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Harley Davidson says it’s on track to deliver its first electric motorcycle in 18 months, giving biker gangs time to redirect a portion of their drug sales to charging stations.

The State of California may require a cancer warning on coffee. Starbucks plans to stay ahead of the requirement with its introduction of the Chemolatte.

Melania Trump attended President Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address wearing white after Labor Day, Christmas Day, New Years Day and Stormy Day.

The First Lady rode separately to the State of the Union, so she could practice giving the silent treatment to the heroes attending as guests riding with her.

Brenda Fitzgerald, Director for the Centers for Disease Control, resigned after it was revealed she bought and sold stocks in tobacco companies. Her resignation comes just prior to the release of her first tobacco-related report: ‘Cigarettes – At Least They’re Not Ebola’.

A Wall Street Journal report states that elite colleges and universities like University of Pennsylvania and Georgia Tech spend as little as 8 minutes reviewing student applications. Conversely, a spokesperson for the University of Phoenix said they typically take up to three full days waiting for the check to clear.

Russia’s government warned that locusts could destroy the grass fields at FIFA World Cup 2018 stadiums, and have added increased border security to prevent winged insects from the U.S. traveling to disrupt the outcome.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s website introduced a new line of bath salts called Goop Bath, and was promptly sued by a porn company for trademark infringement.

Amy Duggar, niece of ’19 Kids and Counting’ reality stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, said that she wants to adopt the 13 abused Turpin children, so that they can get the 1-on-50 attention that only the Duggar family can provide.

Mel Gibson is reportedly working on a sequel to Passion of the Christ; the working title is Passion of the Christ 2: Die Harder. [h/t to Jeff Ost]

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Cambodian authorities arrested 10 foreigners for so-called “pornographic dancing” at the site of the Angkor Wat temple. If convicted, they face up to a year in jail, and another year pornographic dancing at one of Cambodia’s many pornographic dancing go-go bars.

A 13-year-old Maryland boy was flown to a hospital to have a large screw removed after it became embedded in his skull during a treehouse-building accident. Post-surgery, the boy told doctors he expected to get screwed in his treehouse, but not like this.

A 7-year-old Miami first grader was handcuffed by local police after hitting his teacher. The boy returned to class the next day and was showered with affection by 7-year-old girls who just can’t help crushing on bad boys.

A 20-year-old Australian college student located secret U.S. training bases via running maps shared by soldiers’ fitness trackers using the Strava app. The Aussie was also able to pinpoint the location of ISIS training cells using maps posted by the My Terrorism Pal app.

Executions are reportedly increasing in North Korea, as more military officers are being accused of corruption, and to keep citizens entertained as the good North Korean tv shows go in to reruns.

Apple is cutting production of its flagship iPhone X after reports of weak Christmas sales, and reports of iPhone X owners getting beat up for repeatedly sharing singing animoji videos.

LPGA Tour golfer Suzann Pettersen said in an interview that President Donald Trump “cheats like hell” while playing golf, usually with the help of his caddie, Stormy.

Travellers are being warned about barefoot walks on tropical beaches after a Canadian couple walking in the Dominican Republic contracted hookworm parasites on their feet. Also, Dominican hookworms are being warned about deportation to Canada.

Volkswagen is under fire after it was revealed that they performed tests exposing monkeys to diesel fumes. VW fired back, saying the monkeys were well compensated, and were already being exposed to diesel fumes unloading trailers at Walmart warehouses.

A new study by the University of Redlands states that in 20 years, up to 65% of jobs in Las Vegas could be automated. These include retail clerks, casino dealers & cashiers and sex robots for Asian tourists cheating on their other sex robots.

 

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NASA states that an asteroid may pass by Earth during Sunday’s Super Bowl. But, since the asteroid is expected to miss everybody by 2.9 million miles, they’re naming it Third String Quarterback.

President Trump called out Jay-Z on Twitter about Trump’s policy contributions to low black unemployment, while Jay-Z said that Omarosa and Ben Carson cancel each other out.

Casino mogul and accused sexual predator Steve Wynn stepped down as Finance Chairman of the Republican National Committee – in what Democrats are privately calling a Wynn-Win.

James Franco was removed from the cover of Vanity Fair‘s Hollywood issue due to his sexual misconduct allegations. However, Vanity Fair said they’d consider putting him on a future cover if he wants to pose topless & eight months pregnant.

Talentless blowhard Piers Morgan tweeted a ‘teaser’ of his interview with President Donald Trump, wherein Trump declares that he’s ‘not a feminist’. Trump believes instead of males being feminists, women should be self reliant, grabbing themselves by the pussy and pulling themselves up.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio fired his Chief of Staff Clint Reed over ‘improper relations with subordinates’. When presented with the facts, there was really Little Marco could do.

