By |

After a harrowing ordeal lasting almost three weeks, all 12 member boys and the coach of the Wild Boars soccer team have been successfully rescued from a flooded cave in Thailand. The Boars forfeited two games and took the pitch just in time to lose 72-0 on Monday night.

President Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the open seat on the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh dislikes abortion, but likes guns, unfettered executive branch power, and long walks on the beach.

As Trump held a press conference introducing Kavanaugh, Stormy Daniels was stripping nearby at local club The Cloakroom. Her show charged $50, or $200 if you wanted to Daniels to sit on your bench.

Following an eight-year search, Australian researchers have captured a massive, 1,300 pound crocodile as it lurked near a boat ramp in a river.  The researchers said they wanted to capture and isolate it to prevent it from “interacting with humans” — noting that the croc is a Registered Toddler-Eating Offender.

  • The croc will now “be taken to a croc farm” in Australia’s Katherine region. “We’re getting the f**k out of here” said chickens currently residing on the farm.

A husband and wife participating in a Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines ‘Extreme Caribe Zip Line Tour’ collided while on the lines, killing the husband. Asked what safety measures were in place, the cruise’s tour director replied “zip”.

Todd, a golden retriever that defended its owner Paula Godwin from a rattlesnake, was invited as a guest of honor to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. Todd and Godwin took the field before the game, but the dog left after two innings because he was bored.

Four young men swooped into an Apple store in Fresno, California, stealing $27.000 worth of Apple laptops and iPhones in under a minute. A man attempting to block the thieves from leaving the store was knocked over. The thieves remain at large, and the injured man returned to his station behind the Hero Bar.

Peggy Frank, a 63-year-old U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Southern California was found dead in her mail truck on Friday, while delivering mail in temperatures registering near 120 degrees. She could not be saved despite resuscitation attempts by paramedics and people wondering where their Social Security checks were.

The World Health Organization and the United Nations Health Agency reasserted their warnings that parents should moderate their kids’ video game play when gaming ‘takes over other activities’. However, the WHO and UN were roundly criticized by both the International Game Developers Association, and the makers of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

For the second time in as many days, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was heckled out of a restaurant by protesters. McConnell was clearly frustrated, but should have known there would be trouble when he saw more than one other customer in a Long John Silver’s.

By |

Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.

 

By |

Disney Imagineering has created autonomous 90-pound robots that can do airborne stunts like high-dives and trapeze work, although the robots’ union rep said they’re only working four-hour shifts and refuse to do any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Khloe Kardashian posted a photo with her new baby, True, along with a message saying that she’s nervous about returning to work. To which everyone in the world replied “what work?”

Scott Pruitt, head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, resigned amid months of allegations of legal and ethical violations. When Pruitt finished his resignation letter, President Trump said to just leave it on the pile.

The first hurricane of the year has been announced as Hurricane Beryl, as in ‘watch it barrel over the areas that just got done cleaning up from last year’s hurricanes’.

Singer Chris Brown was arrested after a concert in Florida; Brown had an outstanding arrest warrant for punching a photographer. He was released on a $2,000 cash bond, plus a $10,000 advance on bail for the other people he plans to punch.

U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar said that officials are racing against a federal judge’s extreme deadlines to reunite up to 3,000 detained migrant children with their parents. Azar said that the children had all been released from cages, but that it will take them some time to walk to get to their parents.

The latest fitness fad is exercising in a cold studio. Brrrn in New York City has studios with temperatures at 45, 55 and 60 degrees.  Or, across town, goons in the Meat Packing District will charge you $50/hour to lift sides of beef.

Mobile trivia game HQ Trivia introduced ‘Streaks’, where players who play multiple games in a row are rewarded with extra lives. They chose the name Streaks after they found their first choice, Dopes Without Friends and Lots Of Spare Time, was too wordy to fit on smartphone screens.

President Trump’s upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin is rumored to be one-on-one, with only Trump, Putin, and their translators present. Google Translate’s Russian/English site has seen a surge in users wanting to know how to say ‘hooker urine’ in Russian.

Luxury cruise line Crystal Cruises is touting its latest mega-cruise, a 105-day voyage on the Crystal Serenity. It departs Miami, and arrives in Italy, via exotic ports in Australia, Central America, Asia and Europe. The cost is over $40,000 per person, but that includes food, and you get to have a strain of norovirus named after you.

By |

A 2007 video from Jimmy Kimmel Live resurfaced. The video shows Andy Dick groping the leg of Ivanka Trump. In case you ever wondered what Andy Dick has in common with President Trump.

