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Actress Jamie Lee Curtis told People magazine that she is in recovery from a 10-year opiate addiction. She was originally prescribed pain killers to recover from non-lethal stab wounds suffered during terrible ‘Halloween’ sequels.

Duchess Meghan Markle’s wedding dress will go on public display for the first time since her May 19th wedding, after a fourth dry cleaner successfully got all of the embarrassing stains out of it.

Megyn Kelly apologized for insensitive remarks on the Today Show, regarding children wearing blackface as part of Halloween costumes. Kelly said she got carried away remembering all the candy she got when she trick-or-treated as Donna Summer.

McDonald’s is expanding its breakfast menu, offering bigger “triple stack” versions of McMuffin and McGriddles sandwiches. Head of Culinary Innovation Mike Haracz said the items are a result of seeing customers ‘hack’ the McDonald’s menu — which everyone assumed to mean hacking it back up in the parking lot.

Apple CEO Tim Cook spoke to CNN’s Christiane Amanpour, telling her that being gay ‘is God’s greatest gift to me’. Cook added that it was difficult choosing a greatest gift, since he’s also been blessed with billions of dollars and bountiful underage overseas factory labor.

Suspicious packages containing explosives were mailed to the home of Bill & Hillary Clinton, and an office used by President Barack Obama. Canines were able to detect the explosives because the packages also contained Trump Steaks.

Rumors circulate that Khloe Kardashian and NBA player Tristan Thompson may have finally broken up, as she remains in Los Angeles while he lives in Cleveland playing for the Cavaliers. “Oh no!” said Thompson, barely audible beneath a pile of groupies.

Nina Kroupianova, wife of white supremacist Richard Spencer, filed for divorce, saying that Spencer was physically, emotionally & financially abusive. Kroupiianova said she can’t believe that this is the same loving bigot she married.

PETA is being criticized for their tweet urging people to stop drinking milk, since they claim it’s a ‘symbol used by white supremacists’. “Damnit, they’re on to us” said the Grand Imperial Holstein at a Cu Clux Cow rally.

A lawsuit filed in the San Francisco Bay Area alleges that 263 priests are sex abusers. “Hmm. Seems a little low..” said Pope Francis.

Dozens more breakfast foods have tested positive for trace amounts of weed killer glyphosate, better known as Roundup. Parents are reportedly feeding their kids Cheerios, then sending them outside to piss on dandelions to kill them.

 

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Scientists in Zurich have developed a lightweight virtual reality glove that simulates holding and touching objects that aren’t really there. It was developed so that the scientists could finally experience what it’s like to get to second base.

WOW Air will discontinue round trip flights from St. Louis to Reykjavik, Iceland. WOW said the decision was a combination of low demand, and complaints from St. Louis passengers who bought tickets to Iceland thinking they were landing in Buffalo.

White House adviser Jared Kushner, addressing the Saudi response to the disappearance of writer Jamal Khashoggi, said that Saudi Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman must provide ‘full transparency’. Prince MBS misunderstood, and texted Kushner pictures of 8 of his wives in see-through robes.

Elon Musk said that a high-speed transit tunnel beneath Los Angeles from his Boring Company debuts December 10th, with free rides offered to the public on December 11th. No word on how private citizens sign up for the free rides, especially since rats with travel plans are already lined up.

Sarah Silverman said on the Howard Stern show that she sometimes allowed Louis C.K. to masturbate in front of her; but added that it reached a point where, when Louis asked if she wanted to see his new five minutes, she said no.

Thousands of Swedes are having microchips embedded in their thumbs by a company called Biohax. The chips act as wireless entry keys, e*tickets and travel passes. And when you shove your thumb up your ass, Biohax senses you’re bored and summons ideas of things for you to do.

In India, the brother of a 72-year-old man who died after 20 wild monkeys threw rocks at him from a nearby tree wants the monkeys to be charged. The local chief of police refused, saying it would make the police a laughingstock — and that, despite dozens of interrogation attempts, none of the monkeys are talking.

The ‘Wonder Woman’ sequel – ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ – has been delayed from a November, 2019 release to June, 2020 — surprising no one who’s ever waited for a woman to get ready.

Kendall Jenner lashed out at TMZ for sharing her home address, since a stalker has twice been arrested at Jenner’s home. Her publicist then called TMZ to tell them which clubs and restaurants she’ll be visiting for the remainder of the week.