Replacing the refrigerators on Air Force One will cost taxpayers $24 million in parts & labor, and $50 million a year in Diet Coke and Haagen-Dazs.

Elon Musk’s The Boring Company is accepting preorders for a $500 flame thrower. A portion of the proceeds will go to awareness and prevention of really unique suicides.

Monthly movie theater subscription service MoviePass pulled out of support for some of AMC Theaters highest-traffic cinemas in the hope AMC will sweeten its deal terms, and because MoviePass found out the popcorn they serve was made weeks ago.

SpaceX is scheduled to launch the Falcon Heavy – the world’s largest rocket – in early February. The rocket is powerful enough to send humans to Mars, although its maiden launch will carry a dummy payload. Eric Trump said he can’t wait for his family’s space vacation next week.

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The New York Times reports that President Trump wanted to fire Special Investigator Robert Mueller last June but was talked out of it, by White House Senior Counsel Stormy Daniels.

‘Fire And Fury’ author Michael Wolff is allegedly behind a new rumor linking President Trump in a sexual affair with U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley. Rumors were fueled by recent refills of Cialis with the Presidential seal shipped to the U.N., and Secret Service carrying supersoakers full of lubricant.

President Trump is ordering a 20% tariff on imported washing machines, which is what he calls Haitians.

A new study of Australian teenagers in journal Lancet Public Health claims that parents who provide alcohol to underage teens may increase their alcohol-related risks later in life, but the underage drinking teens will make an above-average Manhattan.

Former tv star Adam Hicks, of the Disney sitcom Zeke and Luther, was arrested along with an accomplice and charged with four armed robberies of pedestrians in Burbank California. Hicks was held on $350,000 bail and is scheduled to receive the coveted Dana Plato Child Actor Lifetime Achievement Award.

2017 Oscar winner Casey Affleck has backed out of presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar, saying none of them are all that hot, anyway.

Actress Brie Larson was photographed in costume on the set of the upcoming Captain Marvel film. Website The Nerdist wrote that “her costume isn’t quite what we expected” since it’s shades of green instead of blue, red & gold. That’s right, in 2018, even female superheroes can get blasted by geeks for their outfit choice.

Apple previewed upcoming iOS release 11.3, which will feature new Animojis, battery-management tools and updates to Apple Pay. The system will be available for download in the spring, and you’ll be able to use it by the end of summer.

Fistfights and riots broke out at locations of the French supermarket chain Intermarche, as shoppers battled to get containers of Nutella at a 70% discount. In several instances, French police were called to dispense wine and cigarettes to get everyone to calm down.

Zero-commission stock trading app Robinhood added zero-fee cryptocurrency trading, making it easier for people with smartphones to buy and sell something that they know absolutely nothing about.

A new startup, Cargo, raised millions in funding for its product – which allows Uber drivers to sell snacks and essentials to passengers, and for passengers to sell deodorant to drivers.

 

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Donald & Melania Trump marked their 13th anniversary Wednesday. Traditionally, the 13th anniversary is marked with a gift of lace; so the President laced his wife’s drink with rohypnol before she could lock herself in a separate bedroom.

Illusionist David Copperfield is accused of drugging and assaulting a model 30 years ago, when she was just 17. The woman claims Copperfield poured a substance in her drink, then hid the rest of the drink by pouring it into a top hat.

Oprah Winfrey addressed recent rumors by telling InStyle magazine that she “doesn’t have the DNA for a presidential run…..just tons and tons and tons of money for it..”

Heather Nelson became the first woman to head a whisky distillery by herself. Nelson – founder of Toulvaddie brand – posed for her official CEO portrait, disliked it, and then posed for another after the artist had a few scotches…and looked great.

A senior Trump Administration official in the Housing & Urban Development department apologized for calling a member of the White House press corps “Miss Piggy”, saying “that’s the President’s job.”

Scientists in Greece have recreated the face of “Dawn”, an 18-year-old girl whose 9,000-year-old remains were found in a cave in 1993. Scientists are now working feverishly to recreate another 18-year-old girl to tell Dawn how cute she looks.

United Airlines announced that it’s increasing capacity on flights between 4 and 6% this year; Southwest said they’ll be adding 5% more room. The additions are a combination of more Basic Economy seats, and Companion Crates for people traveling with small dogs.

A New Jersey couple being married by a judge had to finish the ceremony in a courthouse bathroom, as EMTs gave oxygen to the bride’s mother for her asthma. Ironically, she was the only one who didn’t have difficulty breathing.

Facebook’s Oculus team invented a new increment of time for use in processing content. The ‘Flick’ is 1/705,600,000 of a second long; and they’re encouraging content creators to embrace it by calling Facebook “a huge waste of Flicks.”

