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Tennis champion Maria Sharapova is pregnant. If you think the noise she makes when she hits a backhand is loud, just wait a few months.

NASA scientists discovered ‘micronovas’, the smallest thermonuclear blasts. They also call ‘micronovas’ the brightest ideas shared by the dumbest people who still work at NASA.

Veterinarians warn they’re seeing more cases of domestic animals eating their owner’s cannabis edibles. The pets recover in a couple days, but it’s hard getting the service dogs back to work after lying on the sofa watching the Doctor Who marathon.

Netflix – which lost over 30% of its value after posting a decline in subscribers – is considering launching an ad-supported version. And by “ads” they mean “adding porn”.

A boy in Brazil was born with two penises, and doctors had to remove the larger one because it couldn’t urinate. His parents sued the surgeon because the child was dismembered.

California police are allegedly playing copyrighted Disney music while on duty, so that the company will take down the videos if they’re posted by concerned citizens. No statement has been made from Disney about a supercut of cops shooting unarmed teenagers to ‘Whistle While You Work’.

A Swiss developer is building a 328-foot tall residential tower from timber – the world’s tallest. The condo association has already rejected dozens of applications filed by families of termites.

Thursday is the first day for legal recreational marijuana sales in New Jersey. New Jersey is also the only place you’ll find the exclusive Roy Rogers strain.

Following the Oscars slap incident, Broadway’s Tony Awards instituted a ‘No Violence’ policy, which, in effect, removes the last reason anyone had for wanting to watch the Tony Awards.

The Masked Singer aired the episode revealing Rudy Giuliani as Jack In The Box singing ‘Bad To The Bone’. He, of course, sucked, but stuck around long enough to announce his plan to expose Jenny McCarthy’s voter fraud resulting in Jewel’s win last season.

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Netflix lost 200,000 subscribers, and said password sharing was partially to blame for putting their quarterly totals in the Upside Down.

Popeyes plans to open 200 new restaurants, and will incorporate a new restaurant design with more defibrillators, and more open space for fistfights when they roll out new menu items.

The FDA is investigating reports of people experiencing stomach pain, vomiting & diarrhea after eating Lucky Charms. However, the leprechaun is happy he’s found a way to keep people from stealing them.

Amy Schumer said her trichotillomania – which caused her to obsessively pull out her hair during her teen years – made her feel “unlovable” and “not great at spelling her disease”.

Moderna said they’re releasing an updated COVID booster shot this fall, that better combats virus variants while making the tracking chip 50% smaller.

Lizzo said she’s in a relationship. Then, when the pizza was gone, said she’s single again.

The USFL Pittsburgh Maulers cut running back De’Veon Smith because he ordered pizza instead of chicken salad at the team cafeteria. The team said the $20 for the pizza forced them to declare bankruptcy.

A woman’s viral Tik Tok video tells how she suffered a panic attack because her tattoo artist talked inappropriately about her while she was topless. The tattoo artist defended his remarks, saying they were on treadmills at Planet Fitness.

Uber will no longer require face masks, so passengers can more clearly hear how they’re being sexually harassed.

Workout apparel giant Lululemon plans to grow to over $12 billion in sales by growing sales to men and launching a resale program for gently used yoga pants and sports bras – mainly by selling them to creepy men.

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A man inhaled a dental drill bit into his lung while having a cavity filled. Doctors removed it and are now busily filling the six cavities in his windpipe.

A Wisconsin mother of identical triplet boys uses color-coded toenail paint to tell them apart – at least until she finds a tattoo parlor willing to ink the names on their asses.

Banking giant JP Morgan Chase unveiled plans for a new 60-story headquarters tower in New York City, powered entirely by renewable energy. Specifically, harnessing methane gas generated by workers and tourists at hot dog & falafel carts on the block.

A man received a $450,000 settlement after suing his former employer, who incited a panic attack at a workplace birthday party in his honor. The man said he’ll probably never return to work at Chuck E Cheese.