Federal prosecutors in the District of Columbia have set up a hotline so victims can report clergy abuse by Catholic priests.  Your call is important to them. Due to large volume, your estimated hold time is approximately 90 minutes.

 

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Comcast announced it’s rolled out 1 Gigabit/second speed availability to all of its residential internet customers. They’re encouraging people to sign up for the service and experience speeds about one-tenth as fast as advertised.

Greg Lansky, owner of Strike 3 Entertainment — a man who calls himself “the Steven Spielberg of porn” — is suing 40 ‘John Does’ in the Buffalo, NY area for pirating his adult content. The defendants have not been named, but dozens of 15-year-old boys are moving their allowances into offshore Cayman Islands accounts.

A school cafeteria manager in Nebraska resigned after admitting he made and sold chili to students containing kangaroo meat.  At a track meet the next day, a student broke the decades-old high jump record by a full foot.

Senator Mitch McConnell and his wife, Elaine Chao, were confronted by angry protesters on Friday night as they dined at a Cuban restaurant. McConnell said he was just there to enjoy his food and help ICE agents load a truck full of servers for deportation to Cuba.

A 22-year-old man arrested at Baltimore-Washington International Airport for possessing a firearm in his luggage blamed his mother, who he said did his packing.  As evidence, the man submitted a note attached to the .40 caliber rifle, reading “Have fun shooting someone! Call me. Love, Mom.”

Saudi Arabia confirmed that missing writer Jamal Khashoggi is dead. They said he was being interrogated when a fistfight broke out and he died. Asked where his body is, the Saudis said they gave it to a mortician, but that he got into a fistfight with a competing mortician and now they can’t find it.

Video surfaced of a male Coral Springs, Florida police officer repeatedly punching  the ribs of a 14-year-old girl, subdued and lying face-down on the ground outside of a mall. “I paid $49 for this?…” said UFC fight fans before realizing it wasn’t video of a UFC-sanctioned event.

Denis Hof, a Nevada entrepreneur who owned & operated two legal brothels, the Bunny Ranch & Love Ranch, died last week. Paramedics arrived to treat an ‘unresponsive male’, and were surprised to find a lifeless body, because ‘unresponsive males’ at the Bunny Ranch are usually treated with Cialis.

A large, inflatable walk-through colon was stolen from the University of Kansas Cancer Center. Meanwhile, an oversized rectum is being flown to Texas to appear at a campaign rally for Senator Ted Cruz.

A new study claims that adults can reduce their risk of cancer by eating organic. A poll of Americans asking if they’d rather do their weekly shopping at Whole Foods or get cancer was a toss-up.

 

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Uber is reportedly developing an on-demand staffing business, where small business operators and event planners can hire security guards, waiters & other temporary hires to sexually harass guests and coworkers.

Kleenex, responding to calls of sexism, is renaming their extra-large tissues currently branded as Mansize. “Whatever”, said a guy masturbating.

An off-duty Delta Airlines flight attendant is taking legal action after he was recorded in a cabin lavatory having a sexual encounter with gay porn star Austin Wolf. Meanwhile, everyone else wonders how two men, a director, a camera operator and a lighting tech all fit in an airplane bathroom.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Dallas made an emergency landing in Albuquerque after a male passenger became belligerent over being moved because the woman next to him was harassed by his unwanted game of “footsie”. She said she finally complained when the game of “footsie” turned into “penissie”.

Presidential daughter-in-law Lara Trump told Fox News that the ‘Kavanaugh effect’ is inspiring women to vote for Republicans. Asked what the ‘Kavanaugh effect’ means, she said it’s like Stockholm Syndrome, only you sympathize with your sexual assailant.

Tesla founder Elon Musk said that he’s launching ‘Teslaquila’, a new tequila brand.  You can drink it while the car drives itself.

Rihanna reportedly turned down an offer to perform at halftime of the 2019 Super Bowl. A source claims that it was a show of support for Colin Kaepernick, and also because producers wouldn’t guarantee they could hide the bag she needs to carry a tune.

Andrew Wallet, the conservator of Britney Spears’ estate, is demanding to be paid $426,000/year because he claims his fiscal management has kept Spears from drugs and other financial mistakes during her Las Vegas residency. He’s also seeking damages for pain & suffering from having to watch her shows so many times.

The NBA is reportedly fining players for getting visible tattoos of corporate logos. J.R. Smith and Lonzo Ball have been asked to cover their Supreme streetwear and Big Baller logo tatts, respectively, because neither are league sponsors. Another player was asked to cover his Payless Shoes logo because it’s just embarrassing.

