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A massive new Giant grocery store opened on North Broad Street in Philadelphia. It’s the first grocery store in the nation with an aisle dedicated to bullets.

Ghislaine Maxwell was sentenced to 20 years in prison for sex trafficking. She’ll be sent to a federal prison now known as The Big Maxwell House.

Bed Bath & Beyond said CEO Mark Tritton left the company amidst disappointing sales. Even worse, the Board of Directors redeemed several 20% off coupons to reduce his severance pay.

Amazon will limit the sales of Plan B contraceptive pills to control inventory as states enact anti-abortion laws. However, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet will place no limit on its Plan O pills, but won’t guarantee their efficacy.

Andrew Giuliani, son of Rudy, lost in the New York State Republican Gubernatorial Primary election. His concession speech was delayed because he had a tough time finding a greenhouse open at 11pm.

A visitor at Yellowstone National Park saved a small child from being gored by a charging bison, but was tossed in the air by the animal. He’s expected to recover, and receive a million-dollar signing bonus to join the Spanish Bullfighting League.

Tesla laid off 200 workers on the vehicle autopilot team – all of whom showed themselves out.

OutKast’s Big Boi divorced his wife of 20 years, citing o why o why o,… why o why o why o? Are we so in denial when we know we’re not happy here?

Nissan recalled over 300,000 Pathfinder SUVs over potential hood latch failures, followed by potential “f**k!!!” failures from drivers at high-speeds who can’t see past the hood.

A truck carrying over 200 beehives overturned on a Utah highway, destroying 95% of them. Police are searching for the queen of rival hives who may have stung holes in the brake lines.

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Ryan Resch, 29, a basketball operations exec with the NBA Phoenix Suns, came out as gay. He looks forward to meeting your Phoenix sons.

Rapper Ludacris’ manager and two others were shot in Georgia. The rapper said he’s trying to find the word to describe how crazy it is.

The January 6th Commission scheduled a last-minute session this afternoon, citing new evidence and witness testimony, and that one of them won a free catered lunch from Chick-fil-A that expires on June 30th.

Accounting firm Ernst & Young was fined $100 million after disclosing that its auditors cheated on the ethics portion of the CPA Exam. The Trump Organization called a press conference to announce the hiring of Ernst & Young.

Bed Bath & Beyond is accused of shutting off air conditioning in its stores to save money. Their CEO doesn’t see the big deal, since there are towels, like, everywhere.

Inventor Hashem Alghaili showed off his Sky Cruise concept, a pilotless flying hotel powered by 10 nuclear jet engines that never lands and can accommodate 5,000 guests. He said the biggest problem will be how to eject people at 30,000 feet who don’t pay their bill.

Child psychiatrists are advising mothers not to say “I’ve been so good today” about not eating junk food in front of their daughters, since it could make them feel food or weight-shamed. They also advise not saying “I’ve been so faithful today” when the hot UPS guy drops off a package.

A Norwegian Cruise Line ship struck an iceberg in Alaska and returned to port to repair the damage, and to drop off the cheapskate passengers who already drowned in Steerage.

A 101-year-old former Nazi prison guard was found guilty of accessory-to-murder charges for prisoner deaths in World War II. He’s expected to be sentenced to death, or 30 days, whichever comes sooner.

Influencers were sickened after eating meal kit maker Daily Harvest’s French Lentil + Leek Crumbles entree, with one saying “I’ve never felt pain like that.” Their friend, who didn’t eat it, but looked at it, added “I’ve never felt nausea like that”.

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Married math & science teachers are both accused of inappropriate sexual contact with an underage high school student. They did, however, pique his interest in STEM education.

A Colorado Avalanche fan was banned for the season after scattering a small amount of his deceased friends ashes on the ice. Avalanche officials said the only foreign objects allowed on the ice are pucks, blood, teeth, and, of course, hats if someone scores three goals.