A Maryland man who bought legal fireworks in Pennsylvania was hospitalized after a mortar tube exploded, causing catastrophic injuries to both hands. The man is expected to start practicing with his new hooks by calling customer service at the fireworks store.

Amazon is expanding Prime Day to 36 hours. They got the idea when they realized that so many of their two-day shipping orders arrive in four days.

Authorities cleared visitors from the Statue of Liberty after a woman, Therese Okoumou, protesting the Trump Administration’s immigration policies climbed the base of the statue and refused to come down. She was eventually brought down and described by medical personnel as “tired, poor, and yearning to breathe free.”

Melania Trump reportedly earns six-to-seven figure royalties from a photo licensing deal with Getty Images, where her pictures are to be used only in “positive” news stories. When pressed about the exact sum Melania has made, a spokesperson said “almost as much as she made from her topless nude pics.”

Microsoft is planning to introduce ‘Dark Mode’ to its Outlook web mail service. The dark theme – originally introduced as a trial on Halloween – became a hit for its use with corporate clients announcing mass layoffs.

The Barton 1792 Distillery in Kentucky, which partially collapsed in June along with 9,000 barrels of bourbon, has now completely collapsed, officially making the catastrophe a double.

Kim Kardashian West tried wakeboarding on the 4th of July, sharing a video online with the caption “This is way harder than it looks!” — the same thing she said while filming her sex tape.

Netflix is reportedly testing out a new $16.99 “Ultra” tier of service.  “With PORN?” asks men. “No.” said Netflix. And men were sad.

Cities in the western U.S. like California and Nevada are so dry and concerned about brush fires that they cancelled 4th of July fireworks and replaced them with nighttime drone shows. But for old times’ sake, the drone are still blowing a few people’s fingers off.

 

 

By |

After an F.B.I. sting, Demetrius Pitts was arrested for allegedly planning a Fourth of July attack in Cleveland. Pitts was charged with one count of attempting to provide material support to a terror organization, and one count of attempting to somehow make Cleveland even worse.

A television ad for a subscription razor service called Billie purports to be the first to ever to show women’s leg and armpit hair. Billie was applauded by the LGBT community for hiring so many of their models.

Harvey Weinstein faces three new sex-crime charges. His indictment on them premieres this Friday.

Singer Liam Payne of One Direction and his partner Cheryl Cole have split up, with Cole going in a Second Direction.

In honor of International Scoliosis Day, Great Britain’s Princess Eugenie, 28, shared x-rays of her scoliosis on Instagram. Horny teenage boys praised her for being curvy.

Producers of Top Gun sequel Top Gun: Maverick are reportedly casting the role of Goose’s son. Three young method actors have already suffered severe concussions auditioning the big ejection scene.

12 young Thai soccer players and their coach have, miraculously, been found alive after 9 days trapped in an underground cave after flash floods. When asked the first thing that they’d like to do after they get out of the cave, the kids said “fire our f**king coach.”

Tennis champion Roger Federer ended his longstanding clothing sponsorship with Nike and will wear tennis gear from Japanese supplier Uni Qlo.  Uni Qlo’s CEO said they’re thrilled to be partnering with a legendary player like Lodger Fedellel.

Taiwanese smartphone manufacturer HTC is laying off 1,500 employees, via a big, sad group text.

The website offering Official Trump Merchandise is holding a July 4th sale. Buyers get 40% off with coupon code FREEDOM.  The 40% off code is not valid on prison sentences.

By |

Roseanne Barr said she’s received a “really good offer” to go back on TV and that she “might do it.” ABC Networks denies that they’re recruiting several dozen chubby-chasing senior men for ‘The Racist Bachelorette.’

According to a study by the Detroit Free Press, the popularity of SUVs is responsible for a 46% increase in pedestrian deaths since 2009, to about 6,000 American people per year, and about 200,000 deer.

Former Trump lawyer and ‘fixer’ Michael Cohen said in an interview with ABC News that his loyalties are to “family ..first”. As proof, Cohen showed the non-disclosure agreements he’d worked up with the porn star nannies he’d hired for his kids.

A McGill University study states that unemployment can increase your risk of unexpected death by 63 percent. The study followed a group of people who used the free time from their layoffs to become trapeze artists.

A study published Monday in JAMA Internal Medicine reports that drinking coffee is associated with a lower risk of early death, no matter how much you drink and whether or not it’s caffeinated. Critics of the study say the doctors who authored it have never gotten coffee at a Sunoco station.

The Trump Administration is being criticized for the Fair and Reciprocal Trade Act [FART] governing economic activities with other countries. The White House said the bill isn’t final, that FART is just a draft, and that the President denies this FART.

