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The White House banned staffers’ use of personal cell phones in the West Wing. President Trump believes that this is necessary to improve his odds of claiming a cash prize in HQ Trivia.

Thomas Monson, President of the Mormon Church, died at age 90. Donations to the church are requested in lieu of flowers, because that could get expensive sending them to all eight of his wives.

Subaru announced its largest vehicle, the Ascent SUV. It has 19 cup holders and seats eight — two of them on toilets.

It was revealed that a security flaw exists in almost all Intel microprocessors that makes them susceptible to attack. Experts believe that this creates the largest-ever credible alibi for how that porn got on your computer.

Hanson Fitness, a SoHo gym in NYC, will offer a nude full-body-conditioning class starting January 5th. It’s believed to be the first class of its kind, in that all participants are offered blindfolds.

The father of a girl who stabbed her classmate in an offering to the fictitious ‘Slender Man’, is angry that Sony Pictures is releasing a Slender Man movie, without so much as giving his daughter an audition.

Yahoo Sports released video of Olympic snowboarder Shaun White smashing his face on the lip of a half-pipe in New Zealand, requiring over 60 stitches. They’re now calling him The Flying Tomato…Sauce.

Taco Bell is adding seasoned Nacho Fries to their menu in January, and will train counter staff to ask customers if they want fries with their ulcers.

Macy’s is closing more stores and announced 5,000 layoffs. So before you ask if that register is open, the answer is no.

Donald Trump’s personal lawyers sent a cease & desist letter to the publisher of Michael Wolff’s new book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House . The letter claims that the book contains false & baseless claims, and fewer pop-ups than the author promised.

 

 

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Southwest Airlines bumped a family of four from their flight to Disneyland after receiving complaints from other passengers that the children had lice. The claims turned out to be false, but Southwest managed to retain its reputation for lousy service.

President Trump responded to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s claims of having a functioning ‘nuclear button’ on his desk, by tweeting that he has a bigger button, and that his button works. Anonymous insiders, however, dispute this, saying Chief of Staff John Kelly replaced the Nuclear Football with a vintage Playskool Busy Box painted black.

The Oakland Raiders are under fire for allegedly skirting the Rooney Rule – bypassing minority candidates in advance of hiring Jon Gruden as their new head coach. The Raiders denied this, bringing in NFL legend O.J. Simpson for an interview as proof.

Archaeologists found an ancient cave in China containing 45,000-year-old tools, as well as a carved note from one caveman to another asking when he planned on returning the sharp rock he borrowed.

Roku is launching its own voice assistant to compete with Siri and Alexa. Although at this point it’s only capable of answering “How the f*** do I switch HDMI inputs?”

The Trump Administration is easing fines and penalties that can be brought against negligent nursing homes – great news for the White House nurse who’s been swapping breath mints for dementia meds.

Coachella announced its official 2018 lineup – the festival will be headlined by Beyonce, Eminem, the Weekend, and drugs.

2018 marks the beginning of legal recreational marijuana sales in California, evidenced by the number of visitors to Disneyland asking Goofy ‘you holdin?’

McDonald’s debuts its new Dollar Menu on Thursday. It’s called the 1-2-3, with items priced at one, two and three dollars. Taco Bell is sticking with its current dollar menu, which customers know as the 9-1-1.

A 31-year-old Virginia woman reported missing by her fiancee was found dead inside of her home, in what local police are calling “suspicious, but, like, the easiest search we’ve ever done.”

 

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Nepal banned double amputees and blind climbers from scaling Mount Everest as part of new safety regulations. Officials hope to curb a wave of accidents from blind climbers tripping over the frozen corpses of double amputees and falling to their deaths.

The sidewalk outside of Apple’s new retail location in Chicago is roped off because dangerous icicles are dropping from the roof. Apple apologized for the hazard and for slowing down attempts to get its new lower-priced replacement batteries for iPhones.

President Trump invited members of the Coast Guard to golf with him during his Christmas break at Mar-A-Lago. The President thanked them for their service retrieving two dozen balls from the water hazard on a par-3.

Serena Williams returned to tennis for the first time since giving birth to her daughter Alexis, losing in an exhibition to Jelena Ostapenko in Abu Dhabi. Williams won a set, but struggled with her serve, which she attributed to a hindered motion caused by her breast pump.

Michael Neu, a 67-year-old man in Slidell, Louisiana, was arrested and charged with 269 counts of fraud for running a ‘Nigerian Prince’ email scam. Neu also cancelled his visit to  an upcoming Nigerian State Dinner at the White House to deliver Mr. Trump’s inheritance.

Iran blocked Instagram, angering Iranian housewives eager to share their pictures and recipes for fesenjan and explosives.

A Delta Airlines flight from Detroit to Atlanta returned to Detroit after the captain discovered a small bird in the cockpit. The captain said he diverted the flight to avoid a distraction, and because the bird was holding more than 3 ounces of vodka in its flask.