Viral video shows a British Columbia woman rescuing her pet goose from an eagle attack, while breastfeeding her infant child. She rebuffed advances from the eagle, who said that he was still hungry also.

An alligator dragged and killed a person in a pond near the Myrtle Beach, SC Golf & Yacht Club. Officials say the alligator was euthanized, and earlier this year had been kicked out of the club.

A Burger King employee went viral for showing off the measly gifts – including a movie ticket, mug & Life Savers – given to him for his 27-year anniversary spitting in hamburgers at the same restaurant.

Disney/Pixar’s ‘Lightyear’ underperformed at the box office, with speculation that some viewers avoided it because of a gay female character. Exit polls said if people wanted to see animated lesbians, they can go to a WNBA game.

A recent airline survey named Kansas City, MO the best city for a ‘working vacation’ – defined by the survey’s authors as “a sh!tty vacation”.

A bullfighting arena in Colombia collapsed, leading to immediate regret by everyone who wore a red shirt to the bullfights.

Costco recalled a solar lighting patio umbrella because it could overheat and create a fire hazard. Customer are advised to return it, or to only use it indoors.

A South Carolina man won $100,000 using a $25-a-week spending strategy he saw on the TLC show ‘Lottery Changed My Life’. Hundreds of thousands of other viewers are out twenty-five bucks.

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A bullet struck a Comcast headquarters building in downtown Philadelphia, shattering a window. Police narrowed the suspect list to about 30 million Comcast customers.

Caesars Palace will not be hosting Adele’s residency in 2022. A spokesperson for the venue said “dude, you’re not gettin’ Adele”.

The Duffer Brothers, creators of Stranger Things, warn that Season 4 “will not have a happy ending.” This, despite Hawkins Massage parlor opening in the Upside Down.

Ugandan Mariem Nabatanzi holds the record for most children, having given birth to 44 kids by the time she turned 40. She is currently single, and also holds the record for the world’s most effective Tinder profile.

A Texas school district banned skirts & dresses for girls after fifth grade, saying it promotes professionalism. Shorts are still acceptable, so students can prepare for their professoinal careers at Hooters.

Roe v Wade was officially overturned. Planned Parenthood used the occasion to announce its new Travel department.

A University of Georgia study finds 75% of teens aren’t getting enough exercise, but they’ll give it a try after they watch enough Tik Tok videos to get the hang of it.

Actress Denise Richards joined Only Fans one week after her 18-year-old daughter Sami Sheen did. They can be found in the new Family section.

DALL-E 2, the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence, made its magazine cover debut on the front of Cosmopolitan. Boyfriends looking at it think the artificial intelligence needs bigger artificial breasts.

LA Guns guitarist Tracii Guns played his band’s entire set in Plano Texas from an air conditioned bathroom stall behind the stage, because high heat triggers his panic disorder. Critics said LA Guns live show is now in the toilet like the rest of their career.

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Amazon Alexa smart speakers will soon be able to read stories in the voice of your deceased grandmother. All you need to do is buy an Alexa-equipped speaker, pick a story, and record a short audio clip of your grandmother before you kill her.

Amazon introduced Proteus, its first fully autonomous warehouse robot. It can pick & pack inventory, tell you why unions are a bad idea, and promote better-looking coworkers instead of you.

The Supreme Court struck down a New York State law restricting concealed carry of firearms. Owners of AR-15 assault rifles look forward to concealed carry, once they find really baggy pants to wear to their school or church shooting.

Kendall Jenner and Devin Booker, NBA All-Star for the Phoenix Suns, broke up. Jenner and sister Khloe Kardashian will host a combine-style gathering of NBA players to decide who they’ll bang next.

A mentally ill woman attempted to run her mother over with a car, but missed and drove it into the front of an Old Navy store. The driver was arrested and both came up empty-handed for Fathers Day gifts.

Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis debuted to negative reviews. AMC, Regal, and other theater chains announce that next Friday, Elvis has left the building.

