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Kevin Spacey, co-star of the summer smash film Baby Driver, has not been offered a role in the sequel, Teen Driver.

Giant 24-inch footprints of a 200-million-year-old carnivorous dinosaur have been discovered in Southern Africa. No fossils have been found, but archaeologists know the creature is really old because the footprints have a ‘Skechers’ logo in them.

Selena Gomez broke up with her boyfriend of 10 months, telling close friends she was taking The Weekend off.

A 27 year old Japanese man has been arrested after Tokyo police found as many as nine bodies in coolers in his apartment. He was taken into custody and stripped of his sushi license.

The 10-year-old daughter of an Apple engineer claims her father was fired because she released a YouTube video showing off the iPhone X prior to its formal release.  The video is generally positive, but opens with several minutes of the phone failing to recognize her face and asking for hints.

Actress Ariane Bellamar has accused Jeremy Piven of sexual assault on the set of ‘Entourage‘, surprising Hollywood insiders who felt that the biggest crime involving Entourage was making it into a movie.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said that the Civil War was caused by a “lack of ability to compromise” and, based on his knowledge of history, Union soldiers kneeling in protest when Confederate soldiers played ‘Dixie’ prior to battles.

Under Armour stock tumbled after releasing lower-than-expected earnings and a reduced 4th quarter sales forecast. Responding to rumored supply chain issues, Under Armour CEO dismissed them, saying the company has a steady supply of basketball players who want ugly shoes.

Japanese news organizations are reporting fatalities in the collapse of a tunnel at a North Korean nuclear missile site. President Trump placed a call to ISIS asking for advice on how to take credit for something terrible that you had nothing to do with.

Corey Feldman is trying to crowdfund $10 million on indiegogo to produce a film that will name the names of dangerous Hollywood pedophiles. So far he’s raised only 2%, or $169,000, and may just name the names in a bonus commentary track of a Blu-ray re-release of Meatballs 4.

 

 

 

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Amazon founder Jeff Bezos passed Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the world’s richest person. Then Gates emptied his pants pockets on laundry day and reclaimed the title.

CVS Pharmacy is in talks to acquire health insurance giant Aetna, as CVS seeks synergy between their incredibly long receipts and Aetna’s incredibly long red tape.

A new study in the journal JAMA Internal Medicine links pesticides used by fruit & vegetable growers to reduced fertility in women. The study was commissioned by fraternity scumbags looking to avoid condom use by giving their dates apples & strawberries.

United Airlines new Los Angeles-to-Singapore route is the longest-ever flight for a U.S. domestic carrier. The 18-hour route consists of a 16-hour flight preceded by 2 hours of coach passenger dragging drills by United flight attendants.

A 10-year-old boy led Ohio State Highway Patrol on an hour-long chase, with speeds reaching nearly 100 mph. The boy was ultimately apprehended safely, although his Big Wheel was totaled.

October, 2017 is the lowest-grossing month for movies in 10 years, with receipts totaling less than $600 million — most of which was hush money paid to ticket takers by people seeking to remain anonymous while seeing Boo 2: A Madea Halloween.

Constellation Brands, the company that owns Corona Beer, is investing in Canopy Growth, a Canadian marijuana grower, as it seeks to expand its dominant wallet share of 40+ divorced loser dads.

Startup Babylon Health is using artificial intelligence and data mining to predict when you’ll be sick; investors are skeptical since the best predictions it’s made so far are ‘the night of your birthday’ and ‘the morning after the Super Bowl’.

Former Trump Campaign Manager Paul Manafort was indicted on federal charges including money laundering and tax fraud. He is expected to post his cash bail in a woven Ukrainian basket as soon as he finishes laundering it.

The Trump Campaign responded to the Manafort indictment by sending out a fundraising email titled ‘Still Standing’, asking Trump supporters to donate one dollar. The email was authored by Eric Trump, evidenced by the heavy use of smiley, fire and moneybag emojis.

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An Australian woman discovered a giant earthworm above ground after torrential rains. The worm measured two feet, until she handed it to her husband and it shrank to three inches.

