By |

Sarah Thomas will officiate the Los Angeles Chargers/New England Patriots AFC Divisional Playoff game on Sunday. She’ll be the first woman referee in an NFL game, or  just another mom spending a Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of boys pound the piss out of each other.

Donald Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, will testify publicly on February 7th before the House Oversight Committee, presumably to talk about his oversights covering up payments to porn stars and Playmates.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to allow a vote on Democratic-sponsored legislation to end the partial U.S. Government shutdown, going so far as to put the legislation in the folds of his neck where it can never be found again.

President Trump claimed he never said that Mexico ‘would write a check’ to pay for the U.S./Mexico border wall.  “Of course we wouldn’t” said the President of Mexico “..who the f*** still writes checks?”

Tim Tebow is officially engaged to former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters.  Tebow is planning a return to baseball before he gets married and hopefully makes it to third base.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only Utah’s and South Dakota’s birth rates were high enough to sustain the current levels of U.S. population.  Census workers thanked the citizens of Utah and South Dakota for being Mormons and not knowing how birth control works, respectively.

The school board in Tamaqua, Pennsylvania postponed a final vote regarding a policy allowing teachers to carry firearms in class. Partly because they’re not sure it’s a good idea, and partly because the teachers keep failing the background checks.

The National Enquirer published text messages purportedly sent by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez, including “I want to smell you..I want to breathe you in..hold you tight…” and “Good news! My penis is scheduled for delivery tomorrow!”

At a small airport near Tampa, Florida, an unidentified person was decapitated by a helicopter’s propeller Thursday afternoon.  Investigators plan to identify the victim, just as soon as their head finally lands on the ground sometime over the weekend.

A new analysis in the journal Science states the world’s oceans are heating up 40% faster than a similar study estimated just five years ago – due to more parents teaching small children how to swim in the ocean.

By |

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos is contributing $2 Billion to an effort to fight homelessness, because Amazon drones have trouble finding them to deliver the stuff they ordered.

Donald Trump is alleged to have illegally ordered the removal of braille signage from Trump Tower elevators during construction, telling the architect “no blind people” will ever live there.  This explained why Stevie Wonder got lost & never showed up for a private concert at the Trump Tower penthouse years ago.

Trump also faced criticism for retweeting a FEMA link to a Hurricane Florence ‘Rumor Control Page’, set up to minimize misinformation regarding the storm. Trump has wrongly said the Puerto Rico/Hurricane Maria death toll is a lie, and also added a photo to his FEMA retweet claiming to be him big-wave surfing off the North Carolina coast.

Elon Musk’s Space X has reportedly signed up their first civilian passenger for a flight around the moon.  The passenger is allowed one carry-on, will board in Group 4, and has yet to upgrade to a window seat.

Incumbent New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo defeated his Democratic primary challenger, Cynthia Nixon, carrying 65% of votes. Nixon’s team blamed the huge loss on high voter turnout – much like Nixon blamed hatred of ‘Sex and the City’ on the large number of straight men watching it.

Health officials are warning customers of a New Mexico spa to get blood tests, after the spa was found using unsafe hygiene practices while giving so-called “vampire facials”.  Vampire facials involve microinjections of blood plasma, and are not to be confused with the porn parodies of ‘Twilight’.

Paul Manafort entered a plea deal with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team to avoid a second trial. Reports surfaced that the deal includes a cooperation agreement with Mueller’s team, either for testimony or for hooking up his hard-working lawyers with Russian prostitutes.

Kylie Jenner posted an extensive first-person Snapchat story about dealing with bullies, then stepped out in a pair of skin-tight latex pants that had everyone saying “bully for her!”

Consumer Reports issued a list of five ‘top vehicles under $25,000’ for first-time new-car buyers. Topping the list – the Subaru Forrester – praised for its roominess, fuel efficiency, safety, and ability to expand the owner’s social circle to include more gay women.

Julia Mooney, a New Jersey middle-school art teacher, is sending a message about eco-consciousness by wearing the same dress to school for 100 consecutive days. “Miss Mooney — new dress?” said a kid doing a lousy job covering up for skipping the first two weeks of school.

By |

Amazon is under fire for what a watchdog group called “deplorable conditions” at a China factory that makes Amazon Echo smart speakers. It’s so bad, that when workers ask Alexa what time it is, she says “time to shut up and get back to work.”

Three people reportedly broke into Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ Beverly Hills home. Police say nothing was stolen, but the burglars each received emails that the items they wanted had shipped.

Before introducing Bruce Springsteen at Sunday’s Tony Awards, Robert De Niro told the audience “F*ck Trump”. Watching at home, Melania Trump told her assistant “this is why I didn’t go to Singapore.”

ABC’s attempts to reboot ‘Roseanne’ without Roseanne Barr have apparently stalled, because Barr owns the rights to some characters on the show. Casting executives are now looking for unfunny overweight dopes who can’t act and appeal to racists; Larry the Cable Guy is on his way to Los Angeles.

President Trump arrived in Singapore a day early for his planned summit with Kim Jong Un. Un is staying at the St Regis Singapore, Trump’s base of operations is still being finalized using the ‘Find A Location’ function at McDonalds.com.

