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The NFL released its 2024-25 regular season schedule, and announced that Netflix will have exclusive rights to air two Christmas Day games. Thanksgiving games will be split between AppleTV+, Hulu, and Disney+ just to see how pissed off football fans can get.

McDonald’s will reintroduce a $5 Value Meal, but will only make it available for a month, and will require a 7-day advance reservation in the dining room.

Uber announced they’ll offer group shuttle rides to shared destinations like airports, concerts & sporting events. Uber Shuttle drivers are looking forward to the opportunity to sexually harass dozens of passengers at once.

Due to shrinking space from beach erosion, North Wildwood, New Jersey has banned the use of beach tents. If couples want to make out without being seen, they’ll be directed by lifeguards to join the junkies and gays under the boardwalk.

Comcast is offering subscibers a Peacock/Netflix/AppleTV+ bundle called StreamSaver – it’s available to all customers who currently pay $150/month for cable tv.

Rumors are swirling that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are headed for divorce, as they’ve not been seen together in public for seven weeks, and Lopez has reportedly banned all Dunkin products from the backstage area of her upcoming tour.

The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas is closing. Families of Sigfried & Roy are being asked for the last time to come and get any tigers still hanging around.

Warren Buffett revealed the ‘mystery company’ that his Berkshire Hathaway corporation has invested over $6 billion dollars in – it’s insurance company Chubb. The announcement gave other investors in the stock a pretty big Chubb.

A Major League Soccer between New York City & the Philadelphia Union was delayed for over two minutes when raccoon ran on to the field. The raccoon was chased away, but asked by team officials to return any time it wants to help liven up soccer games.

Under Armour announced a wave of layoffs, saying they’re Over Staffed.

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Actor Dennis Quaid, 65, confirmed he’s engaged to 26-year-old Laura Savoie. Savoie had previously dated Jeremy Piven right up until she watched Piven’s stand-up comedy act.

  • Actor Randy Quaid announced his engagement to a 21-year-old black bear he met while hiking in the woods.

TMZ reports actress Lori Loughlin is more likely to take a plea deal in her college admissions trial. She’s reportedly scared by Felicity Huffman’s 14-day prison sentence, and more scared of wearing that green prison suit Huffman was photographed in.

A St. Louis high school cancelled the remainder of their undefeated football season after finding out the coach suited up a suspended player with a new number and identity. The player was identified by his tattoos, and by the funny nose/moustache/glasses he wore.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos visited a Washington D.C. school. One student asked “Who’s Jeff Bezos?” The teacher replied, “ask your Dad, Barron.”

The cast of ‘Facts of Life’ – Tootie, Blair, Natalie & Jo – will reunite for a Lifetime Holiday movie, “Facts of Menopause Christmas”.

Google Maps will now allow drivers to report slowdowns, police speed traps, and road hazards – like the rear-end collisions they experience while staring at their phone reporting slowdowns and police speed traps.

Miley Cyrus defended her “you don’t have to be gay” comment about distrusting men, reaffirming her belief that being gay is not a choice, and her prioritization of the LGBTQ community that she is a part of when she feels like it.

A meth addict living in a suburban Philadelphia halfway house ordered uranium because he thought it would be cool to pose with it and share a photo on social media. He’s now being treated for smoking uranium.

A National Bureau of Economic Research study finds 60 percent of Uber riders don’t tip, and women tip less than men, possibly because they’re terrified.

Under Armour founder Kevin Plank is resigning as CEO amidst the company’s loss in market share, and as he struggles to explain why they’re still called Under Armour even though most of their stuff is worn on the outside.

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NBA star Steph Curry’s new Under Armour basketball shoe, the Curry 6, was co-designed by 9-year-old Riley Morrison, who had questioned why past versions didn’t come in women’s sizes. Curry’s will be the first lavender shoe in NBA games with light-up heels.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort was sentenced to 47 months in prison, a punishment approximate to the 48 months U.S. citizens were given in November, 2016.

A German man was sentenced to life in prison for attempted murder by poisoning his coworkers’ sandwiches. Defense attorneys unsuccessfully argued the coworkers were killing themselves anyway, since they were eating liverwurst.

