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Former porn star Jenna Jameson shared before-and-after photos of her butt on Instagram, part of ongoing photo documentation of her weight loss. You can tell which is the ‘before’ photo because her butt is bigger, and it has several naked men next to it.

Loyola Law School in Los Angeles is kicking off an executive education program to teach corporate executives “how not to be criminals”. So far they’ve kicked out half of the enrollees for cheating.

Joy Buckley of New York State gave birth to a daughter, Harper, weighing 15 pounds, 5 ounces. Officials are checking medical records to see if she is the largest baby in state history. Buckley claims she had struggled with infertility. She now struggles to walk.

Experts believe they’ve identified Jack the Ripper utilizing DNA obtained after it was submitted to Ancestry.com by his great-great-great-great grandniece, Denise the Ripper.

Disney completed its $71.3 billion acquisition of Fox. The deal does not include Fox News or Fox Sports properties. But, nonetheless, Mickey Mouse called a press conference to claim immigrants are ruining Disneyland.

A study in The Lancet Psychiatry claims daily use of high potency cannabis increases the odds of having a psychotic episode. Which, say devoted stoners, is kind of the whole point.

Only 5 percent of the U.S. population eats the recommended daily amount of fiber – a problem being addressed by a major fast food chain with the introduction of the Shamrock Metamucil Shake.

A Texas man whose cable tv service was acting up checked the cables beneath his house and found a nest of 45 rattlesnakes. A snake removal service took them away, after the cable company would only tell the man to unplug the snakes and plug them back in.

A 27-year-old woman whose persistent cough was dismissed as allergies during three doctor visits, returned for a fourth visit and was diagnosed with cancer. Her cut-rate health insurance then bought her a bag of Halls Mentho-Radiation-Lyptus cough drops.

Florida prosecutors offered New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft a deal, where they would drop soliciting prostitution charges if he admits guilt, does 100 hours of community service, takes an STD test, and pays $10,000 – or about 100 happy endings.

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Boston & Tel Aviv-based startup company ClimaCell is using new, crowdsourced data collection methods to improve local weather forecasts. However, they will still need the more-accurate local weather to be communicated by women with huge breasts.

A dead whale washed ashore in the Philippines with almost 100 pounds of plastic in its stomach – or, put a different way, the wetsuits of four different scuba divers it ate.

President Trump tweeted that he thinks Saturday Night Live is colluding with the Democrats and Russia after watching a rerun featuring a skit making fun of him. SNL returns with a live episode hosted by Joe Biden with musical guest Pussy Riot.

Reality TV star Mama June Shannon – mother of Honey Boo Boo – was arrested at an Alabama gas station while allegedly possessing crack cocaine. Shannon, who lost over 100 pounds after gastric sleeve surgery, was carrying a lot less crack than she used to.

A new startup called Basement is creating a social media app where your network is  limited to 20 of your closest friends, or the 20 people you’d most like to have send you their naked selfies.

Amy Schumer revealed that her husband Chris Fischer is on the autism spectrum. She made the discovery when he told her that he had to watch The Leather Special an even number of times.

Longtime Democratic Party strategist Donna Brazile joined Fox News as a contributor, where she’s expected to never be seen or heard from again.

A study in journal Frontiers in Microbiology found that the longer astronauts stay in space, the more likely viruses like chickenpox, shingles & herpes will reactivate. The reason may be increased levels of stress and red-hot unprotected space sex.

A petrochemical fire near Houston continued for a third day, covering the city in thick smoke and a putrid stench. To learn how to cope with the disgusting conditions, Houston has called in a team of people living in Newark, New Jersey.

A British politician is urging McDonald’s in the United Kingdom to end its Monopoly promotion, claiming it manipulates people into eating more fast food. Tom Watson, Deputy leader of the Labour Party, was elected with the slogan “I get how things work.”

 

 

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Today’s Google Doodle pays tribute to inventor Seiichi Miyake, who invented “tactile pavement” 52 years ago. The blocks with raised dots help the visually impaired navigate busy traffic areas, and help drunk people trip and fall in front of moving trains.

Apple introduced the new iPad Air, which is lighter than the $499 pile of cash you’ll need to pay for it.

Doctors reversed their recommendation to take daily low doses of aspirin to prevent heart attacks in older adults. The move was praised by older women who liked being able to say they still have a headache.

The U.S. government seized one million pounds of pork illegally shipped from China to a port in Newark, in an effort to prevent African swine fever, a disease known to kill pigs. Until further notice, all of New York & New Jersey is out of the pork lo mein.

A town outside of San Francisco is suing the owner of a Flintstones-inspired house, complete with dinosaur figurines from the show, calling it an “eyesore”. The home has been listed for sale for over $4 million, but isn’t getting much interest since it has no electricity or running water, and the toilets are pelican beaks.

