Kylie and fondled her oompa-loompas.

A Delta flight from Atlanta to Barcelona was forced to make an emergency landing because of a passenger’s diarrhea “throughout the airplane”, creating what the pilot called a “biohazard” and passengers called “a poor-fitting diaper”.

An Alexis retractor – a medical device the size of a dinner plate – was found inside of a woman 18 months after she had a baby via c-section. Oddly enough, she gave birth to the retractor naturally.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw resigned to take a leadership position with the Port Authority of New York & New Jersey. She’ll be tasked with getting Port Authority shootings & carjackings up to Philadelphia levels.

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The U.S. Army debuted a new ad campaign targeting Generation Z. It’s called  ‘Screw It, We’re Doing Fine Without You’.

Sources say Google is working on a secret program to collect health information from U.S. residents. They say until Google collects the information, the default setting for Americans health is “terrible”.

Google is reportedly planning to give slow-loading websites a “badge of shame” in its Chrome browser, and a lifetime achievement badge of shame to Comcast for throttling every website its internet service handles.

Government documents say Southwest Airlines is flying three dozen jets without certifying they comply with safety standards. Said a Southwest spokesperson “that’s because they don’t.”

Walmart and Target stores are reporting that popular toy ‘The Super Squishy Blob Ball’ is breaking and leaking. They haven’t seen this many swollen leaky balls since a gonorrhea outbreak at the company management retreat.

Pediatricians say children need simple toys, not iPads and electronics. Parents are advised to give their kid the iPad for a couple of hours to find themselves simple toys. [h/t to A.O. for the story]

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly considering hosting a podcast about the Congressional Impeachment proceedings. He’s looking for wealthy Ukrainian thugs with experience setting up a podcast studio.

Budweiser maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is in talks to buy the Kona Brewing Company. Budweiser plans to expand the Kona lineup with a new brew, just as soon as they learn  the correct Hawaiian word for ‘piss’.

South Carolina officials shut down Dominion Energy’s V.C. Summer nuclear reactor after a leak was discovered. Asked who discovered the leak, Dominion Energy said it’s a guy who’s going to be out of work for a while.

Disney+ is experiencing “unable to connect” errors on launch day. However for extra money, you can buy a Fast Pass to actually bypass the bottleneck and watch what you originally paid for.

 

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.

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Saudis deny involvement in leaks of Jeff Bezos’ private photos, saying his story is pretty boring since a multibillionaire with one wife and one mistress is really just a Starter Kit.

‘This Is America’ won Song of the Year at last night’s Grammy Awards — paving the way for the grand opening of the new Childish Gambino Cabaret Theater in Branson, Missouri.

Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’s running for President. She’d been delaying her announcement until the weather was favorable enough for smoke signals to be seen from a great distance.

A New Zealand restaurant apologized when a server presented a receipt marked ‘Asians’ to a table, presumably to distinguish them from other patrons. The diners complained, and they were presented with a new receipt marked ‘Angry Asians’.

The U.S. Army described their specifications for the Next Generation Squad Weapon [NGSW], a high-tech rifle for future fighting forces. They say it will boost hit probability at long range, adjust for atmospheric conditions, and stop firing when it hears school bells ring.

Jennifer Aniston turned 50, making her eligible to star in romantic comedies opposite Robert Deniro.

Sportscaster Bob Costas claims he was fired by NBC Sports and prevented from hosting Super Bowl 52 because he spoke openly about concussions. Peers and fans alike defended Costas, saying he isn’t the only one wanting to concuss Cris Collinsworth.

Samsung is hosting a press conference on February 20, in which they’re expected to show off a new folding smartphone. Consumers are wary, thinking that once unfolded, it will be impossible to fold it back the right way ever again.

Dating app Bumble introduced ‘Spotlight’, its own version of Tinder’s ‘Boost’, where users can pay extra to have their profiles moved up to the front of the queue for 30 minutes. Bumble claims that, so far, it’s been a huge hit with rich ugly men.