NBC announced that Hoda Kotb is officially replacing Matt Lauer as co-host of the Today show. Lauer sent a message of support, along with the traditional congratulatory dildo.

The Miss America organization named past winner & former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson as its new Chairperson. Carlson reportedly wowed the Board of Directors with both her plans for the pageant and a killer baton-twirling exhibition.

The City of Chicago closed out 2017 with a total of 650 murders, a 15% decline from 2016. City officials cited improved policing, and city residents downloading the ‘My Murder Prevention Pal’ app.

 

 

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In the wake of the Las Vegas shooting, Hilton and Disney hotels changed their Do Not Disturb policies, saying that employees will enter every guest room at least once a day. They’ll also add a $10/item fee for bellhop assistance taking guns to rooms.

The City of Philadelphia is considering cancelling their annual New Year’s Day Mummers Parade due to extreme cold, and to give the Mummers time to recover from frostbite and hangovers they get from attending the Eagles home game the day before.

France is considering expanding the Champagne region borders, and with it, the designation of wineries that can officially call their sparking wine “Champagne”. This will be a welcome economic boost to the Champagne border towns of Ventelay and Ice d’Smirnoff.

Combined box office revenues for Star Wars ‘The Last Jedi’; ‘The Force Awakens’; and ‘Rogue One’ have surpassed the $4 Billion price tag that Disney studios paid to acquire Lucasfilm. In less encouraging news, Disney CEO Bob Iger said they’ve not yet seen similar returns on the $75 it paid to acquire the Ernest universe from the estate of Jim Varney.

President Trump tweeted about poll results giving him a 47% approval rating – the same as Obama’s first presidential year – which aired on Fox And Friends. The Rasmussen poll surveyed 1,000 households, one on Pennsylvania Avenue, and 999 in Trump Tower and Russia.

President Trump also said that Amazon is underpaying the U.S. Postal Service, making the Post Office “dumber and poorer”. Amazon fired back, showing the Christmas card Trump left for his mailman with no tip in it.

Cleaning crews at three high-end hotels in China were caught on hidden camera using toilet brushes to clean the drinking glasses in guest rooms. Each hotel has been fined, despite receiving positive TripAdvisor feedback from cats and dogs reviewing their stays.

Work crews took down the lettering at the Trump SoHo Hotel in New York City as part of a name change. Owners are hoping that occupancy improves under its new name, The Barack.

A Houston man was arrested in the murder of his girlfriend, who police say was nearly decapitated with a samurai sword. “Nearly? Focus!” said the man’s samurai master.

Apple responded to being outed over its practice of slowing down older iPhone performance by cutting replacement battery prices from $79 to $29….plus a $49 tip for the douchebag at the Genius Bar.

Meghan Markle gives advice to women via quotes that appear in the new book ‘Game Changers: Success Secrets From 40 Women At The Top’. Among them “don’t give it five minutes if you can’t give it five years.” Women reading the quote paused, then continued masturbating.

 

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Royal Caribbean cruise lines is raising its daily gratuity fee to $14.50 per passenger, per day, the third straight year it’s hiked the fee. Royal Caribbean cites increased costs of personnel and cat litter to throw on piles of puke.

Kia and Hyundai are adding Alexa-like assistant functionality to their cars starting in 2019. The automakers are taking two years to research Korean names that Americans won’t butcher each time they try saying them.

Elon Musk said that Tesla is working on an electric pickup truck. The news was confirmed after an image leaked of a decal on the Tesla truck prototype showing Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

The U.S. State Department is updating its travel warnings to a four-color-coded system for citizens planning travel to foreign countries. The safest countries will be blue, followed by yellow, orange, and Red for countries like North Korea or, if you’re the President, Puerto Rico.

According to data from Flurry Analytics, Apple devices accounted for 44% of new global tablet and smartphone activations over the holiday, and 95% of the new cracked screens.

Daryl Tait, a wheelchair-bound resident of Canada’s Yukon Territory, is behind a movement to add ocean surfing to the Summer Paralympic games. “Great idea” said sharks.

The World Health Organization is considering classifying video “gaming disorder” as a disease. A draft from the WHO characterizes it as “recurrent” gaming behavior with “impaired control over gaming”.  The disorder could include behavioral abnormalities as well as loss of multiple lives.

Recent east coast storms have covered Erie, Pennsylvania in 64 inches of snow – the height of an average adult female, and ten times as frigid.

International Falls, Minnesota set a new record of -36 degrees Fahrenheit on Wednesday morning. Local officials advised residents to stay indoors, to halve their odds of freezing to death.

  • The old record was -32 degrees set in 1924, which started a local tradition in International Falls, Minnesota – that being, getting the hell out of International Falls, Minnesota.

