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A Texas man reclaimed his Guinness World Record by going skydiving at 106 years, 327 days old. He was awarded records for oldest skydiver, and oldest person to shit their pants in midair.

Actor Jaleel White, famous as nerd Steve Urkel on 90s sitcom ‘Family Matters’, got married in Los Angeles, before a live audience .. who were required to stick around for the wedding of another unemployed actor from 90s sitcom ‘Step By Step’.

Justin and Hailey Bieber announced they’re having a baby. Drake and Kendrick Lamar traded diss tracks arguing about what they should name it.

Actor Michael Douglas believes intimacy coordinators – who oversee sex scenes on film & tv productions – aren’t necessary, and that male actors should “take responsibility” during filming. Douglas is 79 years old and his sex scenes require a CPR coordinator.

A Virginia school board voted to restore Confederate names honoring Generals Stonewall Jackson and Turner Ashby to a high school and elementary school after those names were banned years ago. The name change could cost six figures, but the school board is hoping to find slaves to do the work for free.

The Senate passed a reauthorization bill for the Federal Aviation Administration, approving billions for airline safety, including money to paint warning labels on the side of every Boeing passenger aircraft.

The new NHL team in Salt Lake City, Utah revealed a list of 20 names under consideration following their relocation from Arizona. Although Polygamists, Teen Grooms and Cult Leaders probably won’t make the final cut.

NBA Dallas Mavericks Luka Doncic’s postgame press conference was interrupted by ‘sex noises’ coming from someone’s phone. Doncic laughed it off, adding that most NBA players don’t hear sex noises until at least 10 minutes after they’ve showered.

MIT researchers created a hair-thin curtain made of electrified silk capable of blocking noise transmission in a large room. Then they hung the curtain so they could have sex in the lab without the scientists on the other side hearing it.

A motorized Radio Flyer red wagon the size of an SUV is being put up for auction. It’s described as 100% street legal, unless you’re a toddler driving it under the influence of too many Capri Suns.

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Firefighters battling California’s Dixie wildfire report some property owners pointing guns at them as they try to rescue them from the approaching flames. Firefighters also didn’t know the Bloods and Crips own clubhouses near the fire.

The National Labor Relations Board reaffirmed the right of unions to put Scabby, the giant inflatable rat, in front of businesses using non-union labor. Local health departments will, however, still oppose giant non-inflatable rats inside of restaurants.

The U.S. Senate is set to approve a massive $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which is estimated to be enough money to repair one-third of the potholes in and around Philadelphia.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is asking hospitals to halt non-urgent procedures as COVID-19 cases soar in the state – risking an untimely halt to Texas’ massive cheerleader boob job industry before the start of football season.

Blake Moynes got engaged to The Bachelorette Katie Thurston on the show’s season finale, after Thurston ended a romance with another contestant, Justin Glaze, and a third contestant, Greg Grippo, quit. The couple are reportedly still engaged, at least until Thurston can track down one of the other two guys.

Fox Network’s Fantasy Island reboot premieres tonight, as Donald Trump demands to know how he can get on the show.

Harrison Ford vacationed in Croatia as he recovers from an injury suffered on the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Joint Replacement.

Twitter suspended Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene for spreading misinformation about vaccines. She’ll be reinstated in a week so she can resume spreading misinformation about vaccines.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards, a frontrunner to become permanent host, allegedly has a history of sexual harassment and poor workplace behavior. He admits he’s stronger in some categories and weaker in others.

Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is selling an NFT of her “Not Impressed” meme-face from her silver medal ceremony in 2012. It could sell for a 5-figure price, then be shown off by its owner to people making the Not Impressed face.

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Frontier Airlines announced plans to double in size. The low-cost carrier will service dozens of new cities, and add hundreds of new jobs losing baggage.

Donald Trump met with GOP Senators, urging them not to recess until they’d solved health care. Trump added “inaction is not an option” – which came as news not just to GOP Senators, but to every Congressperson, ever.

  • One Senator, hearing the President say “not to leave town” and “inaction is an option” quickly drafted a bill proposing a Monument to Irony.

A doctor in the U.K. examining a woman for cataracts instead found 27 contact lenses under her eyelid. The woman was able to save a lot of money on unnecessary cataract surgery and contact lens solution.

  • Her eyeball was found in a contact lens case on the woman’s nightstand.

‘Despacito’ broke the record for most-streamed song ever, with 4.6 billion streams, and 8.6 billion skips.