A new study claims smoking just one cigarette a day during pregnancy doubles the risk of the baby’s sudden death, probably by house fire or by the baby choking on nicotine gum.

An 8-year-old homeless refugee boy won the New York State Scholastic Chess Championship in the Kindergarten-to-3rd grade division, then promptly hocked his trophy for a Happy Meal. 

Thomas Panek, a blind runner, finished the NYC half-marathon with the help of three guide dogs. Crowds alternately cheered Panek and died laughing at the dogs’ short shorts.

Lori Loughlin is reportedly out of the cast of ‘Fuller House’, leaving producers and writers frustrated over having to scrap a May/December same-sex wedding between Aunt Becky and Kimmy Gibler.

Jerome Kunkel, an 18-year-old unvaccinated student in Kentucky, is suing his school district for banning him from attendance during a chicken pox outbreak. Kunkel and his family are concerned the missed time will prevent his promotion to fifth grade.

 

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Lori Loughlin has been dropped by all Hallmark Channel productions following her arrest in a college admissions cheating & bribery scandal. “Ch-CHING!!” said Valerie Bertinelli’s agent.

The U.S. Senate blocked a resolution to make the entirety of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report public, but will consider a different resolution to convert the thousands of pages to Cliff Notes.

Actress and mom Keira Knightley said during her appearance on The Tonight Show that the children’s animated show ‘Paw Patrol’ is like “toddler crack”. Knightley faces a lawsuit from the makers of fortified juice box Toddler Crack.

Stanford University examined almost 100 million state & city police traffic stops from 2011 to 2017 and found black & latino drivers were more likely to be stopped and searched. Attractive women were more likely to be stopped and engaged in awkward conversation.

Butterball recalled 80,000 pounds of ground turkey after five people were sickened with salmonella, but it’s still full speed ahead for Chipotle’s new turkey gobbler burrito bowl.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will play a live show at Egypt’s legendary pyramids in Giza. The show is expected to draw a huge crowd of the group’s most loyal longtime fans – local mummies.

The Masked Singer champion, rapper T-Pain, told the crowd at the iHeartRadio Music Awards that when he first met Taylor Swift, he “headbutted” her boobs. T-Pain then signed on for Fox’s new celebrity storytelling competition, The Unmasked Pervert.

Britain’s Thomas Cook Airlines announced they’ll sell a row of three economy seats that can be converted into a bed, for somewhat-affluent creeps who want to grope other passengers or themselves while lying down.

At an employee-only event, Boeing debuted the world’s longest jumbo-jet, the 777X. Because of controversy over grounding of its 737 MAX jets, Boeing didn’t want to make a big splash with the 777 – at least not until a carrier tries flying one across an ocean.

Some U.S. airlines are discontinuing flights to Venezuela in the wake of that country’s civil turmoil.  Affected tour companies are refunding tickets to everyone who purchased a Electronic Blackout & Starvation spring break getaway.

 

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California Governor Gavin Newsom is ending death penalty executions in the state. Death row inmates in triple-occupancy cells are invited to enter an HGTV redesign contest to convert the Injection Chamber to their own room.

Delta Airlines CEO says they plan to offer free wifi on flights next year. They say they can offer it for free because it won’t work.

Rosie O’ Donnell said that she was sexually abused by her father. Presumably a long time ago.

Philadelphia Police responded to a call in the city’s Fairmount Park where they found a dead horse and, surprisingly, chose not to beat it.

Newly proposed legislation in Georgia would create a 24-hour “waiting period” for men who wish to buy porn or sex toys. If signed in to law, you’d still be able to buy used porn and sex toys from your friends.

A New Jersey teen overcame homelessness and has been accepted to 17 different colleges. He hasn’t decided which one he’ll attend, but says a lot depends on how nice it is living outside of the dorms.

A straight Texas couple who identify as a gay male couple are expecting a baby boy. The baby will either be delivered via c-section or imaginary penis.

The twin-turbocharged 900 horsepower engine on the planned 2020 Chevy Corvette is generating so much power, it’s bending the frame on test vehicles. Corvette enthusiasts reacted to the news by asking if they can get a red one.

Jack and Sharon Osbourne announced that Ozzy Osbourne – hospitalized from flu complications – is back home and resuming normal activities. They’re happy to see him mumbling at the refrigerator door and biting the heads off of household pets.

A study finds that lesbian and bisexual women are more at risk for obesity. The study looked at tens of thousands of lesbians and well, that’s about it.

 

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California is considering a new law permitting human consumption of meat from roadkill animals. The legislation is expected to save millions of dollars each year for Arby’s.

CNN plans to host a John Hickenlooper For President town hall meeting next week, only it plans to change the Town Hall to a Tiny Kitchen.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ threatens to dump up to two feet of snow on portions of Nebraska, ruining the Spring Break vacation destination of the nation’s poorest, dumbest college students.

