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Gen Z is reportedly embracing physical books & libraries to escape the stresses of the digital world. This is confirmed by a surge in young men & women posting nude selfies to their Tinder profiles while reading books.

Donald Trump confused 7 Eleven and 9/11 during a speech. He then doubled down, saying he’ll never forget or forgive that they don’t have a Diet Coke Slurpee.

Jen Pawol could become the first woman to umpire 2024 regular season games for Major League Baseball. She’ll work Spring Training games, where she’ll become the first umpire to argue with players and managers by not speaking to them.

A passenger on a Lufthansa flight died after other passengers reported ‘liters of blood’ “gushing” from his nose & mouth. His family is demanding answers and a refund of the $20 in-flight snack box he ate before the incident.

The Church of Scientology and supporters of Jesus both aired Super Bowl ads, in hopes of attracting worshippers who no longer believe in Bud Light.

A new book claims James Gandolfini was unreliable while shooting the final two seasons of ‘The Sopranos’ due to “excesses of consumption”. Gandolfini acknowledged his unprofessional behavior, but never sought treatment for gabbagool dependency.

Shoshanna Lefler, 37 – a teacher at Manhattan’s prestigious High School for Health Careers & Sciences – resigned after video captured her going into a locked bathroom with a 17-year-old male student then handing him a wad of cash. No one believed her when she said the money was for the Scholastic Book Fair.

ABC announced The Golden Bachelorette series, but haven’t cast the 60-plus woman to take the role. Meanwhile ABC talent scouts are busy auditioning single senior men, each of whom is required to submit a video and proof of shingles vaccination.

In Hong Kong, a dragon made of 39,000 balloons to commemorate the Lunar New Year was certified for a Guinness World Record, before it was shot down in a U.S. drone strike.

A massive fire broke out at a new waterpark in Sweden before it opened to the public. First responders eventually contained the blaze, and treated themselves for minor burns in the wave pool.

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Ohio voted to protect legal access to abortion in the state constitution. Students in multiple Texas high school districts voted for Cleveland as the destination for their senior class trip.

Charles III gave the first King’s Speech to British Parliament in 72 years, following his ascension to the throne after the death of his mother. It started rough, with Charles asking “so, anybody here from out of town?”

Ivanka Trump arrived in New York to testify in the financial fraud trial of the Trump Organization. The state’s Attorney General said she may also subpoena Tiffany Trump, who never worked for the organization, just so she doesn’t feel left out.

Actor Patrick Dempsey was named People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, in what Donald Trump calls another rigged election, and what Dempsey’s manager calls a lifeline keeping the forgotten actor from appearing in Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

Disney Parks is cracking down on visitors who violate their line policies for the disabled – banning several wheelchair paraplegics who mistakenly stood up to prove they were tall enough for the rides.

Philadelphia voters elected Cherelle Parker as the city’s first woman mayor. Philly business owners are worried their cost of doing business will go up since they now have to put their bribes in Louis Vuitton bags.

Pizza Hut is offering a snake meat pizza in Hong Kong. Several confused delivery drivers were fired for exposing their snake meat to customers.

Four men were charged with the theft of an 18-carat gold toilet from the home of Winston Churchill, valued at $6 million. Although the value dropped significantly after the thieves installed it the morning of Taco Tuesday.

Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS shapewear brand is collaborating with Swarovski crystals, leading to emergency room visits for women suffering genital abrasions after putting the briefs on inside-out.

A Canadian woman delivered a 14 pound, 8 ounce baby boy measuring 21.6 inches, breaking the hospital record. The infant was delivered by c-section and a crane to lift him out.

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A U.S. man claims a bout with COVID shrunk his penis by one-and-a-half inches. His girlfriend believes he may be Patient Zero since it was that size when she met him four years ago.

Google changed the ‘white noise’ played on its Google Nest home speakers, leading to lots of disgruntled noise, mostly from white people.

Internet service in Tonga was interrupted by a tsunami, which locals named ‘Xfinity’.

In the wake of a hostage situation at a Texas synagogue, the FBI warned that faith-based organizations will continue to be targets of violence. “Well, that settles it, I’m done with church” said kids playing video games on Sunday morning.

Supermodel Bella Hadid opened up about her debilitating mental health struggles, which include figuring out how to download Instagram off of the App Store.

Employees at fitness company Peloton say that a sales slowdown and cost-cutting are driving down morale to an all-time low, despite spandex-clad managers yelling “Come on Peloton! You can do it!” dozens of times each day.

Full House actress Jodie Sweetin is getting married for the fourth time. To save money on postage she just handed out the invitations at Bob Saget’s funeral.

Doctors have identified a genetic risk factor for COVID patients who lose their taste & smell – specifically, inheriting the genes of idiot parents who also didn’t want vaccines.

The hedge fund which owns 5% of Kohl’s department store is demanding changes to the executive team and board of directors. The executives regret allowing the hedge fund to accumulate so much Kohl’s Cash.

Hamsters are being euthanized in Hong Kong over COVID fears. The hamsters are attempting to run but aren’t getting further than tubes and large wheels.

