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Donald Trump referred to himself as ‘Honest Don’ in a Truth Social post. And followed that up by announcing the grand opening Mar a Lago Used Auto Mall.

Five Iron Golf – an chain of indoor golf simulators, is growing in popularity and attracting investors. Many golfers actually prefer it because every 18 holes they save at least a half hour they’d spend looking for lost balls.

Kim Kardashian shared her facial treatment on Instagram before attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party – disappointing millions of followers who only saw Kim Kardashian Facial.

Kim’s Oscar night face regimen was detailed in a series of videos, whose collective run time was exceeded only by Killers Of The Flower Moon.

Madonna criticized a fan attending her concert for sitting down, then realized the fan was sitting in a wheelchair. Madonna later called out the fan for Vogue’ing with just their arms.

There’s growing concern among parents & child development experts over ‘Sephora Kids’ – tweens that spend money on expensive adult skincare regimens. It’s so bad, girls are tossing out Malibu Barbie because they’re worried about her melanoma risk.

A man in Lehigh County, Pennsylvania is wanted for exposing himself to a group of kids walking their dog. He escaped before the dog could positively ID him by sniffing his butt.

Crime in Oakland, California has reached the point where all Taco Bell locations are drive-thru only. Employees are delighted that they no longer have to clean the restrooms, although their job hosing down the parking lot is no picnic, either.

Wesley Burris, a New Mexico man who was treated for radiation exposure after 1945 nuclear tests there, said he has no ill will toward the movie ‘Oppenheimer‘. He does, however, want his money back for ‘Madame Web’.

A British influencer said a trip to Thailand showed her how expensive her life in England is, and that she’s cutting out four things that save her almost $1,000 month – daily coffees, restaurant dinners, new clothes, and trips to Thailand.

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La La Anthony filed for divorce from her husband, NBA star Carmelo Anthony. She’s expected to receive a Lot Lot of Al Al Alimony.

An Israeli study finds unhappy marriages lead to premature death of husbands. That, and wives learn to shoot guns during their required time in the Israeli Army. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Las Vegas Raiders defensive tackle Carl Nassib became the first active NFL player to come out as gay. His announcement is expected to inspire a lot of embarrassing NFL tryouts from other gay guys.

An elephant crashed into the kitchen of a house in Thailand looking for food. Disappointed, the elephant sat down and called Grubhub.

Khloe Kardashian said that she’s “done” and will not get back together with baby daddy Tristan Thompson ever again, adding there are other fish in the NBA.

A man fell 500 feet to his death from the summit of California’s Mount Russell in the Sequoia National Park, and a woman fell 30 feet and was injured while trying to grab him. “I’mma wait here” said the third person in their hiking party.

The Trump Organization is suing after New York City terminated a contract with them to manage the Ferry Point golf links in the Bronx. Golfers are also disappointed, because Trump scorekeepers gave every player the course record.

One of the deadliest plants in the U.S. – poison hemlock – is now blossoming in Ohio and parts of Pennsylvania. Children in Ohio and Pennsylvania are busily convincing parents that broccoli is, in fact, poison hemlock.

The PA Ballet officially changed its name to the Philadelphia Ballet. To celebrate their new identity, they’ll kick off the summer season performing Swan Lake With Handguns.

Officials at Cape Cod beaches say there’s a lifeguard shortage, so swimmers may have to “swim at their own risk”. They also say not to be fooled by sharks spinning a whistle in their fin.

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NASA’s Pereseverance rover successfully landed on Mars, where it was promptly roverjacked, forced to drive to an ATM to withdraw money and stripped for parts. NASA believes there may, indeed, be life on Mars.

Two women were arrested for an incident at an Atlanta AMC movie theater, when one of them shot a woman who shushed them. Police identified the couple from surveillance footage of them buying popcorn and bullets at the concession stand.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz returned from Cancun after public outrage for his abandoning Texas during their storm crisis. Texas’ other Senator, John Cornyn, could not be reached for comment while he remained on a sex tour of Thailand.