The American Chemical Society released results of tests on lab mice to determine how much Halloween candy kids would have to eat before they died. Lethal levels were 500 gummy worms, 400 fun-size candy bars or 2200 pieces of candy corn. The saddest part of the study was disposing of dozens of dead mice in Wonder Woman and Iron Man costumes.

Samsung released a version of its Galaxy Note 8 in blue. The case is still black, but if you look at the tip of the flames you can see blue.

A New England doctor used Butterfly IQ – an ultrasound that pairs with an iPhone app – to detect his own cancer. The cancerous mass was blocking part of his neck, and also blocking the birds from completely destroying the pigs’ elaborate towers.

A Discover survey asked 1,000 Americans what would make them feel like they really “made it”, and 53% said having a housekeeper. Separately, 53% of housekeepers feel they’ve really made it once they pawned the jewelry they swiped from successful clients.

President Trump declared the opioid crisis a Public Health Emergency, and said the government would produce “really tough, really great advertising” to prevent people from starting opioids. The Senate floor was closed off as filming began on the first ad, starring Mitch McConnell as a gold-chain & backward-hat wearing drug lord.

  • Melania Trump pledged her personal involvement in the war on opioids, striking fear into the hearts of OxyContin and Fentanyl dealers operating out of Bergdorf Goodman dressing rooms.

President Trump’s Happy Birthday message on Twitter – intended for singer Lee Greenwood – was tagged with the wrong Lee Greenwood, a Washington D.C. lawyer. The lawyer gladly stood up and defended the bill for $100 he sent to Trump for the time he took to read the tweet.

Simon Cowell was rushed to the hospital after falling down the stairs of his London home. Celebrities and former American Idol contestants sent flowers to the house, hoping that the stairs were okay.

A Rolex watch once owned by the late Paul Newman sold at auction for $17.8 million, a record for watches. The anonymous purchaser is said to have expressed remorse when he realized there isn’t a step counter on it.

President Trump released the first batch of confidential government records surrounding the JFK Assassination. Among the early revelations: “boxers”.

 

 

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Sears is bringing back their Wish Book holiday catalog for 2017. The book starts with Sears wish that they not go out of business by Christmas.

Thor: Ragnarok opens this weekend. The film introduces Valkyrie, the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s first bisexual character. It also introduces Thor’s lesser-known half-brother who exposes himself to the women of Asgard – Looki.

Nintendo is set to release Super Mario Odyssey for Nintendo Switch on Friday, the latest installment in the Mario series of games. Mario’s experience has been updated as, for the first time, he runs & jumps among humans in a city environment, as he attempts to defeat Bowser before being captured and deported by ICE agents.

President Trump is finally poised to declare the opioid crisis a Public Health Emergency, following the unexpected overdose of his favorite caddy.

An Environmental Working Group study of grocery store fruits found strawberries have the highest levels of pesticide residue. The findings were published alongside EWG’s recipe for Thiabendazole Shortcake.

  • EWG also found that the best way to remove pesticide from apples was to wash them with a baking soda solution for 12 minutes, or, about enough time for the pizza to arrive.

Twitter revealed that it’s been overstating quarterly active user numbers by 1 to 2 million over the past nine months. President Trump promised to call his friend, Vladimir, to help Twitter pick up the slack.

Chinese Citizens are reacting negatively to McDonald’s decision to change its corporate name in China from Maidanglao –which roughly translates to McDonald’s, to Jingongmen
– which means ‘golden arches’.  A McDonald’s spokesperson said they tried to register the Chinese name for Upset Stomach, but that it was already taken by KFC.

The U.S. Navy launched the USS South Dakota, billed as the most highly-advanced stealth submarine ever, then couldn’t find it.

Two women accused President George H.W. Bush of groping them, each saying that he asked them to guess his favorite magician, followed by his answering “David Cop-a-Feel” as he grabbed their buttocks. Separately, Bush is being sued for Intellectual Property theft by two 7th grade boys in 1990 who say he stole their joke.

The National Retail Federation said that 2017 will set a record for the most store closings in U.S. history. Accepting the award was a guy who used to assistant manage a Radio Shack.

