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A woman was arrested at an airport in Colombia for attempting to smuggle 130 poisonous dart frogs in her luggage. Worse, each of the frogs had swallowed several tiny balloons filled with cocaine.

Researchers believe they’ve found a link between ALS and smoking. They’re considering changing it from Lou Gehrig’s Disease to Joe Camel Disease.

Economists predict Valentine’s Day spending to top $14 billion – no thanks to your cheap boyfriend and his grocery store bouquet.

Two men drifting in the ocean after their boat sank were rescued by a passing Carnival Cruise ship – but only after the men asked if there was another, nicer, cruise ship coming along anytim soon.

Legendary singer/dancer/actress Chita Rivera died. She’s survived by her lesser-known sister, PlaysByTheRules Rivera.

National Geographic listed their 2024 Top Travel Destinations, including West Virginia. In other news, National Geographic’s Senior Travel Editor entered rehab for treatment of addiction to methamphetamine.

A 60-year-old woman was arrested after attacking a Frontier Airlines flight attendant who kept her from using the lavatory while the plane descended for landing in Philadelphia. Either way, sh*t was gonna go down.

UPS is cutting over 12,000 jobs, mostly middle management and contractors, but not whoever’s emailing to tell you your package shipped when they’ve only printed a label.

The maker of popular Stanley travel mugs say they contain lead, but are still safe, and that drinking from them will make you feel fuller, faster.

Elmo the Muppet posted on X to ask how everyone’s feeling, and many responded that they’re not doing great and may need help. Elmo sympathized, saying it hasn’t been easy living with a guy’s hand up his ass for over forty years.

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The city of Philadelphia is suing e*cigarette maker Juul for creating a “dangerous health epidemic”. Hearing the news, every cheesesteak shop in the city lawyered up.

A bakery in Hatboro, Pennsylvania is selling $4 cookies bearing the name of Trump or Biden, then tracking purchases to see who wins the ‘Cookie Election’. The real losers of that election are dopes who pay $4 for a cookie.

The NFL said they’re “reimagining” the Pro Bowl. They’re imagining they’ll skip it.

Amy Coney Barrett was asked by a GOP Senator what Five Freedoms are guaranteed by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. She replied freedom of speech, religion, press… Wham! ‘Freedom’ and George Michael ‘Freedom ’90’.

Maki, a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur, is missing from the San Francisco Zoo. Zoo officials believe he was stolen, but other lemurs say he just went out because he’s finally old enough to drink.

The British government announced tougher coronavirus restricitions on London due to a surge in cases. It’s so bad, dolls have to sit six feet apart at tea parties.

John Cena married girlfriend Shay Shariatzadeh at a lawyer’s office in Florida on Monday. Shay Shariatzadeh-Cena becomes the world’s longest celebrity tongue-twister.

A Russian Soyuz rocket arrived at the International Space Station just three hours after launch – a new record. Despite the fast service, the Grubhub driver left without a tip.

Barron Trump tested positive for COVID-19, then it was determined a different kid took the test for him.

Amazon Prime Day concluded, marking the official kickoff to UPS Back Spasm Days.

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Philadelphia said city students without Internet access can do “remote learning” via wifi in parking lots, leading to a rash of kids stealing cars for school.

The FDA approved the first at-home tests for COVID-19, but there’s still a three-month wait for the at-home chemistry set you need to process it.

During a test run of its virtual NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals first-overall pick was delayed 2 1/2 minutes. The Bengals notified Commissioner Goodell, who said their call was important to him, and please stay on the line for the next available representative.

Georgia’s Governor Brian Kemp advised residents to maintain social distancing, but also reopened hair & nail salons. This followed Georgia Tech’s successful demonstration of six-foot-long scissors.

Upright Citizens Brigade closed its theater and training center in New York. Founders launched the first-ever Don’t Fund Me so performers can continue to not get paid.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy visited the Wildwood shore boardwalk to survey storm damage. He may declare it a disaster area, then return when tourists arrive in summer to declare it an even bigger disaster area.

Still no confirmation from North Korea regarding Kim Jong Un’s condition. At first a  spokesperson said “He’s unwell.” – then corrected themself to say “Un? He’s well.”

Reacting to the pandemic’s effect on people of color, a McDonald’s in Guangzhou, China temporarily banned black customers – then remembered they never had any.

Congress approved $484 billion in aid for small businesses and hospitals, an undisclosed amount of which has already been claimed by Trump 19th Hole Urgent Care.

Online booze sales increased 400% in April, leading to hundreds of UPS driver and mailman DUIs.

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The FDA approved Dsuvia, a new opioid tablet 10 times stronger than fentanyl and 1,000 times stronger than morphine.  To curb potential abuse, it will only be used in extreme cases such as emergency rooms, or to take prior to joining your extended family for Thanksgiving dinner.

An 11-year-old in a Phoenix suburb, told by his live-in grandmother to clean his room, shot her, then shot himself. Officials said that the room is now an even bigger mess.

A university theater student in Pennsylvania was arrested for secretly using his iPhone to record women he knew using the bathroom.  The women became suspicious when they emerged from the bathroom and he congratulated them on passing their audition.

A Scottish fisherman was rescued from a cliff after he was confronted and cornered by an aggressive colony of about 50 gray seals protecting their young. He was lowered into a boat by the Coast Guard, who responded after a Scottish SEAL team took the animals’ side.

Hutch, a 13-year-old Belgian Malinois police dog in Boynton Beach, Florida – credited with taking part in over 200 arrests – has died .. just one week short of finally retiring and getting his pension.