Former Trump ally-turned-critic Nikki Haley reportedly asked for a meeting with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago, but was turned down. Conflicting reports claim Trump agreed to the meeting, but insisted it happen in a hot tub.

A former 60 Minutes producer claims Ghislaine Maxwell admitted video exists of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton engaged in sexual activity at Epstein properties, but she “doesn’t know where they are”, except the ones shown at Mar-a-Lago Member Movie Night.

A white man from Tennessee was arrested for using former President Obama’s name and presidential seal on a handgun permit application. Cops grew suspicious when he entered the full name as The Rock Obama.

A new study claims Neanderthals were wiped out 42,000 years ago, from a climate crisis caused by a reversal of the Earth’s magnetic poles. “Yeah, bullsh*t” said velociraptors.

Retired MLB All-Star Johnny Damon was charged with DUI in Florida. Damon’s blood alcohol content of .200 was over twice the legal limit, but still got him dropped to eighth in the batting order.

$23,000 raised in a GoFundMe for ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ Tessica Brown is under investigation to ensure the money is directed properly. Until then, it’s stuck.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz teamed up to say they’re being fraudulent used as endorsers of CBD Oil products. They reemphasized their endorsements are exclusive to psychiatric quackery and miraculous cures like acai & green coffee bean extract.

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Police in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania are looking for a woman who urinated on potatoes at a Walmart there. The Walmart manager is also looking for her to see if she’s planning to show up for her next shift.

Philadelphia Police believe robbers who stole $4,000 from a Chipotle restaurant are the same ones who robbed two Popeye’s chicken locations over the weekend. Law enforcement remains on the lookout for the Clogged Artery Bandits.

100 million Capital One customers were the victim of a massive data breach. What’s in your wallet? If you’re a hacker, probably a few dozen social security numbers.

Actress and co-star of the original ‘Top Gun’, Kelly McGillis, said she was never contacted about appearing in the ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ sequel, claiming she was Goose’d by producers.

A Maryland man missing for five days in the woods was rescued after being spotted by a volunteer’s drone equipped with a camera. The drone owner said he was surprised to find the man, since he typically only uses it to look in bedroom windows.

Delta Airlines is taking heat for refusing to fly a service dog to the family of a two-year-old in California who suffers from seizure disorders. Delta first said the dog was a pit bull – which is isn’t – then lied again, saying the dog couldn’t open the boarding pass on its smartphone.

Thailand’s highest restaurant and bar opened on the 76th and 77th floor of the King Mahanakhon Skyscraper in Bangkok. Owners are trying to keep the place classy by forcing Bangkok’s notorious hookers to take the stairs.

A new study claims 1 in 4 food delivery workers eat some of the food they’re bringing to customers. Delivery workers say the best way to prevent it from happening is ordering meals for delivery from Arby’s.

A 16-year-old Pottsgrove, Pennsylvania boy won $3 million as Champion of the first-ever Fortnite World cup video game competition. Asked what his plans are for the money, he didn’t know, other than getting the hell out of Pottsgrove, Pennsylvania.

Mat Fraser, “Fittest Man on Earth”, is seeking his fifth gold medal in this weekend’s 2019 Crossfit Games in Madison, Wisconsin. The games will be broadcast by word-of-mouth from everyone who’s constantly telling you they’re doing Crossfit.

 

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White House staff announced that President Trump invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to visit Washington in the fall.  Putin is expected to meet privately with Trump, and to pick up several million absentee ballots to take home.

Deaths from liver disease are surging, according to a study from the University of Michigan. The number of people in 2016 who died from cirrhosis of the liver increased 65% compared to 1999. The study authors blame increased alcohol consumption, and 17 years of partying like it was 1999.

Kiley White, 26, of New Jersey lied about having brain cancer to trick a couple into letting her stay with them for over a month. The couple grew suspicious when White said her radiation treatment was resting her head on the microwave while she heated Hot Pockets.

