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Experts say Philadelphia International Airport may be at risk of flooding from storm surges, based on its proximity to the Delaware River. Philly airport baggage handlers advise travelers to switch to waterproof luggage they can lose and steal.

Coca Cola is introducing AHA, caffeinated sparkling water. It’s a refreshing new way to energize your day with an elevated heart rate and headaches.

New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio faces criticism for a plan where criminals are issued Mets tickets as incentive to show up for court appearances. The criminals criticized the plan, saying they just wanted to show up to go to jail.

Tesla will unveil its ‘Cybertruck’ electric pickup truck on November 21st. It’s ready now, but they’re waiting on rear-window decals of Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

Two million pounds of chicken are being recalled. Whatever they call chicken at McDonald’s these days is not impacted.

Appearing at a Donald Trump rally, Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “it must suck to be that dumb”. Louisiana Trump supporters replied “oh, we know”.

Aventura Technologies is being investigated for selling surveillance equipment to the U.S. Government that was made in China, but labeled ‘Made in the USA’. It’s being called the biggest fraud bust in the United States since Dolly Parton. [..sorry..]

A report shows Marvel and Star Wars content is the most watched among trial users of new streaming service Disney+.  The least popular content is the Mickey Mouse Anti-Vaping videos.

Sexually transmitted diseases chlamydia, syphilis & gonorrhea have risen in the U.S. for the fifth straight year. The largest number of gonorrhea cases were found in Mississippi – doctors there say many patients don’t get it treated because they can’t spell it.

Oprah released her annual ‘Favorite Things’ list. Topping the list?…the money that companies pay her for putting their products on it.

A 51-year-old man was arrested for groping a Disney Princess at Disney World. The princess was shaken, but otherwise okay, although she said her seven dwarf friends do a lousy job protecting her.

 

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Police arrested a man drilling holes in the dressing room walls of Target stores in suburban Philadelphia. No word on whether he planned to stick his Target Team Member in them.

Alabama passed the most restrictive anti-abortion law in the nation. Mississippi is next – they’re telling residents it’s illegal to shoot storks.

The College Board will assign an “Adversity Score” to students’ SAT results, in order to factor in their social and economic challenges. The scores will range from a high of “East L.A. Gang Member” to a low of “Olivia Jade”.

A Florida woman was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon outside of a Key West strip club for throwing a coconut at a man recording video of her on his phone. She plans to fight the charge since she has a coconut permit.

A Florida man was arrested for practicing basketball in the nude at an Orlando-area park. He told cops practicing naked improves his skills. He put his clothes back on, but only after demonstrating a nifty crossover dribble from his right hand to his erect penis.

University of Washington researchers created an app that detects ear infections using a paper cone attached to the phone that you stick in your ear. You attach the cone to your phone, stick it in your ear and hope nobody calls you at that exact moment.

Taco Bell announced it’s opening The Bell: A Taco Bell Hotel & Resort this summer in Palm Springs. It’s supposedlly an immersive experience in ‘the Taco Bell lifestyle’ – which is why every suite in the hotel has four bathrooms.

SpaceX is launching a “mini constellation” of 60 satellites in an effort to deliver broadband internet access to underserved areas on the globe unable to stream porn.

Penn-Trafford school district in Pennsylvania is being criticized for putting a ‘Middle Eastern’ headdress on a teacher posing as an active shooter during a drill. The school apologized, saying its next drill will feature costumes from the drama club production of The Wizard of Oz.

Munich, Germany startup Lillum says it will offer flying taxis hailable by app starting in 2025, and wrongful death settlements starting in 2026.

 

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Lehigh University instituted a ban on hard alcohol at all fraternity and sorority houses. The measure is intended to help Greek organizations focus their hazing efforts on physical & emotional abuse.

Jerry Merryman, co-inventor of the handheld calculator, died at age 86.  Merryman said he was proud to introduce a generation of young boys to 80085.

Two female NASA astronauts and a Canadian female flight controller will conduct the first all-female space walk. They intend to walk for a few minutes, then spend an hour having coffee.