The first U.S. case of Andes Virus has been recorded by the Centers for Disease Control. The virus is carried by rats and was contracted by a 29-year-old female hiker returning from the Andes region. U.S. customs officials are taking steps to screen travelers returning from the region – especially backpacking rats.

 

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Tom Brady’s son turns 16 today. He was given a big hug by his grandmother, who was promptly flagged for unnecessary roughness.

President Trump said he’ll ask each of his cabinet secretaries to cut their budgets by five percent to reduce federal spending. Education secretary Betsy Devos was the first to finish her homework, dropping her $10 billion budget by $50.

The Houston Astros were denied a two-run home run on a call of fan interference in their game against the Boston Red Sox, despite video showing that the fan did not reach over the fence to try to catch the home run ball. Boston fans said the Houston fan made a mistake trying to catch the ball instead of dumping a beer on the outfielder’s head.

In a new book, physicist Stephen Hawking writes that there is no God. And since it was published after his death, you just know that he’s right.

A report from the United Nations Population Fund states that 40% of births in the U.S. are to unmarried couples, most of whom are living together — at least for a little while.

Two ISIS terrorists got hair transplants in Turkey in an attempt to disguise themselves before heading to Germany for an attack. The plan was foiled when the terrorists became upset with the stylist’s color results and threatened to blow up the beauty salon.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo returned from Saudi Arabia, where he met officials to ask about the disappearance of writer Jamal Khashoggi. Pompeo said he advised “giving the Saudis a few days” to investigate. The Saudis then ramped up their investigation with bleach, new flooring & wallpaper.

Facebook has a dedicated political ‘war room’ at its headquarters, where policy, security & legal teams identify and take action to remove misinformation ahead of 2018 elections. It’s intense work, so the teams take occasional breaks to relax and make money selling users’ personal information.

Baltimore’s police union expressed its displeasure at a Saturday Night Live skit depicting female Baltimore police officers sexually harassing a man at a traffic stop. Baltimore police said it was inappropriate, and wished it was a more accurate skit depicting officers battering a suspect instead.

Friends say that Khloe Kardashian hasn’t decided whether to break up with partner Tristan Thompson, saying she needs time to decide how it will impact her family and tv ratings.

 

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President Trump warned of a rush to judgment regarding the disappearance of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who vanished after entering the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul. Critics say Trump is giving room for the Saudis to deny involvement, and a chance to give Trump tips on how to make reporters disappear.

Trump also posted a gloating tweet after Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against him was dismissed, calling her “horseface”. A self-satisfied Trump then spent an hour applying bronzer and a second hour fixing his combover.

No winners were declared in the record Mega Millions lottery, swelling the current jackpot to $868 million — and keeping revenge fantasies alive for at least two more days.

Roseanne Barr’s character on series reboot The Conners was killed off by a opioid overdose.  The fictitious death was confirmed by an autopsy, because apparently lower-middle-class nobodies get full-blown autopsies in the impoverished Midwest town where The Conners live.

Research published in medical journal PLOS Medicine suggests that people who consume large quantities of dairy fat like cheese lessen their risk of developing Type 2 diabetes — mainly because heart disease kills them before they have a chance.

North Carolina resident Jimmy Shue said that he gave his first name to a Wendy’s employee to confirm his order, but when he picked it up, the name ‘Chubby’ was written on it. Shue says he was targeted because of his weight, but a Wendy’s spokesperson said that’s the default name they put on everyone’s receipts.

Canada ended an almost-hundred-year ban on marijuana as the country legalized and regulated its sale for recreational use.  So far, the top-selling flavor is plain, followed by maple.

In Illinois, Dr. Constantino Perales was sentenced to 12 years in prison after being found guilty of giving oxycodone and Xanax prescriptions in exchange for sex. Dr Perales is expected to work in the prison infirmary, exchanging drugs for much less appealing sex.

A neuroscience professor at Emory University using MRI scans said he has proven that dogs are capable of understanding the words that humans say to them. He theorizes that cats understand human words too, they just don’t care.

Melania Trump visits Philly today for an appearance at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital to promote a new offshoot of her Be Best campaign, called Not For Nothin Youse Should, Like, Be Best — Y’Know?

