By |

A Chicago woman in her 20s received a rare double-lung transplant after recovering from COVID-19. “What a set of lungs!” said men looking at her, for a different reason than usual.

A couple in Thailand was sentenced to 723 years in prison for pulling a scam on customers of their seafood restaurant. The scam was opening a Long John Silver’s.

A new book claims Melania Trump renegotiated her prenuptial agreement as a condition of moving to the White House. The contract’s White House Amendment was added just below the Banging Porn Stars Amendment.

Pro golfers gathered in Fort Worth, Texas for the Charles Schwab Challenge, as the PGA Tour resumed inaction.

Fox News evening host Sean Hannity is reportedly dating Fox & Friends morning host Ainsley Earhardt. Hannity would not confirm, saying “I do not discuss my personal life in public … only crazy conspiracy theories and bigotry.”

Seattle protestors took over several Capitol Hill city blocks to create a police-free Autonomous Zone. It has a smoking area, a medic station, several shrines to victims of police violence, and six Starbucks.

Kelly Clarkson filed for divorce from husband Brandon Blackstock. She changed the title of her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone’ to ‘Now That U Gone’.

Wayne Brady’s Instagram post – a Whose Line Is It Anyway? improv sketch about racism -has gone viral, marking the first time millions of people willingly watched improv.

Google’s video-calling app, Google Meet, rolled out noise cancellation to minimize background annoyances like dogs barking and keyboard clicks. Though some users claim noise cancellation results in their bosses’ ideas going silent.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner celebrated the five-year anniversary of their parent Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transition, which they commemorated with a platinum Life Alert bracelet.

By |

A command for iPhones “Siri I’m getting pulled over” reportedly video records police and texts a contact to let them know what’s happening. Siri then gives tips on where to hide your drugs and directions for the upcoming high-speed chase.

Referees in Monday’s Steelers/Dolphins game took ten minutes to review a coaches challenge of an apparent first down. They said it took so long because as they reviewed video, they switched channels to see who was eliminated on Dancing With The Stars.

O.J. Simpson said the 2-5 Cleveland Browns should hire University of Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh to replace their current head coach Freddie Kitchens after they stab Kitchens to death.

Politicians criticized the Washington crowd at the World Series for booing and chanting “lock him up” at President Trump. A fan etiquette expert from Philadelphia said the proper behavior was to throw batteries or, if seated close enough to the President, vomit on him.

KMart in Australia pulled a children’s ‘Bride’ Halloween costume from its shelves after protests from parents. They say the costumes will either be destroyed, or shipped to Mississippi at the request of multiple wedding planners.

Actor/wrestler John Cena said that his dating philosophy isn’t ‘gender specific’ – that he’s willing to date both women and girls.

Caitlyn Jenner turned 70, but says she feels like a five-year-old woman.

Apple released iOS 13.2, including 398 new emoji, making it even easier for you to give up looking for the one you want.

Juul is eliminating 500 jobs. Impacted employees waiting to hear about their severance packages are being told “vape ’em if you got ’em.”

Director Olivia Wilde criticized Delta Airlines for showing an in-flight version of her film ‘Booksmart’ that edited out girls kissing and the word lesbian. A Delta spokesperson said the move was to distract people from the rest of the awful Delta inflight experience.

 

By |

President Trump named Mick Mulvaney acting chief of staff. Trump had met with former NJ Governor Chris Christie to take the job. Christie was rumored to be on the short list, and also on the obese list.

A report from Oxford University found that a Russian disinformation campaign used every major social media platform to share content geared to elect Donald Trump. It was so far-reaching, Russians issued 10 million tweets, 61 thousand Facebook posts, and even made Trump’s LinkedIn profile look pretty good.

Angela Ponce of Spain became the first transgender woman to compete in the Miss Universe pageant. Ponce did not make the Top 20, despite winning the bench press competition.

Spice Girl Mel ‘Scary Spice’ B posted photos to Instagram after suffering a severed hand and broken ribs in an accident. She’s expected to make a full recovery. Asked if injures would disrupt singing and dancing for the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour, Scary said no, since she could never sing or dance to begin with.

