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Captain Travis Zettel – commander of navy submarine USS Bremerton – was relieved of his duty after admitting to hiring prostitutes in the Philippines. This, despite Captain Zettel saving thousands of dollars he would have spent hiring them in Hawaii.

SpaceX announced it’s laying off 10% of its workforce, or about 700 employees, creating XtraSpaceX.

Hawaiian Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard announced she’s running for President in 2020 – making her an even bigger household name.

A Florida surgeon was fined $3,000 for removing a woman’s kidney that he thought was a tumor. Even worse, he was performing brain surgery.

Asymmetric jeans – with one fitted leg and one narrow leg – may be the next big style trend in women’s fashion. Most women agree they look ridiculous, but appreciate having to struggle with just one leg of them.

A 21-year-old male hide-and-seek player was found dead in an elevator shaft in an abandoned Detroit building the morning after the other players had gone home. He was posthumously declared the winner.

President Trump reportedly berated acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney in a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding border security, saying “you just f**ked it all up”.  Trump overheard Mulvaney ordering Quarter Pounders instead of Big Macs from Uber Eats.

The Who announced 2019 summer tour dates. Or, as they’re known to anyone under 30, The Who?

A photo of an egg became the most-liked photo on Instagram with 23 million likes, surpassing the 18+ million likes from Kylie Jenner’s birth announcement photo last February. So the egg wins, even though the chick came first.

New research contradicts earlier studies pointing to Monday morning as the most-likely time to suffer a heart attack. Of the 2,631 heart attacks studied, most happened in the afternoon — proving that many people can’t get anything done until they’ve had their morning coffee.

Twitter is launching a new beta program to gather feedback on possible new features. “Why didn’t failing Twitter pick me to test new features? SAD!” wrote an anonymous user.

A handgun went undetected through a TSA security checkpoint at the Atlanta airport, and the passenger took it with them on a flight to Tokyo. TSA is investigating how they missed the gun, as well as the 10-gallon hat, spurs, holster, and horse.

 

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Sarah Thomas will officiate the Los Angeles Chargers/New England Patriots AFC Divisional Playoff game on Sunday. She’ll be the first woman referee in an NFL game, or  just another mom spending a Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of boys pound the piss out of each other.

Donald Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, will testify publicly on February 7th before the House Oversight Committee, presumably to talk about his oversights covering up payments to porn stars and Playmates.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to allow a vote on Democratic-sponsored legislation to end the partial U.S. Government shutdown, going so far as to put the legislation in the folds of his neck where it can never be found again.

President Trump claimed he never said that Mexico ‘would write a check’ to pay for the U.S./Mexico border wall.  “Of course we wouldn’t” said the President of Mexico “..who the f*** still writes checks?”

Tim Tebow is officially engaged to former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters.  Tebow is planning a return to baseball before he gets married and hopefully makes it to third base.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only Utah’s and South Dakota’s birth rates were high enough to sustain the current levels of U.S. population.  Census workers thanked the citizens of Utah and South Dakota for being Mormons and not knowing how birth control works, respectively.

The school board in Tamaqua, Pennsylvania postponed a final vote regarding a policy allowing teachers to carry firearms in class. Partly because they’re not sure it’s a good idea, and partly because the teachers keep failing the background checks.

The National Enquirer published text messages purportedly sent by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez, including “I want to smell you..I want to breathe you in..hold you tight…” and “Good news! My penis is scheduled for delivery tomorrow!”

At a small airport near Tampa, Florida, an unidentified person was decapitated by a helicopter’s propeller Thursday afternoon.  Investigators plan to identify the victim, just as soon as their head finally lands on the ground sometime over the weekend.

A new analysis in the journal Science states the world’s oceans are heating up 40% faster than a similar study estimated just five years ago – due to more parents teaching small children how to swim in the ocean.

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A Fairfield, Ohio substitute teacher was removed from a middle school classroom after he allegedly masturbated behind the desk with students present.  School officials also confiscated the movie he was showing in health class.

A Mississippi man had his leg amputated following a duck hunting accident, when his dog stepped on a gun and it fired, hitting him. Since the incident occurred in Mississippi, the dog was not charged because he’s allowed to own & fire a gun without a permit.

Pizza Hut is expanding its beer delivery service to over 1,000 locations before summer. Pizza Hut executives say the top question customers ask when adding beer to an order is if they can cancel the pizza.

The New York Police Department closed sexual assault investigations into celebrity chef Mario Batali without filing charges – although detectives are not ruling out new menu items.

Oxford Pennant, a local business in Buffalo, NY, is hoping to improve the city’s reputation by holding a sweepstakes to win a two-night all-expenses-paid trip to the city. So far, they’ve received 28,000 entries from Guatemalan asylum-seekers.

Jeff Bezos and his wife Mackenzie filed for divorce.  Bezos then signed on to Amazon, and his ‘Recommendations For You’ already featured five different supermodels.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture reports the United States has a record 1.4 billion pound surplus of cheese. “We’re doing all we can” said mice eating queso at Chipotle.

Amazon has an under-the-radar program that sends select customers free samples of items such as coffee and dog food.  Customers writing reviews saying they didn’t like the taste of the dog food are removed from the program.

United is the first U.S. airline to take delivery of the massive new 300-passenger Boeing 787 Dreamliner. It has extra-wide aisles for dragging overbooked Economy passengers from the plane and special storage for animals that die on board.

NBC News reports that the U.S. Government shutdown is forcing the FDA to suspend routine food safety inspections. Or, as the FDA calls it, a Romaine Holiday.