 

 

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Amazon announced a trial of Amazon Key, a service utilizing security cameras that allow delivery persons’ entry to Prime members’ homes to drop off packages. Amazon said the concept tested very favorably with single moms who rate their UPS guy an 8 or higher.

Bangkok, Thailand is holding a Royal Cremation Ceremony for King Bhumibol Adulyadej, who died a year ago. The Thai cremation does not utilize fire; they just keep stuffing red chilis in the King’s mouth until his body burns up.

The NAACP, citing what they believe are racially-motivated incidents, has advised black passengers to avoid flying on American Airlines. The NAACP’s warning was swiftly echoed for different reasons by everyone else who has ever flown American Airlines.

A Twitter poll from Men’s Health magazine found the top answer to “What pisses you off most at the gym?’ was ‘machine hogging’, followed by ‘not wiping down equipment’, followed by ‘being there’.

Ford Motor Company announced a major shakeup, promoting five women to senior executive positions. Corporate earnings forecasts were adjusted downward, due to higher heating costs for the women’s offices.

A test of popular baby food brands by the Clean Label Project found that over a third of the samples tested positive for lead, and over 60% were positive for arsenic. Parents are said to be concerned about the arsenic, but that the lead actually leaves their babies feeling pretty full.

Kellogg’s will replace boxes of Corn Pops after getting complaints that the box art – depicting cartoon corn pops at a shopping mall – is racially insensitive. The pops are mostly shown playing around, but a lone brown corn pop in the scene is a janitor waxing the floor. Kellogg’s apologized, saying the janitor was supposed to be working on a box of Cocoa Krispies.

Figures from the British Horse Racing Authority show that thoroughbreds owned by England’s Queen Elizabeth II have earned her $8 million over the last 30 years. Although another report from the British Gaming Authority shows that she’s lost $20 million on craps.

A four-time Iditarod dog sled champion, who finished second in this year’s race, claimed sabotage after his four dogs tested positive for opioid painkillers. Other mushers aren’t so sure, noting the dogs’ poor obedience school grades and a stolen prescription pad found in their doghouse.

President Trump pushed back at outgoing GOP senators and outspoken critics Bob Corker and Jeff Flake, describing his visit to the Senate to push tax reform as a “love fest”. He then returned to the White House to meet with Melania, in what observers described as a “frigid fest.”

 

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The NBA fined Boston Celtics Kyrie Irving $25,000 for yelling “suck my d*ck” at a Philadelphia 76ers fan asking him “Where’s Lebron?” after the Celtics win in Philly. Irving is scheduled to meet with NBA officials who plan to help him with better comebacks.

Researchers in Paris are investigating whether a newly-discovered sketch – which they’re calling Nude Mona Lisa – is the work of Leonardo Da Vinci, or the work of 6th graders who drew bare boobs on the original.

Crowdfunding site WePay shut down a fundraiser started to assist recreational marijuana growers whose farms were lost to California wildfires. The growers then started new online fundraisers, presumably to help them pay for joint replacement procedures.

President Trump disputed Gold Star widow Myeshia Johnson’s claims that Trump did not know her deceased husband’s name when he placed a condolence phone call to her. Trump said he had a ‘very respectful’ call with Sergeant’s wife.

An unsent letter recovered from the body of a passenger on the Titanic sold at auction for $166,000. The letter from a first class passenger reads “My dear Mother. We had good weather while we were in London. This boat is giant in size, but could really use a place for us to swim.”

Several grocery store chains including Meijer, Whole Foods & Albertsons are recalling fresh vegetables distributed by Mann Packaging for possible listeria contamination. The packages mainly contain broccoli and asparagus; concerned parents are calling a free hotline to ask if their kids can contract listeria by staring at the tainted veggies.

Jambalaya served at a Louisiana fundraiser is being blamed for making 49 people sick with salmonella, with the bad publicity causing a delay in Popeye’s launch of its new Jambanella.

The National Wildlife Federation is encouraging Americans not to rake dead leaves in their yard, saying the leaves provide homes for beneficial insects and butterflies. The advice was hailed by the 12 year-old keynote speaker at the National Video Game Association conference.

Celebrity chef Guy Fieri is cooking meals in the parking lot of the Veterans War Memorial in Sonoma for families displaced by California wildfires. Said one diner at Fieri’s pop-up kitchen: “Flavortown tastes burnt.”