Kentucky Democrats are fundraising to advance retired military pilot Amy McGrath as a candidate to unseat Republican Mitch McConnell. They’re reportedly about halfway to matching the amount of money McConnell has stored in his neck pouch.

Michael Avenatti states that he is no longer the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, choosing to refocus his career on stand-up comedy.

The family of an 11-year-old boy is suing Universal Studios, saying his foot and leg were crushed at the end of the E.T. Adventure ride at Universal’s Orlando theme park. Said the boy: “ouuuch”.

A Cincinnati brewery employee claims he’s fasting and only consuming beer for Lent. Del Hall, sales director for Fifty West Brewing, says he’s already lost 15 pounds, and his job for being hammered all day.

Volkswagen may bring back the iconic ‘Dune Buggy’, revealing what it calls the ID Buggy concept car. It’s electric and runs almost silent, going 0-to-running over toddlers with pails & shovels on the beach in just seconds.

In a study of gummy vitamins, ConsumerLab.com found that gummies are more likely than pills to over- or under-deliver listed ingredients. Mainly because people just eat all the red ones and toss out the other colors.

Twitter is launching a new camera feature. Soon you’ll be able to swipe left to take photos or videos that the app will inexplicably cut off so followers can’t see the whole thing.

 

 

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The woman attacked by a jaguar after climbing a safety barrier to get a selfie returned to the Arizona zoo to apologize. Her handshake with the jaguar resulted in her being hospitalized a second time.

Celebrities Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin are accused of bribing SAT test proctors and colleges to help their children get into elite schools. Lesser charges are being considered for the Gronkowski family, who are accused of bribing officials at Arizona and Arizona State with cases of Coors Light.

A woman who orally ingested her partner’s semen was rushed to the hospital in anaphylactic shock because she was allergic to traces of an antibiotic in it. She is expected to fully recover and respond to multiple date requests from doctors.

Responding to the fatal crashes of two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets, President Trump tweeted that planes are becoming too complex, he didn’t want Albert Einstein to be his pilot. He then ordered Air Force One to be outfitted with three additional pairs of wings.

USA Today published an explanatory article about how Boeing’s 737 MAX 8 safety system – Maneuvering Characteristics Augmentation – works, leading aeronautics experts to question how good it can be if USA Today can explain it.

A Bronx couple looking at their child’s baby monitor were shocked to see a burglar standing next to the crib. The father rushed to the room, but the intruder had already escaped with all of the candy.

A new study in the medical journal JAMA concludes there is no association between what people eat and their risk of dementia. Some doctors are questioning the study, pointedly wondering why anyone would eat Grape Nuts unless they were losing their mind.

Facebook filed a lawsuit against two Ukrainian hackers, alleging they used Facebook quizzes to steal personal data.  The quizzes said which ‘Friends’ character they were based on birthdate and social security number. Everyone who gave both of them were told “Joey”.

A controversial study from the University of Minnesota claims blacks & hispanics are most harmed by inhaling pollutants created by whites. The study is called ‘The Racial Dutch Oven’.

UFC star Conor McGregor faces felony charges for slapping a cell phone out of a fan’s hand as they tried to take a picture, then stomping the phone and leaving. UFC President Dana White reportedly offered the phone $3 million for a rematch.

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Guinness Book of World Records recognized Kane Tanaka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the World’s Oldest Living Person. Asked what part of her life she enjoyed most, Tanaka replied “This right now” adding, “the 1930s”.

China is reportedly banning minors appearing in livestream Internet videos. This, despite the surging popularity of “unboxing” videos featuring Chinese children opening their employment offers from Apple.

The son of a Missouri City, Texas donut shop owner tweeted a photo of his father along with “My dad is sad because no one is coming to his new donut shop.” His message was retweeted 202,000 times – 201,000 of those were from the Missouri City Police Dept.

Justin Bieber asked for fans prayers after revealing on social media that he’s been “struggling a lot”. Bieber’s most loyal fans then dropped what they were doing and asked God to get him a divorce.

Actress Brie Larson dressed up in a Captain Marvel sweatsuit to greet fans at an AMC movie theater in Clifton, New Jersey. She even sold sodas and popcorn, but disappointed dozens of New Jersey women who just wanted to buy the sweatsuit.

President Trump denied calling Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple”, despite video confirming it.  Trump then announced he will enlist the Space Force to thwart the restarted nuclear efforts of Kim Korea, which he believes is being secretly funded by billionaire tech founder Sergei Google.

Boeing stock fell sharply following the second fatal crash involving a less-than-a-year-old 737 MAX jetliner flown by Ethiopia Airlines. Also falling sharply – 737 MAX jetliners.

