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Comcast Xfinity cable subscribers in Philadelphia experienced a service outage on Super Bowl Sunday afternoon. A spokesperson said vandalism was to blame, for a change.

The Philadelphia Eagles reportedly signed a two-week contract with Miami Dolphins defensive coordinator Vic Fangio to help prepare for the Super Bowl. The Eagles terminating the contract at halftime turned out to be a bad idea.

Background extras filming Joker 2 filed a complaint with the Screen Actors Guild over not getting bathroom breaks. Others complained they were only permitted to use the bathroom after correctly answering brain teasers from The Riddler.

A Pennsylvania tree service was fined over $100,000 after one of their workers died falling into a wood chipper. Asked at a hearing what remained of the body, the owner replied “not mulch”.

A Yale Economics professor suggested Japan solve its aging population problem by having the elderly commit mass suicide. He suggested ‘seppuku’ – disembowlment with a sword – but admits seniors eating 7-Eleven sushi makes more sense.

81-year-old Martha Stewart said she’s gifting a case of her wine, Martha’s Lighter Chard, to all of the “significant males in her life” for Valentine’s Day. Although the dogs probably can’t open the bottles.

Retired NFL player Adrian Peterson said he spoke to Damar Hamlin after criticizing the jacket Hamlin wore to the Super Bowl as “blasphemous”. Peterson said he would honor Hamlin by taking a new CPR class where victims are revived by beating them with a stick.

A Harvard-trained psychologist published 8 ‘toxic phrases’ that indicate your relationship is in trouble, including: “you’re pathetic”; “I hate you’; and “I don’t care what you think, I’m buying the Barry Manilow tickets.”

Barney the purple dinosaur is returning to tv as an animated character. His theme song has updated lyrics – “I love you, you love me…I no longer identify as ‘he’ “…

A 1908 Harley-Davidson sold for $935,000, making it the most expensive motorcycle ever sold at auction. The event was also noteworthy because the 110-year-old Hell’s Angels biker who owned it was arrested selling meth to an undercover cop.

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A female gibbon gave birth despite being isolated in her cage at a Japanese zoo for two years. The gibbon is expected to start a lucrative consulting business for family-minded lesbians.

The U.S. shot down more unidentified objects in North American airspace following last week’s takedown of a Chinese spy balloon. In other news, the pilot of the Goodyear blimp hasn’t been seen in over a week.

The state of Kentucky saw its first-ever infant dropped off at a fire station “baby box” after legislation passed permitting the legal surrender of children in this manner. The parents then returned the next morning after having a great evening out.

An online think tank is warning of Spamouflage – a Chinese online propaganda operation where ‘deepfake’ news anchors spread misinformation about the U.S.. However, they say no threat is posed by human meteorologists on local newscasts with deepfake breasts.

The Federal Trade Commission is seeking to ban non-compete clauses, which they say prevent 30 million Americans from finding new jobs. Though the FTC tells parents their child is lying when they say a non-compete clause is keeping them from a McDonald’s job after getting fired at Burger King.

A woman was stopped after attempting to steal a child from a shopping cart at a Colorado Walmart. Employees apprehended her, then forced her to scan the baby in the self-checkout lane.

Google Maps plans a big upgrade to introduce Immersive View – which merges Street View and aerial images, creating immersive 3D environments you can look at right before your drive into a guard rail.

The catalytic converter was stolen off the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile in Las Vegas. It’s unclear if the thieves will get fair value for it if it was exposed to nitrites, relish, and mustard.

Megan Fox no longer follows Machine Gun Kelly on Instagam, sparking rumors that she’s split with the singer, after being split by him for over a year.

Following her Super Bowl halftime show, Rihanna’s rep confirmed she’s pregnant with a second child. The NFL & Apple announced next year’s halftime performer will be her baby, who’s expected to have more complicated dance moves.

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A special counsel investigating Donald Trump issued a subpoena to Mike Pence. “Yeah, poenas!” said Pence when he got it.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, a Turkish citizen, traveled to Turkey following the devastating earthquake that struck the region. He arrived, killed two dozen puppies, and left.

The Florida Sports Board governing high school athletics will remove the question “When was your most recent menstrual period?” from a questionnaire for student athletes — because football players would get stuck on it and miss their first practice.

Elon Musk, owner of Twitter, believes he’s being ‘shadowbanned’ by his own company, saying he has 100 million followers but gets only tens of thousands of impressions for each tweet. His staff told him “write better jokes”.

Larry The Cable Guy took to Twitter to defend himself about a joke he made there about Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene, in 2023’s first Battle Of The Intellectuals.