Offset crashed wife Cardi B’s performance at the Rolling Loud Festival in Los Angeles over the weekend, showing a floral arrangement reading TAKE ME BACK CARDI. Cardi refused, despite Offset’s promise to include her in all his future threesomes.

Former Today Show host Megyn Kelly debuted a new short haircut. Kelly said the short hair makes it easier to put on the afro wig she bought for next year’s Halloween costume.

Merriam-Webster named ‘justice’ its Word of the Year for 2018, citing a large increase in look-ups for the word – though many are believed to be confused parents trying to find the teen girls’ clothing store of the same name.

  • ‘Justice’ succeeds 2017’s Word of the Year, ‘feminism’ — President Trump is already pretty sick of them both.

Following the Chicago Bears’ win over the Green Bay Packers, Bears left tackle Charles Leno Jr proposed marriage on the sidelines to his girlfriend, Jennifer Roth. Roth said yes, and Leno entered the concussion protocol.

RadarOnline reports that 69-year-old Caitlyn Jenner and her partner, 22-year-old Sophia Hutchins, are planning to marry and welcome a baby in 2019. They’re reportedly exploring adoption or having a surrogate carry Sophia’s egg and Caitlyn’s sperm.

An autonomous food delivery robot operated by Berkeley, California startup Kiwi, burst into flames on a sidewalk during a delivery on Friday. The robot left a note saying it couldn’t live with itself any longer for delivering all of those Arby’s sandwiches.

 

 

By |

Red Lobster will no longer give plastic straws to customers unless they ask. The chain said they want to do what’s right for the environment, and that too many of their less intelligent customers were suffocating trying to suck up shrimp.

Apple announced that its newest update, iOS 12.1, will add 70 new emoji — part of its ongoing mission to allow illiterate people with iPhones the ability to communicate entirely through pictures.

The NFL indefinitely suspended linebacker Mychal Hendricks, who plead guilty to charges of insider trading. No word on plans for an appeal from the NFL Players Association, who called the punishment “the smartest reason ever” for a player missing an NFL game.

Travelers entering New Zealand face a $3,200 fine if they refuse to give border agents the password to their smartphone. So far, a dozen people cooperating with the law have been jailed for having the password ‘F*CKOFF’.

The ‘Sober October’ movement is growing. Retailers are expressing concern that, without the assistance of alcohol to lower inhibitions, Halloween costumes will now have to be sluttier than ever.

Microsoft introduced new $349 Surface Headphones. Microsoft said the headphones will cancel noise, and that Microsoft will cancel support for them when they decide in a year that they don’t want to make headphones anymore.

Amazon announced the Fire Stick TV 4K – its most powerful streaming stick ever. It ships from Amazon in October, and from the guy who hacks it so you can watch bootleg cable in early November.

Sources told TMZ that newlyweds Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber don’t consider themselves truly married because they haven’t yet had a church wedding to have their love witnessed by God. In response, God said there’s no rush, that he’s fine just witnessing them having sex.

68-year-old Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly in a relationship with 21-year-old transgender woman Sophia Hutchins. Jenner offered no comment on the May/December romance, or, more specifically, the May, 1950/December, 1997 romance.

At 2:18p.m. Wednesday, FEMA will test the new Presidential Alert System, with messages sent to billions of Americans’ mobile phones. At 2:19p.m., millions of attractive young women will be asking who sent them a dick pic.

 

By |

President Trump banned transgender Americans from serving in the military. E! Network announced it’s scrapping plans for a new reality series, ‘Colonel Caitlyn’.

No word yet on how Defense Secretary James Mattis will handle the thousands of transgender enlisted personnel, though some say he’s in favor of giving them all an Honorable Red Carpet Discharge.

