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Texas Senator and Harvard-educated numbskull Ted Cruz suggested that the Southern Border wall be paid for by convicted drug trafficker Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Through his attorneys, El Chapo said he’ll think about it, but he’s really more of a tunnel guy.

Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are denying a viral rumor that they ‘recycle’ uneaten pizza, and are secretly happy that no one is asking about the chicken nuggets.

Jerry Stritzke, the CEO of outdoor gear retailer REI, is resigning after the disclosure of a ‘personal, consensual’ relationship that fellow executives deemed a conflict of interest. Stritzke regrets failing to inform the board that he was making out with a guy named Eddie Bauer.

Fitness model Michelle Lewin posted a photo on Instagram of a feral pig biting her buttocks during a photo shoot in the Bahamas. The pig seen in the photo is female, so there goes that myth about men.

NCAA sack leader Jaylon Ferguson of Louisiana Tech has reportedly been uninvited from the NFL Combine because of a simple battery conviction during his freshman year. Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded all NFL prospects how important it is to wait until you make an NFL team before you start beating people up.

A vape pen stored in an overhead bin caught fire during boarding of a Delta flight. The fire was extinguished and passengers were switched to a different jet. “My bad” said the 12-year-old owner of the vape pen, who then bought a new one in the terminal.

Nintendo announced Tetris 99, a battle-royale version of Tetris where 99 people play simultaneously against one another while they goof off at work.

Oklahoma approved a bill allowing adults over 21 to own & carry handguns without a permit. The bill includes funding for additional lanes on interstate highways to be designated for road rage firefights.

The Masked Singer revealed its latest mystery participant Wednesday night. After a performance of Elle King’s ‘Ex’s & Oh’s’ the Alien lifted their mask and was revealed as La Toya Jackson. The judges then promptly asked her to put the mask back on.

In a scathing ’60 Minutes’ interview, former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe said that if President Trump was ‘on the box at Quantico, he would break the machine’. By ‘the box’, McCabe was referring to either a polygraph, or a scale that measures body fat.

 

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LinkedIn introduced LinkedIn Live, a new live video broadcasting feature. They say it will help recruiters know when new talent enters the market as companies share videos of firing people.

An 18-year-old who had never been vaccinated because of his mother’s’ beliefs scheduled & received a battery of vaccines on his 18th birthday. He’s now the first person in the U.S. to be diagnosed with adult-onset autism.

IBM’s supercomputer ‘Project Debater’ faced off against 2016 World Debating Championships finalist Harish Natarajan in a debate about preschool funding — and lost. The computer finally broke down after the 75th time Natarajan repeated “I know you are, but what am I?”

Former NASA astronaut Mark Kelly announced his 2020 bid for Arizona’s U.S. Senate seat vacated by the death of John McCain. He’s using the next year and a half to build funding and recognition, and to find a campaign slogan that isn’t some corny thing about stars.

Houston residents entering what they thought was an abandoned home to smoke marijuana found a caged female tiger and called 911. Animal control officers arrived later to take the animal, which they described as “pretty chill”.

Canadian authorities said a human foot washed ashore in Vancouver, the 15th such occurrence in British Columbia in 10 years. Asked why the foot hadn’t been eaten by sharks or other marine mammals, an investigator said the victim had done a great job tying their shoe.

  • Detectives intend to use pedicure records to try and identify them.

Taking upskirt photos & videos of women is now illegal in the United Kingdom & Wales — where it’s known as bloomerclickin’.

Rapper YoungBoy Never Broke Again was arrested in Atlanta. He’ll face charges of disorderly conduct & marijuana possession, and be tried as RudeAdult Paying Hefty Fines.

A 41-year-old Newport News, Virginia man was arrested after projecting a porno movie on his garage door. Despite the criminal charges, a few neighbors say they’re thinking of doing something similar to drive traffic to their own yard sales.

A supporter attending President Trump’s El Paso, Texas rally attacked a BBC cameraman. “BBC, AOC, I don’t know..” said the drunk man.

Target recalled toddler ‘unicorn boots’ because of a potential choking hazard – for toddlers who are good at putting their booted feet in their mouths, for some reason.

Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman was found guilty on all ten drug-related charges in his federal trial, and faces life in maximum-security prison. Guzman’s lawyer requested a ground-floor cell and a Rita Hayworth poster for the wall.

 

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Two elementary school boys in Utah found a handgun in a snowbank, possibly discarded after a nearby domestic dispute. The boys had no problem holding everyone’s attention in Show & Tell, and easily found dates to the big school dance that weekend.

The average federal tax refund is down 8% so far this year, leading to an increase in sales of cheaper liquor.