The Guinness Book of World Records recognized a California mouse named Pat as the oldest mouse in human care, aged 9 years & 209 days. He was presented with the award by his lifelong friend, the world’s laziest cat.

A Tennessee woman was arrested after her kindergarten-aged daughter wrote a story about her mother shooting at her father during an argument. The kindergartner became the youngest writer ever to sell a script and executive produce a Lifetime movie.

Scientists are baffled after a piece of the sun broke off. So far, no volunteers have stepped up to put it back.

The CDC warned of “widespread outbreaks” of gastrointestinal illness causing vomiting, diarrhea and dehydration. They attribute the cause to norovirus, despite public concern over Arby’s new Loaded Chicken Bacon Ranch Mac & Cheese.

Adidas said they will report a loss of $1.3 billion after being stuck with unsellable Yeezy shoes and apparel. In other news, Somali teenagers need bigger closets for all their new stuff.

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Two Montgomery County, Pennsylvania dentists are accused of defrauding Medicare, and putting “not-for-human-use” dental implants in patients. In other news, several older dogs in Montgomery County are still waiting for the new teeth their owners paid for.

Google’s shares lost $100 billion in value after their new artificial intelligence chatbot, Bard, made an error during a public demo. Bard’s demo began with it asking, “Hey, Siri…”.

CVS acquired a network of primary care physicians, Oak Street Health, to offer medical care to senior citizens. In a related move, their in-store Minute Clinics will now be called 120-Minute Clinics.

Video game Hogwart’s Legacy releases on Friday, featuring Sirona Ryan, the first transgender wizard in the Harry Potter universe. Ryan can cast spells making whatever is between your legs disappear.

5 million bottles of Fabuloso multi-purpose cleaner sold at grocery & discount stores were recalled for bacterial contamination. They can now be purchased at Dollar Tree as Makusicko.

NBA Brooklyn Nets star and inveterate malcontent Kevin Durant is reportedly being traded to the Phoenix Suns – so that he can live close enough to attend the Super Bowl, demand free tickets, go to the game, and then ask to be traded again next week.

NFL quarterback Russell Wilson’s charity – the Why Not You Foundation – reportedly raised millions, but only allocated 24% for charitable work. People would ask the foundation for money, but then they’d be told reasons Why they’re Not getting it.

Southwest Airlines executives will testify before the U.S. Senate about thousands of flight cancellations during the holiday season. They brought a couple sassy flight attendants to soften up the Senators with dad jokes and folksy chat, which isn’t expected to work.

Nick Stoeberl, 33, holds the record for World’s Longest Tongue – long enough to hold five donut rings. He creates art by covering his tongue with Saran Wrap and painting with it. He also covers it with Saran Wrap when charging women $500/hour.

NFL Hall of Famer Michael Irvin was pulled from NFL Network’s Super Bowl coverage after a woman filed a complaint after their brief interaction in a hotel lobby. What is known is that Irvin didn’t stab her in the neck with scissors, he did that to a teammate years ago.

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President Joe Biden was heckled by Republican lawmakers during his State Of The Union address – once when suggesting the GOP wants to end Social Security & Medicare, and again when he asked “anybody here from out of town?”

A Pennsylvania court ruled the state’s public school funding system unconstitutional, saying lower-income districts aren’t adequately funded because of lower property tax revenue. No solution was given, but ideas include a sales tax on prostitution, and collecting a $50 fee for carjacking licenses.

TSA agents at Philadelphia Airport stopped a man with a loaded handgun and dozens of bullets in his carry-on bag. Then they realized he was ticketed on Spirit Airlines and allowed him to proceed.

A former American Idol contestant started a class-action lawsuit claiming she, and other, contestants were paid nothing for eight consecutive 15-hour days of work. So far, the plaintiff class has 400 former participants, but not William Hung or the ‘Pants On The Ground’ guy.

Zoom is laying off 1,500 employees. Terminated workers were notified twice – the first time the human resources person was on mute.

A former Victoria’s Secret store manager said they’re not allowed to confront shoplifters. The policy is for their own safety, and because of lawsuits when managers wrongly demanded shoppers hand over their underwear.

Retired porn star Ron Jeremy was committed to a California state mental hospital, after being declared f*ckin’ nuts.

Animal welfare officials in Nevada found a domesticated dog had been taken in and cared for by a pack of coyotes. The dog is now at a local animal hospital and listed in stable condition after treatment for falling anvil and jet pack injuries.

19-year-old Eden Polani, rumored to be dating 48-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio, deleted her Instagram account. She is reportedly upset with the backlash over comments from her 230,000 followers, most of whom are also 40+ creeps but with less money.

