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Harvard researchers say the phrase “How are you?” kills small talk. Although they admit it probably grew in popularity because it works so well getting people to stop talking.

Skeletal remains found in the receding Lake Mead near Las Vegas were identified as a man who disappeared 50 years ago. His death was ruled an accidental drowning while trying out his new concrete scuba gear.

New artificial intelligence-powered glasses project conversation suggestions on the lenses based on what another person just said. It can handle every phrase except “take off those stupid looking glasses”.

Anna Craming, 20, a tournament-caliber chess player who streams games online, said she frequently receives unwelcome remarks from men during matches. The men deny the allegations, saying they were just excited about taking the queen.

Tennis great Boris Becker was released from prison following an 8 1/2 month stint for fraud. He said he was almost killed when he attempted to befriend a fellow prisoner who he thought was a kindred spirit because he was in prison for racketeering.

Rapper Tory Lanez asked a judge to overturn his conviction for shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot, saying the jury was wrongly influenced by a photo of him holding a gun, and by the fact that he shot Megan Thee Stallion in the foot.

Khloe Kardashian answered a fan on social media who asked her if, following plastic surgery, she “missed her old face”. Khloe replied “which one?”.

A women’s water polo player was accused of inappropriate touching during a match. She defended her action, saying the top of the opponent’s suit was the same color as the ball.

70 hippos kept on a compound owned by convicted drug kingpin Pablo Escobar will cost the Colombian government $3.5 million to relocate. They’ll also need a food budget since they can no longer eat Escobar’s drug-trafficking rivals.

Congressmen from New York and Kentucky got in a shouting match after Wednesday’s session over their differences on proposed assault weapons bans. The Kentucky congressman challenged the New Yorker to pistols at ten paces.

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Stormy Daniels will host a Q&A session on her OnlyFans account as rumors circulate about a possible indictment of Donald Trump. It’s the first public interview from a woman discussing sex with a president since before Betty Ford sobered up.

“Dumb” phones are growing in popularity in the U.S., as Gen Z users seek to limit screen time. Dumb phones are defined by Gen Z as phones that don’t manage apps, or as any smartphone in the hands of a boomer.

Finnish design company Woodio introduced the first flushable toilet made entirely of wood chips. They say the wood reduces harmful emissions generated by plastic or ceramic toilets, but so far, users don’t like having to clean the inside with sandpaper.

Elon Musk said artificial intelligence poses a ‘profound risk to society and humanity’ – mostly because ChatGPT is too smart to pay $7 a month for Twitter Blue.

Taylor Swift accepted the Innovator Award at the annual iHeartRadio Awards in Los Angeles, as radio stations honored her unique ability to turn getting dumped into hundreds of songs.

Actress Melissa Joan Hart, a Nashville resident, helped elementary school students flee the scene of the deadly Covenant School shooting. She titled the video Clarissa Explains It All Except for How a Mentally Ill Person Legally Bought Assault Weapons.

Foot Locker is closing 400 stores. Workers are being told to turn in their uniforms, or keep them and referee their kids peewee basketball games.

A Dutch sperm donor who’s fathered 550 children is being sued for increasing the risk of incest and exceeding the allowable number of children created with his sperm. He’s fighting the suit, saying he needs the money for surgeries to his right shoulder, elbow and wrist.

A new Army program gives underperforming recuits 90 days of fitness training before sending them off to basic training. Although many female recruits are dropping out after 89 days once they fit into their bridesmaid dress for a spring wedding.

Florida high school teacher Shavon Pearson was arrested for waving a gun at another motorist during a traffic dispute, then was also charged for trafficking fentanyl. In other news, a dozen of her students were hospitalized following Chemistry lab.

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A man whose weight loss plan is eating half-portions of McDonald’s meals every meal for 100 consecutive days claims he’s lost 29 pounds in 34 days. He’s lost 28 pounds of muscle and 1 pound from a shrunken liver.

Millennials are traveling at a higher rate than other age groups – as they fly home to live in their parents basement.

Pop star Harry Styles is reportedly dating actress Emily Ratajkowski – an impossibly good-looking couple with a terrible tabloid couple name: RatStyle.

An armed assailant killed six people at a Nashville elementary school – leaving Toby Keith confused over what terrible country song he can write about it.

The Philadelphia Phillies introduced their new menu items for 2023 home games at Citizens Bank Park. For the first time ever, vegans will have a choice of food they can throw at visiting outfielders and bullpen pitchers.

