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The NBA Dallas Mavericks are investigating complaints of sexual harassment by their front office executives, and complaints from players that they’re running out of groupies to sexually harass.

According to a USA Today poll, 94% of women in Hollywood claim they’ve been victims of sexual harassment or assault. The remaining 6% are believed dead.

A 22-year-old driver in Detroit lost control of their vehicle and died after striking a giant pothole. Emergency responders arrived, circled the pothole with white paint, and left.

Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines showed off its new Symphony of the Seas, the largest passenger cruise ship in history.  The name Symphony of the Seas comes from the sound of hundreds of passengers with norovirus vomiting at the same time.

Retired hero pilot ‘Sully’ Sullenberger weighed in on controversy surrounding EPA Chief Scott Pruitt’s flying first class because it’s safer than coach. “First class is not safer than economy” said Sullenberger; adding “especially if you’re landing in a river.”

The Transportation Security Authority said that they found 104 firearms in carry-on bags at airports between February 5th and 11th, a new one-week record. 87 of the guns were loaded and 38 had a live round in the chamber, because people flying Southwest really want that aisle seat.

The Philadelphia Eagles filed for a trademark to own the phrase “Philly Special” – the name of their Super Bowl trick play. They face an uphill fight against South Philly prostitutes, who claim they’ve used the phrase to describe a $50 deal on sex that comes with a free pretzel.

A new Quinnipiac University poll finds that 97 percent of Americans want universal background checks for gun buyers, although the other 3 percent said they’d probably want them, too, if you put a gun to their head.

Uber announced a new carpooling service called Uber Express Pool, which it says will cost half as much as Uber Pool. The service works like a bus, where a small group of Uber passengers go to a shared pickup spot, get in, and eat/fart/masturbate until arriving at their stop.

Former Des Moines, Iowa TV meteorologist Frank Scaglione was reportedly banned from visiting his former high school for pursuing underage boys through social media. Scaglione’s attorney denied the charges, saying he was just offering to show the boys what a warm front looks like.

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New research from the University of Bristol confirms that plants colonized Earth 100 million years earlier than originally thought. The findings were based off of crude cave drawings depicting early man smoking plants, coupled with terrible poetry and song lyrics written on cave walls after they smoked.

Danica Patrick was involved in a six-car pileup that prevented her from finishing the Daytona 500. It happened in an Ulta parking lot.

Defense Secretary James Mattis is expected to release his new policy on transgender troops in the military, to coincide with the kickoff of Armed Forces Fashion Week.

Juul – a new vaping device whose pods deliver as much nicotine as a full pack of cigarettes – is under scrutiny from lawmakers. Pods come in flavors such as creme brulee, mango and fruit medley, raising concern that Juul is targeting children. Execs denied that claim at a press conference to introduce new Cap’n Crunch Juul pods.

A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing when a fight broke out among passengers bothered by a fellow passenger’s nonstop farting. The angry passengers were unable to move, because rectal turbulence forced the captain to keep the fasten-seatbelt light on.

Daytona 500 champion Austin Dillon commemorated his victory by getting a tattoo on his buttocks. Since it was a NASCAR event, he had his choice of 20 places to get it done without leaving the track.

The Olympic Broadcasting Service (OBS) is being criticized for airing a replay of French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis’ routine, where her top broke and exposed her breast and nipple. OBS defended their decision, saying Papadakis’ performance is the highest-rated tv show in North Korean history.

Kourtney Kardashian revealed that she weighs just 98 pounds – a detail shared in a deleted scene of E!’s ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, where Kourtney sits on one end of a seesaw, while sister Kim sits on the other end and sends Kourtney to the hospital.

Michelle Obama tweeted congratulations to the makers of ‘Black Panther’ after seeing the film, writing “because of you, young people will finally see superheroes that look like them on the big screen.” Her message was received with confusion by young, white Amazon girls.

The White House said that President Trump will participate in a pair of “listening sessions” on school safety this week — one with NRA lobbyists, and another with students at the Professional Golf Association Tour School.

 

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KFC temporarily closed hundreds of restaurants in the United Kingdom because they’ve run out of chicken. The closures have resulted in an unexpected surge in U.K. gun sales to nervous cats, small dogs and large rodents.

Switzerland banned boiling live lobsters, but also passed legislation legalizing assisted shellfish suicide.

  • Going forward, seafood restaurants will be required to offer Lobster Hospice.

ABC Networks recently revealed that it tests contestants on ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ for sexually transmitted diseases; this, after penicillin and Valtrex pills kept falling out of the roses.