A toddler had to be rescued after her head became stuck in an angel food cake pan. The pan was cut free, and her face was iced down because the cake hadn’t cooled yet.

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Google unveiled its rival to Open AI’s ChatGPT, dubbed ‘Bard’. It will be available to the general public in a few weeks, but in the meantime Bard will be used by Google’s “trusted testers” to see how well it helps them cheat on exams.

Southwest Airlines and FedEx jets nearly collided at Austin, Texas’ airport when they were directed to the same runway for their takeoff and landing. Air traffic controllers quickly told Southwest to cancel their takeoff since they were so good at it.

Tom Brady said he’ll start his broadcasting career with Fox in 2024, leading to speculation he may try playing again in 2023, or worse – make 80 For Brady: II.

Actress Megan Fox said on social media that she attended Clive Davis’ pre-Grammys party with a broken wrist and a concussion. Fox’s boyfriend Machine Gun Kelly is now known as Blunt Object Kelly.

Sasha Walpole identified herself as the mystery woman to whom Prince Harry lost his virginity, as he described in his book. Walpole worked as Prince Charles’ “stable girl”, caring for his horses, and occasionally helping a young sire out to stud.

Chris Brown lost in the Grammys Best R&B Album category to Robert Glasper, then angrily tweeted ‘Who is Robert Glasper?’. Brown was then informed that Glasper was a) the guy who won; & b) someone who never punched his girlfriend in the face.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis will appoint all five leaders of Disney’s special tax district in Orlando. Their first order of business will be to require Disney & EPCOT to stop teaching Critical Mouse Theory.

Salma Hayek said Hollywood would never cast her in comedies because she’s too sexy, and thanked Adam Sandler for changing that with the ‘Grown Ups‘ films. Hayek said she now wants to be cast in a comedy that’s actually funny.

Rihanna may go on tour following her Super Bowl halftime performance. With Beyonce and Taylor Swift already planning tours, Ticketmaster is bracing for what they call Hurricane RiBeyTay.

Media celebrity Maria Menounos said she’s expecting a baby with her husband after “a decade of trying” – and boy, are their genitals tired.

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14 dogs hopping on their hind legs broke the Guinness World Record for longest canine conga line. Officials later disallowed a 16-dog line when it was determined they weren’t dancing, they were all just humping each other.

A Chinese spy balloon was finally shot down over Myrtle Beach. Parts of the balloon were retrieved from the ocean, along with an attached banner reading ‘Will you marry me Yingyue?’, and classified documents from the Trump & Biden administrations.

Republican members of Congress plan to boycott President Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday, citing disagreements with his policies, and fear of missing an all-new ‘9-1-1 Lone Star‘.

Dell is laying off over 6,000 workers, representing 5% of their workforce. Or, as a Dell spokesperson put it, they’re hitting Ctrl/Alt/Del on their careers.

Winners at the Grammy Awards included Harry Styles, Beyonce & Lizzo in the welterweight, middleweight and heavyweight divisions.

Including her wins last night, Beyonce’s 32 Grammys broke the record for the most Grammy wins all-time, formerly held by Hungarian-British conductor Georg Solti. Solti is busy assembling a new orchestra to record a Beyonce diss track.

Breakfast sandwiches and fruit cups were recalled for possible listeria contamination, which somehow make high school cafeteria food even riskier than usual.

A new study claims reducing alcohol consumption lowers dementia and Alzheimer’s risk. The study authors also claim if you’re drinking to forget, it’s working.

AMC Theaters will start variable pricing for seats at the movies. Seats in front rows will be cheaper, seats in the middle will be more expensive, and people in seats at Tyler Perry movies will be paid $14 each.

Dr. Phil’s decision to end his tv show came following attempts to revamp the show to win back advertisers. The attempts failed, as sponsors said “cash us out on The Kelly Clarkson Show, how bout dat?”

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An ESPN reporter speculated that Tom Brady’s “traumatizing” divorce may be the major influence in his decision to retire. Brady’s treatment to recover from the trauma will include being a handsome single 45-year-old with tens of millions in cash.

The Pentagon is reportedly tracking a high-altitude Chinese spy balloon over the continental U.S. They’re also trying to identify the three Chinese guys who froze to death in the basket underneath it.

Tips from the public led to the arrest of a man who stole emperor tamarin monkeys from the Dallas Zoo. In related news, emperor tamarin monkeys were discovered to be capable of making phone calls and sending text messages.

An Iowa senior care facility faces discipline for wrongfully declaring a resident dead and placing her in a body bag, where she was later found at a funeral home gasping for air. The victim’s family is considering a lawsuit against the care facility and Ziploc.