‘Flip or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa is reportedly dating lingerie model Patience Silva. The two met on a celebrity dating app, and things got serious after she approved the five-figure budget to work in her backyard.

 

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Barry Lubin, 65, who performs in the Big Apple Circus as ‘Grandma the Clown’, resigned after a former female aerialist in the circus said he pressured her to pose for pornographic photos when she was just 16. In a statement, Lubin said “what I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Honk. Honk.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview with The Guardian that he doesn’t want his 10-year-old nephew on social media. Cook prefers kids that age to focus on other things, like assembling iPads.

In the wake of the U.S. corporate tax cut, Starbucks announced that they’re spending $120 million on higher wages for workers, and that eligible hourly workers will receive a bonus check of $500 with the wrong name written on it.

A 1.7-billion-year-old chunk of Canada was found in Australia. The sedimentary sandstone rocks, native to Canada, were identified by their sensible toques and the gratitude they expressed to geologists for being found.

Tiger Woods told reporters that he’s ready to return to the Tour — the Stormy Daniels ‘Make America Horny Again’ Tour.

The Justice Department is threatening to subpoena 23 so-called ‘sanctuary cities’ for failure to comply with immigration regulations. Lawyers spent several hours Wednesday morning explaining to President Trump that issuing a subpoena to a city doesn’t mean everybody in the city needs to show up for the hearing.

Wednesday is National Peanut Butter day, in case you’re wondering why your single lady friend stayed home with her dog.

Toys R Us is closing 180 stores. Amazon is offering to pick up the slack, inviting parents to bring toddlers to the toy section of their warehouses for meltdowns.

A rare endangered North Atlantic right whale was spotted off the coast of Mexico; experts say it’s the same whale that was spotted in Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month. It’s unclear why the whale is choosing this pattern, but DEA agents want to speak to the whale about the contents of a large suitcase it’s carrying.

Chinese researchers successfully cloned two twin macaque monkeys, using the same method pioneered in 1996 to clone sheep. The monkeys are healthy, living in an incubator, but are impatiently asking anyone to clone some goddamned bananas.

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A new Bankrate study states 9 million people are hiding credit cards, savings or bank accounts from their live-in partner. Surprisingly, 31% of respondents say they consider “financial cheating” worse than “physical cheating.” Not surprisingly, the men who admitted using a joint checking account to have sex with a hooker did not get congratulated for it.

Item-tracking company Tile laid off 30 employees; and the Tiles attached to their laptops and other office supplies were traced to employee toilets.

A Norwegian Airlines jet broke the record for fastest transatlantic flight in a subsonic aircraft, going from New York to London in just 5 hours, 13 minutes – a 30-minute improvement off the old record. The jet’s speed was boosted by an especially powerful jet stream, and the pilot’s decision to have Indian food for lunch.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Las Vegas McCarran Airport is adding a pop-up marriage license bureau, where lovers looking to tie the knot can buy their license for $77. Visitors are asked to complete a pre-application, or to just skip it altogether, spend the money on blackjack and have one less thing to regret.

The dog flu is spreading across the U.S. for the first time in years; animal experts say few dogs are immunized, largely because the dogs run when they hear the word ‘vet’.

Former porn star and alleged Donald Trump mistress Stormy Daniels kicked off her “Make America Horny Again” tour at a strip club in South Carolina. Official tour t-shirts are available for $25 dry, or $30 wet.

New Jersey’s first lady told the crowd at a Women’s March that she was sexually assaulted, her speech was followed by a speech from former Governor Chris Christie’s last lunch entree, which was assaulted, but not necessarily sexually.

Great Britain’s Princess Eugenie of York is engaged to Jack Brooksbank – the soon-to-be “Eugenie Brooksbank” will receive the British Crown’s Award for Most Britishest Sounding Name Ever.

Twitter’s Chief Operating Officer resigned, hashtag #TrumpIsYourProblemNow.

Rum maker Bacardi is buying tequila maker Patron for $5 billion; $4 billion in tangible assets, and $1 billion in goodwill from douchebags and drunk chicks.

 

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The Producers Guild of America approved guidelines for combating sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The guidelines ask that each production be vigilant in preventing harassment, that whistleblowers be protected, and that producers keep their whistles in their pants.

Delta Airlines says they’re cracking down on passengers’ emotional support animals; this, following a mid-flight argument between a flight attendant and a pug who wanted the whole can of Alpo.

  • United Airlines says they’re also cracking down on animal companions; only by ‘cracking down’ United means they’re breaking the animal in to pieces and sending it on to baggage claim with no further explanation.

Cape Town could be the first major city in the world to run out of water. Residents must limit their showers to one-and-a-half minutes. “No problem!” said Cape Town men who like to have sex in the shower.