KFC is reportedly testing “chicken-like vegetarian options” at its United Kingdom locations. KFC said this isn’t the first time they’ve offered non-chicken options, citing the rodents they serve in the U.S.

Kylie Jenner deleted all social media photos of her infant daughter Stormi, as Stormi’s infant lawyer seeks compensation from her mother in addition to feedings.

Net Neutrality officially ends today, June 11th. Your estimated hold time to speak with  Comcast/Xfinity customer service about your slow broadband connection is incalculable.

Porsche’s first all-electric car will go on sale for $80,000-90,000 and will be called the Taycan, German slang for ‘you can’t afford it’.

An American Society for Microbiology study showed that kitchen towels contain high levels of bacteria that cause food poisoning. Experts recommend washing towels in hot water for at least 20 minutes before eating them.

 

By |

Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

By |

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos passed Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the world’s richest person. Then Gates emptied his pants pockets on laundry day and reclaimed the title.

CVS Pharmacy is in talks to acquire health insurance giant Aetna, as CVS seeks synergy between their incredibly long receipts and Aetna’s incredibly long red tape.

A new study in the journal JAMA Internal Medicine links pesticides used by fruit & vegetable growers to reduced fertility in women. The study was commissioned by fraternity scumbags looking to avoid condom use by giving their dates apples & strawberries.

United Airlines new Los Angeles-to-Singapore route is the longest-ever flight for a U.S. domestic carrier. The 18-hour route consists of a 16-hour flight preceded by 2 hours of coach passenger dragging drills by United flight attendants.

A 10-year-old boy led Ohio State Highway Patrol on an hour-long chase, with speeds reaching nearly 100 mph. The boy was ultimately apprehended safely, although his Big Wheel was totaled.

October, 2017 is the lowest-grossing month for movies in 10 years, with receipts totaling less than $600 million — most of which was hush money paid to ticket takers by people seeking to remain anonymous while seeing Boo 2: A Madea Halloween.

Constellation Brands, the company that owns Corona Beer, is investing in Canopy Growth, a Canadian marijuana grower, as it seeks to expand its dominant wallet share of 40+ divorced loser dads.

Startup Babylon Health is using artificial intelligence and data mining to predict when you’ll be sick; investors are skeptical since the best predictions it’s made so far are ‘the night of your birthday’ and ‘the morning after the Super Bowl’.

Former Trump Campaign Manager Paul Manafort was indicted on federal charges including money laundering and tax fraud. He is expected to post his cash bail in a woven Ukrainian basket as soon as he finishes laundering it.

The Trump Campaign responded to the Manafort indictment by sending out a fundraising email titled ‘Still Standing’, asking Trump supporters to donate one dollar. The email was authored by Eric Trump, evidenced by the heavy use of smiley, fire and moneybag emojis.

By |

Justin Bieber struck a 53 year-old photographer with his pickup truck, scoring his first-ever hit with middle aged men.

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re scaling back expansion plans. Luckily, their best customers are not.

North Korea threatened a nuclear missile strike at “the heart of the U.S.” The Pentagon ruled out The White House as a target.

Melania Trump will make her first solo trip as First Lady, not counting Bergdorf Goodman. Mrs. Trump will attend the Invictus Games in Toronto. “Oh! Justin Trudeau will be there? I didn’t know that…” she said.

President Trump talked tax reform, telling the Wall Street Journal the people he cares most about are “the middle income people who have been getting screwed.” Trump went on to describe himself as a middle income person who’s been getting screwed.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson denied rumors that he plans to quit, telling reporters he always carries an empty cardboard box in to work every day.

A study found signs of degenerative disorder CTE in 110 of 111 brains of deceased NFL players. League Commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the findings, saying they still needed to look at more dead placekickers’ brains.

Senator Lindsey Graham defended his colleague Jeff Sessions, saying that if President Trump fired Sessions, there would be “holy hell to pay.” “He’s right, Lindsey & I just talked today” said Satan.

Jeff Bezos passed Bill Gates as the World’s Richest Man. Gates then cancelled all of his Amazon Prime subscriptions and passed Bezos again.

Amazon announced it will fill as many as 50,000 open jobs at a nationwide Job Fair next week. The final hiring count depends on how many robots show up to interview.

A Chinese company has installed ‘Husband Pods’ in China shopping malls, where guys can sit in a recliner, play video games and watch tv while their wives and girlfriends shop. They said they got the idea by being men.

Hillary Clinton’s upcoming 2016 Presidential Election memoir will be titled ‘What Happened’ – surprising the editor who had suggested ‘You Gotta Be F—ing Kidding Me’.

Twitter lost 2 million U.S. users in the second quarter, but gained more than can count in Russia.

The TSA announced that iPads, other tablets & e*readers will be screened separately, as they do with laptops, reminding travelers to backup their porn before every trip.

Coke announced that it’s discontinuing Coke Zero and replacing it with Coke Zero Sugar, setting up a Who’s On First moment when smooth-talking southerners say “I’ll have a Coke Zero, sugar..”