A federal judge blocked the mask mandate for U.S. airlines, giving a victory to airline passengers who want to spit on flight attendants after they punch them.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania man became the 11th in history to record a perfect score on the original arcade version of Pac-Man. He was recognized posthumously, since he died because they didn’t notice his playing the game while they demolished the abandoned Pizza Hut around him.

Moscow’s Mayor said economic sanctions against Russia resulted in the loss of 200,000 jobs in the city. To make ends meet, tens of thousands of displaced workers are applying to Moscow’s only food delivery service, BorschtDash.

The new trailer for Marvel’s Thor: Love & Thunder has some fans concerned that Thor is gay. And quite a few of them positively thrilled that Thor is gay.

The new USFL premiered over the weekend, with the season kickoff game between the Birmingham Stallions & New Jersey Generals viewed by an estimated 2.95 prison inmates and gambling addicts.

Jury selection started in Blac Chyna’s defamation trial against the Kardashian family. Lawyers are seeking 12 jurors and 2 alternates who can remain impartial while pretending to listen to testimony while staring at boobs.

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Michigan kindergartners drank Jose Cuervo ready-made margaritas because a classmate brought the bottle in for snack time thinking it was juice. The children are all okay, and there’s now a waiting list to be Snack Mom.

NASA teleported a hologram of a doctor to the International Space Station. The astronauts were all pretty pissed off at the $100,000 copay.

Burger King’s largest franchisee is cutting the number of chicken nuggets in an order from 10 to 8. They say the other two died of bird flu.

Shania Twain joined Harry Styles on stage at Coachella to perform ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’ – but looked at Styles and sang ‘Man, You Look Like A Woman’.

Florida’s Department of Education rejected 54 math textbooks from kindergarten through 12th grade curriculum, saying that they contained prohibited content like Critical Race Theory, common core learning, and fractions.

The City of Philadelphia faces a lawsuit from business owners over the reinstatement of its indoor mask mandate. It’s the first-ever lawsuit with paperwork that opens with the phrase “Not for Nothing…”

To prevent the spread of bird flu, wildlife officials are recommending not putting out bird feeders. But if you do, mix the bird feed with Dayquil.

Ever Forward – a container ship stuck in the Chesapeake Bay for a month – has been freed. They were able to remove the cargo faster with the help of teenagers tricked into thinking several of the 40-foot containers contained Playstation 5’s they could have.

A Queens, New York woman was stabbed over 50 times, stuffed in a duffel bag, and dragged several blocks to a street corner, leaving sidewalks stained with blood. Police have not yet ruled out foul play.

The FDA authorized the first breath test for COVID, on the same day it approved new & improved Listerine with Monoclonal Antibodies.

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Reddit introduced comment searching, making it quicker to find your favorite examples of racism, sexism & right-wing extremism.

Cardi B & husband Offset revealed the name of their newborn son, Wave. They also shared the baby’s first photos – Wave to the camera.

Ramiro Alanis of Florida saw ‘Spider Man: No Way Home’ in theatres 292 times between December, 2021 and March, 2022, breaking the world record for single viewings of a film. Alanis spent $3,400 on tickets, and $43,000 removing a popcorn blockage in his colon.

Bird experts advise temporarily taking down bird feeders and bird baths to slow the spread of Bird Flu. They also say you shouldn’t put Nyquil in hummingbird feeders.

200 birds died of Bird Flu at a Chicago-area forest preserve. Officials say this is the first time they’ve seen this many dead creatures in Chicago without bullet holes.

The United States and United Kingdom are each investigating mysterious cases of hepatitis in children as early as 1-year-old. They say finding the root cause is challenging because they’re too young to have eaten at Taco Bell.

A$AP Rocky is denying rumors that he cheated on, and split from, pregnant partner Rihanna. He said the press obviously has him confused with his cousin A$AP Horny.

A Chinese race car driver on a frozen lake drifted for 3.87 miles, breaking the world record for longest continuous drift. Meanwhile, in a spring snowstorm in Winnipeg, Canada, a different Chinese driver drifted for three blocks and broke the world record for hitting parked cars.