Senator John McCain slammed Trump’s use of Twitter to make major policy announcements, saying that’s what National Boy Scout Jamboree speeches are for.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told a radio show that he will stop his office from leaking to the press, and that his staff needs to stop acting like “Mean Girls”. Meanwhile, Donald ‘Regina George’ Trump took to Twitter to burn Jeff Sessions to “stop trying to make Russia happen”.

  • Scaramucci already fired one staffer, and rumors are flying that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders may soon be gone from The Plastics.

President Trump and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are set to announce that Apple partner Foxconn will open Apple assembly plants in Wisconsin. The plants are expected to lift the state economy — Foxconn has already scheduled Job Fairs for local 12 and 13-year olds.

Adobe said that it’s killing the Adobe Flash plug-in by 2020, giving your grandparents ample time to find another reason why their darn computer isn’t working.

Britain announced that it will phase out all gasoline and diesel cars in 2040. The world awaits the clever term they’ll use for ‘electric’ the way they use ‘petrol’ for gas.

The Pentagon is under fire for blowing $28 million on ‘woodland’ camouflage for Afghani soldiers, when just 2% of the terrain is woodlands, and many other free camo patterns were available. The Defense Department acknowledged the error, saying soldiers should have received camouflage that looked like blown-up buildings.

Lyft is trialing ‘Taco Mode’ in California – in which a driver will show up and whisk a rider to the nearest Taco Bell. The rider can then choose a ride back home or to the nearest hospital.

  • Pending a successful trial, Lyft has already readied “Fry Mode” for McDonald’s, “Frosty Mode” for Wendy’s, and “Suicide Mode” for Arby’s.

Atlanta Falcon Julio Jones hired a dive team to find a $150,000 earring he lost while riding a Jet Ski in Georgia’s Lake Lanier. The divers failed to find the earring, citing the darkness at the lake’s bottom and all of the corpses in their way.

A California man was arrested for smuggling exotic animals when U.S. Customs intercepted a shipment to his house from Hong Kong, containing King Cobras packed in cans of potato chips. Additionally several U.S. Customs agents were treated for snake bites and suspended for stealing potato chips.

By |

Disney Parks announced a makeover to Epcot Center – among the changes, a new roller coaster to replace a theater show about energy. Disney assured longtime Epcot fans that the roller coaster will be boring.

McDonalds’ smartphone app crashed on National Ice Cream Day, the same day users were promised a free vanilla cone. McDonalds apologized, telling customers that it isn’t real ice cream anyway.

The bag used by Neil Armstrong to collect moon rocks and dust during his Apollo mission is to be auctioned off. The bag is expected to fetch upward of $2 Million, but good luck finding the shoes to go with it.

Donald Trump attended the final rounds of the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships at Trump’s course in New Jersey. He tweeted his excitement that an amateur golfer led the tournament in its final round; since an amateur can’t collect the prize money, Trump figured he could have it.

Arizona Senator John McCain underwent surgery to remove a blood clot near his eye. Said President Trump “I like Senators who don’t get blood clots.”

Caitlyn Jenner said that she’s considering a run for a Senate seat in California, in order to promote transgender rights and Republican values. When asked what that means, she said she didn’t know, but since she’s a woman now, she figures anything is possible.

Jenner’s announcement raises the possibility that she and Kid Rock could both be U.S. Senators — and remember how hard everyone laughed when Gopher from The Love Boat was elected to Congress.

A woman UFC fighter started a GoFundMe to cover expenses to prepare for her September fight, and for her October/November/December concussion symptoms.

Florida police found a man’s stash of cocaine in a Cookie Monster doll during a traffic stop. They eagerly await a search warrant for the man’s Big Bird doll.

Actress  Jodie Whittaker will be the first woman to portray Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a scientist who can travel through time, but will now find a way to be late getting ready for stuff.

Actor & New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip on a $83 check at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Wahlberg says that after the meal, his large intestine was Hangin Tough.

Denver Broncos WR Cody Latimer is under scrutiny for his part in a brawl earlier this year in a Dayton Ohio strip club. Latimer said that he was trying to break up a fight between an bouncer and his uncle, and that he also regrets having a family reunion at a strip club.