Sisters Ivanka and Tiffany Trump posed together in bikinis in a short Christmas video posted to Tiffany’s social media accounts. “Wow. Hot! Hope you share MORE (winking emoji)” posted anonymous commenter “realdjt45”.

 

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Health experts warn that this season’s flu shot may only be 10% effective preventing the most common strain of flu; experts also warn that this doesn’t mean you should get ten of them.

More pregnant women are using marijuana, according to medical journal JAMA, and according to the child’s father’s claims that baby’s first word is ‘dude’.

A North Korean soldier who defected to South Korea was found to have Anthrax antibodies in his system, found in his stomach as part of the North Korean cereal he ate for breakfast.

A Pennsylvania woman received a $284 billion electric bill, and still wasn’t warm enough.

President Trump tweeted that Republicans and Democrats will work together on a terrific new health care program – presumably, for each other.

Amazon revealed that its top-selling item this holiday season was the Echo Dot. “Can’t you lazy f***ers look up your own sh*t?” said an exhausted Alexa.

A Utah man clad in body armor, carrying a battle ax and threatening to detonate explosives was arrested by police and taken to a local hospital. His trusty steed was corralled and awaits the next battle.

The giant aquarium cracked at the Vietopia Vietnamese restaurant in Houston, Texas, flooding the dining room and adding several seafood entrees to the ‘specials’ menu.

Four fetuses allegedly found preserved alongside human brain tissue were discovered by federal authorities in a Detroit warehouse in 2013. The warehouse reportedly belonged to a ‘body broker’ – a seller of body parts to researchers — or to a day care center that’s bad even by Detroit standards.

A 29-year-old Dallas woman who works as a court reporter faces felony charges for causing $300,000 in damages to artwork owned by prominent Houston lawyer Anthony Buzbee — although appraisers from outside of Texas aren’t sure the paintings of dogs wearing cowboy hats are worth over $300,000.

Lindsay Lohan, who now lives in London and Dubai, owes the U.S. Government over $100,000 in back taxes. Lohan said that Alan Thicke died before telling her how she could settle her debt for pennies on the dollar.

 

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A Brooklyn, NY woman started a business called ‘Happy Dead Rats’ where she offers to kill 3 rats for $15 cash, or 5 rats for $25.  No word on how well the business is doing, but NYC Police arrested a rat for offering $15 to have his wife and two girlfriends killed.

Holiday sales rose 4.9% in 2017, as indicated by a surge in $26.22 gift cards instead of the usual $25.

President Trump and his family spent the Christmas holiday at Mar-A-Lago, where every Christmas – and practically every member – is a white one.

Apple stock dropped 4% on Tuesday as investment analysts feared that the excitement may be over for iPhone X, as sales slow and the phone’s Face ID captures a lot of boredom and sadness.

In a CNN interview touting her new partnership with QVC, Martha Stewart said that “work/life balance didn’t work for me”, adding that she’s now more comfortable with work/rage balance.

The NFL will not have a Sunday Night Football game on New Year’s Eve, allowing gambling addicts to get a 4-hour headstart on their sure-to-fail New Year’s Resolution.

Movie theater chains are advising patrons that a pivotal scene in ‘The Last Jedi’ where the audio goes completely silent is intentional. Most moviegoers were unfazed since they could still hear plenty of texting and women explaining the plot to their husbands.

Two 70-plus men living in Hawaii, who have been friends for over 60 years, found out that they’re actually brothers. They hugged and updated their phones with a recurring play date.

A Florida man was arrested for attacking a Wells Fargo ATM, causing $5,000 in damages, for giving him too much money. Wells Fargo explained that the ATM gave him the money he requested, plus the balances from 6 phony accounts they’d opened in his name.

Jennifer Lawrence paid a Christmas Eve visit to a children’s hospital in her hometown of Louisville, Kentucky, taking time out of her busy schedule to bitch at sick children over how her privacy is always being violated.

 

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An elderly couple with 60 lbs of marijuana told arresting officers that the weed was for Xmas gifts. “Better let Santa take care of it, then!”, said a white-bearded obese cop before the evidence vanished.

The original Papa John, John Schnatter, is out as company CEO. He’ll be replaced by the COO, who promises to do just as good a job kissing Peyton Manning’s ass.

Darryl Strawberry said that he had sex during Mets games. Usually after both he and Lenny Dykstra had struck out.

A hotel charged guests $350 after they left bad online reviews, so the Indiana state Attorney General is suing on their behalf. Motel 6, we’ll leave the grudge on for you.

Mark Hamill, displeased with his character’s storyline in The Last Jedi, said of it “He’s not my Luke Skywalker”. Replied Disney CEO Robert Iger “He sure isn’t!” before placing a Storm Trooper helmet on his naked body and rolling around in his multi-million dollar Xmas bonus.