Scientists are touting a “holy grail” of cancer detection that predicts tumors a year before they form. The protocol has two parts: a blood test; and a program that scans for credit card purchases at Arby’s.

New research indicates physical activity offers little mental health benefit. The study appeared in the journal Nature Human Behaviour and was co-funded by La-Z-Boy & Haagen-Dazs.

In the wake of a toxic chemical spill, the City of Philadelphia Water Department declared the water supply safe for drinking ‘through Wednesday’ – last Wednesday.

Chris Christie told a New Hampshire crowd he’s the only Republican qualified to stand up to Donald Trump. Although he’s more comfortable sitting down.

An Australian woman was convicted of killing her husband by lacing his favorite lemon cookies with sleeping pills. The judge also issued an injunction halting future publishing of The Joy Of Cooking With Ambien.

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Philadelphia’s drinking water was contaminated by a chemical spill in the Delaware River. Until further notice, city residents are advised to shoot their water before drinking it.

Florida may ban elementary school students from learning about or discussing menstruation. Three girls were already suspended for asking who the substitute teacher is for first period English.

A Family Dollar worker fatally shot a shoplifter. The store is closed, but a line is forming outside for customers wanting Dollar Shots.

Ye – formerly Kanye West – said he now likes Jews again after watching Jonah Hill’s performance in 21 Jump Street. Then he watched Hill in The Sitter and he’s on the fence again.

A 4-year-old hacked his Mom’s Amazon Prime account and ordered 51 boxes of SpongeBob popsicles. Two days later she received 51 boxes of SpongeBob popsicles and a Hitachi personal massager.

Walkouts among German airport, bus & railway workers brought the nation to a standstill Monday, as citizens struggle to cope with the Notten Muvin strike.

Actor Jeremy Renner shared video of his physical therapy, walking on an anti-gravity treadmill, as he recovers from injures suffered after being run over by a snowplow. Renner walked for 30 minutes then wiped the machine down before a guy who got run over by a truck used it.

Two Cuban migrants successfully fled their country and arrived at Key West Airport aboard a motorized hang glider. Air traffic controllers guided the two men aboard Spirit Airlines flight 544.

A woman who bit off the earlobe of a female Nordstrom security guard after being apprehended shoplfting was sentenced to 70 months in prison. The guard doesn’t want the earring back that the shoplifter swallowed.

The FDIC said First Citizens Bank has agreed to purchase troubled Silicon Valley Bank, and two days later had already collected $100 million in SVB overdraft fees.

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Tom Brady became a minority owner of the WNBA Las Vegas Aces, after loaning the team bus fare to get home from a game he attended.

According to Forbes magazine, Jay-Z is now worth an estimated $2.5 billion, and is down to fewer than 29 problems.

An Army veteran who bought his wife a Maserati for $68,000 on Carvana found out the car was stolen. He’s suing Carvana for $1 million in damages, but in the meantime will keep selling military secrets to raise money for another exotic car.

The New York grand jury hearing Donald Trump’s hush-money case will have the weekend off. They’ve been instructed not to discuss the case, and not to accept the all-expenses-paid 3-night vacation at Mar a Lago.

A 24-year-old woman bit and kicked police as she was carried off a Frontier Airlines jet in Miami boarding for Philadelphia. She faces several felony & misdemeanor charges, and, upon arrival in Philadelphia, will receive the Key to the City.

Blac Chyna revealed she quit sharing nudes on OnlyFans because she became a born-again Christian and ‘God wouldn’t want me doing it’. Also, God and everyone else who cancelled subscriptions saw all there is to see during her two years on the platform.

Mathematicians discovered a new, unique shape that can tile a wall or floor and create infinite patterns that never repeat. It’s coming soon to hardware stores and your next failed do-it-yourself project.

The CEO of a tech startup that inspects boat hulls with underwater drones is accused of peeping on women in a Panera bathroom. His denies wrongdoing and said the drone was doing a test run in the ladies toilet.

A radio DJ’s body was found several weeks after he went missing – so the person discovering the body won Matchbox Twenty tickets in Wild 94.9’s Scavenger Hunt.

Transgender cyclist Tiffany Thomas won the Randalls Island Crit – putting her over the 20-win mark since she began racing in her 40s in 2018. Her excitement was evident atop the medal stand as shown by her triumphant raised arms and the bulge in her bike shorts.