High end kitchenware retailer Sur La Table launched their first-ever furniture line, Sur La Overpriced Chairs.

An Elizabeth, New Jersey man was arrested and charged for running over a woman several times with his SUV. An official with the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles called it “the worst driver’s test parallel parking I’ve ever seen”.

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Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro faces questioning after the discovery of Brazil’s military purchasing over 35,000 Viagra pills and three silicone penile implants. The questions would be directed to the three highest-ranking generals, but Bolsonaro said they’ve all been pretty busy. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

New York City subway shooting suspect Frank James was apprehended, but is alleged to have called the Crime Stoppers hotline to tell police he’d be near a McDonald’s in the city’s East Village. Cops surrounded James after finishing their McFlurries.

President Biden committed $800 million in military weapons & aid to Ukraine. Although, thanks to inflation, the price went up to $900 million the next day.

The U.S. Government announced new ways they’re helping households ease the burden of medical debt, including better disclosures, debt forgiveness, and the approval of the first-ever At-Home, Do It Yourself Boob Job.

Georgia Representative & inveterate dipshit Marjorie Taylor Greene said in an interview that joining the U.S. military is like “throwing your life away”. Greene defended her right to make such comments, having served 10 years in CrossFit.

Amazon is rebranding its free, ad-supported streaming video service from IMDB TV to Amazon FreeVee. They say the programming is so good, they’ll send you a bottle to urinate in because you won’t want to leave your chair.

Alabama legislators passed a record high education budget of $8.3 billion, including more money for school supplies and pay raises of 21% for some teachers. Teachers can qualify for even bigger raises if they have a 6th Grade diploma.

A 9-year-old girl waiting to see the Easter Bunny at a California mall was shot by a store owner chasing a shoplifter. The girl is expected to recover, and the Easter Bunny is now concealed-carry packing.

East coast convenience store chain Wawa is giving away free coffee all day Thursday in honor of their 56th anniversary. Doctors specializing in gastrointestinal illness are no longer accepting Friday appointments.

In the premiere episode of Hulu’s The Kardashians, Kim worries that a new sex tape may emerge from ex-boyfriend Ray J, asking “What if I was f***ing sleeping and he stuck a dildo up my ass?” Viewers were shocked to learn that Kim is an incredibly deep sleeper.

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A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

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Britney Spears announced she’s pregnant with fiance Sam Asghari’s baby. But just in case, Kevin Federline petitioned for an increase in child support payments.

Etsy sellers are on strike to protest an increase in transaction fees. Sellers say the fee increase makes them feel almost as disappointed as someone receiving a gift bought on Etsy.

Following the planned closing of a K Mart in Avenel, New Jersey, just three K Marts will remain open in the United States. However, Steven Seagal will be appearing at the Grand Opening of the newest K Mart at the Kremlin.

Security for founder Mark Zuckerberg cost Facebook parent company Meta $27 million in 2021. $1 million for bodyguards, and $26 million for office workers to figure out his Facebook privacy settings.

A Belgian couple with 12 children named all of them with only the letters L, X, A & E. Names include Alex, Axel, Leax, Xela, etc. Then the woman got accidentally pregnant with a 13th child who they’ll name Floyd.

Elon Musk advocated turning all, or part, of Twitter’s headquarters into a homeless shelter since most employees are working from home. He’s not sure how big to make it, but he’ll start by housing 280 characters.

A self-driving electric taxi was pulled over by San Francisco police for operating without its lights on. The car then removed a Fleshlight from the glove compartment and asked if the cop really needed to write a ticket.

Google released the 100th Version of its Chrome Internet browser – then released the 101st version ten minutes later after a security breach in Version 100 .

In Cornville, Arizona, a javelina jumped into an open Subaru hatchback to eat a bag of Cheetos, became trapped, and knocked the shifter into neutral, causing it to roll away. A sheriff’s deputy opened the door, allowing the javelina to escape before later dying from eating Cheetos.

