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For the first time, scientists observed a wild orangutan chewing a medicinal plant, then placing it on its own face to treat a wound. The orangutan tried the plant thing after figuring out that wiping his poop on the wound didn’t help.

The blue rock thrush – an extremely rare bird – was spotted in Oregon, the first-ever North American sighting. Meanwhile, bird watchers reported thousands of sightings of the classic rock thrush at an REO Speedwagon concert.

Tiger Woods accepted an exemption from the United States Golf Association and will participate in this year’s U.S. Open. It’s the first time he’s needed an exemption since 1996, before he banged his first restaurant hostess.

Peloton laid off 400 employees and the CEO is quitting. They’ve been offered severance, and an instructor to yell “come on! you can do it!” at them.

New Jersey parents filed a lawsuit after their 5-year-old daughter’s arm was stuck in an elevator door. After the lawsuit, they expect their bank balance to be Going Up!

With Indiana Fever star Caitlin Clark joining the league and drawing a huge airport crowd at a game in Dallas, players are once again calling for private air travel instead of commercial. League owners are balking, asking WNBA players how many other people making $75,000 a year they know who fly on private jets.

Shares of Novo Norodisk, maker of weight loss drug Wegovy, dropped 7% after releasing first quarter results. The CEO had to remind everybody that declining numbers aren’t always a good thing.

A Pennsylvania man awaits sentencing from Turks & Caicos after mistakenly bringing live ammunition on a vacation there. While he hopes to avoid jail time, prosecutors assured him he’ll be housed in an all-inclusive resort.

A North Carolina couple said their 3-year-old daughter’s insistence that a ‘monster’ lived in her bedroom wall led to the discovery of 50,000 bees. “See, there’s no monster, now go to sleep” said the parents.

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem falsely claims in a new book she met North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un while serving in Congress, ‘staring him down’. She is now backtracking saying she stared down the delivery driver for Jong Kim Un’s korean barbecue when they delivered the wrong order.

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A new study finds performing music helps retain brain function as you age. Plenty of tickets still remain for the AARP-sponsored Rolling Stones Retaining Our Brain Function Tour.

Citing the $1,000-a-month cost, state employees in North Carolina will no longer be reimbursed for weight-loss drugs Wegovy and Ozempic. North Carolina said they’ll save the money now and spend it on fixing the heart attacks later.

Team USA 2022 Olympic figure skaters will receive gold medals after Russian skater Kamila Valieva was banned for a positive drug test. Kamila now identifies as Sergei and is training for the 2024 Paris games as a powerlifter.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink announced their first chip implant in a human brain. The procedure was funded by an anonymous donor who wanted help around the house and to quit being bothered for sex.

E. Jean Carroll appeared on The Rachel Maddow Show and compared Donald Trump to a walrus. Trump filed a defamation suit against Carroll seeking $83 million.

At a Turning Point conservative political conference, a speaker claimed My Pillow founder & Trump advocate Mike Lindell is “losing everything”. He’s so close to financial ruin that his company’s name may change to Somebody Else’s Pillow.

Health magazine ranked 13 Super Bowl party foods from best to worst, with a veggie platter ‘best’ and sweetened soda ‘worst’. The list omitted alcohol, so nobody will be going to their party, anyway.

A Pennsylvania man was awarded a $2.25 billion judgment against Monsanto for successfully arguing that use of weed killer RoundUp for 20 years caused his cancer. He plans to use the money to hire someone else to take care of his lawn.

The Czech Republic signed a deal with the U.S. government to acquire 24 F-35 fighter jets. This, despite a 40% Off coupon from Boeing to outfit 737 Max 9 jets with rockets.

Starbucks is launching the Oleato – an olive-oil & coffee beverage called ‘a legit laxative’ – nationwide. The drinks will cost upwards of six bucks, and the key to the restroom will cost twenty.

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Moderna said its COVID vaccine for children aged 6 months to 5 years is effective in preventing severe effects of the virus. In fact, it’s so effective, your kids will be screaming for it.

The FDA recalled three blood pressure medications because they may cause cancer. Although you can still get them if you have a BadRX card.