Ryan Bounds, a Trump Administration nominee for an Appellate Court judgeship, was removed from consideration after racially-charged essays from his days at Stanford University were brought to light. The GOP said they can’t have racists on the bench in Appellate Court, they need to save them for the Supreme Court.

Roseanne Barr posted a video to her YouTube channel, once again trying to explain her racist tweet comparing Obama aide Valerie Jarrett to an ape, saying “I thought the bitch was white!” So if you’re ever in a position of having to apologize to a black woman, just tell them you thought they were a white bitch.

The Miami Dolphins stirred controversy when they announced that players who protest on-field during the national anthem could be suspended for up to four games. The Dolphins backed down when they learned that players were planning to time their protests and suspensions to avoid travel to Cleveland and Buffalo.

Microsoft holds its “Inspire” show for developer partners this week, where it shows off all the new hardware they’ll stop making in two years.

Google Maps unveiled a new ‘motorcycle mode’ in several Asian markets – such as Hong Kong, Thailand & Philippines – where two-wheeled transportation is popular. It includes directions down streets that are too narrow for cars, and factors in the time riders spend regrouping after they crash into small animals and pedestrians.

A North Hollywood house featured in exterior shots on The Brady Bunch is listed for sale at $1,885,000.  The sellers will give higher consideration to purchasers agreeing to maintain the home, and not to play ball in it.

A researcher for the Kinsey Institute surveyed over 4,000 Americans, and found the #1 sex fantasy in the U.S. is a threesome. Women wanted to explore sex with another woman, and men liked getting two breakfasts afterward.

 

 

 

 

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Amazon announced a trial of Amazon Key, a service utilizing security cameras that allow delivery persons’ entry to Prime members’ homes to drop off packages. Amazon said the concept tested very favorably with single moms who rate their UPS guy an 8 or higher.

Bangkok, Thailand is holding a Royal Cremation Ceremony for King Bhumibol Adulyadej, who died a year ago. The Thai cremation does not utilize fire; they just keep stuffing red chilis in the King’s mouth until his body burns up.

The NAACP, citing what they believe are racially-motivated incidents, has advised black passengers to avoid flying on American Airlines. The NAACP’s warning was swiftly echoed for different reasons by everyone else who has ever flown American Airlines.

A Twitter poll from Men’s Health magazine found the top answer to “What pisses you off most at the gym?’ was ‘machine hogging’, followed by ‘not wiping down equipment’, followed by ‘being there’.

Ford Motor Company announced a major shakeup, promoting five women to senior executive positions. Corporate earnings forecasts were adjusted downward, due to higher heating costs for the women’s offices.

A test of popular baby food brands by the Clean Label Project found that over a third of the samples tested positive for lead, and over 60% were positive for arsenic. Parents are said to be concerned about the arsenic, but that the lead actually leaves their babies feeling pretty full.

Kellogg’s will replace boxes of Corn Pops after getting complaints that the box art – depicting cartoon corn pops at a shopping mall – is racially insensitive. The pops are mostly shown playing around, but a lone brown corn pop in the scene is a janitor waxing the floor. Kellogg’s apologized, saying the janitor was supposed to be working on a box of Cocoa Krispies.

Figures from the British Horse Racing Authority show that thoroughbreds owned by England’s Queen Elizabeth II have earned her $8 million over the last 30 years. Although another report from the British Gaming Authority shows that she’s lost $20 million on craps.

A four-time Iditarod dog sled champion, who finished second in this year’s race, claimed sabotage after his four dogs tested positive for opioid painkillers. Other mushers aren’t so sure, noting the dogs’ poor obedience school grades and a stolen prescription pad found in their doghouse.

President Trump pushed back at outgoing GOP senators and outspoken critics Bob Corker and Jeff Flake, describing his visit to the Senate to push tax reform as a “love fest”. He then returned to the White House to meet with Melania, in what observers described as a “frigid fest.”