McDonald’s added Donut Sticks to its McCafe Menu. They’ll only be available during breakfast hours, but if you insist on something sweet and bad for you after 10:30a.m., they’ll dump sugar on your french fries.

 

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Missouri Governor Eric Greitens admitted to an extramarital affair, but denied allegations of blackmailing his mistress with a nude photo taken during their meeting. “Show us!” said Missourians.

The U.S. Army is having difficulty finding physically fit recruits due to the U.S. obesity problem. The good news is that the Army is making money from hilarious obstacle course videos with the unfit recruits they do get.

James Franco has been accused of sexual misconduct by five women, including one on the set of 127 Hours, where she says Franco touched her with the hand that wasn’t stuck under a boulder.

Congressional Democrats are planning to wear black and bring sexual assault survivors as guests to President Trump’s first State of the Union address. Asked if she planned to wear black, First Lady Melania Trump said it depends on whether she can find the right shoes.

Walmart is raising its starting wage to $11/hour and giving $1,000 bonuses to eligible employees in response to the U.S. tax cut. Bonus recipients have various plans for the money, although most said they’ll use it to escape poverty for a few days.

China blocked the Marriott Hotels app and website as punishment for listing Tibet, Taiwan, Macau & Hong Kong as separate countries – frustrating U.S. college students booking Spring Break trips to Tibet to find enlightenment and get wasted.

YouTube is punishing Logan Paul for his infamous ‘suicide forest’ video. In addition to making it harder for advertisers to find and place ads on his videos, Paul will have to watch 200 hours of Philadelphia Eagles fan videos discussing their upcoming game in the NFC Divisional Playoffs.

An analysis from Rhodium Group cites the U.S. Transportation Sector – cars & trucks – as the largest source of harmful greenhouse gas emissions for the second consecutive year, followed by the Energy Sector, and the Fast-Casual Mexican Dining sector.

Pizza Hut is working with Toyota to deliver pizzas in driverless vehicles. Early trials have been a mix of successful deliveries and errors – such as vehicles driving through front doors trying to hit the doorbell, and a high rate of cars quitting to start a band.

Some women participating in the 2018 Women’s March on January 20-21 are planning to ditch last year’s popular pink ‘pussy hats’, which they say exclude transgender women and women of color whose genitals aren’t pink — and besides, it hides their kicky new haircut.

 

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An institutionalized Hawaii man described as a “psychopathic predator” – acquitted of a 1979 murder due to insanity – escaped a psychiatric hospital, took a taxi to Honolulu airport and flew to California. Police captured the fugitive, are reviewing his escape and determining how he booked all of that travel with Marlboro Miles.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a form of digital pill with an embedded sensor that tells your doctor when you take it.  The American Veterinary Association approved a similar pill that tells vets your dog or cat spit their pill out and are hiding under the sofa.

Senator John McCain blasted the U.S. Army for a report that they accept recruits with a history of self-mutilation, telling reporters that mutilation of recruits should be saved for basic training.

A U.S. man with a rare condition is the first to undergo gene editing in the body, and now goes by Jeanne.

The release date of superhero sequel Wonder Woman 2 has been moved six weeks earlier, to November 1st, from December 13th, 2019.  “Good luck with her being ready early” said her old boyfriend.

A rare alligator snapping turtle has been found in the forests of Illinois, the first such sighting in the state in 30 years. The 30-pound female is around 18-years-old and was discovered wandering alone, wondering where all of the cute guys are.

Taylor Swift surprised shoppers at a Nashville Target store with an unannounced  appearance, followed by the release of a store-exclusive diss track “Snake Getting Groceries”, aimed at people who asked her for selfies without buying her Reputation album first.

People magazine named Blake Shelton their ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, with the express condition he not write a terrible country song with that title.

Three UCLA men’s basketball players returned with the team from China, where they were detained after allegedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Upon arrival in the U.S., the players updated their Amazon Wish Lists to include “new sunglasses”.

President Trump is breaking with tradition and will not meet the American winners of Nobel Prizes. The White House cited a scheduling conflict with the Arena Football League Champion Philadelphia Soul – assuming they accept.