Denver’s public school teachers went on strike Monday, saying their salaries are too low to keep up with both the city’s high cost of living, and legal-weed Colorado’s cost of living high.

The Cleveland Browns signed running back Kareem Hunt, who had been waived by the Kansas City Chiefs for physically abusing a woman. The Browns are kicking the tires, and hope tires are all Hunt kicks.

Cardi B mistakenly thanked Tom Petty for sending her congratulatory flowers after the Grammy Awards. Petty, who died in 2017, did not send them, but worked as hard as he could pushing them up.

Marlboro cigarette owner Altria invested $1.8 billion in cannabis company Cronos. They’re now busy casting the new Marlboro Man from a pool of white male douchebags with dreadlocks riding an electric scooter.

UCLA Medical Center developed an interactive pacifier to improve breathing for premature infants; it triggers a lullaby sung by a parent when they suck on it. It works well for the majority of babies, but some are spitting it out because their moms are lousy singers.

According to a new study, eating ultra-processed foods like sugary cereal shortens your life.  “Give me Fruity Pebbles AND give me death!” said a defiant child.

A powerful storm battered Hawai’i with 191mph winds and 60 foot waves. “Surfs up!” said people with flooded basements.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen postponed his scheduled Congressional testimony a third time – citing ‘post surgery medical needs.’ It’s unclear who ordered the surgery to remove Cohen’s tongue.

Chris Christie denied any ongoing rift with President Trump, saying Trump has offered him jobs including Secretary of Labor, Director of Homeland Security, Special Assistant & two ambassadorships…but that those aren’t jobs that he wanted. Trump has yet to offer him White House fry cook.

A gadget called LoveSync is seeking funding via Kickstarter. The LoveSync has two buttons, one for each partner to press, indicating their interest in sex. If both buttons are pressed, they can decide to have sex. No price has been set, but it’s light & compact enough to throw out the window.

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Saudis deny involvement in leaks of Jeff Bezos’ private photos, saying his story is pretty boring since a multibillionaire with one wife and one mistress is really just a Starter Kit.

‘This Is America’ won Song of the Year at last night’s Grammy Awards — paving the way for the grand opening of the new Childish Gambino Cabaret Theater in Branson, Missouri.

Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’s running for President. She’d been delaying her announcement until the weather was favorable enough for smoke signals to be seen from a great distance.

A New Zealand restaurant apologized when a server presented a receipt marked ‘Asians’ to a table, presumably to distinguish them from other patrons. The diners complained, and they were presented with a new receipt marked ‘Angry Asians’.

The U.S. Army described their specifications for the Next Generation Squad Weapon [NGSW], a high-tech rifle for future fighting forces. They say it will boost hit probability at long range, adjust for atmospheric conditions, and stop firing when it hears school bells ring.

Jennifer Aniston turned 50, making her eligible to star in romantic comedies opposite Robert Deniro.

Sportscaster Bob Costas claims he was fired by NBC Sports and prevented from hosting Super Bowl 52 because he spoke openly about concussions. Peers and fans alike defended Costas, saying he isn’t the only one wanting to concuss Cris Collinsworth.

Samsung is hosting a press conference on February 20, in which they’re expected to show off a new folding smartphone. Consumers are wary, thinking that once unfolded, it will be impossible to fold it back the right way ever again.

Dating app Bumble introduced ‘Spotlight’, its own version of Tinder’s ‘Boost’, where users can pay extra to have their profiles moved up to the front of the queue for 30 minutes. Bumble claims that, so far, it’s been a huge hit with rich ugly men.

McDonald’s added Donut Sticks to its McCafe Menu. They’ll only be available during breakfast hours, but if you insist on something sweet and bad for you after 10:30a.m., they’ll dump sugar on your french fries.

 

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The Unicode Consortium released new emojis coming in 2019, including new images of people with physical disabilities. It’ll now be easier than ever to tell someone you’re having sex with a physically disabled person.

A University of Pennsylvania hospital is testing a patient to see if they have ebola. Testing is complicated because ebola symptoms – bleeding, nausea & fever – closely mirror those of patients admitted after eating scrapple for breakfast.

The NYPD sent a cease & desist letter to Google asking that they stop letting drivers use the Waze app to alert others to DUI checkpoints. Google refused, citing freedom of speech, and users desire to improve at drunk texting and driving.

Delta Airlines & Coca-Cola apologized for “creepy” beverage napkins used on Delta flights, that encouraged writing your name and phone number on them to give to others on the flight. Passengers complained, and male flight attendants have one less option to meet people.