 

 

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A federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation suit against President Trump, saying that Trump calling Daniels’ claims of threats & harassment “a total con job” was just ‘rhetorical hyperbole’. The judge added that he can’t really remember Trump using language that wasn’t ‘rhetorical hyperbole’.

Former American Idol Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba was arrested & charged with dealing heroin.  Her next performance will be a blues number.

Los Angeles Dodgers announcing legend Vin Scully declined an invite from Fox Sports’ Joe Buck to join him in the broadcast booth during the Dodgers/Brewers playoff game. Scully said that he wouldn’t want to get in the broadcasters’ spotlight in any way, especially if it meant listening to Joe Buck.

A Tennessee father attacked his son with a chainsaw, then lost his leg when the son ran over him with a riding lawn mower in self-defense. The father was charged with second-degree attempted murder, and neighbors were left wondering who was going to clean up the huge mess in the yard.

Lady Gaga confirmed her engagement to talent agent Christian Carino, or, as he’ll soon be known, Lord Gaga.

A New England Patriots fan who dumped beer on Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been identified and had his case turned over to local law enforcement. He has also been banned from all Gillette Stadium events – but was spotted at a local Halloween store buying a disguise for a Kenny Chesney concert.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren made public results of a DNA test that she says proves her claim of Native American heritage. The DNA was swabbed from a deck of cards at an Indian casino where she worked as a blackjack dealer.

Will Smith appeared on wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook show, ‘Red Table Talk’ to discuss a low point in their marriage. Will Smith said that his wife ” woke up and cried for 45 days straight.” Jada said that she was drinking too much, and had also just watched ‘After Earth’.

Singer Roger Daltrey said in a new memoir he discovered he had fathered three ‘secret’ daughters in the time between his first and second marriages. “Who are you? Who? Who?” he asked them.

An article by Gizmodo claims that the ‘Do Not Track’ privacy feature in web browsers doesn’t work because websites refuse to abide by it. This was noticed by a guy receiving a gift basket on his fifth anniversary buying Pornhub Premium.

 

 

 

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Two female bachelorettes competing on Asian tv show ‘Bachelor: Vietnam’ have reportedly dropped out of the competition so that they could have a romantic relationship with each other. This confused The Bachelor, who thought he was going to be part of the show’s first threesome.

A class action suit being brought by Asian-Americans is alleging racial bias in Harvard University’s student admissions process. “See, I knew it was fixed!” said an Asian kid with an 1100 combined SAT score in his dorm at Arizona State.

Apple acquired music analytics firm Asaii, which claims that its algorithms filter social media and streaming music to predict which unsigned artists will become “the next Justin Bieber.” So far, Asaii has found zero Justin Biebers and millions of Annoying Friends asking you to come watch them sing Taylor Swift covers at open mic.

Apple released a series of Apple Watch ‘how to’ videos over the weekend. They include “How to start a workout”; “How to use Emergency SOS”; and “How to corner your friends and coworkers into asking about your new Apple Watch.”

President Trump was interviewed on 60 Minutes and said that he treated alleged sexual assault victim Christine Blasey Ford with respect, adding that it doesn’t matter because “we won”. It was unclear in Trump’s mind whether “we” referred to conservatives, or men who get away with sexual assault.

Scientists at Caltech and University of Quebec have developed the world’s fastest camera, capable of capturing 10 trillion frames per second. The camera can capture the progress of a beam of light in slow motion, but the scientists’ dads still managed to take out-of-focus photos of their own necks pointing it the wrong way.

In a posthumously published book, physicist Stephen Hawking warns the unchecked growth of artificial intelligence could wipe out humanity. Hawking warns humans will need to build safeguards to slow down super robots, such as coding kill switches or making the robots want to eat at Chipotle.

Sears declared bankruptcy after being unable to make a $134 million debt payment that was due on Monday. Sears tried to raise the cash by returning truckloads of Craftsman tools and Toughskins jeans to Amazon, but they were only offered store credit.

Sony PlayStation 4 owners are reportedly seeing their consoles seize up and crash due to a malicious message. The message is from the gamers’ moms saying if they don’t get jobs, they’re smashing the PlayStation.

A new viral Facebook hoax has emerged, this one warning of the dangers of cloned accounts. Facebook says safeguards are in place to prevent cloning, but that users whose friends have a cloned account may enjoy the ability to unfriend them twice.

