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Campbell/Pepperidge Farm is launching two new plant-based flavors of Goldfish snack crackers, Sweet Carrot and Cheesy Tomato. If you don’t like the new Goldfish, you can always flush them down the toilet.

A man and his pet opossum were kicked off a Jet Blue flight after the man released the animal from its carrier. It took a half hour because the passenger and the opossum both played dead.

New Hampshire enacted a Bring Your Baby To Work law, allowing state employees with infants between six weeks and six months old to bring them to work; just in time for winter, when state snowplow drivers need someone else to take the wheel for breaks.

A couple married for 70 years died minutes apart in Michigan. She passed away, then he decided he couldn’t eat his own cooking.

Indiana state troopers arrested a car thief driving a stolen Toyota with a fake license plate he’d drawn in crayon on a brown paper grocery bag. They requested his license & registration, and he asked for a moment while he got out his crayons and paper bag.

5,700-year-old chewing gum made from birch pitch was unearthed in Denmark, and scientists could retrieve the human genome and food particles from it. It was so well-preserved because it was wrapped in a Bazooka Cro-Magnon Joe comic.

A Florida man surrendered to police, admitting that he masturbated on to a woman in a Walmart toy aisle. Asked why he did it, the man said because the housewares section was pretty dead.

Following a Wall Street Journal exposé, Amazon updated its sellers policy to prohibit them from offering items found in the trash. Amazon said if you want to buy garbage, there’s always Goodwill and Five Below.

Police searching a 75-year-old Utah woman’s home after her death found the body of her husband in a freezer, along with a notarized letter stating that she didn’t kill him. Authorities believe she hid the body to collect his Social Security and Army benefits, and in case she ran out of steaks.

Puerto Rico announced their intent to defy a U.S. ban and continue legalized cockfighting. They say the ban was put in place after construction was near completion on the 15,000 seat Frank Perdue Cockfighting Arena.

 

 

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After the website crashed on the final day of open enrollment, the National Healthcare Marketplace – Obamacare – extended the deadline. People getting Obamacare were given one more day to find out their credit card was declined.

25 years after its initial release, Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.  Experts seeking to prevent mass shootings hope the same thing doesn’t happen with Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’.

Coca-Cola is starting the Coca-Cola Insiders Club, where subscribers pay $10/month to get a monthly shipment of new-to-the-public Coke beverages along with “other surprises”, like replacement teeth.

After a series of hacks, Ring security camera makers gave advice on how to keep your camera from being accessed. They include using two-factor authentication, changing passwords, and looking gross so hackers won’t want to spy on you.

A Chinese woman will be deported after her conviction for operating a “birth tourism” business – where pregnant Chinese women would give birth in the U.S. so their children would be U.S. citizens. She was discovered after too many customers delivered girls and left them when they returned to China.

Sylvester Stallone visited the famed ‘Rocky’ statue in Philadelphia on Monday, as part of a secret that he would only describe as “something extraordinary” – leaving many to think it would be something extraordinary if he stopped making movies.

Chain restaurants such as Wendy’s, Chick-fil-A, and others are using “ghost kitchens” – kitchens without restaurants that are solely devoted to online & delivery orders. However they’re concerned about “ghost delivery drivers” who disappear with the food.

Members of Mötley Crüe are reportedly working with trainers and nutritionists to prepare for their summer stadium tour. Bassist Nikki Sixx said he’s eating 2500 “macro balanced” calories a day, while guitarist Mick Mars receives daily one-gallon infusions of teenage blood.

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta reunited for a Grease Sing-A-Long in Florida, with Newton-John wearing her original costume, and Travolta wearing his costume and a full head of hair.

Ironically, Clint Eastwood biopic ‘Richard Jewell’ bombed at the weekend box office, despite Jewell not really being the bomber.

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Hallmark Channel pulled an ad from a wedding planning service because it showed two women kissing. The ad was then reshot with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert as the kissing couple, and Hallmark Channel was contractually obligated to show it.

Government health officials claim excessive use of marijuana can cause psychosis. Marijuana advocates respond by saying that’s the point.

Military officials are investigating whether cadets attending the Army/Navy Game flashed a ‘white power’ hand sign – touching thumb & index fingers with the remaining digits extended – while on-camera at the game. The cadet claimed he was just trying to say he only had to attend three more of these cold, terrible football games.

A New England Patriots videographer taking images of the Cincinnati Bengals sideline last week was suspended by the team for an unspecified period, accompanied by an unspecified promotion and pay raise.

The Oakland Raiders played their final home game before relocating next season to become the Las Vegas Raiders. Team slogans ‘Commitment to Excellence’ and ‘Pride and Poise’ will be joined by ‘Best Buffet & Loosest Slots in the NFL’.