President Trump assured Americans that his tax reform plans will not impact 401(k) savings plans, saying that all four hundred and one of them will be left alone.

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President Trump met with Puerto Rico’s governor, and said that he would rate the U.S.’ disaster relief response “a 10”; the governor replied that the death toll was already 48.

For the second straight year, the PNC Milwaukee Marathon miscalculated the official 26.2 mile distance, shorting it by eight-tenths of a mile. Race officials are contemplating giving full $75 refunds of the $80 race fee paid by entrants.

Playboy has named Ines Rau Miss November 2017, the magazine’s first-ever transgender playmate. The centerfold will open backwards.

Blac Chyna sued the Kardashian Family for defamation and slut-shaming; a Kardashian attorney replied, saying this is a case of the pot calling the kettle Blac.

The FAA is considering banning large electronic devices from checked luggage, citing concerns about devices overheating and causing fires, and several cases of Japanese travelers’ sex robots freezing to death in the cargo hold.

Researchers writing in Nature Communications studied the rapid breakdown of glucose to fuel cancerous tumor growth – known as the Warburg Effect – establishing a clearer connection between sugar and cancer. Next up, the researchers intend to study what’s known as the McFlurry Effect.

Twitter users are criticizing a Business Insider study that claims Chick-Fil-A was the most popular fast food restaurant in 39 states, based solely on Foursquare check-ins. The survey was seen as most damaging to customers of Popeye’s Chicken, many of whom thought Foursquare was a value meal.

President Trump continued his battle with the NFL by starting an “I Stand For the Anthem” petition on a GOP website. Republican officials marveled at the number of signatures, and expressed surprise at the number of U.S. Citizens named F*ckYou.

Illusionist David Blaine has publicly denied rape allegations made by model Natasha Prince, claiming that at the time of the incident, he was simultaneously in several other countries!

The Philippines Department of Labor issued a new regulation requiring that office workers must be given breaks every two hours to stand and walk. Filipina hookers must be allowed breaks to sit every two hours.

The Orionid Meteor Showers will peak tonight – good thing, since NASA scientists claim that Mars is getting pretty smelly.

 

 

 

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A video posted to Instagram shows a group of Weber, Utah high school cheerleaders shouting the n-word. School officials reviewing the matter say the girls could be kicked off the squad or expelled, adding that the program is a cheertatorship, not a cheerocracy.

A study published in the journal Southeastern Naturalist confirmed that alligators in Florida and Georgia are snacking on small sharks and stingrays. Researchers say that many of the alligators consume them by accident, during Crab Fest at Red Lobster.

Google will use drones to deliver burritos in Australia. Early reviews describe the burritos as “cold” and “awful” following the long flight from Mexico.

Google also announced ambitious plans to build a ‘futuristic neighborhood’ outside of Toronto. The $50 million project will use technology to do everything from reducing pollution and commute times, to blocking rainfall and improving the weather. Asked if there’s anything the new community won’t have, a Google spokesperson replied “yeah, old people.”

President Trump reportedly plans a large increase in the number of “immigration jails” for illegal aliens —  side-by-side, along a thousand-mile stretch of the U.S./Mexico border.

Forbes Magazine released its annual list of the 400 Richest Americans. Donald Trump fell 92 spots from #156 in 2016 to #248, owing to what Forbes describes as a “tough New York real estate market” and “paying to keep that hookers peeing thing out of sight.”

NFL Players and owners met in New York to discuss anthem protests and increased community involvement. The NFL agreed to fund initiatives for community policing, where they’ll review police body cam footage and overturn arrests for no good reason.

Ford Motor Company is recalling over 1.3 million of their top-selling F150 pickup trucks to repair an issue where doors could open while the truck is moving. Ford reiterated that the trucks are Built Ford Tough, but that the people falling out of them are not.

 

Malaysia Airlines lost another CEO, and has given up looking for him.

ABC Networks announced a Black-ish spinoff, Grown-ish, will debut on its sister network Freeform this January. In other news, ABC is considering changing the name of The Good Doctor to Autist-ish.