 

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Mohammed Dewji, Africa’s youngest billionaire, was kidnapped while using the fitness center at a luxury hotel in Tanzania. Law enforcement officials are questioning how the perpetrators got in, and others are questioning how the Ramada Inn of Tanzania qualifies as a luxury hotel.

Melania Trump claims in an interview that she’s the most bullied person in the world – citing repeated, unwanted sexual advances she gets almost every day from an overweight man in his 70s.

In the wake of Hurricane Michael’s devastating landfall, President Trump was briefed on relief efforts for the Florida panhandle. After that briefing, Trump asked for another one to discuss how the rest of the pan was doing.

Kanye West visited the White House. Cameras caught him unlocking his iPhone with the passcode 000000.  When video of the passcode went viral, West quickly asked his assistant to update it to 000001.

West told the President that he’d been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, but that the real problem was sleep deprivation. Kanye added that the sleep deficit could lead to dementia in 10 to 20 years. Trump sleeps 4 hours a night and is about 30 years older than West, so America is doing the math.

Neil Patrick Harris appeared on The View, and told host Whoopi Goldberg that when he was 15, he did a movie with her. At the end of the shoot, Harris said Goldberg told him “in 10 years time, she was going to have sex with me.” Harris told the story after being asked when he knew he was gay.

Researchers in China have successfully bred mice from same-sex parents. The mice pups from two female parents survived, but the mice pups bred from two male parents died soon after birth, because the two dads were terrible at both breastfeeding and cooking.

A man who identified himself as a police officer from Mexico was caught with 50 pounds of methamphetamine in his car after being pulled over in Southern California. Asked what he doing with all of the meth, he said he was Door Prize Coordinator for the Mexican Policeman’s Ball.

A 2017 study from the American Cancer Society shows that obesity is the cause for sharply rising colorectal cancer rates among people in their 20s and 30s, and in their 200s and 300s.

Google Translate can now visually translate 13 more languages by using the camera on your smartphone, including Punjabi, Thai, Tamil, Vietnamese and more. Users can now more easily scan foreign-language restaurant menus to see which foods will give them crippling stomach cramps and diarrhea.

The Mormon Church is encouraging women – but not men – to leave social media for 10 days.  “Okay, you got 10 days, go get yourselves laid” said the head of the Mormon Church to Mormon men.

 

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Hurricane Michael roared into the Florida Panhandle as a Category 4 storm. The official death toll stands at two persons, but some worry that will rise as they reach more remote areas. On the bright side, the storm closed 18 Waffle Houses so officials said that’ll save some lives.

Kylie Jenner revealed she’s using lip fillers again. “Wait, let’s hear more about this!” said a family whose home was destroyed by Hurricane Michael.

In a study published in Scientific Reports, scientists in Spain developed a self-replicating form of quantum artificial life. Other scientists dismissed the report when they found the self-replication of a new life was just turning Super Mario into Mini Mario.

Owner of the NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars, Shad Khan, is said to be exploring the tax implication of playing home games in London, but keeping the team based in Jacksonville. He’s also said to be exploring the implications of retraining football hooligans to become American football hooligans.

Audiophiles have a new “listening bar” in London called Moonglow. The café will be equipped with high-end sound for visitors to enjoy music while they sip coffee and drinks in between pummeling writers who wreck the vibe by clicking on their laptop.

CNN host Don Lemon is being called racist for his statement that rapper Kanye West is “the token negro of the Trump administration.” Lemon’s supporters, however, countered that there’s been a staff opening ever since Omarosa’s departure.

City Works Eatery & Pour House, a gigantic sports bar, is opening at Disney Springs at Orlando, Florida’s Walt Disney World Resort. The bar will feature over 80 beers on tap, and a special team of bouncers assigned to keep Snow White, Ariel & the other Princesses from being harassed.

The U.S. Postal Service is proposing its largest rate hike since 1991, taking the price of a Forever stamp to 55 cents. A spokesperson said the rate hike is due to Forever seeming a lot longer since the Trump administration started.

Former UFC and current WWE star Ronda Rousey called fellow wrestlers Nikki & Brie Bella “a bunch of untrustworthy bitches”.  Rousey defends her title against Nikki in the WWE Evolution all-women pay-per-view event – a series of all-female battles with fixed outcomes bought by horny male losers striking a huge victory for feminism.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has reportedly ordered a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. The investigation stems from Roberts’ butthurt omission from getting free Washington Nationals tickets that Kavanaugh reportedly incurred a six-figure debt to purchase.