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New research concludes Ludwig van Beethoven’s death and early-onset liver disease may not have been solely alcohol-related, and that he suffered from acute hepatitis. In case you were wondering what Beethoven has in common with the members of Motley Crue.

Following a series of train accidents, Congress is working on a railroad safety bill. Or, they will until Republicans or Democrats derail it.

Large clusters of sargassum have begun washing up on the Florida coastline – leading lonely, hearing-impaired women to book Florida vacations so they can experience a sargassum on the beach.

Researchers in Great Britain say hearing ‘dad jokes’ empowers kids to become better adults. While hearing dirty jokes empowers them to become more popular during recess.

Artificial tears tainted with bacteria are blamed for several deaths, blindness and loss of eyes in multiple users. Worse, victims with glass eyes are warned that high levels of bacteria have been found in Windex.

A tornado touched down in Los Angeles. It arrived 20 minutes late and left a half-hour early.

Gisele Bundchen said in an interview that her marriage to Tom Brady was doomed long before his decision to ‘unretire’. She added that their final counseling session ended with her taking a knee with 30 seconds left in ‘divorce formation’.

The City of Philadelphia is exploring a program to reduce infant mortality by paying pregnant women $1,000/month if they live in certain areas of the city. It’s unclear how the infant mortality problem can be solved with an Xbox.

The Federal Aviation Administration is issuing a “call to action” following multiple near collisions on airport runways – starting with a pre-flight two-drink maximum for veteran pilots.

An Amazon delivery driver handed a package to a SWAT team member during an armed standoff in North Carolina. The SWAT team member then placed the box of bullets on the porch and the standoff continued.

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Donald Trump still hasn’t been arrested, as cops continue to look for a pair of handcuffs tiny enough.

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine was hospitalized after being beat up by several men while in the sauna of a Florida gym. An arrest warrant was issued for three sweaty gang members clad in towels with healthy, wide-open pores.

Cobresol Argentina goalkeeper Leandro Requena scored a goal on a 101-meter kick, the longest goal ever recorded in international competition. The opposing goalkeeper admitted he’d fallen asleep watching soccer.

Americans will soon be able to buy Good Meat – chicken meat grown in a lab. Asked if customers will eat chicken made in a lab, Good Meat’s CEO pointed out that the U.S. already consumes billions of McNuggets.

Two escaped inmates from a Newport News, Virginia prison were apprehended at a nearby IHOP a short time later. Their server notified police after the two ordered the Rooty Tooty Fugitive Fresh & Fruity pancakes.

Hyejeong Shin, a 29-year-old woman who enrolled at a New Jersey high school with a fake birth certificate before being discovered, told a judge she was lonely and missed having friendships. She’s currently awaiting sentencing and deciding between three promposals.

A new study claims the combined weight of the world’s wild mammals is just 10% of humans. Researchers believe animal populations need to grow by climate action, and animals need to grow with greater jungle access to Arby’s,

Nevada’s Chicken Ranch brothel welcomed new Las Vegas Raiders quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo by offering him “free sex for life”. The Raiders, who recently traded All-Pro Darren Waller, happen to need tight ends for Garoppolo.

A 53-year-old man who cracked his own neck to avoid chiropractor bills claims doing so caused him to go blind. He’s concerned he’ll no longer be able to continue his job as a chiropractor.

The Writers Guild of America has proposed allowing artificial intelligence programs like ChatGPT to write scripts for movies and tv. Saying a computer program can’t possibly write jokes worse than the ones on ‘Lopez vs Lopez’.

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The new BORG [Blackout Rage Gallon] drinking craze sent 46 UMass Amherst students to the hospital during a pre-St. Patrick’s Day party, where they were treated as VIPs [Vomit Inducing Pumped Stomachs].

Longtime New York Times film critic A.O. Scott is retiring – saying he doesn’t see the point crticizing film since no one will ever top Cocaine Bear.

Los Angeles schools are shut down during a 3-day strike by bus drivers and maintenance workers. The strike coincides with a 3-day Career Fair co-sponsored by Bloods, Crips & Latin Kings.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis told a crowd he didn’t know anything about “paying hush money to a porn star to secure silence over some type of alleged affair..”. But added that he’s willing to learn.

Google is granting access to Bard, its competitor to artificial intelligence ChatGPT. Google users can sign up for a waitlist, or pay to jump to the head of the line if they have a term paper due.