Robbers stole two blocks of award-winning vintage cheddar cheese from a farm show in southern England. The robbers are still at large, and Scotland Yard has beefed up security at area cracker factories.

WalMart is deploying a facial recognition system to detect unhappy shoppers in its stores. The system overloaded and crashed within a minute of launch.

  • Asked how it works, a WalMart developer said “it just takes everyone’s picture.”

Frances Gabe of Portland, OR, inventor of the world’s only self-cleaning house, died at age 101. Her house immediately quit.

Muppet Studios has finally spoken about the reasons given for firing Steve Whitmire, longtime voice of Kermit the Frog, saying that Whitmire displayed “unacceptable business conduct.” Whitmire called the firing a “betrayal”, and cited decades of verbal abuse by a blond pig.

Samsung launched its Bixby voice assistant to compete with Siri, Cortana & Google Voice. Samsung says that Bixby is good at responding to normal tasks, such as “Bixby read my texts..Bixby turn up the volume..Bixby call the fire department.”

Rosie O’Donnell angered conservatives by tweeting a game where you can make President Trump jump off a cliff. The developer promised an update where you can make Trump and Rosie jump while holding hands.

The U.S.’ second-highest ranking general has warned about threats to U.S. interests from rogue killer robots, many of which already have jobs at Amazon.

A new study indicates that Americans are having less sex than in the 90s – possibly because they’re 20 years older and not as hot looking.

Disney’s live action adaptation of Aladdin faces criticism for not hiring an Arab actress to play Jasmine. Disney replied, saying all of the Arab actresses are stuck at the airport.

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Bridal gown retailer Alfred Angelo suddenly declared bankruptcy, leaving over 7,500 brides who had bought their dresses angry, and 7,500 grooms faking being just as angry.

The 8th person at the infamous Donald Trump Jr. meeting with Russians at Trump Tower has been identified. He is ‘The Guy Who Reserved The Conference Room They’re In, Asking If They’re Almost Done Or If He Should Just Use A Different Room.’

The GOP Better Care Act appears to be doomed, as more Republican Senators pull their support. An angry President Trump said that Congress should Let Obamacare Die — which, coincidentally, is the name selected for the GOP’s 3rd Version of a health care bill.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told the Senate Judiciary Committee that they could call Donald Trump Jr and Paul Manafort to testify publicly about their interactions with the Russians. Committee Democrats were not available for comment, at least until they returned from a trip to Home Depot to buy pitchforks and torches.

A team of teenage Afghan women – initially barred from entering the U.S. – arrived to compete in the first Global Robotics Challenge in Washington D.C. Their robot is capable of gathering and sorting balls by color. No plans for a trip to The White House, since the robot would be incapable of finding any balls to sort.

Chipotle stock dropped 6% as reports surfaced of norovirus at a restaurant in Virginia. The restaurant closed temporarily to be completely sanitized. Customers who insisted on eating tainted food anyway were directed to nearby Arby’s and Taco Bell locations.

A retired Nevada corrections officer described the prison housing OJ Simpson as “a cruise ship with barbed wire.” In other words, a Carnival Cruise ship.

WalMart apologized for racist language on its website. The color of a cap for sale there was listed as “ni**er brown”. The listing for the cap was pulled entirely, even though “ni**er brown was outselling “cracker white” by ten-to-one.

Embark Veterinary, a canine genetics testing startup, has raised $4.5 million. It’s one of the first of its kind to offer genetics reports for dogs, similar to those offered for humans like Ancestry.com or 23andMe. The purpose is for dog owners to better understand the health needs of their pets, and for dogs to have boring conversations just like Ancestry.com customers do.

  • The founders considered offering similar reports for cats, before concluding that nobody cared.

Harley Davidson execs gave a disappointing sales forecast for the year, while saying they planned to lay off 5,400 employees. Those laid off workers will be given outplacement and discounts on choppers they can ride until they find themselves, mannnnnn…

  • Execs blamed the sales decline on lower volumes of middle managers who dream of being in Hells Angels.

Pizza Hut announced it’s hiring 14,000 new drivers. 13,000 to deliver pizzas, and 1,000 to drive customers to the emergency room.

The bodies of a Swiss couple who disappeared 75 years ago were found at the edge of a melting glacier. The couple, Marcelin and Francine Doumoulin, went to milk cows in a meadow and never returned. Their bodies were found in excellent condition, but unfortunately, the milk was sour.