Singer Ed Sheeran announced that he was secretly engaged. Fiancee Cherry Seaborn announced that she secretly called it off.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino arrived in a New Jersey court to plead guilty to tax evasion. He’ll film a ‘Jersey Shore’ reunion before returning to court as Mike ‘Five Years In The Joint’ Sorrentino.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West named their new baby daughter ‘Chicago’ — leaving pregnant sisters Kylie and Khloe to duke it out between ‘Detroit’ and ‘Cleveland’.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh fired the crime-ridden city’s Police Commissioner Kevin Davis. Davis was reportedly given just a few minutes at his office to clean out his unregistered guns and bribes.

A new Boston University study concludes that chronic brain disease CTE isn’t caused by concussions, but rather by repeated hits to the head, even without concussion. The study authors warn parents to be vigilant looking for CTE symptoms in children who are athletes, or frequent noogie recipients.

President Trump, addressing the ‘March for Life’ event, called on the U.S. Senate to outlaw abortions after 20 weeks.  “Sure, if that includes your term” said Democratic Senators, in what observers of burns are calling ‘a layup’.

Congress was unable to avert a U.S. Government Shutdown. Callers to the White House received this voice message: “”Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are holding govt. funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Oh, and if this is Grubhub ask the guards to take the Big Macs inside.”

 

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A Florida man was arrested for DUI after he pulled up to a drive-thru at a bank and ordered a burrito. Meanwhile a different man pulled up to a Taco Bell and asked for cash. The clerk asked if he was drunk, and the driver said no, it was a goddamned robbery and to give him the money.

Actress Ruby Rose underwent successful surgery to correct a spinal condition. Though doctors said for now she can expect the incision to remain Ruby Red.

Monster has passed Red Bull to become the most popular energy drink in the U.S. Monster has 43% domestic market share, meaning 43 cans are found next to every 100 under-40 heart attack victims.

WhatsApp launched its new business messaging tool, I’mNotHere.

Amazon is planning a 20% rate increase for month-to-month Prime memberships, citing increased health care costs for drones injured on the job.

Porn star Stormy Daniels allegedly spanked Donald Trump with a copy of Forbes magazine featuring his photo on the cover, since Trump’s first choice – a copy of Teen Vogue with Ivanka Trump on the cover – was still too sticky.

Actor Michael Douglas has been accused of sexual harassment. The claims date back to a time when Douglas was actually physically capable of it.

  • No word on how this will affect Douglas’ role in the upcoming Ant Man 2; although producers are exploring a title change to Ant Man: Me 2.

A 19-year-old New Jersey woman was expelled from the University of Alabama for posting a YouTube video where she repeatedly used the n-word. “That’s not right; it’s our word”, said white Alabamians.

Porn production company Naughty America said that it’s working on a new augmented reality product featuring three-dimensional women that doesn’t involve pornography. No more details were shared, although the company recently trademarked the name Clean My Bathroom America.

Prosecutors in Bill Cosby’s sexual assault retrial want jurors to hear from 20 of his accusers this time, not just two, claiming that it was difficult for just two women to form a band to perform a song about why rape is bad.

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As part of tax reform, Apple is planning to pay a $38 billion repatriation tax on its overseas cash reserves. Apple also announced plans to build a new campus and create 20,000 new jobs, just as soon as 6th grade lets out in the spring.

Walmart is giving away free opioid disposal kits to get rid of excess pills. Walmart’s pharmacists point out that these kits are different from the opioid disposal being offered by the high school kids in the parking lot.

A doctor in Florida took a golf course photo of an alligator wrestling with a burmese python near the water. A day later, the alligator and the python were gone, banned for slow play and failure to wear collared shirts.

Americans are dubious of White House doctor Ronny Jackson’s assessment that President Trump weighs 239 pounds, and that Trump is “like, the least overweight guy you’ve ever interviewed.”

Twitter plans to inform users who were exposed to content from Russians. In a follow- up, Twitter said that the easiest way to check is to see if they’re following this person:realtrump

Researchers at the University of Manchester in England concluded that microwaves are as bad for the environment as cars – or at least the microwaves churning out British recipes are.

An Irish mother of five legally married a 300 year old pirate ghost. They’re registered at Smelly Bed, Needs A Bath & Great Beyond.

Republicans are reportedly angry at President Trump for tweeting policy positions that may lead to a government shutdown. For his part, the President said that he’s willing to work as many as 72 holes to get a deal done.

A drone in Australia was used to drop a flotation device to save the lives of two swimmers stranded in the ocean. The swimmers were able to swim to shore; the drone landed and now has his choice of hot chicks on New South Wales beach.

Spotify is launching “Spotlight” – a new podcast format that includes visual elements. Now in addition to not listening to your friend’s podcast, you can not see it, either.