Virginia’s white Governor and Attorney General admitted wearing blackface to parties, and the black Lieutenant Governor is accused of sexual assault. While everyone waits to see what horrible thing the Speaker of the State House did, the janitor at the Capitol is picking out a suit for his swearing-in ceremony.

A Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Ocean City, New Jersey tested positive for hepatitis A. Customers who were there between January 27 & 31 are advised to get vaccinated, or to clean out their liver with an extra-large Dunkin coffee.

The minor-league-baseball Hartford Yard Goats will go peanut-free at their home stadium this year, providing children with peanut allergies a safe place to go and be bored.

Justin Bieber said in an interview that he abused Xanax, giving him something in common with parents of daughters playing Justin Bieber songs around the house.

JC Penney announced they’re discontinuing sales of appliances and most furniture, in order to focus on its core business — selling embarrassing back-to-school clothing purchased by grandparents.

Walmart announced an expansion of its Allswell online mattress and bedding business, saying they’ll dedicate more in-store display space to show the best way to put it on the floor of your trailer or van.

 

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Melania Trump invited Joshua Trump, an 11-year-old from Wilmington, Delaware who claims he’s been bullied because of his last name, to attend the State of the Union address. “Hey, whatever gets me out of Wilmington, Delaware” said Joshua.

  • Joshua fell asleep at the State of the Union, and awoke to find that he’d gotten $5 million in donations to run for a Delaware congressional seat as a Democrat.

President Trump said he’ll build a “human wall” if necessary on the Southern U.S. border — adding he’s encouraged by the flood of applications already received from Guatemalan immigrants seeking to be human bricks.

A North Carolina college student living in an off-campus apartment thought her home was haunted by ghosts, but then found a 30-year-old man in her closet wearing her clothes. Police said it isn’t a first for a North Carolina man wearing women’s clothing to stay in the closet.

New York Giants QB Eli Manning and wife Abby welcomed their fourth child, Charlie, just after midnight on Super Bowl Sunday. The baby would have arrived late Saturday, but Manning let the clock run a full 35 seconds before changing the play to Big Push.

The Los Angeles Dodgers finally revealed that a 79-year-old woman died after being struck by a foul ball at Dodger Stadium during a game last August. Paramedics were credited with a blown save.

In NHL action, the San Jose Sharks defeated the Winnipeg Jets in their annual ‘Manitoba Side Story’ game.

Roger Alvarado, 22, was sentenced to six months in jail for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York townhouse. Alvarado used the shower, slept in Swift’s bed, and co-wrote the diss track about him for Swift’s next album.

Richard Branson announced Virgin Voyages – an adults-only cruise line launching with new cruise ship Scarlet Lady in 2020. In keeping with the 21-and-over theme, the Scarlet Lady will take to the seas with a strain of norovirus first placed in a petri dish in 1998.

Kendall Jenner debuted new bangs. Her hair, not NBA player/boyfriends.

Google released Password Checkup, a new Chrome browser security extension. It tells you if your recent passwords have been detected in a data breach, and tells everyone whose password is PASSWORD or PASSWORD1 that they’re on their own.

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A 22-year-old Virginia woman found a metal hook inside of her Playtex Simply Gentle Glide tampon. The company said they’d refund her $7 purchase, and apologized for the hook, and the worm on it.

An Indiana middle school student told Apple’s Siri assistant “I’m going to shoot up a school”, then posted a screenshot of a list of local schools Siri gave in response. His friends told police and he was arrested. Reached for comment, Siri said she just wanted to get that crazy kid out of her house.

Deals site Simple Thrifty Living researched the cheapest state to buy cases of Miller Lite and Bud Light beer. Michigan was the cheapest at an average of $14.62 per case; Pennsylvania was most expensive at $21.98.  Pennsylvania’s Liquor Control Board said that, while beer is more expensive, there are more choices for liver transplant surgery.

Randi Zuckerberg said her father offered her and her brother, Mark, the option to own & operate a McDonald’s franchise instead of going to college. Mark decided to go to Harvard, drop out and start Facebook, since he didn’t think he’d be able to harvest and sell as much personal information from a McDonald’s franchise.

A pregnant Catholic school teacher in Pennsylvania claims she was fired from her job because she’s having a child out of wedlock with her boyfriend. School administrators don’t dispute her story, but wish she’d claimed Immaculate Conception because then everyone would have been cool with it.

New Jersey will gradually raise the minimum wage to $15/hour by 2024. The move is expected to make New Jersey a more appealing life and work destination for no one.

The White House says President Trump’s Tuesday State of the Union address will be ‘Unifying’ and ‘Optimistic’ — adding that instead of a speech, Trump will be addressing the country with a rerun of The West Wing.

