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Cameo introduced Cameo Live, where, for a fee, you can have a 10-minute call with a celebrity. Bill collectors are happy to have a new way to get in touch with Vanilla Ice.

Grossinger’s Catskill Resort Hotel, which inspired the fictional Kellerman’s in Dirty Dancing, was destroyed by fire. Comedian Rich Little is still scheduled to appear.

Three inmates were charged with the murder of notorious gangster Whitey Bulger in a West Virginia prison in 2018. Investigators took four years because all three would be facing their fifth life sentence.

A Motley Crue fan was injured after falling from the upper deck of Indianapolis’ Lucas Oil Stadium during the band’s Stadium Tour concert. Calls for medical assistance were answered by a Dr. Feelgood, but it turns out he was just there to sell drugs.

January 6th rioter Riley Williams, who stole Nancy Pelosi’s laptop, was granted a request to attend the Pennsylvania Renaissance Fair on Sunday while she’s on house arrest. The Queen of the Faire hired additional guards to prevent an overthrow.

SoulCycle is closing 20 studios across the U.S., angering instructors. Executives dismissed their complaints, saying finding a new job is just like riding a bike.

A 21-year-old restaurant server posted a TikTok video saying she puts her hair in pigtails because doing so means she gets bigger tips. She also needs them to drape over her bare nipples.

Video of Finland’s married Prime Minister Sanna Marin dancing with a ‘mystery man’ at a club has residents calling for an explanation and saying her marriage may be Finnished.

A mob ransacked a California 7-Eleven after frightened employees fled the store. Looters stole cigarettes, drinks, lottery tickets and other items. Although police managed to arrest the ones who stuck around too long microwaving stolen burritos.

Women are reportedly diagnosing themselves with ADHD after watching Tik Tok videos. Or, watching parts of videos because they don’t have the attention span to finish.

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Fashion author Jill Gutowitz is quoted in the New York Post claiming dressing ‘like a lesbian’ is a “powerful fashion trend”. Others dispute her claim, yet high school softball teams are forefeiting games as players quit to become runway models.

First responders were called to a massive fire at a Walmart distribution center outside Indianapolis. It’s being called “the biggest Walmart worker smoke break ever”.

A new Selena album is planned for release 27 years after her death. Superfans are warned not to buy tour tickets.

Russia banned Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from entering the country, effectively shutting down plans for the World’s Worst Spring Break.

Tesla closed its Shanghai Gigafactory for two days as COVID cases spike in China. Workers welcomed the chance to spend two days with their children who are on a two-day break from the Apple factory.

A British woman says her TikTok accounts are repeatedly shut down because of her 38J breasts. TikTok responded it’s not just because they’re big, it’s because they’re too wide to be viewed in Portrait Mode.

A 20-year-old Canadian woman with natural 28H breasts convinced doctors who’d called her “too young” to surgically reduce them to C-cups. She claimed her massive breasts caused migraine headaches, but doctors concluded they were concussions from jumping rope.

Florida police arrested 108 adults in a human trafficking sting, including four Disney employees, in ‘Operation March Sadness 2’. That name edged out the runner-up, ‘Operation Unhappiest Place On Earth’.

Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen said the band’s setlist from the upcoming Stadium Tour with Motley Crue, Poison, & Joan Jett will include songs from a new Def Leppard album. Allen said it’s because concertgoers need time to buy beer and t-shirts.

Medical experts claim excessive daytime napping could be an early sign of dementia – or just that you’ve been working too long for the cable company.

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Norway’s worst mass murderer in the nation’s history appeared at his parole hearing and started it with a Nazi salute, which the parole board called “a real time-saver”.

Philadelphia now requires vaccination for indoor dining. Those without proper vaccine status are encouraged to go to North Philly where they can be shot twice in no time.

U.S. communications providers Verizon and AT&T delayed the deployment of 5G signals near airports due to the risk of interference with aircraft instruments, though it won’t interfere with Spirit Airlines tin can-and-string communication systems.

Cracker Barrel was ordered to pay a customer $9.4 million for serving a glass of cleaning chemicals instead of water, permanently damaging his throat. They’re also being criticized for their first aid response, which involved stuffing his mouth with biscuits to soak up the chemical.