An off-duty NYPD officer was arrested in Brooklyn and charged with DUI after driving the wrong way down a one-way street and striking a parked car. He was taken into custody when on-duty NYPD officers saw the drunk cop giving himself a field sobriety test.

Susan Westwood, 51, of North Carolina, was shown on viral video harassing two black women waiting for AAA vehicle assistance. Westwood insulted them and bragged about being white, hot, and making $125,000 working for Spectrum Cable. She was fired from Spectrum, where she was a supervisor harassing people who were late paying their bill.

Beginning today, Amazon will offer free shipping to all its customers for items arriving in time for Christmas. Amazon’s warehouse workers and delivery drivers responded to the increased workload by increasing the size of bottles they urinate in from 16-ounce to two-liter.

Jury selection began Monday in the drug trafficking trial of legendary drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. The NYPD closed the Brooklyn Bridge to transport El Chapo from a Manhattan prison to the Brooklyn trial. El Chapo said it was unnecessary, since his employees had already built a special tunnel.

  • So far, prosecution attorneys have sent home several dozen prospective jurors who greeted El Chapo by name as they entered the courtroom.

Kim Kardashian said that husband Kanye West is harassing her to expand their family to seven children. Kardashian told a friend she doesn’t know if her body could handle the stress of watching so many surrogates have her kids.

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Google is launching an artificial intelligence research center in China. The launch has been delayed as two top executives of the center have already been dismissed for sexual harassment of sentient robots.

The crew aboard the International Space Station will be getting a special screening of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Although astronauts are balking at the $650,000 price tag for a bucket of popcorn and large Coke.

Democrat Doug Jones was declared the winner of the U.S. Senate race in Alabama, defeating Republican Roy Moore. With Moore projected to have so much free time, shopping malls in Alabama are increasing security details.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its newest inductees, including Bon Jovi, Cars, Moody Blues and Dire Straits. Among bands failing to make the cut – Radiohead, who finished the voting slightly behind The Noise An Old Dial-Up Modem Makes.

Following Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s call for him to resign, President Trump tweeted that she is a “lightweight” and a “flunky” who “would do anything” to get campaign contributions from him. “Yeah! She’d do anything for money!” said First Lady Melania Trump.

USA Today issued a scathing editorial Wednesday, saying Trump was unfit to clean the toilets at the Obama or George W. Bush libraries. Considering he can barely bend over to pick his own golf ball out of the cup, they may have a point.

In Indiana, a 2-year-old boy watching his sister’s 5-year-old junior wrestling match ran into the ring and tried dragging her opponent away. The referee halted the match momentarily, as the girl wrestler scolded her brother for white-knighting and being part of the under-6 wrestling patriarchy.

To cope with record online consumer spending and package delivery volume, UPS implemented a 70-hour, eight-day workweek for its drivers. “That’s it?” said Chinese teenagers assembling iPhones.

Following NFL Network’s suspensions of on-air talent for alleged misconduct, sports reporter Lindsay McCormick said that the NFL Network’s former head of hiring talent asked her in a job interview if she planned to get “knocked up”. The man claimed he was referring to the network’s poorly-named weekly montage of helmet-to-helmet hits, ‘Knocked Up’.

Cheshire Cheese Company in the U.K. is introducing Gin & Lemon flavored cheese, hoping to expand its market to fans of rapper Snoop Dogg.

 

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Amazon announced a trial of Amazon Key, a service utilizing security cameras that allow delivery persons’ entry to Prime members’ homes to drop off packages. Amazon said the concept tested very favorably with single moms who rate their UPS guy an 8 or higher.

Bangkok, Thailand is holding a Royal Cremation Ceremony for King Bhumibol Adulyadej, who died a year ago. The Thai cremation does not utilize fire; they just keep stuffing red chilis in the King’s mouth until his body burns up.

The NAACP, citing what they believe are racially-motivated incidents, has advised black passengers to avoid flying on American Airlines. The NAACP’s warning was swiftly echoed for different reasons by everyone else who has ever flown American Airlines.

A Twitter poll from Men’s Health magazine found the top answer to “What pisses you off most at the gym?’ was ‘machine hogging’, followed by ‘not wiping down equipment’, followed by ‘being there’.

Ford Motor Company announced a major shakeup, promoting five women to senior executive positions. Corporate earnings forecasts were adjusted downward, due to higher heating costs for the women’s offices.

A test of popular baby food brands by the Clean Label Project found that over a third of the samples tested positive for lead, and over 60% were positive for arsenic. Parents are said to be concerned about the arsenic, but that the lead actually leaves their babies feeling pretty full.

Kellogg’s will replace boxes of Corn Pops after getting complaints that the box art – depicting cartoon corn pops at a shopping mall – is racially insensitive. The pops are mostly shown playing around, but a lone brown corn pop in the scene is a janitor waxing the floor. Kellogg’s apologized, saying the janitor was supposed to be working on a box of Cocoa Krispies.

Figures from the British Horse Racing Authority show that thoroughbreds owned by England’s Queen Elizabeth II have earned her $8 million over the last 30 years. Although another report from the British Gaming Authority shows that she’s lost $20 million on craps.

A four-time Iditarod dog sled champion, who finished second in this year’s race, claimed sabotage after his four dogs tested positive for opioid painkillers. Other mushers aren’t so sure, noting the dogs’ poor obedience school grades and a stolen prescription pad found in their doghouse.

President Trump pushed back at outgoing GOP senators and outspoken critics Bob Corker and Jeff Flake, describing his visit to the Senate to push tax reform as a “love fest”. He then returned to the White House to meet with Melania, in what observers described as a “frigid fest.”