A package thief in St. Paul, Minnesota left behind a handwritten note thanking the intended recipient for leaving it where it could be stolen. Police are baffled because the note was written in cursive with no spelling errors.

Aussie airline Qantas selected Airbus jets for their planned 19-hour nonstop flights from Australia to the U.S. They said they may change their mind and buy Boeing if passengers decide they want unexpected nosedives to help break up the long trip.

After postponing his ‘Big Tour’ for three months to spend time with his family and newborn daughter, Chance the Rapper canceled it altogether. The Big Tour is now renamed the No Chance Tour.

Accuweather meteorologist John Gresiak said 25 million Americans will see varied precipitation on Monday, from sleet to freezing rain, that he calls a “mixed bag of glop”. Thousands more Americans will also see a mixed bag of glop on Monday when they hit the Arby’s drive-thru.

The Department of Justice is investigating an Iowa psychiatric care facility for conducting “human arousal studies” on residents with mental challenges. The study was to determine if people living in Iowa in December could still become aroused.

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Heavy storm activity washed thousands of penis-shaped ‘fat innkeeper worms’ on to a northern California beach. Ordinarily, to see that many ugly dicks on a beach you’d have to go to the Jersey Shore in July.

Senator Mitch McConnell said in the event of a Senate Impeachment Trial, he’ll let White House lawyers run it. So they’ll need to move the time to coincide with the work day in Ukraine.

Lizzo is Time Magazine’s 2019 Entertainer of the Year. She awaits her congratulatory insult tweet from President Trump.

Comcast announced price increases for its cable TV and broadband Internet service plans. In a statement, a spokesperson attributed the price hikes to the sun rising and the sky being blue.

Amazon is launching a home internet service. Once you click a link, the page loads in two days.

Slate published an opinion piece asserting homeowners with doorbell cameras should have a sign telling visitors they’re being recorded. That way, package thieves can go back to their car and grab a hoodie.

Disney is being sued for putting the phrase “Trust Your Journey” on Frozen 2 merchandise, because a breast cancer support organization trademarked it. Disney lawyers so far have failed to prove that Olaf the Snowman has cancer.

The FDA is investigating 3 separate E. coli outbreaks. Even though they’re reportedly caused by bags of salad, inspectors are starting at Chipotle since doing so has saved them a lot of time in the past.

The NFL’s New York Giants waived cornerback Janoris Jenkins after he called someone a “retard” on Twitter. Jenkins and all other professional athletes have learned their lesson and will never call opponents or fans an awful name like that again.

Scientists and addiction experts are advocating replacing the term ‘alcoholic’ with ‘alcohol use disorder’.  They also say a private gathering of people with alcohol use disorder can still be called an AA Meeting, while public ones can still be called ‘happy hour’.

 

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A truck scattering salt on a path at a Chicago park slid backward into Lake Michigan, which will now be named the Not-So-Great Salt Lake.

“Disney Plus” was Google’s top trending search term in 2019. Second place was a ten-thousand-way tie between “[Name of Celebrity] Naked”.

University of Phoenix agreed to cancel $141 million in student debt over deceptive advertising. “That’s great!” said Summa Cum Laude fast-food drive-thru workers.

May 21, 2021 is being dubbed “Keanu Reeves Day”, with both ‘Matrix 4’ and ‘John Wick:Chapter 4’ debuting in theatres.  May 18, 2021 is being called ‘Rob Schneider Day’ with ‘Deuce Bigalow 3’ debuting on home video in Eastern Europe.

Dan Spilo, a ‘castaway’/contestant on CBS’ ‘Survivor’, was removed from the show in Fiji for alleged off-camera incidents of “inappropriate touching”. Spilo would not comment, nor would the monkeys who lodged the complaint.

President Trump called Time Magazine’s naming of climate activist Greta Thunberg ‘Person of the Year’ “ridiculous”, saying she should “chill”. Four White House aides then fought over who should get credit for coming up with that pun.

A hacker accessed a Ring security camera that a family placed in their 8-year-old’s bedroom and harassed her via the camera’s speaker. The family was horrified, but admit the hacker did get her to clean her room.

A Lenexa, Kansas woman used christmas lights to create a giant illuminated penis on her home’s roof, before neighbors asked her to shut it off. She complied, but may turn it back on Christmas Eve, at the request of Gay Santa.

Google Assistant launched Interpreter Mode, where two users can chat on Google even if they speak different languages. It’s considered a major breakthrough for International Sexting.

A Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles office made a 78-year-old woman walk without a cane before renewing her license, causing her to fall and break her wrist. Then they wouldn’t renew her license because she couldn’t sign her name.

 

 

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A new study claims listening to classical music during operations improves surgeons speed and accuracy by 11 percent. A different study claims surgeons listening to gangster rap during operations might just be people stabbing you. [story h/t to AJFS]

Savannah Guthrie was absent from NBC’s Today Show as she underwent surgery to repair her retina, torn when her child struck it with a toy truck. Keep an eye out for her return!

Disney+ announced the first cast members for their ‘Home Alone’ reboot. The plot departs from the original, with parents deliberately leaving their kid home alone while they go on vacation, but it’s okay because he has Disney+.

The New York Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a nine-year, $324 million contract. This, after the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg to a seven-year, $245 million deal. Meanwhile, over a dozen ten-year-olds underwent elbow surgery after their dads saw those numbers and pushed them too far.

Bougainville, a collection of islands in the South Pacific, voted for independence from Papua New Guinea to become the world’s newest country. This is a second chance for the Bougainville bobsledders who just missed making the Papua New Guinea olympic team.

Climate activist Greta Thunberg is Time Magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year – edging out stiff competition from the creators of the “I’mma tell my kids this is” and “I don’t know who needs to hear this” memes.

Fuller House star Bob Saget said he will “always love” embattled co-star Lori Loughlin, and won’t “cut people out.” “Did somebody say ‘cut it out’?” said far less popular co-star Dave Coulier.

A team of professional scientists working for Major League Baseball claim the increase in 2019 home runs was due to lower seams on baseballs, and changes in players’ swing patterns. A different team of drunken bleacher scientists claimed it was because pitchers sucked.

Doctors are more frequently diagnosing Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, HSDD, a reduced sex drive and associated distress affecting one in ten women. Treatments include FDA-approved drug, Addyi, as well as husbands showering and doing the dishes.

Former ESPN reporter Britt McHenry, a contributor to Fox News streaming service Fox Nation, is suing her employer for sexual harassment. Fox responded that all blonde female employees are sexually harassed as part of new-hire orientation.

A Los Angeles court issued an injunction against Netflix, barring the streaming service from poaching employees under contract to Fox Networks. Lawyers for Netflix challenged the ruling, wondering how else they’re going to get more white people to sign up.

 

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Congressional Democrats are set to introduce the first two Articles of Impeachment against President Trump: abuse of power; and obstruction of Congress. Others are expected,  including:  spelling & grammar; potty mouth; and cheating at golf.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary named “they” the 2019 Word of the Year, edging out “he-she”.

A Philadelphia suburb is moving toward requiring homeowners to put house numbers on the back of houses. The purpose is to make the homes easier to identify for first responders, burglars, and really confused mail carriers.

Website Malwarebytes issued an editorial urging consumers not to buy and install video doorbells. They say the doorbell makers are providing too much video content to police and 3rd parties, and are vulnerable to hacks. Malwarebytes is owned by Jehovah’s Witnesses.

NASA stress-tested the fuel tank of its new Space Launch System rocket by seeing what it would take to blow a hole in it. Surprisingly, all it took was filling it with Mountain Dew.

A former Harvard geneticist wants to create a dating app based on people’s DNA. It’s the first dating app where users swap spit by mail.

An analysis by consumer research group ‘Simple. Thrifty. Living.’ finds Hawaii is the most expensive state to operate a Christmas light display. It costs an average of $46.62 in electric bills, and another $600 for the flight to get there.

A fifth grade social studies teacher in Missouri is suspended after giving students an in-class worksheet asking them to set a “price for a slave” as they learned about colonial America. Worse, she failed students who set the price too low without the inventory to back it up.

A team of Chinese researchers generated the first piglets created by combining stem cells from monkeys with fertilized pig embryos. The animals, known as pig-monkey chimeras, were called “delicious”.

Vanna White hosted ‘Wheel of Fortune’ while Pat Sajak recovers from emergency surgery. Letter-turning was handled by Minnie Mouse, who was told by producers to wear shorter, tighter dresses.

 

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As her hit song ‘Juice’ played in the arena during a Los Angeles Lakers game, singer Lizzo lifted her dress to show her thong and buttocks. Some players and fans enjoyed it, others considered it technically foul.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis advocates closing a legal loophole that allowed a Saudi national in training at a U.S. naval base to own the gun he used on a killing spree. Desantis clarified that he’s still okay with good ol’ U.S.-born lunatics shooting up public places.

President Trump tweeted Democrats have no “smocking gun” in the impeachment inquiry, leading to criticism of his misspellng on Twitter. Republicans rushed to his defense, complimenting him on the correct spelling of “gun”.