The U.S. economy added 517,000 jobs in January, as businesses staffed up to handle Americans returning millions of terrible Christmas gifts.

In the wake of firing 12,000 workers, Google CEO Sundar Pichai said he “takes full responsibility” for it. Asks if that means he’ll take care of them financially, Pichai added “okay, partial responsibility”.

As Beyonce launches a 2023 tour, members of Congress warned Ticketmaster to be ready and avoid a fiasco like Taylor Swift tour sales. Ticketmaster said they’re prepared, and have partnered with banks to prequalify Beyonce ticket buyers with the second mortgages they’ll need to be able to pay for them.

CBS Sports producers said they met with Tony Romo prior to the NFL season to resharpen his skills as a color analyst. NBC Sports producers denied a simlar meeting with Cris Collinsworth, begging him to please just shut up for a few minutes every Sunday night.

Fred la Marmotte, Canada’s version of Punxsutawney Phil, died on Groundhog Day prior to giving his winter prediction. Canadian officials reminded every groundhog that if they, or another they know, is struggling with seasonal depression, help is available.

A British woman said her family hates the name she gave her daughter, Kiara, which comes from a sequel to Disney’s The Lion King. She has no plans to change it, even though her family’s feelings leave a Scar.

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A dismembered human penis was found at an Alabama gas station. The diesel fuel pump is pregnant and several big rigs contracted HPV.

Jeweler Tiffany & Co and Nike revealed their anticipated sneaker collaboration, the black suede-and-Tiffany blue Air Force I 1837. Men who drop to one knee and propose with a pair of the sneakers are 0-for-30 so far.

The makers of artificial intelligence tool ChatGPT plan to offer premium product ChatGPT Plus starting at $20/month. In addition to writing your term paper, ChatGPT Plus will find an attractive student to have sex with your professor.

The City of Philadelphia is promising incentives to young men & women for working as lifeguards at city swimming pools this summer. Although the incentivized guards can’t use their new gun to stop horseplay in the pool.

An epic ice storm in the Southern U.S. left over 370,000 customers without power and is blamed for 8 deaths. It’s so bad, Texas Senator Ted Cruz changed destinations from Cancun to Kauai to get far enough away from it.

A Singapore man sued a woman for $2.2 million in damages to his reputation because she refused to date him and wanted to just be friends. Although his attorney claims he’d consider an out-of-court settlement of a handjob.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart said she’s working with the league so that teams can switch from commercial travel to charter. She then boarded the Liberty’s refurbished school bus to ride to their next game in Los Angeles.

The Centers for Disease Control is warning customers not to use EzriCare Artificial Tears eyedrops, as they investigate a possible link between the product and dozens of infections. In the meantime, they recommend titty-twisters and kicks to the balls to generate tears.

Jessica Simpson released an Amazon-exclusive short story about an affair she had 17 years ago with an unnamed “massive movie star” who cheated on his partner. The story is vehemently denied by Rob Schneider.

A woman who claims she got pregnant while using birth control said her baby was born clutching her IUD. The baby also handed over a pinky ring and her spare house keys.

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Actress Cindy Williams, who played Shirley Feeney on Laverne & Shirley, passed away. She was predeceased by Penny Marshall, who played Laverne DeFazio. An OSHA investigation into asbestos contamination at Shotz Brewery is currently underway.

Tom Brady announced he’s retiring ‘for good’. To honor his contribution to the sport, The National Football League will assign him a personal valet to throw a yellow flag whenever someone bumps into him.

Nikki Haley announced her run for President. Until now ‘Nikki For President’ was just a failed Disney Channel pilot.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its 2023 list of nominees. “A little bit of heartbreak, in my life” said Lou Bega.

A German woman found her lookalike online, then murdered her to fake her own death. The bad news is she got caught; the good news is the victim’s family gets the money for the Lifetime movie that was filmed in one week after the killing.

Ozzy Osbourne announced he’s retiring from touring. “What did he say?” replied everyone.

A couple abandoned their baby at Tel Aviv airport as they boarded a flight to Belgium. They wanted to preboard along with other travelers with small children, but said they didn’t realize the small children had to come with them.

Two-time WNBA champion and 2018 MVP Breanna Stewart, now a free agent, has narrowed her choices to her current team, the Seattle Storm, and the New York Liberty. She’s currently evaluating which team’s arena is closer to her job at Target.

The FBI is currently searching President Biden’s Rehoboth Beach, Delaware home in search of classified documents. They plan to resume the search on 4th of July weekend with help from their spouses and kids.

A six-year-old in Michigan playing on his father’s phone ordered about $1,000 in food deliveries from Grubhub. Drivers alerted cops after delivering the food and being tipped with Legos.