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A buck crashed through the window of a hair salon on Long Island. The animal fled shortly after his antlers received 10 frosted tips.

Dick’s Sporting Goods CEO said the company destroyed $5 million worth of AR-15 rifles after finding out the chain sold one to a school shooter. The company also destroyed $50 million worth of golf clubs when they saw how badly customers played with them.

The Glenlivet released their ‘Capsule Collection’ of whisky pods, aged scotch encased in an edible capsule made of seaweed. Some drinkers are popping them in their mouth and biting them, others plan to age them for another 20 years in their laundry room.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a funeral home director fired after coming out as a transgender woman. The funeral home owners defended their decision, saying they’re in the business of burying problems.

The Supreme Court will not hear the appeal of Domino’s, who were sued, and lost, to a blind man who couldn’t order pizza for delivery from his iPhone. However, the blind man is facing lawsuits from several people he ran over driving to pick up takeout pizzas.

Juliet Huddy, a former host of Fox & Friends, said that some Fox News shows “lie by omission”, omitting facts and context while reporting the news; as opposed to the rest of Fox News shows  that “lie on purpose”.

Rachel Maddow will reportedly appear in CW’s new comic-book tv show “Batwoman”. No details were given, but everyone just assumes she’s going to be Alfred.

Target launched Target Circle, a new customer loyalty program where you earn points for shopping. KMart announced its own loyalty program, where you receive points for finding a KMart store that hasn’t gone out of business yet.

China is pulling back its support of the NBA after Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey tweeted in support of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong. China is also pulling back support of the WNBA because they don’t really care about it, either.

After postponing, NASA rescheduled the first all-female spacewalk for this month. The original walk was postponed because a proper-fitting spacesuit was unavailable for astronaut Annie McClain. McClain has now been fitted with the first-ever AstroSpanx.

 

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Sesame Place theme park banned a woman for life for telling a Muslim woman to “go back where she came from”. The banned woman’s rant was sponsored by the letter F.

Six players were ejected following a fight during a WNBA game between the Phoenix Mercury and Dallas Wings. Fans said they hadn’t seen that many women in braids brawling since any UFC undercard.

Kid Rock tweeted Taylor Swift wants to be a Democrat so she can be cast in movies, and is willing to suck the door knob off of Hollyweird to get there. Celebrities condemned the tweet – Guy Fieri said he may ask Rock to return his key to the City of Flavortown.

According to a recent survey, 42% of parents claim they weren’t financially ready to have a child. The other 58% say they were financially ready, but feel let down by their choice of birth control.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth reportedly separated after being married only 8 months. Cyrus was spotted kissing a woman, so she and Hemsworth still have something in common.

In their annual rankings, University of California – Santa Barbara topped the list of colleges where students consume the most hard liquor. The results were challenged by University of Phoenix, who say most of their online students consume liquor during class.

Anheuser-Busch is expanding into the red-hot hard seltzer category with Natural Light Hard Seltzer. It’ll be 20% cheaper than industry leader White Claw, and will be marketed to bros who still want to get buzzed while they look for a better-paying job.

Police combatting anti-government protesters in Hong Kong fired tear gas into the subway. Subway riders were overcome by the chemical assault, calling it “almost as bad as the subway in Philadelphia.”

Two ambulances collided with each other in the Bronx, causing one to overturn and four injuries to emergency workers. “Call an ambulance” said someone, and they all had a good laugh about it.

Berlin is considering turning the former Tempelhof airport into a safe zone for legalized prostitution. German men won’t feel as inconvenienced when their friends ask for a ride to the airport.

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White House staff announced that President Trump invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to visit Washington in the fall.  Putin is expected to meet privately with Trump, and to pick up several million absentee ballots to take home.

Deaths from liver disease are surging, according to a study from the University of Michigan. The number of people in 2016 who died from cirrhosis of the liver increased 65% compared to 1999. The study authors blame increased alcohol consumption, and 17 years of partying like it was 1999.

Kiley White, 26, of New Jersey lied about having brain cancer to trick a couple into letting her stay with them for over a month. The couple grew suspicious when White said her radiation treatment was resting her head on the microwave while she heated Hot Pockets.

Ryan Bounds, a Trump Administration nominee for an Appellate Court judgeship, was removed from consideration after racially-charged essays from his days at Stanford University were brought to light. The GOP said they can’t have racists on the bench in Appellate Court, they need to save them for the Supreme Court.

Roseanne Barr posted a video to her YouTube channel, once again trying to explain her racist tweet comparing Obama aide Valerie Jarrett to an ape, saying “I thought the bitch was white!” So if you’re ever in a position of having to apologize to a black woman, just tell them you thought they were a white bitch.

The Miami Dolphins stirred controversy when they announced that players who protest on-field during the national anthem could be suspended for up to four games. The Dolphins backed down when they learned that players were planning to time their protests and suspensions to avoid travel to Cleveland and Buffalo.

Microsoft holds its “Inspire” show for developer partners this week, where it shows off all the new hardware they’ll stop making in two years.

Google Maps unveiled a new ‘motorcycle mode’ in several Asian markets – such as Hong Kong, Thailand & Philippines – where two-wheeled transportation is popular. It includes directions down streets that are too narrow for cars, and factors in the time riders spend regrouping after they crash into small animals and pedestrians.

