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Tiger Woods posted his first selfie since his car accident. Doctors performed multiple surgeries to repair his shattered lower leg, including the insertion of a metal rod with a flag on it.

Joe Biden plans to establish a $15/hour minimum wage for federal contractors. “Woof! Woof!” said Champ & Major, who each blew their first day’s pay on Pupperoni.

Co-host Carrie Anne Inaba is taking a leave of absence from The Talk to focus on her health. Apparently she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Results of the 2020 Census place the U.S. population at 331 million people, none of whom feel the need to retweet one of my jokes.

The CDC will share new guidance on wearing masks outdoors, an announcement eagerly anticipated by socially responsible bears.

An 81-year-old man – the sole resident of the remote Italian Isle of Budelli since 1989 -is being forced to leave, since the Italian government is converting his hut into a Starbucks.

A giant alligator was spotted walking through the parking lot of a Publix supermarket in North Ft Myers, Florida. No one was injured, and the alligator did not enter the store, since it forgot its shoppers club card.

Microsoft restored service to Microsoft Teams productivity & online meeting software following an outage. The outage was detected after multiple companies reported thousands of employees having a really great day and getting things done.

Eastern and Midwest U.S. states are nearing the time when Brood X cicadas emerge for the first time in 17 years. They’re expected to fly around, ask you to Like their new Facebook Pages, then die.

Apple is spending $1 billion to build a campus in North Carolina that will employ 3,000 people. In other news, 3,000 kids in North Carolina just dropped out of junior high.

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Best Buy stores have moved to a ‘curbside pickup only’ policy, so employees can get a good laugh and watch customers struggling to fit huge TVs in their car.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the company is donating “millions” of protective masks to healthcare workers. The challenge now is finding healthcare workers whose faces are the same size as 12-year-old Apple factory employees.

Portland, Oregon’s Lucky Devil Lounge strip club started ‘Boober Eats’, where scantily-clad dancers deliver food from Lucky Devil’s menu. Several customers claim they found hair in their food, for which they paid extra.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, a fixture at Coronavirus Task Force press briefings and the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said social distancing is crucial to prevent the U.S. from “becoming another Italy”. To which Italian Americans replied “AYYYYYY!”

Pennsylvania golfers asked Governor Tom Wolf to reopen courses, arguing that distance between players makes the game inherently safe and healthy, and that any added distance necessitated by the pandemic makes it easier than ever to cheat.

Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus in a maximum security prison in New York state, as did another inmate who tries to look like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Formula 1 racing is cancelled, so drivers are racing each other online in the official F1 video game. Somehow three drivers still managed to be hospitalized in crashes.

Three Florida spring breakers from the University of Tampa tested positive for COVID-19, and are currently in isolation while doctors supervise them butt-chugging grape Pedialyte with Tylenol.

Stevie Nicks praised artist Harry Styles’ new album ‘Fine Line’, saying she thinks it’s his ‘Rumors’. The music world hasn’t been this stunned since Nicks called Lou Bega’s ‘Mambo No. 5’ his ‘Pac Man Fever’.

The CDC & Microsoft, launched a coronavirus self-checking bot called Clara, to  recommend actions to those who think they have COVID-19 symptoms. You simply visit the CDC website, click the self-checker, and then watch as you’re told not to restart your computer for three hours.

 

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A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.

 

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President Trump defended comments saying he’d accept dirt on a political rival from a foreign power, tweeting that he meets many international leaders, including the ‘Prince of Whales’ – the guy who won that Sumo tournament he watched in Japan.

The St. Louis Blues are National Hockey League champions after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of their playoff final. President Trump is expected to invite the team to the White House, including their newest star, Stanley Cupp.

Amanda Knox visited Italy for the first time since her 2011 acquittal of murdering her roommate. She’s expected to speak on a panel addressing media influence, and to admit that, despite spending four years in Italian prison, the food there is really great.

Singer Maren Morris posed topless for an upcoming issue of Playboy. She told fans “why don’t you just meet me in the middle?”…but was informed she didn’t get the centerfold.

You can now sign into your Google Account using iOS on an Android Phone. Try explaining that to your Dad.

Paul McCartney releases his first children’s book, ‘Hey Granddude’ in September. It’s about kids and grandparents having fun. His first manuscript ‘Grandpa Married & Divorced A Woman With a Prosthetic Leg’ was rejected by publishers.

American Airlines flight attendants are going to court to protest an attendance policy  they consider cruel. If a flight attendant accumulates 10 ‘points’ in a year for unapproved days off or lateness, a human resources rep stands & points to the exit as they’re fired.

The owner of Bombay Grill in Utah refused to allow military veterans to eat there because they were accompanied by service dogs. He defended his actions, saying the dogs tend to wipe out the whole buffet.

A German state is shutting down its Facebook page over privacy concerns, disappointing the many followers of Das Kitten Videosen.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, is reportedly pregnant with a third child, and the first she’ll carry in the absence of terrible golf puns.

The New England Patriots have filed tampering charges against the Houston Texans for allegedly courting Pats’ director of player personnel Nick Caserio for their vacant GM job. The NFL will review the case with both the pot and the kettle.