Finland’s Sanna Marin, age 34, is set to become the world’s youngest prime minister. She’s so far from her prime that they’re changing the title to Millennial Minister.

South Africa’s Zozbini Tunzi was crowned Miss Universe 2019. The only thing with more Zs than her name was the audience sleeping through the interview portion of the pageant.

Walmart Canada faces criticism for selling ugly Christmas sweaters depicting Santa, among other things, doing cocaine; getting anally probled by an alien, and warming his testicles by a fire. The sweaters are available in the stores’ Formal Wear Department.

China’s national government plans to remove foreign hardware and software from its state department. So far they’ve spent two weeks trying to find hardware that isn’t made in China.

Travel & Leisure magazine named its Top 50 vacation destinations for 2020. Number one on the list is Addis Ababa, Ethiopia – but they say to bring plenty of your own snacks.

Kentucky police seized a parcel shipped to a Louisville man’s home – an air fryer that contained 20 pounds of meth. The man was arrested and is now being treated for  addiction to french fries he made.

Family court judge Dawn Gentry of Kenton County, Kentucky, is accused of having sexual threesomes in her court chambers, as well as pressuring lawyers for sexual favors. It was so bad, instead of Your Honor, they called her You’re In Her.

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Apple is rumored to be dropping the charging port from future iPhones. Users worry that dropping anything involving an iPhone will break the screen.

The wife of Papa John’s pizza founder John Schnatter filed for divorce. They will each receive four slices.

Actor Chris Pratt apologized after Aquaman star Jason Momoa criticized him for drinking from a single-use plastic water bottle. Pratt said from now on when he drinks from one on location, he’ll piss in the empty bottle to reuse it.

The FBI warns hackers use digital assistants like Google Assistant or Amazon Alexa to access your router and steal data. They advise “microsegmenting” your home network to secure it, so go ahead and call Xfinity customer service and wait a half hour to see if they’ve heard of it.

Inc Magazine listed tips on How To Be The Most Interesting Person At Your Office Holiday Party. They include smiling, making eye contact and listening — all of which become easier if you get really wasted.

Bill Nye The Science Guy is suing Disney for $28 million, claiming he’s owed profits from his 1990s television show, and that Disney showed age bias by refusing his requests to audition for The New Mickey Mouse Club.

The 9-3 Buffalo Bills are officially selling playoff tickets, although they’re really selling parkas and boots with the tickets stuffed in them.

Disney theme parks new Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance ride is a half-hour long. Park workers get extensive training teaching 6-year-olds to use The Force to ‘hold it’ until the ride’s over.

Customers in the U.K. who ordered Nintendo Switch game consoles on Amazon claim they were mistakenly shipped condoms, tambourines and electric toothbrushes. They’ll each get the Switch they ordered, along with free copies of Mario’s Horniest Party Ever.

Serena Williams wants to have another child, and is trying to get her eggs to accept sperm instead of hitting them back.

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Congressional Democrats announced their plan to proceed with Articles of Impeachment. Republicans announced their plan to try to get Trump to read them by drafting a Pop-Up Book of Impeachment.

Hillary Clinton appeared on The Howard Stern Show and denied ever having a lesbian affair or attraction to women – despite the disappointing effect it had on 30-year-old Bill Clinton.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is stepping down. United will hold a press conference to introduce the new CEO, and for Munoz to be ceremonially dragged out of his office by flight attendants.

Walmart.com will sell the KFC Fried Chicken-scented firelog “while supplies last” – which should be a while as folks in Mississippi learn how to order stuff on the internet.

Medical journal The Lancet reports millennials with high cholesterol are at greater risk of heart attack, stroke, and getting punched out in line at Popeye’s.

New pro football league XFL debuted the uniforms and logos its teams will wear when the league kicks off in February, 2020, and which will appear on t-shirts worn by children in third-world countries later in the year.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he will not fire head coach Jason Garrett mid-season – unless the season you’re talking about is “spring”.

Website 24/7 Wall Street compiled the 40 Worst U.S. Cities to Drive In based on fatalities and traffic congestion. Nine of the top ten are in California, the other top-ten city is Seattle, and nobody at 24/7 Wall Street has ever visited New Jersey.

Sergei Brin and Larry Page, founders of Google and its parent company Alphabet, are turning over all management responsibilities to CEO Sundar Pichai. They say they’ll meet periodically with Pichai behind closed doors, piles of money, and an army of supermodels.

The Masked Singer revealed the identity of its latest eliminated contestant, former Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams. Williams thanked the show for helping her regain confidence and to help pay Bills, Bills, Bills.