An anonymous benefactor bought $1 million worth of Toys R Us remaining inventory to give to underprivileged children. Now they’re still figuring out how to get all of it to the cages on the U.S./Mexico border.

President Trump criticized Democrats & Progressives for their calls to eliminate ICE, worried at how he’ll keep his Diet Coke cold.

LeBron James signed a four-year, $154 million deal to join the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers. In addition to the money, James will also likely get at least a month of extra vacation.

A St. Louis Cardinals groundskeeper was struck in the head by an errant ceremonial pregame first pitch.  Umpires immediately ejected the dork who threw it, his family ran onto the field, and a brawl ensued.

 

 

 

By |

A man in his underwear ran onto the tarmac at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, jumped on the wing of a Delta plane, and pounded on the windows while yelling at the passengers inside. He was then joined on the wing by several others once Delta announced the final boarding group for the flight.

Toys R Us officially closes the doors on all of its stores Friday, becoming Toys WR Us.

Actress Shailene Woodley said she was “f—in miserable” eating a 350-calorie-per-day diet for her latest film ‘Adrift’ where she portrays a woman lost at sea. Woodley now says she is “still f—in miserable” because no one saw the movie.

Costco is partnering with food startup Apeel Sciences to sell avocados treated with a natural coating that makes them last twice as long — up to 2 hours.

Minor league baseball team Staten Island Yankees is rebranding as the Staten Island Pizza Rats for several Saturday games this summer. However, the change angered Italians on Staten Island, who canceled Italian Heritage Night at the park. Instead, Staten Island Italians will celebrate their heritage by sitting on their porches in wifebeaters.

President Trump is reportedly consulting with advisers to identify a successor to White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.  Front-runners are Mike Pence’s Chief of Staff Mike Ayers, Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, and Apprentice Champion-slash-Poison lead singer Bret Michaels.

On average, one person was murdered every 15 minutes in Mexico in the month of May. And that’s just from the unlimited well drinks at Sandals.

Toy Story Land opens at Disney World this weekend, offering something for children and adults; new attractions include Slinky Dog Dash, Alien Swirling Saucers, and the Bo Peep Show.

California just passed the strictest online privacy law in the country, allowing residents to dictate if their personal data can be sold. Lawmakers in Mississippi are also considering online privacy laws, but first need to understand how the dang Internet works, anyhow.

A shortage of carbon dioxide is causing the U.K. to ration beer. Queen Elizabeth can now only get hammered four nights a week.

 

 

By |

Renovated Atlantic City casino/hotels Ocean and Hard Rock Hotel surprised tourists and residents by opening their doors a day early. Both were eager to welcome guests off the famously depressing boardwalk to come in and throw away their money.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he’s retiring from the High Court effective July 31st.  Local Planned Parenthood offices announced their first-ever Going Out Of Business Sale this Labor Day.

Jet Blue passengers on a flight from New York to Los Angeles sat with their hands held high in their seats, as cops stormed the tarmac, after the pilot mistakenly punched in a transmission code for “hijacking”. Coincidentally, four 10-year-olds were taken off the plane as the error unwittingly foiled their attempt to take the plane to Disney World.

Scarlett Johansson denied a rumor that she was recruited by the Church of Scientology to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend. However an unnamed source said she flunked the interview when she was asked to show emotion, and Johansson replied that she couldn’t.

A report from the Centers for Disease Control said that just 23% of U.S. adults are getting enough exercise. The CDC issued the findings during a press conference from their empty company gym.

  • Mississippi had the lowest reported percentage of exercise-conscious adults, 13.7%. Respondents in Mississippi said their number-one fitness activity is “running from snakes.”

38 North, a consultancy monitoring military activity in North Korea, said that they are not disarming nuclear missile facilities, but are rather fortifying the Yonbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center. North Korean officials dispute the report, saying the missiles were requested for July 4th Fireworks by President Trump.

Amazon is seeking prospective entrepreneurs with $10,000 to apply to start local package delivery businesses for Prime orders. If Amazon turns you down, they show you items You Might Be Interested In costing $10,000.

Chipotle is testing new menu items like quesadillas and tostadas, but their CEO said that it will take up to three years to roll out nationally. Although the test food is expected to roll out of diners in about three minutes, locally.

Retailer H&M said that it’s currently holding $4 billion in inventory of unsold clothing. The retailer is planning aggressive markdowns, and targeted marketing to moms and grandmoms who know how to make boys & girls look embarrassingly uncool when school starts.