UrbanSitter published rates to hire babysitters in 28 U.S. locations. The highest hourly rate was in San Francisco, which averaged nearly $20/hour, to a low of $0 in Mobile, Alabama & Hattiesburg, Mississippi – where respondents asked “why would I pay the dog?”

SpaceX’s Crew Dragon safely returned home from its supply delivery mission to the International Space Station, with pilot dummy ‘Ripley’ intact. Ripley will now be kept under observation for a week to see what pops out of its stomach.

Buffalo Bills GM Brandon Beane issued a public statement refuting reports that the Bills would acquire Steelers WR Antonio Brown, saying he’d prefer to groom malcontents instead of getting one off-the-shelf.

Disney shareholders narrowly approved a $35 million pay package for CEO Bob Iger. A dissenting voter at the annual meeting was quoted saying “Gawrsh! Guh-hoot, guh-hoot, when’s he gawrna start payin US more? Guh-hoot..”

President Trump will visit the site of Alabama tornadoes, which claimed the lives of 23 people. He’s expected to be joined by members of the National Weather Service & Army Corps of Engineers, assigned to monitor winds and keep his hair in place.

Philadelphia banned cashless businesses. Lawmakers argued that a quarter of city residents live in poverty and don’t have credit cards — meaning they probably don’t have cash, either, but, hey, let’s fix the symptom instead of the disease.

A new report claims the FDA is allowing manufacturers of wound-closing surgical staplers to hide incidents of malfunction, causing bleeding or death. The stapler malfunctions were brought to light by coroners examining cadavers’ surgical incisions closed with Scotch tape and paper clips.

 

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A Delta Airlines passenger was outraged when he was forced to sit in a seat on his Atlanta-to-Miami flight that was “covered in feces” from a service dog on the prior leg of the flight. He still took it after flight attendants refused to clean it, and after 75 failed attempts asking other passengers to switch seats.

More than 100 women were elected to Congress, and are already working together around-the-clock on a bill to raise the thermostat in the Capitol building.

Following the mysterious fatal wreck of a Lion Air flight in Indonesia, Boeing issued a safety warning regarding the 737 MAX jet involved. Right now it’s just a sticker on the cockpit instrument panel that reads “Plane May Crash”, but they promise to dig in for more details.

Samsung is planning to introduce a new ‘flip smartphone’, so you can look even smarter in 1999.

Three managers at a home improvement company in China have been jailed after reportedly forcing employees to eat cockroaches and drink urine for missing sales targets. Video of the punishment surfaced on social media, and led to a shopper boycott of Human Atrocity Depot.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for making terroristic threats when, after being told he wasn’t registered to vote, said he was going to get a gun and come back and shoot workers. He was taken in custody wearing a “I Threatened To Shoot Up A Polling Place” sticker.

Guinness will release a new type of its classic stout, aged in bourbon barrels, hoping to capture the unmistakable scent of bourbon in the urine of drunks pissing themselves after blacking out in the bar.

Voters in San Francisco approved Proposition C, a ballot measure requiring high-revenue companies in the city to pay taxes to fight homelessness. The next step is for homeless people to decide which city they’ll fly to with their free airline ticket.

Under Armour said it will change its culture, following a Wall St Journal article alleging employees were free to put strip-club visits on their corporate cards. At first, Under Armour fought back, saying the strip club trips were to see if their jogbras and yoga pants were easily removed on stage.

Two St. Louis day care workers were charged with felonies after video from 2016 surfaced of a “fight club”; the workers gave 3-and-4-year-olds toy ‘Hulk hands’, then encouraged them to fight. A 6-year-old star witness is expected to testify, assured by prosecutors that he can keep his Championship Belt.

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Kevin Spacey, co-star of the summer smash film Baby Driver, has not been offered a role in the sequel, Teen Driver.

Giant 24-inch footprints of a 200-million-year-old carnivorous dinosaur have been discovered in Southern Africa. No fossils have been found, but archaeologists know the creature is really old because the footprints have a ‘Skechers’ logo in them.

Selena Gomez broke up with her boyfriend of 10 months, telling close friends she was taking The Weekend off.