91-year-old media billionaire Rupert Murdoch and model/actress wife Jerry Hall, 65, are divorcing. Melania Trump express-mailed Murdoch her resume and portfolio.

The Economist Intelligence Unit released its 2022 global list of the ‘Most Liveable Cities’. Vienna, Austria topped the list, followed by Copenhagen and Zurich. For the 10th straight year, the Most Unliveable City was a tie between “Everywhere in Mississippi”.

Artistic swimmer Anita Alavarez was rescued after she passed out and sunk to the bottom of the pool following her performance at the FINA World Aquatic Championships. She’ll compete again Friday, but this time she’ll wait a half-hour after eating lunch.

A man in England returned a book to his local library 76 years overdue, which had been borrowed by his dead mother. The library waived the $4,600 in accrued fines, but denied the man’s request to renew it.

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A new study reveals when concert tickets are cheapest to purchase. Findings state they’re 33% cheaper on the day of the show, or even cheaper if it’s a Color Me Badd concert.

New safe sleep guidelines for babies were announced by the American Academy of Pediatrics, including a flat bed free of decorations, no soft objects and no co-sleeping. The findings were immediately challenged by teddy bears and babies seeking other babies for one-night stands.

A Williamsport, Pennsylvania high school principal was charged with 30 counts of sexual misconduct with a student at his school. Suspicions grew when he had the student’s name stenciled beneath his own on his office door.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is changing its name to reflect how customers refer to it. Going forward it’ll be known as Kraft Dinner for Broke-Ass Students & Toddlers.

Barack & Michelle Obama signed a deal for audio books and content with Amazon’s Audible. Donald Trump is expected to sign a similar deal with Fox’s Unintelligible.

A New York City woman used instructions in her GrubHub order to say she was being held hostage in an apartment. The food was delivered by cops, who arrested her captor. The woman was relieved to be saved, but upset that the order was wrong.

Uber & Lyft drivers filed a lawsuit accusing the rideshare companies of price fixing. Uber & Lyft intend to mount a vigorous defense, and also tell drivers if they don’t like the money, they can go get real jobs.

Traces of polio virus were found in London’s sewage system. Health officials quickly declared it one of the 20 worst things in Londoners digestive tracts.

The Food & Drug Administration is set to ban Juul e*cigarettes in the U.S. Dirtbag parents planning to give them as 18th Birthday presents are scrambling to find the money to buy an AR-15 instead.

Kate Bush continues to marvel at Netflix’s Stranger Things boosting sales of her 1985 hit Running Up That Hill. Now 63, she plans to record a follow-up single, Asking For A Ride Up That Hill.

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Firefighters are battling the huge Wharton State Forest wildfire in New Jersey. They’re trying to stop it before it gets to Jersey Shore towns and turns into a grease fire.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee is only playing several songs each night on their current tour due to suffering broken ribs. Lee broke ribs bending over to tie his shoes while sporting an erection.

Texas Republicans adopted language in their official party platform calling homosexuality an “abnormal lifestyle choice”. Texas Democrats are expected to adopt similar ‘abnormal lifestyle choice’ language in their platform regarding anyone who likes, or votes for, Ted Cruz.

Workers at Philadelphia beer distributors went on strike. The interruption in shipments of cheap beers from Bud, Miller & Coors are expected to mess up party plans for area students graduating from kindergarten.

Freshpet recalled dog food over a possible salmonella risk. Dogs who already ate it recalled the food from their stomachs to the family room carpet.

A 660-pound stingray in Camobodia, broke the world record for largest freshwater fish ever caught. It was measured and released..then caught again and eaten.

Oreo is introducing Neapolitan Oreos – challenging kids to figure out how to eat the chocolate filling while leaving the vanilla & strawberry behind.

Elon Musk’s 18-year-old child told a court she no longer wants to be related to him, but is in no rush to be emancipated from his bank accounts.