Tesla announced improvements to their supercharging stations, saying they’ll be able to charge vehicles in a fraction of the time. The news was welcomed by Tesla owners, saying it frees up time for them to brag about their cars and sleep behind the wheel on autopilot.

A Birmingham City soccer fan ran onto the playing field and sucker-punched an opposing player from Aston Villa during the match. Officials with Birmingham City said they’ll be making modifications to future “Meet The Players Night”.

Toyota filed a patent application for a “vehicle fragrance dispenser system”, which would dispense tear gas if the car was stolen, or dispense it only to passengers if they break their promise to hold it in on the ride home from dinner.

 

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NBA star Steph Curry’s new Under Armour basketball shoe, the Curry 6, was co-designed by 9-year-old Riley Morrison, who had questioned why past versions didn’t come in women’s sizes. Curry’s will be the first lavender shoe in NBA games with light-up heels.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort was sentenced to 47 months in prison, a punishment approximate to the 48 months U.S. citizens were given in November, 2016.

A German man was sentenced to life in prison for attempted murder by poisoning his coworkers’ sandwiches. Defense attorneys unsuccessfully argued the coworkers were killing themselves anyway, since they were eating liverwurst.

UrbanSitter published rates to hire babysitters in 28 U.S. locations. The highest hourly rate was in San Francisco, which averaged nearly $20/hour, to a low of $0 in Mobile, Alabama & Hattiesburg, Mississippi – where respondents asked “why would I pay the dog?”

SpaceX’s Crew Dragon safely returned home from its supply delivery mission to the International Space Station, with pilot dummy ‘Ripley’ intact. Ripley will now be kept under observation for a week to see what pops out of its stomach.

Buffalo Bills GM Brandon Beane issued a public statement refuting reports that the Bills would acquire Steelers WR Antonio Brown, saying he’d prefer to groom malcontents instead of getting one off-the-shelf.

Disney shareholders narrowly approved a $35 million pay package for CEO Bob Iger. A dissenting voter at the annual meeting was quoted saying “Gawrsh! Guh-hoot, guh-hoot, when’s he gawrna start payin US more? Guh-hoot..”

President Trump will visit the site of Alabama tornadoes, which claimed the lives of 23 people. He’s expected to be joined by members of the National Weather Service & Army Corps of Engineers, assigned to monitor winds and keep his hair in place.

Philadelphia banned cashless businesses. Lawmakers argued that a quarter of city residents live in poverty and don’t have credit cards — meaning they probably don’t have cash, either, but, hey, let’s fix the symptom instead of the disease.

A new report claims the FDA is allowing manufacturers of wound-closing surgical staplers to hide incidents of malfunction, causing bleeding or death. The stapler malfunctions were brought to light by coroners examining cadavers’ surgical incisions closed with Scotch tape and paper clips.

 

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Lehigh University instituted a ban on hard alcohol at all fraternity and sorority houses. The measure is intended to help Greek organizations focus their hazing efforts on physical & emotional abuse.

Jerry Merryman, co-inventor of the handheld calculator, died at age 86.  Merryman said he was proud to introduce a generation of young boys to 80085.

Two female NASA astronauts and a Canadian female flight controller will conduct the first all-female space walk. They intend to walk for a few minutes, then spend an hour having coffee.

Utah residents Michael Lee and Angela Peang, who are first cousins, went to Colorado so they could be legally married. They’re petitioning Utah to recognize their right for cousins to legally marry, adding if that doesn’t work out, they’ll just settle in Mississippi.

President Trump hosted corporate business leaders at the White House, and referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’. Trump then expressed anger & disappointment that Bill Microsoft and Jack Twitter were no-shows.

Four Canadian wolves were captured and air-dropped on Lake Superior’s Isle Royale National Park in Michigan, in order to bolster the dwindling wolf population and control a growing moose population. Local moose then held a hearing to deal with illegal wolf immigration and plummeting moose-house prices.

Residents of Cardwell, Australia are mourning the loss of ‘Bismarck’, an 80-year-old 15-foot crocodile believed to have been shot & killed. Residents say they’d grown to love Bismarck, since he was a huge tourist attraction, and because during his 80-year life he’d only eaten two of their kids.

Queen Elizabeth, aged 92, made her first photo contribution to the @theRoyalFamily ‘s official Instagram account – although skeptics immediately questioned whether that’s really her in the bikini.

A Seattle man robbed $600 in cash from Girl Scouts selling cookies outside of a grocery store. Police distributed a photo of the suspect, as the Scouts gear up to earn their secret merit badge in Vigilante Justice.

Following the closure of a Blockbuster Video location in Perth, Australia, there remains just one Blockbuster store in Bend, Oregon. The manager says the store is a tourist attraction and will remain open, and in fact they’re hiring workers to beat nearby Redbox machines with crowbars.