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Merry Christmas! Thank you to loyal & occasional readers. Have a terrific holiday. cd

The wives of three Philadelphia Eagles players hosted an EaGals Christmas Party for team member’s wives and girlfriends. The Philadelphia 76ers tried, but too many fights broke out when six of the players had their wife & 3 of their girlfriends each show up.

President Joe Biden will issue pardons for certain marijuana offenses, and for a very small number of crack cocaine & prostitution offenses committed by friends of one of his kids.

Philadelphia Police are investigating two suspicious car fires in the city’s Roxborough section – saying it’s easier than investigating the 50 carjackings in the city’s other sections.

A paraplegic claims Delta Airlines let him crawl to his seat when boarding assistance personnel were unavailable. Spirit Airlines said they allow people crawling to their seats to preboard so they’ll have the most time to buy more drinks before takeoff.

The Food & Drug Administration said they seized thousands of counterfeit units of diabetes/weight loss drug Ozempic. In a related story, Dollar Tree said they’re closing their pharmacy counters until further notice.

Satellite radio provider Sirius XM is accused of trapping customers in subscriptions and making it impossible to cancel. It’s so bad, workers at Comcast/Xfinity call centers are dialing in to learn a few new tricks.

A woman arrested for attempting to have her husband murdered in the Bahamas was allowed to go back to the United States for Christmas to visit her children. She has to stay 100 yards from her husband, and not even think about giving him the fruitcake she made.

Tinder is offering $499/month Tinder Select memberships to a limited number of “most sought after” users. In other news, two teen boys who stole their dad’s credit card are busy catching up on all the nude pics they’re getting.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram video showing the charred remains of her home gym following a house fire she started in 2020, when she fired her trainer for telling her to ‘feel the burn’.

A married couple drove an electric car 18,000 miles in an historic journey from the North Pole to the South Pole to raise awareness for climate change and use of electric vehicles. They’re currently looking for divorce lawyers at the South Pole.

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Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

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Happy New Year! Thanks For Reading!

Weekly unemployment claims fell for the second consecutive week, but do not yet reflect massive layoffs expected at the North Pole.

Donald Trump plans to return to Washington and skip the annual Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party, once he found out a bunch of Health Department narcs are shutting down tongue-kissing at midnight.

The minimum wage will increase in over 20 states in 2021. Shares of Gold Tipped Walking Sticks Incorporated are up in early trading.

A Wisconsin healh-care worker intentionally ruined hundreds of COVID-19 vaccines by removing them from a refrigerator. Even worse, he later microwaved the curried salmon he’d made room for in the fridge.

All-time Jeopardy! great Ken Jennings apologized for past insensitive tweets, but Daily Doubled down on some others.

Joe & Jill Biden will ring in 2021 as part of New Year’s Rockin Eve. Ryan Seacrest hosts, and will be in charge of waking Joe up at 11:45.

Samuel Little, believed to be the U.S.’ most prolific serial killer, died in a California prison at age 80. Little now begins the second of his three life sentences.

COVID-19 restrictions forced the move of the Rose Bowl to Texas, where it will be the Yellow Rose Bowl.

After multiple COVID outbreaks, the White House is being deep-cleaned at a taxpayer cost of $127,000. And it still smells like french fries.

Amazon is acquiring podcast producer Wondery, and starting a new podcast, ‘I Wondery Where My Package Is?’.