A North Hollywood house featured in exterior shots on The Brady Bunch is listed for sale at $1,885,000.  The sellers will give higher consideration to purchasers agreeing to maintain the home, and not to play ball in it.

A researcher for the Kinsey Institute surveyed over 4,000 Americans, and found the #1 sex fantasy in the U.S. is a threesome. Women wanted to explore sex with another woman, and men liked getting two breakfasts afterward.

 

 

 

 

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Missouri Governor Eric Greitens admitted to an extramarital affair, but denied allegations of blackmailing his mistress with a nude photo taken during their meeting. “Show us!” said Missourians.

The U.S. Army is having difficulty finding physically fit recruits due to the U.S. obesity problem. The good news is that the Army is making money from hilarious obstacle course videos with the unfit recruits they do get.

James Franco has been accused of sexual misconduct by five women, including one on the set of 127 Hours, where she says Franco touched her with the hand that wasn’t stuck under a boulder.

Congressional Democrats are planning to wear black and bring sexual assault survivors as guests to President Trump’s first State of the Union address. Asked if she planned to wear black, First Lady Melania Trump said it depends on whether she can find the right shoes.

Walmart is raising its starting wage to $11/hour and giving $1,000 bonuses to eligible employees in response to the U.S. tax cut. Bonus recipients have various plans for the money, although most said they’ll use it to escape poverty for a few days.

China blocked the Marriott Hotels app and website as punishment for listing Tibet, Taiwan, Macau & Hong Kong as separate countries – frustrating U.S. college students booking Spring Break trips to Tibet to find enlightenment and get wasted.

YouTube is punishing Logan Paul for his infamous ‘suicide forest’ video. In addition to making it harder for advertisers to find and place ads on his videos, Paul will have to watch 200 hours of Philadelphia Eagles fan videos discussing their upcoming game in the NFC Divisional Playoffs.

An analysis from Rhodium Group cites the U.S. Transportation Sector – cars & trucks – as the largest source of harmful greenhouse gas emissions for the second consecutive year, followed by the Energy Sector, and the Fast-Casual Mexican Dining sector.

Pizza Hut is working with Toyota to deliver pizzas in driverless vehicles. Early trials have been a mix of successful deliveries and errors – such as vehicles driving through front doors trying to hit the doorbell, and a high rate of cars quitting to start a band.

Some women participating in the 2018 Women’s March on January 20-21 are planning to ditch last year’s popular pink ‘pussy hats’, which they say exclude transgender women and women of color whose genitals aren’t pink — and besides, it hides their kicky new haircut.

 

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President Trump banned transgender Americans from serving in the military. E! Network announced it’s scrapping plans for a new reality series, ‘Colonel Caitlyn’.

No word yet on how Defense Secretary James Mattis will handle the thousands of transgender enlisted personnel, though some say he’s in favor of giving them all an Honorable Red Carpet Discharge.

Senator John McCain slammed Trump’s use of Twitter to make major policy announcements, saying that’s what National Boy Scout Jamboree speeches are for.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told a radio show that he will stop his office from leaking to the press, and that his staff needs to stop acting like “Mean Girls”. Meanwhile, Donald ‘Regina George’ Trump took to Twitter to burn Jeff Sessions to “stop trying to make Russia happen”.

  • Scaramucci already fired one staffer, and rumors are flying that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders may soon be gone from The Plastics.

President Trump and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are set to announce that Apple partner Foxconn will open Apple assembly plants in Wisconsin. The plants are expected to lift the state economy — Foxconn has already scheduled Job Fairs for local 12 and 13-year olds.

Adobe said that it’s killing the Adobe Flash plug-in by 2020, giving your grandparents ample time to find another reason why their darn computer isn’t working.

Britain announced that it will phase out all gasoline and diesel cars in 2040. The world awaits the clever term they’ll use for ‘electric’ the way they use ‘petrol’ for gas.

The Pentagon is under fire for blowing $28 million on ‘woodland’ camouflage for Afghani soldiers, when just 2% of the terrain is woodlands, and many other free camo patterns were available. The Defense Department acknowledged the error, saying soldiers should have received camouflage that looked like blown-up buildings.

Lyft is trialing ‘Taco Mode’ in California – in which a driver will show up and whisk a rider to the nearest Taco Bell. The rider can then choose a ride back home or to the nearest hospital.

  • Pending a successful trial, Lyft has already readied “Fry Mode” for McDonald’s, “Frosty Mode” for Wendy’s, and “Suicide Mode” for Arby’s.

Atlanta Falcon Julio Jones hired a dive team to find a $150,000 earring he lost while riding a Jet Ski in Georgia’s Lake Lanier. The divers failed to find the earring, citing the darkness at the lake’s bottom and all of the corpses in their way.

A California man was arrested for smuggling exotic animals when U.S. Customs intercepted a shipment to his house from Hong Kong, containing King Cobras packed in cans of potato chips. Additionally several U.S. Customs agents were treated for snake bites and suspended for stealing potato chips.