President Trump took to Twitter to criticize Oprah Winfrey’s interviews with Michigan voters that aired on ’60 Minutes’, meaning efforts by Trump aides to distract him with with the NBA Mascot Slam Dunk Competition were unsuccessful.

Google claims its artificial intelligence can predict heart disease or stroke by looking at a person’s retinal images. The technology seeks out specific patterns in retinal vessels, and reflections of Hooters waitresses.

Marvel’s “Black Panther” brought in $192 million during its three-day North American debut, shattering records for ticket sales and audience comments directed at the screen.

A family of 23 people was removed from the Carnival Legend after inciting repeated brawls during the ship’s cruise of the Australian coast. Other passengers who say their trips were ruined by the fighting were insulted by Carnival’s conciliatory offer of 25% off a future cruise. Carnival then countered by upping the offer to include a kangaroo bodyguard.

Aleksandr Krushelnitckii, Russian bronze medalist in mixed doubles curling, is under suspicion of doping after his first sample tested positive for meldonium. Krushelnitckii defended himself, saying the performance-enhancing drugs were for sex with his hot wife & Internet sensation Anastasia Bryzgalova, since curling requires no athletic talent.

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting a “First Lady style” welcome when she visits Pyeongchang for the Olympics — meaning, a bed three rooms away from her husband’s in a room that locks from the inside.

French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis left the ice in tears after her halter top became unhooked during her program, exposing the bottom of her breast. Papadakis and partner Guillaume Cizeron received a combined score of 81.93, which was weighed down by an individual score of ‘Take It All Off’ from a since-removed U.S.A. judge.

 

 

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Google’s Chrome web browser released an update to block ads deemed most annoying by a coalition of internet users.  Porn sites immediately complained of difficulty notifying the winners of free iPads and $500 gift cards.

A new experimental treatment completely reversed Alzheimer’s Disease in mice by reducing levels of a single enzyme in the animals’ brains. “Now I remember where the cheese is!” said a cured mouse before running to his death in a baited trap.

Amy Schumer and new boyfriend, award-winning chef Chris Fischer, married on Tuesday in Malibu, California. The couple have only dated three months, but Schumer knew he was ‘the one’ once he made it through 25 minutes of The Leather Special. 

The White House said that President Trump is planning a visit to the site of the latest deadly school shooting. Not because children died from gun violence, he was just headed to Florida, anyway.

  • The President will meet with families at a $1,000-a-Condolence dinner at Mar-A-Lago.

Mitt Romney announced that he’s running for a Senate seat in Utah. Romney, a Mormon, is the consensus nominee for the Shoo-In Party.

Actor Alexander Polinsky joined his costar Nicole Eggert in leveling charges of on-set abuse against Scott Baio, leading investigators to question if Charles was in charge, who was in charge of Charles?

A woman who didn’t want to let go of her purse knelt on all fours and followed it through a pre-boarding x-ray machine at a train station in China. She was jailed for exceeding the 3 ounce limit with a bottle of hand lotion.

Charles Barkley admitted in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel that he played a game “blasted” drunk after day-drinking to celebrate a trade from the Philadelphia 76ers to the L.A. Lakers that fell through. Although, at the time, people could tell Barkley was disoriented because he can be seen in game footage trying to play defense.

Disney announced that Toy Story Land, the new themed addition to Disney’s Hollywood Studios Orlando, will open on June 30. Parents are disappointed that there won’t be a bar where they could go to catch a Buzz and get a Woody.

The White House dismissed a New Yorker article exposing Donald Trump’s “system” for concealing infidelity as fake news. “Why would he cheat with Karen McDougal when he already had a woman with brown hair?” said a spokesperson.

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Historians discovered a lock of George Washington’s hair inside of a 1793 almanac. The hair was believed to be a gift from Washington to Alexander Hamilton’s son James and his wife, who were registered at a furniture store but, no, this lock of hair is great.

South African President Jacob Zuma resigned after intense pressure from his political party ANC. A spokesperson for ANC said “all we want to see is Zuma zoom zoom.”

Apple’s new HomePod smart speaker is reportedly leaving ring-shaped stains on furniture. Apple will charge $79 to remove them, or, if enough people bitch about it, $29.

Lena Dunham underwent a total hysterectomy as she battles endometriosis and nobody talking about her that much anymore.

A wheelchair-bound 75-year-old woman nicknamed “Kingpin Granny” is accused of trafficking illegal opioids from her Tennessee home. She was released on $50,000 bond, despite prosecutors arguing that while she wasn’t so much a flight risk, she was a rollaway &/or death risk.