Utah residents Michael Lee and Angela Peang, who are first cousins, went to Colorado so they could be legally married. They’re petitioning Utah to recognize their right for cousins to legally marry, adding if that doesn’t work out, they’ll just settle in Mississippi.

President Trump hosted corporate business leaders at the White House, and referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’. Trump then expressed anger & disappointment that Bill Microsoft and Jack Twitter were no-shows.

Four Canadian wolves were captured and air-dropped on Lake Superior’s Isle Royale National Park in Michigan, in order to bolster the dwindling wolf population and control a growing moose population. Local moose then held a hearing to deal with illegal wolf immigration and plummeting moose-house prices.

Residents of Cardwell, Australia are mourning the loss of ‘Bismarck’, an 80-year-old 15-foot crocodile believed to have been shot & killed. Residents say they’d grown to love Bismarck, since he was a huge tourist attraction, and because during his 80-year life he’d only eaten two of their kids.

Queen Elizabeth, aged 92, made her first photo contribution to the @theRoyalFamily ‘s official Instagram account – although skeptics immediately questioned whether that’s really her in the bikini.

A Seattle man robbed $600 in cash from Girl Scouts selling cookies outside of a grocery store. Police distributed a photo of the suspect, as the Scouts gear up to earn their secret merit badge in Vigilante Justice.

Following the closure of a Blockbuster Video location in Perth, Australia, there remains just one Blockbuster store in Bend, Oregon. The manager says the store is a tourist attraction and will remain open, and in fact they’re hiring workers to beat nearby Redbox machines with crowbars.

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Visitors to a Grand Canyon museum over the last 18 years were exposed to excessive doses of radiation from stored uranium ore. The park safety inspector alerted officials after several incidents of young museum nerds having rage-induced episodes, throwing tourists through walls when they were picked on.

New research suggests middle-aged men who can do 40 push-ups at a time have a 96% lower risk of heart attack and stroke. Men who can’t do 2 have a 1000% higher risk of dying from a heart attack while doing push-ups.

Southwest Airlines is the subject of an FAA investigation for improperly weighing checked baggage, creating a safety risk. A spokesperson denied the allegation, while saying concern over aircraft weight is why they boot so many big people off of flights.

Legalization of marijuana at the state level has resulted in at least 10 recorded instances of fires or explosions at facilities that extract hash oil used in edibles. On the plus side, there’s been a huge increase in the number of stoners signing up to be volunteer firemen.

16 U.S. states sued the Trump Administration to contest the President’s National Emergency Declaration and funding for a U.S./Mexico border wall. Several states including Mississippi are holding out while they wait for someone to show them where Mexico is.

Tyler Perry announced ‘Tyler Perry’s a Madea Family Funeral’ will be the final time he plays Madea. No word whether the Motion Picture Academy will feature Madea during the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ segment so everyone can cheer publicly about it.

Tony Romo will play in his second PGA Tour event in the AT&T Byron Nelson Classic. He was given a sponsor’s exemption on the conditions that he shut up and not loudly predict which club his opponent will use every stroke.

Adult website YouPorn is launching their own app. They say it will allow users more privacy, faster load times and, therefore, faster unload times.

  • YouPorn said the app is designed to meet the exacting demands of creeps flying in coach with spotty wifi.

Netflix cancelled ‘The Punisher’ and ‘Jessica Jones’, meaning Netflix will no longer have any Marvel superhero series. Netflix said they tried to warn fans with hints at the end of the closing credits, but found that losers will only wait for those in movie theaters.

Heidi Klum said goodbye as she ends a six-season run as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’. Producers said they’ll begin a lengthy search to find a replacement with no artistic/athletic/musical talent whatsoever….whoops, they just found a different supermodel.

 

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A Fairfield, Ohio substitute teacher was removed from a middle school classroom after he allegedly masturbated behind the desk with students present.  School officials also confiscated the movie he was showing in health class.

