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Britney Spears is reportedly working on new music for the first time in six years. She’s struggling to rhyme ‘conservatorship’.

Alcohol-related deaths increased 25% during the pandemic – and 90% in households where in-laws moved in.

A Los Angeles driver sent a rented Tesla Model S airborne at a steep intersection, crashing into parked cars before fleeing on foot. Police are offering a reward for information leading to the capture of Elon Knelon.

‘Maury‘ is ending after 30 years. Povich’s wife Connie Chung looks forward to a dinner conversation that isn’t about pregnant single women.

Kanye West’s Grammy performance was cancelled by producers, citing his “concerning online behavior” and “music that threatens the life of his ex-wife’s boyfriend”.

The Cleveland Browns claim they did “extensive research” before acquiring accused sex criminal Deshaun Watson in a trade. As a result of their research, some of the women accusing Watson are now also suing Cleveland Browns personnel execs.

Applebee’s claims they want to be “more like McDonald’s and less like Olive Garden”. Either way, someone is gonna be disappointed on Mother’s Day.

Equifax, Experian & TransUnion credit reporting agencies say they’ll remove medical debt from credit reports. Since then, they’ve been inundated with requests from people with lousy credit scores saying they went to med school at University of Phoenix.

Dating app company Match Group launched Stir, a dating app for single parents. There’s a free version, and a Premium version that costs $89.99 of your child support money.

Justin Bieber’s wife, Hailey, was briefly hospitalized for evaluation of a brain condition – unrelated to extended conversations with Justin Bieber.

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Equifax has been awarded a $7 million contract by the IRS to help prevent fraudulent tax claims; Equifax auditors then announced that they’re missing $7 million.

A 900 year-old Chinese bowl sold for $38 Million. The bowl was in remarkable condition, except for a scratches from crab legs piled so high that no one else at the buffet got any.

Melania Trump will travel with the President to Las Vegas in the wake of Sunday’s deadly shooting. There are reports that she wants to donate blood. The Red Cross has asked her what type, and she said “rich”.

  • In addition to her request to donate blood, she also asked for a donated pint of blood to drink on the ride home.
  • Observers could tell the trip to Las Vegas was a somber occasion, since Melania chose black stiletto heels instead of her disaster-relief get-‘er-done blue ones.

President Trump told reporters before traveling to Las Vegas that he believes it will be difficult to bring relief there since it’s in the middle of a desert – a big, hot desert..made of sand.

Melania wore white jeans while visiting Puerto Rico with President Trump on Tuesday. Responding to criticism regarding wearing white after Labor Day, the First Lady said she almost broke a sweat handing out paper towels, so it was still Labor Day to her.

Dan Evans, Great Britain’s 4th-ranked tennis professional, was suspended for one year after testing positive for cocaine — said a line judge.

Tim Murphy, a Pennsylvania Republican congressman who co-sponsored a bill to criminalize abortions after 20 weeks, reportedly texted his mistress to get an abortion during a pregnancy scare. When the mistress confronted the Congressman about his hypocrisy, he told her to sit tight for 20 weeks while he figured things out.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson spoke publicly to reassert his commitment to the job, following published reports that he called President Trump a ‘moron’ and threatened to quit over the summer. The conference ended with Tillerson receiving a call from Air Force One, as a photo of the President and the word ‘Moron’ appeared on his smartphone.

A woman lost her finger in a chain link fence while watching her child’s tee ball game. She was removed from the crowd when her son was called out at home, and she flipped off the umpire by tossing her detached finger at him.

Apple released its second update to iOS11, this time to fix a “crackling” noise that users reported hearing on calls while using iPhone 8, that was totally not because someone was listening in on them said the State Department and CEO Tim Cook.

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88% of Puerto Rico residents are still without cell phone service. The outage most severely impacts T-Mobile customers, who aren’t really sure they ever had service to begin with.

Three U.S. scientists will share the Nobel Prize for physics for their detection of gravitational waves – the stretching & squeezing of space-time occurring when massive objects accelerate. They were able to successfully prove the existence of a black hole formed at the entrance of a Popeye’s Chicken when it opens for lunch.

National Geographic compiled a list of 10 huge discoveries that should have been Nobel Prize winners, but weren’t. The list includes the World Wide Web, the Human Genome, Dark Matter – and Donald Trump’s combover.

Chaotic scenes played out in Spain following a Catalonian referendum on independence. A Quinnipiac poll asked 1,000 Americans what they thought of Catalonia; 50 were in favor of independence, 50 were against, 800 said they didn’t know, and 100 said it was their favorite Bob Seger song.

Former Equifax CEO Richard Smith is set to testify before Congress on Tuesday, and he’ll remain in Washington DC for three more days of hearings. He’s trying to find a couch to crash on, since none of his credit cards are being accepted at hotels.

  • Equifax admitted this week that another 2.5 million records had been stolen; even more may be added to the total as Eastern European hackers staff up for the Holidays.

Warren Buffett announced that his Berkshire Hathaway will buy a majority ownership stake in truck stop company Pilot Flying J.  The news was welcomed by meth dealers and prostitutes who will finally have tuition reimbursement and 401Ks.