LPGA golfer Stacy Lewis said that her primary sponsor, KPMG, will continue to pay her while she takes maternity leave from golf tournaments. She’s still negotiating her return to the tour with her caddy, who’s hesitant to wear a Baby Bjorn and carry a second bag for diapers.

 

By |

The body of 48-year-old Todd Keeling was found in a beer cooler before an Atlanta Braves game at Sun Trust Park. Reports originally stated that he died in a walk-in freezer, but were corrected when police said they found the body surrounded in Silver Bullets. [story h/t to Chris Schmidt!!]

Sir Ray Davies announced that legendary British rockers The Kinks are getting back together, as soon as they work themselves out.

Missouri State University Associate Sociology professor Alicia Walker is asking for 3,600 explicit photos of flaccid and erect penises to explore how a man’s penis size affects the rest of his life. She expects to complete the photo-gathering phase of the study after joining Tinder for 15 minutes.

  • Professor Walker’s hypothesis is that men with large penises self-identify as being happier with their life, as do their wives & girlfriends, although the women self-report many more headaches.

Sarah Sanders is getting Secret Service protection. Visitors to the Pennsylvania Avenue Arby’s are asked to budget extra time for visits between Noon and 1:30pm.

Brazilian swimsuit model Sabrina Jales St Pierre is suing the Embassy Suites in Palm Desert, California, saying she suffered so many bedbug bites during her stay there that she had to turn down modeling work. Furthermore, she said that she was the target of inappropriate comments from the bedbugs when they saw her at the free breakfast buffet the next morning.

White House officials announced that Melania Trump is making a second visit to the Mexican border, to check the progress of her tunnel.

Joe Jackson, patriarch of the singing Jackson Family, passed away at age 89. A statement released by the family said “Hee-heeeeee is dead.”

The Florida Department of Health is warning beachgoers about an outbreak of biting sea lice off the state’s northwest shores. The lice, which are actually jellyfish larvae, leave itchy irritated rashes, and are known to attack tourists by angrily declaring stretches of Pensacola as a Locals Only Beach, brah!

Justice Anthony Kennedy announced that he’s retiring from the Supreme Court, effective July 31st. President Trump announced he’ll compile a list of nominees after meeting them at a rally in Charlottesville.

Google gave journalists a demonstration of Google Duplex, a human-sounding artificial intelligence product that makes human-sounding phone calls on your behalf to automate things like making restaurant reservations, hair appointments, and getting shut down calling hot women for dates.

 

By |

The Food & Drug Administration approved the first-ever prescription drug derived from marijuana, to deal with epilepsy symptoms. Stoners are busily booking doctors appointments and practicing seizures.

Harley-Davidson will move some production overseas in order to avoid punitive tariffs for motorcycles shipped from the U.S. to Europe.  Parisian shopkeepers are worried the resulting shipment delays will only further anger the notorious, croissant-thieving French Hell’s Angels.

Mike Fleiss, creator of ABC Television series ‘The Bachelor’, tweeted that he’s ‘horrified’ that ‘abusive a-holes’ are on the show. He wistfully recalled the days when the show prominently featured only vain, non-abusive a-holes.

Residents of Maine are being warned about the Lone Star Tick, whose bite makes victims allergic to red meat. The ticks are said to frequent cookouts to get at the extra cheeseburgers, and are working on an update to make victims allergic to craft beer.

Pennsylvania residents can now legally buy and set off aerial fireworks this 4th of July, but are upset that the state levies 18% sales tax on them – they feel they’re being charged a blown-off arm and a blown-off leg.

Michael Cohen’s lawyers have reviewed millions of documents seized during a raid at his offices, and will claim attorney/client privilege over 12,000. The lawyers may not be very good, because they identified the 12,000 by seeing which ones had ‘attorney’ ‘client’ and ‘privilege’ typed on them.

First responders in New Hampshire were able to rescue a 2-year-old boy trapped under a pile of rocks. Said the fire chief “thank God that kid had so many Tonka trucks.”

In Arizona, local officials are warning that snakes may be hiding in pool noodles, after several reports from residents surprised to be finding snakes in them. One snake apologized, saying he napped in the pool noodle after getting exhausted playing all morning on the Slither n Slide.

Apple released its Schoolwork App, which allows teachers with iPads to manage classroom tasks like creating assignments and tracking students’ progress. Apple is continuing its discounts on iPads so teachers whose primary iPad is running the Schoolwork App have a second iPad for watching porn.

The Supreme Court upheld the Trump Administration’s controversial travel ban from Muslim-centric countries, dealing a critical blow to immigration activists and causing a huge sigh of relief from American tourists flying home from the Middle East.