The United Nations imposed new sanctions on North Korea for their repeated tests of nuclear missiles. The rules include cutbacks on refined oil imports and reduced imports of other goods. The U.N. rejected U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley’s suggestion of “no Playstation for a week”, while noting her comment that it always gets her kids’ attention.

Apple admitted to slowing down the performance of older iPhones to match degradation in battery life. Apple is being sued by several groups, including a group of iPhone 5 owners who say the Pokemon just expose themselves and give them the finger, knowing they’ll never be caught.

A winter storm is expected to move eastward and snarl land and air traffic on Christmas Eve; creating a lot of anxiety in the wake of Rudolph’s suspension for inappropriate contact with Clarice.

U.S. Border Patrol agents are furious after finding out that they unwittingly provided security for the wedding of a convicted U.S. citizen drug smuggler to his Mexican bride. Agents became suspicious when she was ‘given away’ by El Chapo, and when guests showered the newlyweds in crystal meth.

Vice President Mike Pence made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. He called his wife back home, and she reportedly expressed concern that the women there were showing a lot of eyehole.

 

 

 

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Retailers are battling slumping sales by offering their own subscription services. Gap, Old Navy and even Fruit of the Loom will send you clothes for a fixed monthly fee – though single male Fruit of the Loom subscribers are confused as to why they’d need new underwear more than once every couple of years.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she’s pregnant. She’s already fired two ultrasound technicians who didn’t know how to Snapchat sonograms.

  • Next week on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Khloe’s fetus fights with Kourtney over where to spend Christmas vacation.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Idaho passed Illinois as the 5th most-populous state, thanks to Idaho’s booming tech scene and Chicago’s booming murder scene.

Apple confirms that a software feature released last year slows older iPhones to offset issues with the phones’ aging batteries. In a statement Apple said their goal is to deliver the best experience for owners of iPhones – purchased within the last month.

Chipotle shares dropped 5% following reports of sick customers and employees at an L.A. location. Coincidentally, those persons’ weight dropped 5%.

Facebook announced that it’s changing the way it identifies ‘Fake News’ in users’ feeds. They are replacing the ‘Disputed Flag’ with a Breitbart byline.

The House of Representatives introduced a measure to continue to fund the Children’s Health Insurance Program through March – it’s a GoFundMe where donors give a nickel for every 30-lb seated bicep curl Paul Ryan does.

Defense Secretary James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis visited Guantanamo Bay to deliver a message of Holiday good cheer to the troops, and a continuous loop of Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ to the prisoners.

Senator Al Franken delivered his final speech to the U.S. Senate, and afterward hugged male colleagues and waved to females.

The AARP issued a list of reasons it opposes the new tax reform law, as younger Americans pretended to listen to them and care what they have to say.

 

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Ivanka Trump and IBM CEO Ginni Rometty visited Norwalk Early College Academy in Connecticut, a school that awards both a high school diploma and an associate’s degree in software engineering. Trump questioned the students, asking if any knew how to completely wipe emails off of a hard drive permanently.

Wormtown Brewery in Worcester, Massachusetts is rolling out DD Roasted Brew, a stout made using Dunkin Donuts Roast Coffee Beans.  Brewers recommend each pint be consumed with six packets of Splenda and extra cream.

A 29-year-old teacher at a Christian high school is charged with rape after allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old student. Her employer, Logos Christian Academy has not commented, except to say that they’ve cancelled the couple’s appearance as Mary & Joseph in the school Nativity Play.

Authorities in Virginia said that the two pit bulls who mauled their owner – a 22-year-old woman – to death were ‘a little bit neglected’… and ‘more than a little bit hungry’.

“Whatever” was named Americans’ least-favorite word for the seventh year in a row, according to an annual survey. Said the survey’s spokesperson: “It is what it is.”

E! News announced the resignation of longtime on-air host Catt Sadler. In a blog post, Sadler said she resigned because of salary inequity with a male host, who was being paid twice as much to ask “who are you wearing?”.

President Trump will soon sign a new tax reform bill, the most sweeping change to the U.S. tax code in decades. The law will cut corporate taxes from 35% to 21% and the highest individual bracket from 39% to 37%. Perhaps most importantly, it extends the audit of all of Trump’s tax returns for as long as he’s in office.

Chloe Kohanski won Season 13 of ‘The Voice’. She wins $100,000, a recording contract with Universal Music Group, and joins such past show champions-slash-household names as ….

McDonald’s will begin selling a McVegan burger in Europe, accompanied by a massive ad campaign touting “The taste will make you Grimace.”

  • The burger will also be offered to children as part of McDonald’s Europe-only ‘Ennui Meal’.

Cardinal Bernard Law died. Cardinal Law, who hid pedophile priests in the Boston diocese for decades, will still receive a full Vatican funeral. However, he will be buried wearing swim trunks beneath his robes in an effort to stay cool where he’s going.