A Mississippi man had his leg amputated following a duck hunting accident, when his dog stepped on a gun and it fired, hitting him. Since the incident occurred in Mississippi, the dog was not charged because he’s allowed to own & fire a gun without a permit.

Pizza Hut is expanding its beer delivery service to over 1,000 locations before summer. Pizza Hut executives say the top question customers ask when adding beer to an order is if they can cancel the pizza.

The New York Police Department closed sexual assault investigations into celebrity chef Mario Batali without filing charges – although detectives are not ruling out new menu items.

Oxford Pennant, a local business in Buffalo, NY, is hoping to improve the city’s reputation by holding a sweepstakes to win a two-night all-expenses-paid trip to the city. So far, they’ve received 28,000 entries from Guatemalan asylum-seekers.

Jeff Bezos and his wife Mackenzie filed for divorce.  Bezos then signed on to Amazon, and his ‘Recommendations For You’ already featured five different supermodels.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture reports the United States has a record 1.4 billion pound surplus of cheese. “We’re doing all we can” said mice eating queso at Chipotle.

Amazon has an under-the-radar program that sends select customers free samples of items such as coffee and dog food.  Customers writing reviews saying they didn’t like the taste of the dog food are removed from the program.

United is the first U.S. airline to take delivery of the massive new 300-passenger Boeing 787 Dreamliner. It has extra-wide aisles for dragging overbooked Economy passengers from the plane and special storage for animals that die on board.

NBC News reports that the U.S. Government shutdown is forcing the FDA to suspend routine food safety inspections. Or, as the FDA calls it, a Romaine Holiday.

 

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Google introduced its new Pixel 3 smartphones, citing their highly sophisticated artificial intelligence tools. Google added that the artificial intelligence tools can be disabled by dropping the phone on the sidewalk.

Rumors are circulating that Ivanka Trump is being considered to replace Nikki Haley as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. The White House cites Ivanka’s extensive international diplomacy experience hiring children to work in factories for her now-defunct apparel line.

Multilingual imbecile and bully-enabling anti-bullying crusader Melania Trump claims that her offers to assist international aid organizations are ignored because of her marriage to Donald Trump. Aid organizations replied, for the 100th time, starving children don’t need gently-used designer shoes and clothing.

A flight from Detroit to Shanghai was diverted back to Detroit for a passenger medical emergency, but arrived too late and the passenger was pronounced dead on arrival. The FAA said it was the first time ever that someone was dying to get to Detroit.

The New York Yankees were eliminated by the Boston Red Sox, three games to one, in the American League divisional playoffs. After the game, George Steinbrenner emerged from beyond the grave In Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park to fire manager Aaron Boone.

The New York Times profiled Anthony Mancinelli, a 107-year-old barber who works full-time cutting hair from Noon to 8pm every day.. that he’s not appearing in civil court for causing concussions and extensive cranial bleeding.

Taylor Swift appeared at the American Music Awards on Tuesday night, claiming three more to bring her lifetime total to 22 – passing Whitney Houston’s female artist record of 21, and a comfortable 22-trophy lead ahead of Mambo No. 5’s Lou Bega.

Hurricane Michael may make landfall in the Florida panhandle as a Category 4 storm, the worst to hit that area in over 100 years. “Wait, which state are we again?” asked worried residents of Mississippi.

Frontier Airlines removed a female passenger prior to a flight from Orlando to Cleveland for bringing her emotional support squirrel on board.  Several other passengers asked if they could borrow the squirrel so they, too, could get kicked off and rebooked on a better airline.

Accused sexual assailant Harvey Weinstein lost one of his defense attorneys due to an argument over the bill, proving that Weinstein is still working on understanding priorities.

A 14-year-old is suing McDonald’s for over $1 million, claiming that spilled hot water caused severe burns. McDonald’s said it was part of their free Fry-day promotion.

 

 

 

 

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A man in his underwear ran onto the tarmac at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, jumped on the wing of a Delta plane, and pounded on the windows while yelling at the passengers inside. He was then joined on the wing by several others once Delta announced the final boarding group for the flight.

