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‘Thursday’ is a new dating app that only works on Thursdays, and all of a user’s matches disappear at the end of the day. Men who go on dates with women can keep dating them if it goes well, or label them C U Next Thursday if it doesn’t.

Russian chess player Amina Abakarova was suspended from competitive play after poisoning her opponent by spraying mercury on their pieces. Abakarova may also be disqualified from her upcoming appearance in the Werther’s Originals Checkers Grand Nationals.

Swimmers were shocked to see an alligator swimming in Lake Erie near Erie, Pennsylvania. The alligator isn’t exactly thrilled to be in Erie, Pennsylvania either.

A 7.1 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Japan triggered a tsunami warning, and a potential oversupply of sushi.

A California teacher was shocked when she discovered a bear had broken into her classroom and eaten all the granola bar snacks. She was even more shocked when the bear’s mother showed up to complain that the granola bars her child ate weren’t gluten free.

New research finds harmful bacteria can survive being microwaved. Although the bacteria eventually die from ingesting Hot Pockets and Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

A woman died of suicide after choking herself to death on a baggage carousel at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Meanwhile, at Philadelphia Airport, at least 3 people died after collapsing after 7 hours waiting at a baggage carousel.

Two people were stabbed at a Philadelphia rehab center. One was stabbed and the other restabbed.

The Biden Administration is sponsoring new regulations to make it easier to unsubscribe to apps and online services, and to require the ability to speak with a live customer service rep. If passed, it’s expected to create millions of new jobs in India.

After Kamala Harris championed exempting service worker’s tips from taxes, Donald Trump said she doesn’t have any of her own ideas, she just steals his. Harris plans to greet Trump at their September debate by grabbing him by the balls.

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Police are searching for an Oklahoma man who defecated in a grocery store freezer, where a woman put her hands in it while reaching for Totino’s Pizza Rolls. She still eats pizza rolls, but has sworn off Fudgsicles for life.

COVID-19 is now the number one cause of death among U.S. law enforcement officers. In a rare act of unity, the Bloods, Crips, MS-13 and Latin Kings have all made COVID-19 an honorary member.

Rapper Saweetie teamed up with Hidden Valley Ranch to endorse a limited edition of Crocs footwear, whose green-flecked beige color mimics the look of the salad dressing, while the rubber of the shoes mimics the taste of vegetables dipped in it.

According to the American Customer Satisfaction Index survey, McDonald’s is the “least-trusted” U.S. fast-food chain. Conversely, Arby’s is the chain most-trusted to make respondents feel ill.

The Justice Department is reviewing its policies on housing transgender inmates in federal prisons, including guidelines for honeymoon nights when transgender prisoners get married.

Copenhagen was named ‘World’s Safest City’ by The Economist. Through 15 pages of single-spaced listings, still no sign of Chicago.

Habitual users of cannabis, especially teens, are reportedly experiencing severe abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting. Emergency room doctors in legal-marijuana states blame the new Hidden Valley Ranch line of THC edibles.

Antoine Dodson – star of the viral 2010 “Hide yo wife, hide yo kids” video – started a GoFundMe to pay funeral expenses for his mother. “Find yo credit cards, find yo Paypal” he says in a new video.

Actor Jason London, star of 1993’s ‘Dazed and Confused’ was arrested for DUI after police found him behind the wheel of a car that crashed, was stuck in a ditch and on fire. Cops described the vehicle as “a lot like London’s career”.

Bam Margera’s wife has not yet filed for divorce, but is seeking sole custody of their 3-year-old son. She said she’d like Bam to have visitation rights, but supervised, and only after he’s removed the beehive from his head.

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Kelly Clarkson claims her estranged husband Brandon Blackstock defrauded her out of millions, singing ‘Since you been gone, I’m missing a lot of money’.

TIME Magazine named Joe Biden & Kamala Harris ‘Person of the Year’, becoming the first national periodical to forget how to pluralize nouns.

Over 100 Republican members of Congress and 18 state Attorneys General joined Texas’ lawsuit to overturn the election. To support their case, they provided the court with Amicus Briefs, and sack after sack of their letters to Santa Claus.

On Monday, the Electoral College will convene to confirm Joe Biden’s presidential victory over Donald Trump; but first, they will convene Saturday night for the traditional Electoral Kegger.

Target recalled over 70,000 pairs of light-up children’s boots, because parts can present a choking hazard. Customers will receive a full refund, and a bonus tutorial video about keeping children from eating boots.

Online gaming service Steam reported a new record, with one million gamers simultaneously playing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’. Multiple cities reported power outages due to simultaneous microwaves reheating Totino’s pizza rolls.

Ellen Degeneres tested positive for COVID-19. Her annual Twelve Days of Giveaways now include gift cards, trips, televisions, high fever & difficulty breathing.

SpaceX plans to test another prototype of its Mars rocket, just days after their last test rocket exploded upon landing. In other news, 10 monkeys submitted their resignations to SpaceX.

Australia cancelled development of their own COVID-19 vaccine, after trial participants showed ‘false positive’ test results for HIV. “See, we TOLD you vaccines make you gay!” said the top story on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club.

Marvel Films will not recast Black Panther following the death of Chadwick Boseman – dealing another devastating blow to the acting comeback of Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones.