Saturnino de la Fuente, Guinness record holder as World’s Oldest Man, died in Spain at the age of 112 years, 341 days. Guinness contacted de la Fuente’s family to ask if they wouldn’t mind shipping the plaque to some other old dude.

A Japanese man with a graduate degree in physics rents himself out to ‘do nothing’ with strangers at a rate of $90 for several hours. He plans to emigrate to the United States and raise his rate to $174,000/year as a member of the Senate.

A Tesla owner was charged with felony manslaughter after putting the car on autopilot, driving through a red light and killing the occupants of another vehicle. The driver pled not guilty, and the car hired its own lawyer.

Texas rapper Sad Frosty died unexpectedly at age 24. First responders were unable to revive him by placing an old silk hat they found on his head.

The Taliban ordered all shop owners to behead their mannequins, because they’re “idols” banned by Islam. Shop owners are struggling to find cantaloupes so they can properly display hooded sweatshirts.

A woman posted on TikTok that her husband prepared “hormone food” to remedy her infertility, and that she’s now pregnant. She credits the delicious meals which she ate during lunches with the teenager who cleans their pool.

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Rutledge Deas IV, 31, of Metairie, Louisiana, was arrested for faking being handicapped to get caregivers to change his diapers. He was found guilty of the same crime in 2019, and was sentenced to probation and unsuccessful toilet training.

Rather than pay $22,000 to replace the battery in his 2013 Tesla Model S, a man in Finland filled it with 66 pounds of dynamite and blew it up. A YouTube video of the explosion has racked up thousands of views, but the man says he can’t find his dog.

A former TikTok content moderator is suing the company, saying she screened thousands of traumatic videos, but the company did nothing to protect her mental health. Asked what was in the videos, she said mostly teachers and dads dancing.

Yu Siang Garden, a Chestnut Hill, Pennsylvania Chinese restaurant, was robbed on Christmas Day. It’s a crime that had many other would-be robbers saying to themselves “now why didn’t I think of that?”

Multiple cruise ships are reporting COVID outrbreaks and are returning to their home ports. These include the Norwegian Corona, Carnival Delta, and Royal Caribbean Omicron.

T Mark Taylor, designer of the original He-Man and Masters of the Universe toys, died at age 80 in Southern California, but he will live on through Eternia.

A woman was disinvited from her friend’s wedding party because she was told she looked too good in the bridesmaid dress. She’s doing fine, but four of the ushers and groomsmen volunteered to check on her just in case.

Ayanna Davis, 20, a substitute teacher at a Florida high school, admitted to sex with an underaged student, which was recorded and shown to members of the football team. Police have not seen the video but are trying to find it, and are being aided in their search by every teen boy at the high school.

Las Vegas police who pulled over a pickup truck for a routine traffic stop found a severed head and several other body parts stuffed in a cooler. Cops arrested the man, who they describe as a “pretty terrible magician”.

Actress Valerie Bertinelli shared a tearful Instagram video discussing her struggles with weight and body image, then deleted thousands of comments under it from people making bad “take it ‘One Day At A Time'” puns.

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President Biden will make 500 million at-home COVID tests available for free – just pay $9.95 for shipping & handling.

A female rookie NYC Police officer was recorded giving a lap dance to her married lieutenant at the precinct Christmas party. The lieutenant was busted down to transit duty, and the rookie officer was promoted to lieutenant.

The state of California sued Walmart for illegally dumping over one million items of hazardous waste. Walmart said they had to, because the Lunchables had expired.

The Grove, a high-end outdoor shopping complex in Los Angeles, now installs barbed-wire-like metal coil fencing after hours to prevent smash-and-grab robberies. A spokesman said it’s there to encourage a return to traditional daylight shoplifting.

Peloton shares tumbled when executives said sales of exercise bikes and treadmills fell 17% in the most recent quarter. They announced a recovery plan – selling less-expensive bicycle-and-treadmill shaped clothes hangers.

Health experts say people may not know they have the Omicron COVID variant, since its symptoms most mirror the common cold: runny nose, sneezing, sore throat, and calling out of work because you’ve “never been this sick in your life”.

Rite-Aid is closing 60 locations, but promises to provide assistance to relocate the panhandlers in front of the affected stores.