55-year-old Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee is engaged to 31-year-old Vine star Brittany Furlan. They bonded over the fact that both Motley Crue and Vine don’t exist anymore. This will be Lee’s fourth failed marriage and Furlan’s first.

President Trump offered prayers to the families impacted by the latest deadly school shooting, because as a “stable genius”, he knows how effective that is.

Stormy Daniels has been advised that Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s public admission of a $130,000 payment he made to her voids a non-disclosure agreement, leaving her free to tell her side of an alleged affair with Trump. Daniels hasn’t decided what form her tell-all would be, but most are ruling out a TED Talk.

Netflix canceled 18 shows, saying that most just ran out of stream.

McDonald’s announced that they’re removing cheeseburgers as an option in Happy Meals, following the release of the McDonaldland Coroner’s autopsy report from Hamburglar’s lesser-known brother, Cheeseburglar.

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President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen claims he paid $130,000 out of pocket to porn actress-slash-stripper Stormy Daniels, and was not reimbursed by any Trump organization. Cohen also said that the $130,000 was for Daniels to spend 130 nights with different Make-A-Wish kids.

Amy Schumer announced via Instagram that she has a new boyfriend, a celebrity chef. Next month Schumer debuts her new Netflix special, telling an hour of her favorite original recipes.

AAA released its newest list of Five Diamond hotels, their highest rating. “Maybe next year” said the manager of the newly-remodeled Motel 6 in Northeast Philadelphia.

A viral video is making the rounds of a gigantic wild boar in Hong Kong — dubbed “Pigzilla” — eating out of a dumpster. It’s the biggest boar to be spotted in an Asian nation since Mike Pence arrived in South Korea for the Olympics. [h/t to my friend Paul O., who first made a variation on this joke at the Indiana State Fair]

Amazon is laying off hundreds of employees. Estimates are as high as 400 lost jobs – 200 drones, and 200 people holding the remotes.

A judge, a pastor, and an actor were arrested in a prostitution sting in Naples, Florida. Officials called it ‘a joke setup that needs a little work.’

Shaun White won Olympic gold in snowboard halfpipe, then addressed sexual harassment allegations settled in 2016, where he sent the female drummer in his band pictures of erect fullpipe.

An Arizona woman went to bed with a bad headache and woke up with a British accent. Medical professionals say she has a rare condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome, or ‘Madonnaitis.’

Two mothers in Washington state claim that staffers at their children’s daycare waxed their eyebrows without permission. “Do you want your daughter to win the pageant or don’t you?” asked a daycare worker who requested anonymity.

The U.S. Bureau of Prisons is apparently so short-staffed with guards, that prison nurses and cooks are filling in. The bad news is that the workers fear for their safety; the good news is that prisoners are learning to stitch their own shiv wounds and get advice on food pairings with toilet wine.

 

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Some parents are boycotting the film Peter Rabbit over a scene where Peter shoots a blackberry into his human nemesis’ mouth, triggering an allergic anaphylactic shock. These parents are also demanding that MGM reedit Tom & Jerry cartoons to depict accurate cranial hemorrhaging when Tom is struck with a frying pan, instead of his skull taking on the shape of the pan.

Toronto, Canada serial killer suspect Bruce McArthur was a seasonal Santa Claus at the Agincourt Mall. No incidents were reported during his time in the mall as Santa, but police detectives say several of the alleged killer’s victims weren’t that great at making cookies.

Vanessa Trump, wife of Donald Trump, Jr, was taken to a New York hospital after opening an envelope addressed to her husband containing a suspicious white substance. Melania Trump expressed her regret, saying when she saw the white powder she thought it was finally time to party.

An 84-year-old California woman was arrested for firing a handgun toward her neighbor’s children because they were “being noisy”. Betty Sanders fired the gun at children, ages 8 to 10, as they rode toy motorcycles in a yard just 20 feet away. Sanders was charged with suspicion of assault, child endangerment, and being a terrible shot.

South Korean officials have confirmed 194 cases of norovirus at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics; everyone else skipped the North Korean kimchi in the cafeteria.

New data from the Brookings Institution ranks the ten cities where millennials most want to move. Topping the list is Colorado Springs, Colorado. Regarding the reasons for their ranking, millennials cited legal marijuana and…that’s about it.

A 38-year-old Texas teacher and mother of two died from the flu, after refusing to take prescription Tamiflu because it cost $116. Burial arrangements are pending, once her husband finds the price he wants on a shovel at Home Depot.