The Biden Administration will remove delinquency status from millions of student loan borrowers, making them ‘current’ and improving their credit scores, so they’ll soon be eligible to default on auto and home loans.

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A New York City Housing Authority official was caught on video having sex with an unidentified woman during a Housing Authority Zoom meeting. The official was suspended; the woman had her rent waived for the month.

Rapper T.I. – who’s now performing stand-up comedy – was booed off the stage at the April Fools Comedy Jam at Brooklyn’s Barclays Center, just days after he ripped the wig off fellow comedian Lauren Knight during an argument at an open mic in Atlanta. Comedy club owners around the country consider T.I. “ready to headline”.

The Biden Administration and the Department of Justice are expected to crack down on untraceable, home-assembled firearms called ‘ghost guns’. Or, as referred to by lead DOJ Attorney Shaggy: “g-g-g-g-g -GHOST GUNS!!”

Donald Trump endorsed former tv quack Dr. Mehmet Oz for the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Pennsylvania. In turn, Oz looked at Trump’s physique and endorsed him for Mr. Universe.

Rapper Goonew – killed in a recent robbery – was memorialized at a D.C. nightclub with his embalmed corpse standing and leaning against a wall overlooking the dance floor. Mourners said he didn’t exactly look Goo-as-new.

Apple began manufacturing iPhone 13 in India – with students looking for activities during Spring Break.

Tish Cyrus filed for divorce from husband Billy Ray Cyrus. This is the third time their emotional achy has caused one of them to file for marital breaky.

Khloe Kardashian threw a huge, cat-themed 4th birthday party for her daughter, True. Baby daddy Tristan Thompson was interested in attending, since he heard that there was pussy everywhere.

Neurotic persons – those who encounter stress and behave with anger, self-consciousness & anxiety – are more likely to develop cognitive impairments later in life. On the bright side, that means they’ll forget how stressed-out and anxious they are.

Police arrested a Chicago-area man for burying his mother & sister in plastic containers in the backyard and cashing their Social Security checks. The man was jailed, and is no longer a Tupperware salesperson.

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The City of Philadelphia says applications for gun permits increased 539% from 2020 to 2021. They say the only thing more impressive than the volume increase is the penmanship of the 10-year-olds filling out the applications.

Tiger Woods was caught on a hot mic muttering ‘f*ck off’ as his shot on the 9th hole at The Masters failed to stay on the green. Later he was caught muttering “f*ck on?” during a brief phone conversation with a hostess at a nearby Outback Steakhouse.

The United Nations voted to remove Russia from the Human Rights Council, but Russia gets first pick of countries to join the new Human Rights Violations Council.

Today’s SpaceX launch is the first to send tourists to the International Space Station. Exact pricing is not disclosed, but each passenger paid in the “tens of millions” – not counting the $750,000 t-shirts from the Space Station gift shop.

A DHL cargo jet broke in half while making an emergency landing at a Costa Rica airport. Following an FAA investigation and work from local welders, Spirit Airlines Cargo will make its maiden voyage from Costa Rica.

Tesla Motors will begin selling its all-electric Cybertruck next year. They’d planned to launch this year, but could not reach an agreement with Bob Seger, Toby Keith or John Mellencamp for music to use in the commercials.

Google Meet implemented a feature that will end a video call if no one else shows up after five minutes. They call it Google Ghosted.

Pink Floyd reunited for the first time in 28 years to release a song protesting the Ukraine invasion: ‘Hey Hey Rise Up‘. The B-side is a song about Vladimir Putin’s conscience called ‘Uncomfortably Numb‘.

April 8th is Dog Farting Awareness Day, started by dog lovers to highlight the ways a dog’s flatulence provides insight to their health. Dogs are using the day to highlight human’s wrongful habit of blaming their flatulence on nearby dogs.

Chris Brown announced the birth of a baby girl with Instagram model Diamond Brown. Chris said that, as a mom, Diamond is hard to beat.