Mikayla Silavia, a Florida OnlyFans model whose claim-to-fame is her long tongue, sued ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hunter for seizing her social media accounts and sharing explicit content in violation of ‘revenge porn’ laws. Hunter plans to defend the suit, saying he’s not licked yet.

At the Houston Zoo, a 90-year-old male tortoise fathered three new hatchlings with his female partner of 27 years. Zookeepers credit the male’s persistence in asking for 26 years.

Disney CEO Bob Iger reportedly asked execs to compile a list of 4,000 workers to be terminated in April. Disney fans are urged to visit the parks within two weeks if they want a picture with Huey, Dewey or Louie.

A Connecticut man rented a billboard in Times Square to post a photo with his girlfriend along with a marriage proposal to her. She, in turn, rented a billboard the following day to say “no”.

A 29-year-old woman broke a world record by grinding a rail on her skateboard as she exited a plane 9,000 feet in the air over California. She landed safely via parachute and retrieved the skateboard that struck and killed an old lady.

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Ed Winter, Los Angeles county coroner who autopsied some of the world’s biggest celebrities, has died. He’ll be honored with a star on the Hollywood Wall of Refrigerated Drawers of Fame.

The Chairperson of the Libertarian Party condemned convicted felon Joe Exotic for seeking the party’s nomination for U.S. President. Exotic made the announcement during a campaign stop at a license plate factory.

South Korea has the world’s lowest fertility rate, with an average of just 0.78 children for every woman of child-bearing age. South Korean women now have the world’s highest approval rating among single men.

Microsoft introduced Power Platform Copilot, an artificial intelligence that creates an app based off of a simple description of the app’s desired function. “Why is this app telling me to have sex with you?” asked thousands of wives and girlfriends looking at the new app on their phones.

Blac Chyna appeared in public for the first time since having her facial fillers dissolved and butt implants removed. Onlookers described her as long-faced and half-assed.

The Mayor of Miami Beach, Florida instituted a curfew after incidents of gun violence during Spring Break. In other news, area Wet T-Shirt contests are now Red T-Shirt contests.

Adam Sandler was honored with the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC. At the Arkansas State Fairgrounds, Larry the Cable Guy was honored with the Ernest P. Worrell Prize for Southern American Humor.

Sydney Sweeney of HBO’s Euphoria said in an interview that she developed large breasts before other girls and felt ostracized for it. Now she has tv & movie roles and feels d-cized for it.

Porn star Stormy Daniels revealed she’d married porn star Barrett Blade at the end of 2022. This is Daniels fourth marriage – the other three ended when work got in the way.

Mexico’s President Andrés Manuel López Obrador said U.S. families are to blame for the fentanyl crisis because they don’t hug their kids enough. Mexicans entering the U.S. are already attempting to fix the problem by forming hug cartels.

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Tinder is updating their app, allowing users to define their desired ‘Relationship Type’ to accommodate Gen Z preferences for non-monogamy. Choices include “open relationship”; “hierarchical polyamory”; and “your face on my genitals then you leave”.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT can now pass the bar exam. Aspiring lawyer Kim Kardashian announced she’s now sleeping with ChatGPT.

French citizens rioted over a government proposal to raise the country’s retirement age from 62 to 64. They plan to resume rioting after they take their required four-hour midday break.

Snoop Dogg is launching a new premium coffee brand – the first-of-its-kind coffee you can smoke.

Apple announced the upcoming iPhone 15 Pro Max will break the record for the thinnest bezels of any smartphone – surrounding a glass screen that cracks the first time you drop it.

The U.S. State Department warns of a delay in passport processing for international travelers. “We’ve been waiting six months and this is unacceptable” said the new head of Al Qaeda.

New research from Spanish urologists finds the average penis increases 42% in size from a flaccid to erect state. Research from Spanish sex shop retailers finds the average penis size increases 100% between the first and second sex-toy purchases.

California is considering a ban on candy containing carcinogenic additives, such as Skittles, Sour Patch Kids and others. This, after dozens of children were found to be undergoing chemotherapy to battle malignant Pezanoma.

Actress Sharon Stone, speaking to a Women’s Cancer Research Fund benefit, talked of her recent breast cancer scare and financial struggles, saying “I lost half my money to this banking thing”. It’s unclear if she was a customer of Silicon Valley Bank, or if she threw out the mattress in her guest room.

A Florida man was arrested after demanding oral sex from a massage therapist and pointing a gun at her after being told she doesn’t engage in that activity. He was charged, then released after being told by cops where they ‘do’ engage in that activity.