A North Carolina teacher resigned after a student recorded audio of him calling them “idiots”, in what’s being called one of the worst graduation speeches ever.

U.S. airlines are asking the FAA to end the mask mandate, saying it’s the sixth-biggest complaint passengers have about flying.

Police in Upper Moreland, Pennsylvania successfully removed a soda can stuck on the head of a neighborhood skunk, but currently have no leads on the two carjackings that happened while they were busy.

New images from an international space telescope show ORCs, or “odd radio circles”, bigger than a galaxy. The 10th astronaut caller in to the radio circle wins Styx tickets.

UFC fighter Jorge Masvidal was arrested after punching rival Colby Covington outside a Miami restaurant, breaking his tooth. Covington returned inside, then a woman in a bikini paraded around the sidewalk holding a card reading ‘Round 2’ before they resumed fighting.

Spinosaurus – the biggest carnivorous dinosaur ever, larger than a T Rex – was amphibious and hunted prey underwater. Although it preferred hunting on land, because it hated how it looked in a swimsuit.

University of Arizona basketball player Benn Mathurin apologized to a Texas Christian University cheerleader, whose breast he accidentally touched leaving the court after his team’s victory. The cheerleader hasn’t responded, but was awarded two free throws.

Leah Shutkever of England broke the Guinness World Record by eating 19 chicken nuggets in one minute. Her record was broken seconds later by some guy at a red light after hitting the McDonald’s drive-thru at 1a.m.

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A North Carolina man surrendered a dog to a shelter because he thought it was gay. The dog regrets letting the man sniff his ass for ten minutes.

Cuoy Griffin, founder of ‘Cowboys for Trump’ was convicted at trial for breaching the Capitol in the January 6th riots. He’ll be sentenced once the jury is done rehearsing ‘Happy Trails’.

Boo, resident grizzly bear at Kicking Horse Mountain Resort animal preserve in British Columbia, Canada, emerged from his hibernation. Boo then grabbed an iPad and a couple magazines and went back into hibernation for another 45 minutes.

Three firefighters at a Virginia fire company welcomed newborn babies within hours of each other. One had a pregnant wife, the other two just picked up babies left outside the station house.

18 pounds of cocaine were found in a jet at Philadelphia International Airport – leading to a new speed record for airport workers unloading bags.

Florida now requires the completion of a ‘financial literacy’ course to graduate high school. The courses will be taught by drug & gun dealers who made millions after dropping out in 10th grade.

Police in Oldham, England responding to a call about an escaped tiger realized it was actually a large stuffed toy. The toy was returned to a little girl after cops finished removing 35 bullets.

Astronauts Raja Chari and Matthias Maurer spacewalked to install hoses and cables outside the International Space Station, then said they hoped that, one day, they could take a goddamn leisurely spacewalk without being asked to fix shit.

A man with ALS – Lou Gehrig’s Disease – is now able to communicate in full sentences after microchips were implanted in his brain. He was able to say “I don’t want anyone putting microchips in my brain”.

A trainer working with former NFL QB Colin Kaepernick claims multiple teams have inquired about speaking with him, asking when would be a good time to call and tell Kaepernick they’re not interested.

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Tiger Woods posted his first selfie since his car accident. Doctors performed multiple surgeries to repair his shattered lower leg, including the insertion of a metal rod with a flag on it.

Joe Biden plans to establish a $15/hour minimum wage for federal contractors. “Woof! Woof!” said Champ & Major, who each blew their first day’s pay on Pupperoni.

Co-host Carrie Anne Inaba is taking a leave of absence from The Talk to focus on her health. Apparently she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Results of the 2020 Census place the U.S. population at 331 million people, none of whom feel the need to retweet one of my jokes.

The CDC will share new guidance on wearing masks outdoors, an announcement eagerly anticipated by socially responsible bears.

An 81-year-old man – the sole resident of the remote Italian Isle of Budelli since 1989 -is being forced to leave, since the Italian government is converting his hut into a Starbucks.

A giant alligator was spotted walking through the parking lot of a Publix supermarket in North Ft Myers, Florida. No one was injured, and the alligator did not enter the store, since it forgot its shoppers club card.

