By |

Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

By |

Google CEO Sundar Pichai testified before Congress regarding anti-conservative bias in search engine results. A Democratic congresswoman asked Pichai why an image search of the word “idiot” returned pictures of Trump. Pichai replied “because it works”.

British lawmakers will vote on whether to remove Prime Minister Theresa May over her handling of the United Kingdom’s’ exit from the European Union. Members will vote “Theresa May” or “Theresa May Not”.

Elizabeth Rowe, principal flutist for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, is suing for a pay raise because she makes $70,000 less than the principal oboist, who is male. The BSO defended the salaries, saying the oboe is a more difficult instrument to play, and that, frankly, they expected a woman playing the flute to look a lot sexier.

President Trump promised to shut down the government if he doesn’t receive $5 billion in funding for a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border. “I will take the mantle of shutting it down” he said — frustrating Democrats, but subtly impressing them with his correct use of the phrase ‘take the mantle’.

After Nick Ayers turned down an offer to be President Trump’s Chief of Staff, Trump blasted the ‘fake news’ for saying he’s having trouble filling the position. Trump then threatened to shut down the government unless they approved funding a game show for a C-list celebrity to win the job.

U.S. health officials named Fentanyl as the country’s deadliest drug based on overdoses recorded in 2016, surpassing Heroin, which was deadliest from 2012-2015. Cocaine was third, and Meth dropped to fourth. Meth responded by firing its head coach.

The U.S. Geological Survey recorded a magnitude 4.4 earthquake in parts of Tennessee and Georgia. Officials acknowledged the quake was likely stronger, but residents of Tennessee and Georgia wouldn’t really understand numbers higher than 4.

Gisele Bundchen was asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show if she wants her husband, Tom Brady, to retire. Bundchen said she wants Brady to do “whatever makes him happy”. So look for Brady to continue whining and deflating footballs.

Kathie Lee Gifford announced that she’s leaving The Today Show in April. Her spot is expected to be filled by former First Daughter Jenna Bush Hager, delighting NBC executives who were concerned about finding someone that stay-at-home moms kinda knew, that had no discernible talent.

Facebook headquarters were temporarily evacuated Tuesday evening after receiving a bomb threat.  Employees returned to their desks and spent a few extra minutes marking themselves ‘safe’.

By |

TBS host Samantha Bee is facing criticism for calling Ivanka Trump a “feckless c*nt” – while liberals scramble to look up the meaning of “feckless”.

A deadly E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has passed, and prices for romaine have dropped by more than half while growers are losing millions of dollars. The only lettuce with year-over-year sales growth is butter lettuce, which faces its own backlash from obese dieters over its misleading name.

Brett Bland, a fired car salesman in Texas is suing his former dealership, saying his boss repeatedly pinched his nipples and forced him to breathe ‘soiled air’ after farting in his office with the door closed. Bland is seeking unspecified damages against his former employer, Junior High Locker Room Acura.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly returning $9 million worth of wedding gifts. Per royal protocol, they are not allowed to keep any of them, especially not the PlayStation that Harry had squirreled away in the Princecave.

Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, denied reports that his famous daughter is financially reporting him, although he admitted that the one time he reached out for money, she only had $5 in Deal Or No Deal briefcase.

Discount retailers Dollar General and Dollar Tree both posted disappointing earnings reports to Wall Street. Executives for each of the chains blamed the results on poor people.

Kim Kardashian West met with President Trump at the White House to discuss prison reform, including clemency for Alice Johnson, a non-violent drug offender serving a life sentence. Kardashian did not comment on rumors that the President said “I’ll free your Johnson if you’ll free mine.”

Trump said that the two had a great meeting, most of which he spent staring at the back of Kim’s skirt, or, as he calls it, the Oval Office.

Benje Choucroun, a 13-year-old writer from Time for Kids, asked press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders what the Trump administration was doing to help keep schools safe. Sanders answered the question, as Choucroun arrived back home to see a Tweet calling him a “diaper baby for the failing fake news Time for Kids.”

Andrew Tornetta, a man arrested for allegedly punching a Philadelphia police horse after a playoff game, is suing the police and the Philadelphia Eagles. Tornetta’s lawsuit claims cruel and unusual punishment, citing the 12 hours of community service he completed picking up trash while being force to wear an Eli Manning jersey.

Charlotte Fox, a 61-year-old lifelong mountain climber who survived a blizzard while climbing Mount Everest in the late 90s, died after an apparent fall down her stairs at home. First responders say she was not wearing her safety harness at the time.

By |

Google is in court arguing against the Department of Labor’s charges that they systemically underpay women. Google execs deny the claim, saying women there make 81% of men’s salaries, versus the national average of 80%.

The New England Patriots presented Tom Brady’s mother, Galynn, with a Super Bowl 51 Championship ring. She thanked the team and then asked where in the hell are all the other Super Bowl rings her kid won.

The Department of Transportation said that 2017 U.S. airline passenger “bumping” has hit an alltime low; however, passenger “dragging” reached an alltime high.

A burglar who pooped in the toilet of the home he robbed – without flushing – was arrested based on a DNA match from his feces. The woman who owns the home asked the judge for leniency on his behalf, saying that at least he left the seat down.

Vice News reports that President Trump’s staffers compile packets of favorable news stories about him, then give him the packets twice per day. So far their biggest challenge has been finding newspapers and video from the 80s and 90s.

Defense Secretary James Mattis backed up Trump’s harsh rhetoric, saying that North Korea’s actions could lead to the destruction of its people. North Korean citizens countered that the biggest risk to their destruction isn’t nukes, it’s the food they’re eating since economic sanctions went into place.

Disney announced that it will pull its content from Netflix and start their own streaming service. The channel is expected to focus on family-friendly content, with the exception of a drama about Minnie Mouse going to prison.

Oprah Winfrey and Kraft Foods are partnering on “O That’s Good”, a line of frozen comfort food soups and sides. Each soup will cost $4.99 and each side $4.49, allowing a lonely woman to put together her dinner for around $40.

For the first time in nearly 30 years, the Mormon Church has excommunicated a senior leader. Ousted Elder James Hamula had no immediate plans, other than to relax with his 12 wives and however many kids he has.

Major League Baseball announced “Players Weekend”, where MLB players will be able to wear their nicknames on their jerseys. No vulgar nicknames are allowed, so none of the Philadelphia Phillies fan suggestions will be used.

  • Yankees reliever Aroldis Chapman will wear “The Missile”. Asked if it’s because of his 100mph fastball, Chapman said “..uh, sure.”