 

Following Sunday night’s horrific shooting in Las Vegas, President Trump led the nation in a moment of silence Monday afternoon, and was awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.

A coalition of 40 Roman Catholic organizations in the ‘Global Catholic Climate Movement’ announced that they will no longer invest in fossil fuels – choosing, instead, to shift their funds to creationist fuels.

Senator Elizabeth Warren told Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan that he should be fired, at which point President Trump burst into the Senate Banking Committee hearing to accuse Pocahontas of stealing his line.

 

 

 

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Meghan McCain – daughter of GOP Senator John McCain – is joining the cast of The View, saying she wants to honor her father by being tortured for several years.

IKEA has acquired on-demand labor company TaskRabbit, whose contract laborers make money on odd jobs, like assembling IKEA furniture. TaskRabbit lawyers are struggling with the contract, since it’s written entirely in pictures.

A Broadway musical based on the life and music of Cher is set to debut in 2018, although producers wonder if they’ll ever be able to find a Cher impersonator.

Delta Airlines will offer free in-flight texting. Passengers can now contact their friends-with-benefits to ask ‘U up? Get me at the airport?’

A school librarian in Cambridge Massachusetts refused a shipment of 10 Dr Seuss books sent from Melania Trump as part of a reading initiative. The librarian said the Seuss books were ‘cliched’, and Melania had scribbled question marks in the margins next to words she didn’t understand.

Melania Trump met with families whose members died from opioid overdoses at a gathering at the White House. After the listening session, Mrs. Trump said she wished she could have been there to help addicts find nude modeling jobs and hook up with rich guys.

Children in the Chidza village of Zimbabwe capture mice and sell them as a delicacy. The kids are thrilled to be earning money and never thought they’d be awarded a Chipotle franchise.

Accused National Security Agency document  leaker Reality Winner is alleged to have smuggled classified documents out of the office in her underwear. She told investigators she would have taken more, but her Spanx wouldn’t allow it.

Womens apparel retailer Forever 21 is teaming up with Taco Bell to offer a Taco Bell-themed collection of bodysuits, sweatshirts and hoodies — mostly in large sizes.

A Dearborn, Michigan toddler shot two other children with a loaded handgun he found at daycare. The two victims are in good condition, and will think twice the next time they decide they won’t share their toys.

  • The shooter has already been hired to address an NRA Conference, with a keynote address he’s calling “Time Out, My Ass!”

In the wake of its massive data breach, Equifax will offer free “credit locks”. This way, identity thieves can prevent victims from stealing their identities back.

The Chicago Bears v Green Bay Packers Thursday night NFL game marked the league’s debut on new broadcast partner Amazon Prime. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers threw four TD passes and also now leads the league in buffering.

  • The game was delayed for nearly an hour as a storm passed, so players with 1-in-2 odds of head trauma could be protected from 1-in-1 million odds of lightning strike.
  • Packers and Bears players stood with arms locked during the National Anthem. It was either a show of solidarity or the beginning of an awesome game of Red Rover.

 

Carmen Electra offered her memories of deceased Playboy founder Hugh Hefner; saying that Hefner ‘loved life and loved what he did’, although he couldn’t always remember who he did.

Roger Goodell met at NFL Headquarters in New York City with a group of team owners and prominent players to discuss players kneeling during the national anthem and other issues impacting the game. No definitive conclusions were reached regarding the kneeling, but everyone attending agreed that Odell Beckham Jr’s peeing dog was dumb.

 

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ABC announced its newest Bachelor — 35 year-old race car driver Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Dozens of young women will now battle it out for pole position.

China has banned soft cheese imports. Now no one there has to worry about saying ‘brie’ or ‘camembert’ correctly.

A new Miss America will be crowned Sunday night. Miss Florida’s talent will be ‘getting out of Florida.’

UFC women’s fighter Paige VanZant told ‘The MMA Hour’ that she’s “passed out in her bathroom” cutting weight before fights. Her boyfriend said he passed out in the bathroom after she used it, too.

Chili’s announced that it’s eliminating 40% of its menu items, in a move that recent diners at Chili’s call ‘a good start’.

  • The chain made the move after research showed customers got confused looking through so many pictures to find the fajitas and ribs.

A 13 year-old girl in England who died from a brain aneurysm set a record by having 8 of her organs donated and successfully transplanted. The number would have been greater but one finicky recipient wanted blue eyes, not brown.

The FBI is investigating whether Uber used software to illegally interfere with its competitors. Uber denied the claim, saying its software is only used to gouge its own customers.

Anna Faris, now separated from husband Chris Pratt, said on her podcast that Pratt was not her best friend. Pratt said that Faris wasn’t his best friend either. Their nanny was.

Equifax announced one of the largest data breaches in U.S. history, with over 140 million persons’ records stolen, including names, addresses and social security numbers. Identity thieves expressed disappointment in how terrible everyone’s credit scores are.

Disney introduced a new group of 8 Mouseketeers – the first new group in 20 years. The new kids will star in the rebooted Club Mickey Mouse, which can only be viewed on social media. ‘Club Mickey Mouse’ is now parents’ most-blocked account on Facebook and Instagram.