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The U.S. is reportedly assessing a leak at a Chinese nuclear power plant. The good news is that radioactivity kills coronavirus. [Story h/t to J.L!]

American middle distance runner Shelby Houlihan was disqualified from Olympic trials for a positive steroid test. Houlihan claims the steroids are from a pork burrito she ate. In other news, the U.S. track team dietician was fired. [Story h/t to T.C.!]

A survey from finance website Wallethub ranked New Jersey as the Number One U.S. state to live in, based on wages, education and the 4th-lowest crime rate in the country. “4th lowest? Get to work!” said New Jersey mob bosses.

Convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein held his head in his hands when learning of his extradition to California from New York to face five sexual assault charges, and when learning that he’ll have to fly coach on Spirit Airlines.

Mackenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, gave another $2.7 billion of her fortune to 286 organizations. Trump children went 0-for-5 on their applications.

Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil cancelled his next scheduled solo appearance after his voice gave out. His band said if he can’t get his voice in shape before their 2022 Stadium Tour, they’ll use recorded vocal tracks and tour as Motley Vanotley.

Two people were hospitalized for injuries riding a log flume at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. The log reportedly “tipped up on an angle”, but then behaved normally once park workers removed dead bodies from the water.

Royal Caribbean delayed its first cruise since shutting down for the pandemic, after eight crew members tested positive for COVID-19, and the buffet crab legs tested positive for being the same ones that were there when they docked the ship.

SpaceX is cleared to reuse its rockets for national security missions. And it was cleared to hold a scrap metal sale of the ones that exploded to raise money for rocket fuel.

Peloton users are being warned that they could be watched by hackers accessing their bicycle’s video screens. In response, the company has postponed the planned Topless Tour de Peloton.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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A new Wallethub study claims Iowa is the best U.S. state to drive in. Mainly because no other place creates the same joy you get once you drive your way out of Iowa.

The Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump began in the U.S. Senate on Tuesday,  Trump watched from Davos, Switzerland, wondering when the court clerks finally bring in bag after bag of children’s letters to Santa Claus.

Queen Elizabeth reportedly considered stripping Prince Harry and Meghan Markle of their ‘Duke & Duchess of Sussex’ titles. Harry & Meghan reportedly considered stripping, too, now that they no longer receive public funds.

Health officials in Washington state confirmed the first U.S. case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus, after someone ordered the cashew shrimp.

Two NYPD officers, a male and female, were disciplined for having sex in a precinct bathroom stall. “Police! Put your hands where I can’t see ’em!” said the female.

Finance website GOBankingRates claims $100,000 in retirement savings will last the longest for residents of Mississippi. They cite affordable housing, low taxes, and the happiness from everyone there calling you a billionaire.

Houston Astros owner Jim Crane said Astros players will publicly apologize at Spring Training for stealing pitching signs in 2018. Then they’ll go to their hotel rooms with groupies in tow and think long and hard about what they did.

Due to unusually cold temperatures in Florida, the National Weather Service issued a “falling iguana” warning, since iguanas may drop from trees because they’ve stopped moving. They also issued a rare “alligators wearing hats and mittens” warning.

It’s so cold in Florida, Donald Duck was spotted in Orlando shopping for pants.

Apple is set to introduce a new low-cost iPhone around March. It’s rumored to cost about $449 for the phone, and $399 to repair the screen after you drop it.

A global study states broadband Internet service in the U.S. is more expensive than 118 other countries. The cheapest high-speed Internet service is found in Syria, although tech support there is a challenge because the call centers keep blowing up.

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Apple named the most popular apps of 2019. The number one paid iPad app was digital design tool Procreate. The number one iPad activity was watching couples Procreate on porn sites.

Ring admitted they gave police departments maps of installed video doorbells for over a year. They also admitted giving maps of failed video doorbell installs to electricians who actually know what they’re doing.

  • Police departments say they only use the doorbell footage to investigate crime, but dogs say it violates their privacy while they piss on the front steps.

Sony Playstation received a Guinness World Record for top-selling gaming console of all time. The award was accepted by Crash Bandicoot, who then jumped to his death.

Forbes Magazine claims studio execs in charge of the DC Cinematic Universe don’t know what to do with the ‘Superman’ franchise to make him relevant to modern audiences. They’re considering having the Man of Steel identify as Wonder Woman.

North Korea warned the United States if nuclear talks aren’t resumed by December 31st, the U.S. can expect a “nasty Christmas gift.” In related news, North Korea prepaid shipping to the District of Columbia for thousands of Chia Pets.

Chicago’s Police Superintendent, Eddie Johnson, was fired following an investigation of an October incident where he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV. Johnson claimed he had changed his blood pressure medication – from Diovan to Hennessy.

McDonald’s is testing a new fried chicken sandwich in two cities – Houston, Texas and Knoxville, Tennessee.  Houston & Knoxville were selected after representatives from each city won title fights in Popeye’s parking lots.

Growers of the new ‘Cosmic Crisp’ apple say it can last up to a year. They’ve even devised a system where grocery store produce managers message you a year after you buy them, reminding you to throw them out.

Marvel Studios released the first teaser trailer for ‘Black Widow’, along with teaser excuses why it won’t sell as many tickets as their other movies.

WalletHub compiled a list of the 20 Least Safe Cities in the U.S. The most unsafe city in the country? St. Louis. It’s so bad that there, WalletHub changed its name to StolenWalletHub.

 

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Actor Peter Mayhew, who played Chewbacca in beloved Star Wars films, died at age 74. No cause of death was released, but it’s rumored he was upset over feedback from footage of his portrayal of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Jeff Fowler, director of the upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog movie, tweeted that the design of the Sonic character will be changed based on fan feedback, and that the title of the movie will be changed to Fortnite.

A man fell 70 feet into Hawaii’s KÏlauea volcano and survived, in what locals are calling a pretty lousy human sacrifice.

  • The man was airlifted to a local hospital, where his family expressed hope that he recovers in time for his trip to the Grand Canyon.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh resigned after she made over $500,000 selling her children’s books to entities that do business with the city. The books promote exercise, a healthy diet, and instruct Baltimore children how to pick the right gang.

Maine became the first state to ban foam food & beverage packaging. The ban takes place January 1, 2021, to allow Dunkin 19 months to find cups that won’t dissolve when their coffee is poured into them.

Just hours after hosting the Billboard Music Awards, host Kelly Clarkson was flown from Las Vegas to Los Angeles for an emergency appendectomy. Clarkson said she felt extreme stomach pain all week, but figured it was from having to listen to Paula Abdul rehearse.

Online site Wallethub released their list of the ‘Best U.S. Airlines for Flying With Pets.’ They compiled the list by bringing dogs on 15 different carriers, and seeing which ones lived through the entire flight.

Two Australian men diagnosed with measles are confirmed to have visited a McDonald’s restaurant in Kooringal, New South Wales. Officials are warning those who visited the restaurant to see a doctor, and those who are planning to visit to avoid the McMeasles Value Meal.

An elderly Melbourne, Australia couple mistakenly received a package containing 20kg of methamphetamine, valued at over $7 million. They alerted authorities because they weren’t expecting a package, and because the elderly man broke his back lifting a 20kg box.

David Allen’s bestselling book ‘Getting Things Done’ has generated legions of devoted followers to his simple productivity rule: ‘if you can do it in under two minutes, do it now.’ Although critics say it has also created legions of chronic speedy masturbators.