Microsoft restored service to Microsoft Teams productivity & online meeting software following an outage. The outage was detected after multiple companies reported thousands of employees having a really great day and getting things done.

Eastern and Midwest U.S. states are nearing the time when Brood X cicadas emerge for the first time in 17 years. They’re expected to fly around, ask you to Like their new Facebook Pages, then die.

Apple is spending $1 billion to build a campus in North Carolina that will employ 3,000 people. In other news, 3,000 kids in North Carolina just dropped out of junior high.

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New Jersey State Park Police say an “inordinate amount” of human feces and urine-filled bottles was found throughout state parks, because public restrooms are closed. The police responded following several complaint calls from bears.

Police said if New Jersey residents really needed to urinate or defecate in public, they should follow tradition and use the Wildwood boardwalk.

The greatest increases in COVID-19 related deaths are projected in Republican-leaning states. GOP leaders brushed it off, saying they’re still okay with corpses mailing in votes.

Labatt Brewery is launching new hard seltzers. They come in a variety of fruit flavors, at the request of Labatt loyalists hoping to find something more cheerful to throw up at Buffalo Bills tailgate parties.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels released  ‘Auto-Scrap-Ography, Vol 1’ – an autobiography in the form of a visual scrapbook. Some photos of women pop up, unless they’re backstage or the tour bus, when they pop down.

Some fans on Reddit think the Marvel Cinematic Universe is adding too many characters. Others think 50 Marvel movies is just the right amount to see between Memorial Day and mid-August.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort was moved from a Pennsylvania prison to home confinement to avoid contracting coronavirus. In a statement, the coronavirus said it wasn’t interested in Manafort since he looks dead already.

After 17 years living underground, cicadas will emerge in North Caroliina, Virginia and West Virginia starting this month. “Where the f**k is everybody?” ask cicadas.

Guests visiting reopening Six Flags theme parks will need to pay in advance and choose a time to enter before they’re allowed to wait 2 hours to ride a roller coaster.

A six-year-old in Kentucky decided to cheer up his neighborhood by giving away free ice cream from the back of a pickup truck. He gave away lots of ice cream but had to stop after running over other children chasing the truck.

 

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Anheuser-Busch halted beer production at a Georgia plant to stockpile canned drinking water to ship to Houston for Harvey victims. Coors just sent thousands of cases of Coors Light and dared the people of Houston to tell it from the drinking water.

  • Anheuser-Busch is also putting the drinking water in kegs for Houston area college fraternities.

Domino’s is testing driverless pizza delivery. The custom Ford Fusion brings the pizza to your house, and blocks your driveway until you tip it.

Coldplay, performing in Miami, wrote and performed a tribute song to Hurricane Harvey flood victims simply called ‘Houston’. Frontman Chris Martin said the song would never be played again, delighting music lovers both in Houston and everywhere else.

United Airlines has suspended all flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport during Harvey flooding, but said it hopes to resume some flights on Thursday. “You couldn’t drag us out of Houston”, said a spokesperson.

At 49 inches of rain and climbing, Hurricane Harvey has set a continental U.S. rainfall record, drawing praise from President Trump for Harvey’s impressive margin of victory over other hurricanes.

A State of North Carolina study revealed that workers save more for retirement when they receive work emails telling them to save. The study found that the employees appreciated the savings-related emails more than the ones they get telling them to work.

Televangelist Joel Osteen responded to criticism over failure to open his Lakewood Church to flood victims during Hurricane Harvey. Osteen said that the church is now open, via a conference call from aboard his private jet.

A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Palin expressed disappointment and promised to be vigilant in suing other newspapers that she will never read.

Uber’s Board of Directors picked Expedia exec Dara Khosrowshahi to be its new CEO. Uber has yet to make an official announcement, although they can see Khosrowshahi is just a few minutes away.

Rupert Murdoch announced that he’s pulling Fox News off the air in Britain, after the conservative-leaning channel failed to find an audience, even after rebranding it Fox, Hound, Bull & Boar News.

Apple showed off some of its new Augmented Reality Apps, including one that simulates dropping your iPhone on the street without breaking it.

  • Apple gave a $89 Million stock payout to CEO Tim Cook, who will star in his own augmented reality app to see how it feels to be poor.