The UK’s biggest railroad strike in 30 years has brought the territory to a standstill. It’s so bad, Thomas The Tank Engine told children to piss off and find someone else to entertain them.

Fans mocked Justin Timberlake for his ‘dad’ clothes and weak dance moves during an unannounced appearance at a Washington DC music festival. Timberlake attempted a popular area dance, ‘Beat Ya Feet’, but settled for the Macarena.

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NASA’s Mars Rover found a shiny piece of foil on a rock. It also found an extraterrestrial lying on the ground holding its stomach, then discovered the foil had ‘KFC’ printed on it.

A new study discovered that when cats chew and rub against catnip, it protects them against mosquitoes. Indoor cats still like it just to get wasted.

Vladimir Putin claimed that a cyberattack delayed his planned speech to the St. Petersburg Economic Forum. However, the tech support guy on site claimed Putin kept pressing the wrong function key for the projector.

The Stadium Tour kicked off at Atlanta’s Truist Park, featuring performances from Classless Act, Joan Jett, Poison, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, and the defibrillator used to keep Motley’s Mick Mars and Vince Neil moving.

The state of Hawai’i’ tweeted that there are currently no girls detained in the Hawai’i Youth Correctional Facility. The facility’s annual Hula Contest promises to be an interesting one.

After closing due to the ongoing pandemic, Hong Kong’s iconic Jumbo Floating Restaurant was towed away. To save money, they used octopuses repurposed from the kitchen.

WWE CEO Vince McMahon stepped down after it was revealed he paid $3 million in hush money to a female employee with whom he naked tag-teamed.

USA Today determined a reporter fabricated quotes for 23 different stories, forcing their removal from the green, purple & red sections.

20 juveniles attempted to seize control of a youth correctional facility in Louisiana, but their plan unraveled when they argued about whose Tik Tok they would post the video to.

Jackass star Johnny Knoxville filed for divorce from his wife, Naomi. He’s asking for joint custody of their two children, who will be delivered to him every other weekend by being shot out of a cannon.

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Camden, New Jersey started a summer program encouraging food trucks to operate in the city, providing opportunities for locals who have never carjacked a food truck.

Britney Spears fired her security team after her first husband Jason Alexander crashed her wedding venue without permission. They all applied for jobs with her second husband Kevin Federline, but he told them he’s out of work too.

A man impersonating Golden State Warriors forward Klay Thompson made it past security and stayed on the team’s court for ten minutes before leaving. He managed to convince everyone he was Thompson by not practicing defensive drills.

Georgia GOP Senate candidate and former NFL star Herschel Walker, who publicly criticizes black absentee fathers, admitted he has a child he never sees. Donald Trump, who endorsed Walker, said he’s glad Herschel has his own Tiffany.

‘Jackass‘ alum Bam Margera reportedly fled his court-appointed rehab because he wasn’t getting celebrity treatment as he had in other rehab stints. And by ‘celebrity treatment’ he meant ‘cocaine’.

Dog the Bounty Hunter’s daughter Lyssa Chapman married partner Leiana Evensen. Said the officiant, “I now pronounce you bitch and bitch….you may now sniff each other’s butts”.

A Montgomery County, PA man was arrested for selling THC-laced snacks like Rice Krispies treats and Oreo brownies on a playground. Police were tipped off by middle school customers angry that they had to wait in line behind their parents.

Kim Kardashian joked with Pete Davidson, telling him the video technician she’s worked with for 14 years “has probably seen my vagina” — forgetting that across all websites, her vagina has had roughly 100 million unique visitors.

The Federal Reserve raised its prime interest rate 0.75% in an effort to curb rampant inflation. The move puts a real squeeze on millennials and Gen Z, potentially increasing student loan payments they have no intention of making anyway.

Amazon announced their annual Prime Day sale will be held July 12th & 13th, with Prime member purchases arriving via free, expedited two-day shipping on July 30th & 31st.