Christina Aguilera marked her 41st birthday by posting topless photos to Instagram, captioning them ‘XTINA XLI’ – though most people who’ve seen the photos would call them ‘XTINA DDD’

Viral TikTok ‘stars’ the Island Boys attended Jake Paul’s knockout victory over Tyron Woodley in Tampa, but were booed and doused with beer. Their appearance also angered gamblers who’d bet heavily that Jake Paul would be the biggest douchebag to show up at the fight.

‘Frodo’, the last surviving pit bull from Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring passed away peacefully at age 15. Before he died, Frodo enjoyed a steak dinner, then told his puppies his last wish – that they repeatedly piss on Michael Vick’s leg.

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Comcast introduced a new Video Doorbell to its Xfinity Home Security service, so you can see your empty front porch at the time the guy was supposed to show up to fix your tv service.

Amazon devices with the Alexa assistant now feature a Santa Claus voice. “Ho! Ho! Ho!..set your own goddamn kitchen timer, there’s only a week ’til Christmas Eve you dope”, said Santa/Alexa.

Melania Trump is selling NFTs. The first ones are from her topless modeling sessions, so they’re Nude Fake T*ts.

A troubling TikTok challenge urges school violence on December 17th. But a new wrinkle limits participation to only students who successfully complete the milk crate challenge in the school parking lot.

An FDA decision expands the ability of women in approved states to receive an abortion pill in the mail from a certified prescriber. However, overnight shipping is still the patient’s responsibility.

Former White House Communications Director Alyssa Farah spoke to CNN about the text she sent to Chief of Staff Mark Meadows while the January 6th riots unfolded; a text which read “where are our goddamn Big Macs?”

Pope Francis turns 85 today. So if you’re wondering where all the young boys around Vatican City are, it’s the birthday party.

Sony showed off its new smartphone camera sensor that gathers twice as much light to improve photos – huge news for the four Americans who buy Sony smartphones.

Miss Alaska was crowned Miss America – reinforcing the pageant’s strategic shift away from judging based on physical beauty.

Actor Chris Noth is accused by two women of sexual assault, marking the first time a Law & Order actor has been investigated by Law & Order SVU.

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Scientists discovered a new ‘super jelly’, a gelatinous subtance that can retain its shape even after being run over by a truck. They discovered it under the peanut butter in a public school cafeteria sandwich.

Xenobots, the world’s first ‘living’ robots created from stem cells, can now reproduce. The researchers who created them plan to share video at a biology conference, right after they upload it to Pornhub.

8-year-old North West started a joint TikTok account with her mom, Kim Kardashian. She already has over 1.2 million followers, because if there’s anyone who knows how to create a following with video, it’s Kim Kardashian.

Virologist Alex Sigal, who helped discover the Omicron variant of COVID-19, warned of its potential, saying Omicron has already been admitted to four Ivy League schools.

The Gucci family slammed the recent Ridley Scott drama ‘House of Gucci’, saying it portrays the family as “ignorant” and that they may sue. Scott’s lawyers plan a vigorous defense, saying if the Guccis spent $12 each to watch his awful movie, they really are ignorant.

Philadelphia’s Chocolate Ballerina Company – a dance group featuring persons of color – will debut ‘The Nutcracker Dipped In Chocolate‘, allowing a more diverse ethnic representation of performers to bore an audience for three hours.

NASA postponed a planned International Space Station spacewalk on account of debris. They’ll reschedule once SpaceX and Blue Origin launch crews of repeat DUI offenders to clean the debris up.

Madonna got a new tattoo on her wrist – Hebrew characters which, loosely translated, read “my wrist hurts”.

University of Southern California apologized for fans chanting “f*** the Mormons” during Saturday’s football loss to Brigham Young University. In reply, BYU fans in attendance chanted “Ok, but we need to get married first”.

Tiger Woods told Golf Digest that, in the wake of his auto accident, he’ll never be a “full-time player” again, saying that he now only has two side pieces.

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Due to a driver shortage, Massachusetts activated the National Guard to drive school buses. They’ll be paid the standard rate, plus whatever lunch money they can take from wimps.

Boston will elect its first non-white Mayor in the city’s history, as all candidates are persons of color. The frontrunner is Councilor Michelle Wu. “Wu-hu!” said her supporters after the primary. “Wu-Who?” asked non-voters.

Environmentalists are outraged that an annual dolphin hunt in the remote Faroe Islands killed far too many for the residents who rely on dolphin meat to eat, and that surplus will go wasted. That is, until Arby’s introduced their new Flipper Reuben.