Toys R Us officially closes the doors on all of its stores Friday, becoming Toys WR Us.

Actress Shailene Woodley said she was “f—in miserable” eating a 350-calorie-per-day diet for her latest film ‘Adrift’ where she portrays a woman lost at sea. Woodley now says she is “still f—in miserable” because no one saw the movie.

Costco is partnering with food startup Apeel Sciences to sell avocados treated with a natural coating that makes them last twice as long — up to 2 hours.

Minor league baseball team Staten Island Yankees is rebranding as the Staten Island Pizza Rats for several Saturday games this summer. However, the change angered Italians on Staten Island, who canceled Italian Heritage Night at the park. Instead, Staten Island Italians will celebrate their heritage by sitting on their porches in wifebeaters.

President Trump is reportedly consulting with advisers to identify a successor to White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.  Front-runners are Mike Pence’s Chief of Staff Mike Ayers, Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, and Apprentice Champion-slash-Poison lead singer Bret Michaels.

On average, one person was murdered every 15 minutes in Mexico in the month of May. And that’s just from the unlimited well drinks at Sandals.

Toy Story Land opens at Disney World this weekend, offering something for children and adults; new attractions include Slinky Dog Dash, Alien Swirling Saucers, and the Bo Peep Show.

California just passed the strictest online privacy law in the country, allowing residents to dictate if their personal data can be sold. Lawmakers in Mississippi are also considering online privacy laws, but first need to understand how the dang Internet works, anyhow.

A shortage of carbon dioxide is causing the U.K. to ration beer. Queen Elizabeth can now only get hammered four nights a week.

 

 

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Renovated Atlantic City casino/hotels Ocean and Hard Rock Hotel surprised tourists and residents by opening their doors a day early. Both were eager to welcome guests off the famously depressing boardwalk to come in and throw away their money.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he’s retiring from the High Court effective July 31st.  Local Planned Parenthood offices announced their first-ever Going Out Of Business Sale this Labor Day.

Jet Blue passengers on a flight from New York to Los Angeles sat with their hands held high in their seats, as cops stormed the tarmac, after the pilot mistakenly punched in a transmission code for “hijacking”. Coincidentally, four 10-year-olds were taken off the plane as the error unwittingly foiled their attempt to take the plane to Disney World.

Scarlett Johansson denied a rumor that she was recruited by the Church of Scientology to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend. However an unnamed source said she flunked the interview when she was asked to show emotion, and Johansson replied that she couldn’t.

A report from the Centers for Disease Control said that just 23% of U.S. adults are getting enough exercise. The CDC issued the findings during a press conference from their empty company gym.

  • Mississippi had the lowest reported percentage of exercise-conscious adults, 13.7%. Respondents in Mississippi said their number-one fitness activity is “running from snakes.”

38 North, a consultancy monitoring military activity in North Korea, said that they are not disarming nuclear missile facilities, but are rather fortifying the Yonbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center. North Korean officials dispute the report, saying the missiles were requested for July 4th Fireworks by President Trump.

Amazon is seeking prospective entrepreneurs with $10,000 to apply to start local package delivery businesses for Prime orders. If Amazon turns you down, they show you items You Might Be Interested In costing $10,000.

Chipotle is testing new menu items like quesadillas and tostadas, but their CEO said that it will take up to three years to roll out nationally. Although the test food is expected to roll out of diners in about three minutes, locally.

Retailer H&M said that it’s currently holding $4 billion in inventory of unsold clothing. The retailer is planning aggressive markdowns, and targeted marketing to moms and grandmoms who know how to make boys & girls look embarrassingly uncool when school starts.

LPGA golfer Stacy Lewis said that her primary sponsor, KPMG, will continue to pay her while she takes maternity leave from golf tournaments. She’s still negotiating her return to the tour with her caddy, who’s hesitant to wear a Baby Bjorn and carry a second bag for diapers.