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Burberry hired their fourth new CEO in 10 years to help turn around the struggling apparel & accessories retailer. “Maybe we give paisley a try!” he said, and was fired.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT was asked who would be the best replacement candidate for Joe Biden. No word yet on whether Taylor Swift would accept the nomination.

Trump-appointed federal judge Aileen Cannon threw out the classified documents felony case against him, saying it was unconsitutional. She then offered Trump use of her shredder.

A bandaged Donald Trump appeared at the Republican National Convention, as thousands of delegates and attendees cheered his name within earshot.

Lindsay Lohan & Jamie Lee Curtis are reprising their 2003 roles as filming commences on Freaky Friday 2. In it, the now-adult Lohan character switches bodies with her daughter, who spends the next 80 minutes looking for cocaine.

New Balance announced a partnership with the WNBA, in the hope of expanding the fan base among senior lesbians who lack anything in common with many players beyond that one thing.

Trader Joe’s ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning is banned in South Korea because it contains poppy seeds. When mature, poppies are used to make opiates. It’s also banned in North Korea at Trader Un’s.

A food safety scandal is rocking China, as a major state-owned food company is accused of transporting cooking oil in the same tankers as fuel, without cleanings in-between. Consumers are worried about fuel contaminating their food, but drivers are kind of happy that their car smells like a wok.

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Teoscar Hernandez won the 2024 MLB All-Star Home Run Derby. The contest was highlighted by the early elimination of well-known players, and the elimination of singer Ingrid Andress from consideration singing the national anthem ever again.

Princess Cruises broke a world record for the largest pizza party, serving 60,000 slices of pizza simultaneously across multiple ships. Then they set sail and subsequently broke the record for largest oceanic vomit patch.

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Divorce rates among married couples over 60 are rising faster than any other age category – in part because married men over 60 are rising slower than any other age category.

Israel’s Parliament voted to ban Al Jazeera network from the country, accusing it of inciting violence and anti-Semitism. They also voted to ban Cartoon Network, accusing it of inciting violence between cats and mice.

Madonna wrapped up her world tour with a free concert on Rio de Janeiro’s Copacabana Beach, which reportedly attracted 1.6 million people. It marked an attendance record, and a record for the most people to look at a 65-year-old woman on a Brazilian beach.

At a Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, Donald Trump compared the Biden Administration to the Gestapo. Trump’s cronies supported him, saying Trump honestly believes Gestapo was one of the Marx Brothers.

Victorias Secret supermodel Elle Macpherson again lowered the price of her Coral Gables, Florida mansion. First she lowered it from $29 million to $27 million, then again to $22 million. For the right buyer she’ll even throw in her lingerie hamper.

Actress Emily Blunt told Howard Stern that kissing some of her male co-stars made her sick to her stomach. She wouldn’t name names, but said that finding a Scientology pamphlet stuffed in to her pocket afterwards didn’t help.

Creatine supplements may boost cognitive performance after a poor night’s sleep. This, according to gym-rat meatheads who slept poorly but took creatine to remember that today’s Leg Day, bra’.

The top lawyer for the Republican National Committee resigned after just two months, citing “time commitment conflicts”. In other words, there wasn’t enough time in the day for him to keep up with all of Donald Trump’s felony trials.

High-end fitness chain Equinox is offering a $40,000-per-year ‘Optimize By Equinox’ program, focusing on longevity, that includes personal training, nutrition plans, sleep coaching and massage therapy. Not to be outdone, Planet Fitness announced they’re offering members free Meat Lovers pizza in addition to plain cheese.

The fiance of a Wisconsin teacher who admitted ‘making out’ with one of her fifth grade students has called off the wedding. He said he’s embarrassed and heartbroken, but that he now understands why there were three kids tables planned for the reception.

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Mercedes-Benz added turquoise blue lights to their cars to indicate when they’re in self-driving mode. Several German pedestrians remain in critical condition from hit & run accidents after being struck by vehicles they describe as having turquoise blue lights.

Philadelphia Police Academy graduated 31 new cadets to join the force. They each received a reloadable handgun and a reloadable Dunkin gift card.

A judge ruled that a list naming 180 of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates will be revealed as part of a settled lawsuit. Bill Clinton and Donald Trump already asked the judge if the female associates on the list come with phone numbers.

Portland International Airport debuted therapy llamas to calm passengers before their flights during the busy holiday season. Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines debuted wolverines at their departure gates to get passengers worked up for entertaining in-flight fights.

The “humblest Christmas tree in the world” – a 31-inch artificial tree dating back to the 1920s – sold at auction for over $4,000. The buyer and their spouse then fought for three hours over decorating it with colored or white lights.

New York Giants third-string quarterback Tommy DeVito appeared for free to sign autographs at a New Jersey pizzeria, after his original appearance was cancelled when his agent doubled his fee to $20,000. DeVito spent time with the owner, and filled out an application to deliver pizzas once the Giants other QBs get healthy.

Comcast/Xfinity revealed a data breach resulting in hackers stealing personal information of over 36 million customers. Comcast then notified customers of a ten percent price increase on cable tv & broadband to pay for security upgrades.

Sag Harbor, New York fired the man hired to portray Santa Claus at a village holiday celebration because he’d challenged Jewish speakers at a public forum discussing the Israel/Hamas war. Sag Harbor children just want the release of toys currently held captive at the North Pole.

Minnesota redesigned its state flag. Critics say the old flag, showing a Native American on horseback, depicted the state’s wrongful displacement of indigenous people. The new flag more respectfully shows a Native American pit boss supervising a casino.

China’s Guangdong Paper Company announced a new bonus plan, where they pay workers an annual bonus equal to a month’s salary if they walk or run 31 miles per month. The workers say it’s a novel way to stay fit, and they appreciate the extra five bucks.

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Apple Store looters won’t be able to use or pawn phones, tablets and laptops taken from showrooms because of software locks – that is, unless they return for an appointment at the Genius Looter Bar.

Sony delayed the reveal event for PlayStation 5 originally scheduled for June 4th due to widespread civil unrest. However, PlayStation 4 game ‘Call of Duty – Riot Police’ will be released as scheduled.

Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol told CNBC’s Jim Cramer that stores damaged in riots can be patched up and fixed, just that it will cost “a little extra”.

Hundreds of looters rushed into Macy’s flagship NYC store in Herald Square overnight. Meanwhile, rioters declined invitations to loot a nearby JC Penney.

Police finally arrived on scene, and handcuffed less-experienced looters who made the mistake of waiting for a fitting room.

District of Columbia police used tear gas to disperse a peaceful crowd of protestors so Donald Trump could give a speech at a church near the White House. Trump tweeted that the speech was so great, there wasn’t a dry eye in the street.

Retired baseball star Dale Murphy says a Denver cop hit his son in the face with a rubber bullet as he peacefully protested George Floyd’s death. The boy was awarded first base.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson criticized Donald Trump’s handling of nationwide protests, causing Trump to cut off Carlson’s allowance.

Canopy Growth’s CEO says his zero-calorie cannabis beverages can be bigger than hard seltzer. So ask your local grocer to carry high seltzer.

A new study claims using mouthwash after exercise reduces many of the health benefits on blood pressure and metabolism. As a result, experts suggest Planet Fitness members go for plain pizza instead of pepperoni.

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The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.