By |

Officials confirmed the human remains found in a Florida nature preserve are those of fugitive Brian Laundrie. Dog The Bounty Hunter is now officially out of excuses for not writing thank-you cards for gifts from his recent wedding.

Donald Trump’s TRUTH Social was immediately hacked after launch, with Trump’s own account depicting a pig defecating on its own scrotum. TRUTH Social execs disputed this, saying the picture was of Melania’s pet from her youth in Slovenia.

A 106-year-old woman in Pennsylvania, who credits her long life to a one-Yuengling Lager-a-day routine, received a special gift from the brewery. It’s a Lifetime Supply of beer, which in her case is a 12-pack.

A Tufts University women’s lacrosse player died from choking during a hot dog eating contest for charity. Other contestants tried, and failed, to save her using the Oscar-Mayer Maneuver.

Lauren Witzke, a losing Republican U.S. Senate candidate from Delaware who opposes vaccines and embraces QAnon theories, contracted COVID-19. Witzke says she has “lost her joy” – and by “joy” she means “lung function”.

Afghan news professionals predict a bleak future for their trade under Taliban rule, citing a recent episode of top-rated ‘Good Morning Kabul’ that was just three hours of hand-chopping videos.

Pfizer’s COVID vaccine is 90% effective in children ages 5-to-12. The other 10% are kids that ran and haven’t been caught.

Queen Elizabeth II spent the night in a hospital for “preliminary investigations”. She was sent back home the next day after doctors determined the stick up her ass hadn’t shifted.

Tesla owners are concerned about the Biden Administration possibly regulating Autopilot. The Administration counters that Autopilot oversight is needed because of climate change – Teslas on Autopilot are killng too many trees by crashing into them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz failed to pay his bar dues and can no longer practice law in Florida. Gaetz did, however, pay the bar bills for multiple 16-and-17-year-old girls.

By |

City of Philadelphia public schools will all have a gender neutral bathroom this fall, ensuring trans & non-binary students have a place to smoke and buy drugs.

Several matches at the recently-completed Wimbledon tennis championships are being investigated for alleged fixing – starting with the ones where players used badminton racquets.

Qanon believers are becoming increasingly prevalent in California yoga & spirituality communities – beginning and ending classes wih ‘Don Must Stay’.

A white “Karen” was recorded attacking a black woman in a Victoria’s Secret in New Jersey. She was escorted away by police after getting several of her panties in a bunch.

Conor McGregor received a six-month medical suspension, preventing him from fighting while he recovers from a broken leg. This upends McGregor’s plan to fight sooner by grabbing the leg with his arm and hitting his opponent with it.

A Cleveland hospital mistakenly transplanted a new kidney to the wrong patient. Worse, the patient can only return it for store credit instead of a refund.

Gillian Anderson will no longer wear a bra. The truth – and her nipple – is out there.

Astronomers sighted a rare teardrop-shaped star – meaning, it killed another star.

Extreme heat is killing salmon in the Sacramento River. It’s so bad, instead of trying to swim upstream to escape it, they’re booking flights.

Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman are now officially divorced. A judge signed off on the terms, including a custody arrangement where their two kids spend every other weekend in prison.

By |

Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

By |

Former ‘The Bachelorette’ stars Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum announced they’re ending their marriage. ABC announced two new spinoff series: ‘The Divorcee’ and ‘The Dimwit’.

Italian Luca Corberi promised to never race in the World Karting Championship series, after crashing and throwing his kart’s bumper on the track at other drivers. His actions violate rules, which only allow throwing banana peels, turtle shells and bombs.

Google will now identify songs if you sing, hum or whistle them. Then it will beg you to stop.

Donald Trump said at his televised town hall that he can’t denounce QAnon, because if he did, it’ll be QPublic.

Chris Christie said he was in the Intensive Care Unit for seven days battling COVID-19. Then, two New Jersey doctors filed a patent for a method allowing patients to inhale cheeseburgers through a ventilator.

A surprising study from the World Health Organization said four drugs have little to no impact fighting severe cases of COVID-19. They are hydroxychloroquine, remdesivir, interferon..and last, but not least, heroin.

Disney expanded its content warning for racism in its library of animated films, adding racist stereotypes “were wrong then and a wrong now”. Then further adding “but we rake in money off of them then, and are raking in money off of them now”.

Alaina Pinto, a real-life Boston-area news anchor, was fired for appearing in a Harley Quinn costume in Netflix/Adam Sandler film ‘Hubie Halloween’. She was then offered work in an upcoming Rob Schneider film, but said she wasn’t that desperate yet.

A passenger on a Delta Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit claims she woke up from a nap to find a man standing and urinating on her. Even more amazing, he was able to do it from a window seat in coach.

A United Airlines executive is still missing two months after mysteriously disappearing from his home in Illinois. “Did you look in his checked baggage?” asked a different United Airlines executive.