Pfizer said they’ll seek approval for a COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5-12 in November, leading to a national lollipop shortage.

School districts in the U.S. claim that new viral TikTok ‘Bathroom Challenges’ encourage students to damage fixtures, with the one causing the most damage declared winner. They say the worst damage to fixtures occurs on Taco Tuesday.

Instagram is looking at ways to deemphasize its emphasis on women’s bodies, after a study found the site is “toxic” for many teen girls. So, bad news for the Kardashians, and great news for cats.

Kendall Jenner told Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon how she found out sister Kylie is pregnant, and that she wasn’t “shocked”. She wasn’t shocked, and found out, because she walked in on rapper Travis Scott & Kylie having sex.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX will launch the first all-civilian crew into orbit on Wednesday night. They’ll orbit Earth for approximately four days, or until one of them figures out how to get back sooner.

NASA awarded contracts to five companies to provide lunar landers for upcoming missions, including Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, and – in the biggest surprise – Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

Alaska’s largest hospital said they’re implement new crisis care protocols due to overwhelming COVID cases, saying all the ventilators running at once are melting the ICU’s.

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A woman is banned from an Antwerp, Belgium zoo because her “affair” with Chita, a 38-year-old male chimpanzee, is hindering his acceptance by the other chimps. That, and Chita’s wife is still pretty pissed off.

A Stockton, California man is accused of shoplifting, then running over an employee’s foot with his wheelchair. He remains at large, despite taking five minutes to load into the getaway van after the theft.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam to announce a donation of 1 million doses of the COVID-19 vaccine. However, China one-upped her, promising 2 million doses, which are reportedly better because they’re vaccines derived from the same coronavirus they made in a lab.

An Afghan woman gave birth to a baby during her evacuation flight from Kabul. She received requests from 10 other passengers to please shut her kid up.

Estes model rocket company is selling a $69.99 replica of the Blue Origin ship that Jeff Bezos rode into space, if you don’t mind having it appear as though your kid is launching a dildo into the air from your backyard.

New York City’s Police Department will issue new “easier to fire” handguns to rookie recruits, saying the reduced pressure required on the trigger will improve the accuracy of bullets shot at unarmed civilians.

A new study from Montana State University identifies the areas of the U.S. most suitable for the invasive Asian Giant Hornet. They determined the Asian hornets are most likely to settle in areas within a 20-minute delivery radius for decent cashew shrimp.

TikTok has disabled the ability to search “milk crate challenge” and removed some of the videos. TikTok’s spokesman said they’re deleting some of the videos, and urging influencers to stick with eating Tide Pods instead.

Scientists conducted tests revealing that Stonehenge is made from a nearly indestructible ancient material — scones.

Actress Letitia Wright was hospitalized following an on-set accident filming her role as Shuri in the Marvel sequel Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Wright was not wearing her Vibranium suit at the time.

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New Jersey is building its second offshore wind farms, just as soon as local crime bosses have enough bodies to fill in the giant underwater concrete pylons.

Colon cancer rising in young adults because of sugary drinks. The Surgeon General declared a Mountain Dew Code Red.

Florida condominium owners are debating selling their units in the wake of the Miami Surfside collapse. They’re worried about sharp drops in both value and altitude.

Over 180 people nationwide were killed by guns over the July 4th weekend. Chicago is considering cancelling next year’s fireworks and just scheduling a firefight.

Wildfires in the U.S. are so bad, even Hawaii is experiencing one. It’s a California wildfire on vacation.

Pope Francis is hospitalized following colon surgery, to fix an irregularity discovered by an altar boy.

Black TikTok’ers are on strike since Juneteenth and not creating dances, because they say they’re tired of white TikTok’ers stealing them and getting credit. In other news, the most popular dance on TikTok since Juneteenth is the Macarena.

WWE superstar wrestler Jimmy Uso was arrested for DUI, driving with a blood alcohol level of .205. Uso failed a field sobriety test, he was asked to hit the arresting officer with a folding chair and missed.

Monday marked Aphelion Day, when Earth is at its farthest point from the Sun. Fearing the added distance will diminish their tan, Jersey Shore beachgoers put their chairs on cinderblocks.

Britney Spears’ manager Larry Rudolph resigned, saying he believes Britney wants to retire from singing. He came to the conclusion after listening to Britney sing.