Democratic Congressmen are still planning to attend the State of the Union, most after finding they can’t get more than $5 for their seats on Stubhub.

Jury deliberations began in the New York felony trial of Mexican druglord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Deliberations are expected to be prolonged because of the time involved to provide all of the jurors with completely new identities.

The City of Philadelphia is proposing a ban on cashless businesses, saying they discriminate against the poor. The legislation is supported by Councilman Bill Greenlee, and the head of the Philadelphia Armed Robbers Union.

The body of a man found dead in Tennessee’s Great Smoky Mountains had died of a meth overdose before being partially eaten by a bear. The bear was ultimately euthanized after three unsuccessful attempts at rehab.

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Sunday marked the 60th anniversary of the deaths of Richie Valens, Buddy Holly & The Big Bopper from a plane crash in Iowa. Also, the New England Patriots defeated the Los Angeles Rams in the worst Super Bowl ever. February 3rd will now be remembered as The Day The Music Died, and The Day The Football Died.

Maroon 5 performed at halftime of the Super Bowl, making it The Day The Music Died Again.

Consumer research revealed mixed results regarding which Super Bowl ad was the best, but unanimously showed that all of the ads were more interesting than the game.

In Philadelphia, a man’s pants caught fire after being tasered by security guards outside of a cheesesteak restaurant. The victim’s condition was unavailable, but he promised never to order a steak with swiss cheese ever again.

Rapper 21 Savage is facing deportation from U.S. Immigration & Customs Enforcement, who claim he’s in the U.S. illegally. It’s also been revealed that 21 Savage may actually be British, since the name on his passport is 21 Heathen.

President Trump spent part of Friday in a roundtable discussion on human trafficking, telling those assembled that, in his experience, there isn’t any real money in it.

Science journal BMJ stated that there’s no evidence to support the notion that eating breakfast promotes weight loss. They cite the results of 13 different clinical trials, and McDonald’s serving breakfast all day.

General Motors is starting to lay off 4,000 salaried workers. Impacted employees turning on their work computers saw an indicator needle pointing to the letter E.

Kristoff St. John, 52, who portrayed Neil Winters on CBS’ ‘The Young and the Restless’, died over the weekend. Or….did he??

Rapper Bow Wow and his girlfriend Leslie Holden were each arrested for assault following a physical altercation at their home. Bow Wow was allegedly angry at Holden for the attention she gave to another man at a party – claiming he saw her sniffing his butt.

 

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Southwest Airlines kicked off its latest promotional discounts, with one-way fares as low as $69, and special one-way fat-shaming fares as low as $49.

As sub-zero temperatures in Chicago continue, residents are being advised about ‘Frost Quakes’ – rumbles and noises from subterranean rock breaking as it freezes. Not to be confused with the cheap store-brand Frost Quakes cereal your mom buys.

Nintendo delayed the launch of its eagerly-awaited smartphone game, Mario Kart Mobile, until this summer. However, the marketing slogan is already set: “Don’t Text and Drive — Drive and Drive!”

Augusta National Golf Club announced that the par-4 5th hole, named ‘Magnolia’, has been lengthened 40 yards to 495 yards for this year’s Masters. They also announced that there isn’t a chance in hell you slobs will ever see or play it in person.

A South Korean woman whose husband died suddenly in Mexico claims Mexican authorities returned his corpse with the brain, heart and stomach missing.  In an unrelated story, the scarecrow and tin man got what they wanted from the Mexican Wizard of Oz.

Gisele Bundchen, wife of star NFL QB Tom Brady, opened up about her relationship with actor Leonardo Dicaprio. Bundchen said she split from Dicaprio because she was “no longer numbing herself” with drinking and work. Dicaprio replied saying he split up with Bundchen because she was “no longer 22”.

USA Today published an expose of Miami’s Jolie Plastic Surgery center, where 8 women have died after plastic surgery, 4 from complications of Brazilian Butt Lifts. The principal physician regrets that their asses couldn’t be saved.

A drunken British man whose misbehavior caused a Calgary-to-London flight to turn around must reimburse WestJet Airlines $21,000 for the fuel costs they incurred. The man said he’ll pay for the jet fuel, but only if he gets to drink some of it.

Walmart announced it will start paying bonuses to employees for good attendance. A spokesman called this a win/win for employees, since the bonuses are paid for showing up, not for actually doing any work.

Researchers at Stanford & NYU found that people who deactivated Facebook for four weeks reported being happier, but less informed about current events. They also reported difficulty finding $19 Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg copies of first-run movies.