A Utah elementary school told students they “must say yes” if asked to dance at the school Valentine’s Day party. School officials say the policy is to “promote kindness”, but also say they’ve been buried by ticket requests to the party from suspicious adult men.

An Oregon woman has become the first person in the world to have her eye infested by tiny worms that are ordinarily found only in cattle. Doctors removed 12 of the worms and advised that she avoid breastfeeding for a while.

Lavar Ball said that his son Lonzo won’t re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers unless his younger brothers LiAngelo and LaMelo are also signed – a demand that the Lakers called Lidiculous.

Gun maker Remington Arms is filing for bankruptcy. They plan to file reorganization plans in court, or just shoot their way out of it.

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Former NFL QB Johnny Manziel said he’s planning a comeback. Manziel said that he’s been on medication to treat bipolar disorder, which he hopes will give him the mental focus he needs to land an NFL roster spot and contract CTE.

President Trump is set to unveil his $1.5 trillion infrastructure plan – undocumented immigrants resealing the parking lots and cart paths at all of his golf courses and hotels.

Journalists at the Winter Olympics are abuzz over the ‘Bullet Man’ statues outside the press Olympic Village. The three statues are of nude men wearing smooth helmets obscuring their faces while they stand at attention. Vice President Mike Pence refused to look at the statues and ordered them into conversion therapy.

Southwest Airlines cancelled all 220 of its flights from Chicago Midway Airport on Sunday due to a shortage of de-icing fluid. A spokesperson said that due to the scary weather, nervous flyers drank it all.

Delta Airlines previewed its new crew uniforms from designer Zac Posen. Posen worked as a flight attendant and gate agent to ensure that the clothing remained comfortable while workers verbally abuse passengers and drag them off of aircraft.

Barack and Michelle Obama’s official portraits were unveiled at the Smithsonian. “Where are the solid gold lions?” asked an anonymous White House critic.

McDonald’s is ending its partnership with the International Olympic Committee and will no longer create Olympic-themed ads and promotions. McDonald’s and the IOC both cited the large expense of Olympic sponsorship, but declined comment about athletes’ accusations of unwelcome contact during past Olympics by Grimace.

Katie Couric angered Dutch Olympic fans by falsely claiming that Dutch dominance in speed skating is a result of residents skating on frozen canals to get around Amsterdam. She then angered Norwegians by claiming most businesspeople in Norway commute to work by ski jumping.

Tinder announced that they’re rolling out a new set of location-based features later this year. Speculation is that Tinder plans to move beyond being a hookup site and focus on being more of a social network, in order to expand in to the lucrative stalking and bullying markets.

For the third time in three weeks, a man has been reported masturbating in the New York City subway – highlighting the dangerous underreporting of men masturbating in the New York City subway.

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A Florida boy had to be rescued after he climbed inside of a toy claw machine in a restaurant lobby. Rescuers removed the boy, over the objections of his sister who demanded that they rescue a stuffed bear instead.

  • The boy was removed from the claw machine unharmed, so owners of the restaurant are now charging $10/hour for other diners to leave their children in it.

White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter resigned after reports he physically abused both of his two ex-wives. The White House hopes Porter is the last of the abusers on staff, but just in case they’re cancelling the ‘Win A Dream Date With Stephen Miller’ contest.

  • President Trump was reportedly ‘disheartened’, ‘surprised’ and ‘saddened’ by the reports of Porter’s spousal abuse, but told Porter to buck up, he can still be President someday.

Vladimir Putin admits that he doesn’t have a smartphone, saying that he already spends too much time on Facebook and Twitter making thousands of political posts each day.

Defense Secretary James Mattis said that undocumented ‘Dreamers’ currently enlisted in the U.S. military will not be deported;  rather, they’ll be sent on all-expenses-paid trips to exotic destinations such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

A California woman’s post – showing disgusting fungus & bacteria grown in a petri dish held under a restroom hand dryer – has gone viral. The maker of the hand dryer, World Dryer, challenged the photo, saying that the woman should have wiped the petri dish on her pants to properly complete the hand drying process.

L.L. Bean has cut back its legendary ‘Lifetime Return Policy’ to one year. So you’d better hope barn coats come back in style.

Samsung may have violated United Nations economic sanctions by giving Galaxy Note 8 phones to Olympic athletes from North Korea. Samsung dismissed the criticism, saying that the phones won’t work anyway on North Korea’s leading cell provider: Un Mobile.

President Trump signed a budget bill to avert the latest threat of a government shutdown, allowing White House employees to return to work backstabbing and sexually harassing each other.

 

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The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.