A 27 year old Japanese man has been arrested after Tokyo police found as many as nine bodies in coolers in his apartment. He was taken into custody and stripped of his sushi license.

The 10-year-old daughter of an Apple engineer claims her father was fired because she released a YouTube video showing off the iPhone X prior to its formal release.  The video is generally positive, but opens with several minutes of the phone failing to recognize her face and asking for hints.

Actress Ariane Bellamar has accused Jeremy Piven of sexual assault on the set of ‘Entourage‘, surprising Hollywood insiders who felt that the biggest crime involving Entourage was making it into a movie.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said that the Civil War was caused by a “lack of ability to compromise” and, based on his knowledge of history, Union soldiers kneeling in protest when Confederate soldiers played ‘Dixie’ prior to battles.

Under Armour stock tumbled after releasing lower-than-expected earnings and a reduced 4th quarter sales forecast. Responding to rumored supply chain issues, Under Armour CEO dismissed them, saying the company has a steady supply of basketball players who want ugly shoes.

Japanese news organizations are reporting fatalities in the collapse of a tunnel at a North Korean nuclear missile site. President Trump placed a call to ISIS asking for advice on how to take credit for something terrible that you had nothing to do with.

Corey Feldman is trying to crowdfund $10 million on indiegogo to produce a film that will name the names of dangerous Hollywood pedophiles. So far he’s raised only 2%, or $169,000, and may just name the names in a bonus commentary track of a Blu-ray re-release of Meatballs 4.

 

 

 

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Amazon has opened five Instant Pickup locations, allowing Prime members to order goods online, then get them in person as fast as two minutes later. As of now, all five locations are in college stores, and 99% of customers seeking a ‘Prime Instant Pickup’ on campus are men.

  • Women are hesitant to try Instant Pickup. But if they’re having a good time? And the guys listen to them a little bit?….Maybe.

A judge ruled that Costco must pay luxury jeweler Tiffany $19 million in lost profits and penalties, for selling fake Tiffany jewelry in Costco locations. A Tiffany spokesperson praised the ruling, adding that they never have, and never will, sell NASCAR engagement rings.

CEOs from Intel and Under Armour resigned from President Trump’s Manufacturing Council, following the lead of Merck CEO Kenneth Frazier. Trump Tweeted “For every CEO that drops out of the Manufacturing Council, I have many to take their place. Grandstanders should not have gone on. JOBS!” Reached via Ouija board, Steve Jobs said he would’ve quit too.

  • At the current rate of attrition, by year’s end the Manufacturer’s Council will be Trump and GM CEO Mary Barra sitting on a sofa watching Property Brothers reruns.

CEO Edward Stack forecast declining 2017 sales for sporting goods retailer Dick’s, sending shares tumbling 16%. Angry investors are losing faith in this Stack, of Dick’s.

Bugatti introduced the world’s fastest passenger car, the Bugatti Chiron. It goes 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds, has a 1,500 horsepower 16-cylinder engine, costs $3 million, and no, Daddy can’t take you for a ride in it because he’s late to meet his new lady friend.

Infamous white supremacist website Daily Stormer is down after its domain and hosting support were pulled by GoDaddy and Google. In a related story, Fox News online advertising is expected to come in way under budget for August.

President Obama’s Tweet in the wake of the Charlottesville violence – a quote from Nelson Mandela – became the 2nd-most liked Tweet ever with over 2.6 million Likes.  It send Kim Kardashian scrambling for a full-length mirror, thong & smartphone to try and crank out 3 million.

Bill Gates filed 2017 paperwork showing charitable donations of 60 million Microsoft shares valued at $4.6 Billion. President Trump wished that he wasn’t still being audited or else he’d follow suit.

The 3rd annual NetBase Global Top 100 Brand Love List was released, and the most-loved brand worldwide is…Facebook.  NetBase said they compiled the list by “looking at social media brand conversations across the web…” — without permission.

Uber has agreed to 20 years of audits from the Federal Trade Commission, to address concerns that they were not doing enough to protect customers’ data and privacy. Uber said they look forward to learning just how creepy their stalker-drivers have been and will be.