Fox News host Sean Hannity slammed Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, saying he is “so anti-Trump”…the first case of the Fair Pot calling the Balanced Kettle black.

A new study states that Millennials are more willing to use credit to buy experiences, as opposed to incurring debt for material things. Among the experiences millennials cited are travel, learning new skills, and bankruptcy court.

 

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Disney Parks announced a makeover to Epcot Center – among the changes, a new roller coaster to replace a theater show about energy. Disney assured longtime Epcot fans that the roller coaster will be boring.

McDonalds’ smartphone app crashed on National Ice Cream Day, the same day users were promised a free vanilla cone. McDonalds apologized, telling customers that it isn’t real ice cream anyway.

The bag used by Neil Armstrong to collect moon rocks and dust during his Apollo mission is to be auctioned off. The bag is expected to fetch upward of $2 Million, but good luck finding the shoes to go with it.

Donald Trump attended the final rounds of the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships at Trump’s course in New Jersey. He tweeted his excitement that an amateur golfer led the tournament in its final round; since an amateur can’t collect the prize money, Trump figured he could have it.

Arizona Senator John McCain underwent surgery to remove a blood clot near his eye. Said President Trump “I like Senators who don’t get blood clots.”

Caitlyn Jenner said that she’s considering a run for a Senate seat in California, in order to promote transgender rights and Republican values. When asked what that means, she said she didn’t know, but since she’s a woman now, she figures anything is possible.

Jenner’s announcement raises the possibility that she and Kid Rock could both be U.S. Senators — and remember how hard everyone laughed when Gopher from The Love Boat was elected to Congress.

A woman UFC fighter started a GoFundMe to cover expenses to prepare for her September fight, and for her October/November/December concussion symptoms.

Florida police found a man’s stash of cocaine in a Cookie Monster doll during a traffic stop. They eagerly await a search warrant for the man’s Big Bird doll.

Actress  Jodie Whittaker will be the first woman to portray Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a scientist who can travel through time, but will now find a way to be late getting ready for stuff.

Actor & New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip on a $83 check at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Wahlberg says that after the meal, his large intestine was Hangin Tough.

Denver Broncos WR Cody Latimer is under scrutiny for his part in a brawl earlier this year in a Dayton Ohio strip club. Latimer said that he was trying to break up a fight between an bouncer and his uncle, and that he also regrets having a family reunion at a strip club.

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An 18 year-old competitor in the Wimbledon Junior Men’s Draw was ordered by tournament officials to change his underwear before a match, to comply with the All England Club’s ‘all-white’ apparel rules. The player complied, and swore off eating Taco Bell.

A security breach resulted in 6 million Verizon customers’ personal data being leaked online. The customers’ identities can now be stolen with 99% reliability.

NASA’s Juno mission has returned images and other data from Jupiter, with NASA scientists claiming Jupiter is nothing like they expected it to be.  Jupiter plans to update its Tinder profile.

Earlier this week an Evangelical group met with President Trump in the Oval Office. The members prayed with him, with some ‘laying hands’ on Trump, at least until the burning sensation overcame them and forced them to pull their hands away.

President Trump visited France at the invitation of newly-elected French President Macron. Along with their wives, they toured Napoleon’s Tomb. Trump said of the visit that Napoleon is both a “high quality person” and “one of his favorite ice creams.”

GOP Senators unveiled their newest draft health care bill on Thursday. Analysts say the bill features low-cost plans at bare-bones prices, while critics say the plans aren’t even health insurance, they’re just memberships to Planet Fitness.

TIME magazine provided a sneak peek at its upcoming cover, featuring Donald Trump Jr with red hands. TIME famously put President Trump on its cover as Person of the Year; Trump Jr may end up being Person Sentenced to Several Years.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley sent a letter to Donald Trump Jr asking that he testify before the Senate Judiciary committee about his meeting with a Russian lawyer. Grassley said he would have emailed, but that he didn’t want, like, the whole world to see it.

A ‘Kid Rock for Senate’ website has emerged, leading to speculation that Kid Rock will run for a Senate seat in his home state of Michigan. Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent swiftly volunteered to join the ticket as Vice Senators, before being told there is no such thing.

Thursday is National French Fry Day — which is like Prime Day, only for heart disease.

The left tackle on Kansas State’s football team has come out as gay. He described the response to his announcement as overwhelming love and support – despite coming from the blind side.