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Amazon is developing its own coronavirus test for workers. It’s a stick they drop in the urine-filled soda bottle they used during a 12-hour shift with no breaks.

Banksy is working from home during the COVID-19 lockdown and was concussed after blacking out from spray paint fumes.

Millions of Americans may lose their $1,200 stimulus checks to debt collectors. The debt collectors are also broke and have had to take second jobs tying damsels to railroad tracks.

Dietitians recommend whole grains, probiotics, fish, and leafy green vegetables to improve your mood during lockdown. In other news, Totinos Pizza Rolls obliterated their sales record for the second straight month.

Following an anonymous tip, 17 bodies were recovered from a New Jersey nursing home. Insiders believe the tipster was the resident who woke up one morning with 17 roommates.

Forbes magazine posted tips to keep your glasses from fogging while wearing them with a facemask. Tip #1 is to not look at porn while wearing a facemask and glasses.

Facebook added a new reaction emoji, “Care”, to its Like button. It’s a smiley face hugging a heart. Asked why there isn’t a “Don’t Care” button, Zuckerberg said you already have Hide Post, Unfollow & Unfriend.

Apple launched the iPhone SE2, a new handset priced at $399. CEO Tim Cook said the new phone is a way for poor people to feel kinda cool.

AMC Theaters is hoping to salvage operations by raising $500 million cash in a private offering – they’re selling all their leftover popcorn.

Whole Foods is converting some stores to online-only. You can place orders for two week’s worth of groceries and also complete a financing application to pay for them.

 

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The American Academy of Opthalmology reports pinkeye can be an early indicator of COVID-19 infection – an opinion shared by the American Academy of Ass-Eaters.

3.28 million workers applied for unemployment benefits last week – spiking both the unemployment rate and boring stories from grandparents who say they never called in sick, ever.

Men are 50% more likely to die from COVID-19 infection, since they won’t ask directions to testing sites.

The $2 trillion federal stimulus package suspends student loan payments for six months, which probably makes it a full year when tacked on to your lazy slacker kid’s repayment record.

AMC movie theatres laid off all 600 corporate employees. If you’d like to donate $10 to a relief fund, you’ll get a small popcorn – same as usual.

The Great Barrier Reef just experienced its most widespread bleaching event on record. It’s killing the corals, but sea turtles are just relieved it’s disinfected.

Media regulator Ofcom claims microwave oven usage slows down wifi signals. They advise you to heat pizza rolls first, then start your porno movie.

Idaho’s governor approved a new law making 16 the minimum age for people to get married in the state, leaving Idaho wedding planners holding the bag on thousands of dollars worth of Paw Patrol-themed wedding decorations.

  • “Great, now we have to get bus tickets to Mississippi” said a couple of hopeless romantic 12-year-olds.

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late wildlife expert Steve Irwin, married Chandler Powell in Queensland’s Australia Zoo. The second-hardest part was holding the ceremony during COVID-19 lockdown; the hardest part was getting the orangutans into bridesmaid dresses.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that the state’s social distancing efforts may be working to slow the spread of COVID-19.  Hot New York City chicks say it’s also working to ghost their soon-to-be-ex-boyfriends.

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After a harrowing ordeal lasting almost three weeks, all 12 member boys and the coach of the Wild Boars soccer team have been successfully rescued from a flooded cave in Thailand. The Boars forfeited two games and took the pitch just in time to lose 72-0 on Monday night.

President Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the open seat on the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh dislikes abortion, but likes guns, unfettered executive branch power, and long walks on the beach.

As Trump held a press conference introducing Kavanaugh, Stormy Daniels was stripping nearby at local club The Cloakroom. Her show charged $50, or $200 if you wanted to Daniels to sit on your bench.

Following an eight-year search, Australian researchers have captured a massive, 1,300 pound crocodile as it lurked near a boat ramp in a river.  The researchers said they wanted to capture and isolate it to prevent it from “interacting with humans” — noting that the croc is a Registered Toddler-Eating Offender.

  • The croc will now “be taken to a croc farm” in Australia’s Katherine region. “We’re getting the f**k out of here” said chickens currently residing on the farm.

A husband and wife participating in a Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines ‘Extreme Caribe Zip Line Tour’ collided while on the lines, killing the husband. Asked what safety measures were in place, the cruise’s tour director replied “zip”.

Todd, a golden retriever that defended its owner Paula Godwin from a rattlesnake, was invited as a guest of honor to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. Todd and Godwin took the field before the game, but the dog left after two innings because he was bored.

Four young men swooped into an Apple store in Fresno, California, stealing $27.000 worth of Apple laptops and iPhones in under a minute. A man attempting to block the thieves from leaving the store was knocked over. The thieves remain at large, and the injured man returned to his station behind the Hero Bar.

Peggy Frank, a 63-year-old U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Southern California was found dead in her mail truck on Friday, while delivering mail in temperatures registering near 120 degrees. She could not be saved despite resuscitation attempts by paramedics and people wondering where their Social Security checks were.

The World Health Organization and the United Nations Health Agency reasserted their warnings that parents should moderate their kids’ video game play when gaming ‘takes over other activities’. However, the WHO and UN were roundly criticized by both the International Game Developers Association, and the makers of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

For the second time in as many days, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was heckled out of a restaurant by protesters. McConnell was clearly frustrated, but should have known there would be trouble when he saw more than one other customer in a Long John Silver’s.