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The remnants of Hurricane Ophelia hit Ireland’s west coast, with wind speeds of roughly 109mph. Those wind speeds are expected to accelerate to 250mph in any story an Irish guy tells about it next year.

Astronomers for the first time observed a collision between neutron stars, which created gravitational waves and sent gold, platinum and lead hurtling through space. The historic observation may provide partial answers to age-old questions such as “What is the origin of the universe?’ and “How did Superman’s dad on Krypton get so rich?”

A Texas juvenile center employee confessed to stealing $1.2million worth of fajita shipments over a 9 year period. He was apprehended after warning an undercover agent to be careful touching the fajitas because they were extremely hot.

The University of Chicago Divinity School named its first-ever Jewish dean. Students praised new Dean Laurie Zoloth, and her plan to institute 30 new religious days off that enrollees have never heard of before.

Police in Seattle responded to a call where a man wielding deer antlers attacked someone at a downtown shelter. Seattle PD later released a photo of an officer posing with the 12-point homeless buck he shot. [h/t to J. Levytsky]

According to The New Yorker, President Trump repeatedly makes jokes at Vice President Pence’s expense. During a conversation on gay rights, Trump allegedly said “don’t look at him, he wants to hang all of them!”. Pence corrected Trump, saying he said that all the gays he’s met are hung.

Netflix told investors at their quarterly earnings report that they’ll spend up to $8 Billion on programming in 2018, up from a projected $6 Billion in 2017.  The money will go to increased acquisition costs as studios like Disney start their own streaming services, and to build/populate a women’s prison for Orange Is The New Black.

President Trump said that he and embattled GOP Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell are “closer than ever before”; adding that McConnell is “like a Miss USA contestant to me.”

Police were summoned to the Quaker Bridge Mall in New Jersey, where a man stripped naked, sat in a massage chair on the mall concourse, and punched an officer. Later, the man explained that he’d been on his feet all day exposing himself to Victoria’s Secret shoppers, and needed to rest. [h/t to M. Brooks]

The President plans a written order to declare a national emergency on opioids sometime next week, after the shoulder soreness from golfing is addressed.

A two-star Army general has been relieved of his command for texting the wife of a sergeant in his unit to call her a ‘hottie’. An Army spokesman said that the texts compromised morale, since the general didn’t call all of the enlisted men hotties, too.

 

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A YouGov/Omnibus study reveals that 53% of Millennial women have received a naked photo from a man. The other 47% hadn’t checked their text messages that day. [h/t to J. Ost]

Boy Scouts of America announced that they’ll admit girls. Young women who choose to join Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts will henceforth be known as Bi Scouts.

Raging California wildfires are burning large marijuana crops. The fires are expected to cause shortages of recreational marijuana, and police are dealing with record invasions of Taco Bell from ravenously hungry rabbits and deer.

President Trump tweeted that relief efforts for Puerto Rico can’t go on forever; adding that nothing is forever, just ask Ivana and Marla.

Pornhub told TechCrunch it’s utilizing a robot to document performers, sex positions and categories of its content.  Pornhub says that the robot’s work is incredibly accurate, but it has a hard time talking to its female coworkers.

Technology company Purpose has developed a new chatbot called ‘Hope’. The bot is targeted to those who need help coping with their concerns about Donald Trump. Hope will reply to you with tips to speak to conservative friends, ways to contact elected officials, and liquor coupons.

Rose McGowan’s Twitter account has been suspended for digital harassment, different from digital harassment employed by Harvey Weinstein.

 

Australian doctors removed a woman’s lymph node, which became cancerous with ink that migrated from a tattoo she’d received 15 years earlier. She’s expected to make a full recovery, and Air Supply has generously paid to touch-up the tatt.

An asteroid that size of a house will zoom past Earth on Thursday at a distance of about 26,000 miles, according to NASA. The asteroid is exploring a run for U.S. President in 2020.

An essay on how to treat women in the workplace is going viral. Victoria Clark writes on Medium that men should treat women the same way they would treat Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Some women oppose The Rock Test, saying male coworkers are asking them to pose topless and flex; and confused men say they don’t have $10 million to give their female coworkers to make terrible movies.