 

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A Florida teacher, upset with the principal at her school, spread human feces on tables and grills at a park where the principal was to host a birthday party for her daughter. The principal considered moving her daughter’s party to Chuck E. Cheese, but decided the park was still better.

Amazon announced Amazon Key for Garage – a variant of Amazon Key where delivery persons leave packages in your garage instead of inside your front door. The move was hailed by thieves who are happy to steal your bike or car in addition to your packages.

A security camera caught a suspect, 33-year-old Roberto Arroyo, licking the doorbell of a home in Salinas, California for three hours. The homeowner, Sylvia Dungan, tapped Arroyo on the head and told him to try something different.

Users in the U.K., parts of Europe and North America were disappointed on Tuesday when Tinder went down – the exact opposite of how they feel when Tinder dates do.

A shopper in Los Angeles photographed Beyoncé shopping at Target. Or, as it’s now known, Tarcé .

The Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show revoked an innovation award from a robotics company making the Osé – a device to stimulate the g-spot and clitoris to produce orgasm- because officials said it didn’t fit a product category.   “I have a category for it” said a woman.

Passengers on an EDM party cruise departing Florida were arrested for possession of cocaine & ecstasy, in what police called ‘a layup’.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                New artificial intelligence technology called DeepGestalt can identify certain rare genetic disorders by examining facial photos.  DeepGestalt told a woman herpes isn’t a rare genetic disorder, and, no, it can’t tell if her boyfriend has it from his picture.

A dad created an app that freezes kids’ smartphones until they answer their parents’ texts. He’s now refining the app so that the phone remains frozen when the kid texts back “leave me the f**k alone”. [ h/t to K.A.P. ! ]                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Actor Josh Brolin marked his fifth sober anniversary with a photo on Instagram taken while he was drunk. The photo was accompanied by a lengthy description of the horrors of excessive drinking, but still omitted any mention of ‘Jonah Hex’.

 

 

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Snoop Dogg posted a video online, saying furloughed government workers who vote for Trump in 2020 are “dumb motherf**kers”. However, Snoop is probably overestimating the willingness of Trump voters to watch an entire video featuring a black guy.

R Kelly plans to rebut claims made by women in the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ with a new website survivinglies.com . Kelly said he’ll expose all of his accusers as liars, then probably celebrate by exposing himself.

Flu vaccines administered to kids via nasal mist are only 27% effective in targeting the predominant H1N1 strain of flu – versus traditional shots, which are almost 70% effective. Doctors encountering nervous kids are advised to tell them they’re getting the vaccine in their nose, and then jab a needle in it.

John Travolta posted a pic on Instagram with his head shaved bald.  It’s believed to be the first time he’s been seen without hair — although he kept his beard, wife Kelly Preston.

Broadcast networks are deciding whether to air President Trump’s oval office address at 9pm regarding immigration and border security. CBS has decided to air the speech, assuming their viewers will think it’s just another episode of ‘NCIS’.

Chicago’s Goose Island Brewery is offering free beer for a year to anyone who can make a 43-yard field goal – like the one missed by Bears Kicker Cody Parkey in Sunday’s NFL playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. No word if Parkey plans to show up and leave without winning free beer.

Bill Timmons, CEO of Hacienda HealthCare in Phoenix resigned, after a female patient who’s been in a coma for 14 years at a Hacienda facility recently gave birth. The company apologized for the terrible lapse in security and failure to throw a gender reveal party.

Experts speculate that illness experienced by U.S. Embassy workers in Havana – caused by piercing humming & grinding noises – was the result of loud crickets. Scientists matched a recording of the sound to cricket activity, and also cited the embassy’s location next to a stand-up comedy open mic.

Carnival Cruise Lines said it’s delaying a plan to start charging passengers for room service delivered to their cabin. Those who enjoy cruises say they’re used to seeing some free items on the room service menu, and that it wouldn’t hurt crew members to bring snacks while they’re in the cabin cleaning vomit.

An investor who owns 1.7% of Dollar Tree wants the store to raise profits by selling items for more than $1. Dollar Tree execs are reluctant to do so, saying cashiers’ math skills are already stretched to the limit making change for stuff costing less than $1.

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R Kelly refuses to watch the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ – detailing his alleged abuse of women – calling it a “vendetta” against him. Sources say Kelly is really pissed on about it.

A giant tuna sold for a record $3.1 million at auction to a restaurant owner in Tokyo. He then paid another $1 million for bread, mayonnaise, celery & onions to break the record for the world’s biggest, most disappointing lunch.

According to LinkedIn, ‘artificial intelligence’ is one of the top 5 hard skills employers are seeking in 2019.  And by artificial intelligence, they aren’t referring to lying on your LinkedIn profile.

Brazilian UFC fighter Polyana Viana said she beat up a man in Rio de Janeiro who was attempting to steal her cell phone. UFC President Dana White immediately boarded a flight to Rio to collect $40 from everyone who saw it happen.

Alabama police are warning drivers against stopping on Highway 35 to retrieve chicken tenders that were spilled on the road in an 18-wheeler wreck. Their plea will likely prove unsuccessful, because in Alabama, the 5-second rule is 5 days.

Kendall Jenner took to Instagram to say she struggles with facial acne, and to announce that she’s the new celebrity spokesperson for Proactiv.  Still no word which of her sisters will be named spokesperson for new Proactiv for Ginormous Butt Zits.

Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is the new record-holder for most retweeted post ever. He promised to share $975,000 with 100 randomly-selected persons who retweeted him. As of this morning, the tweet had been retweeted more than 5 million times, 4.96 million of those coming from @realDonaldTrump .

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was absent from oral arguments in the Supreme Court’s first session of 2019. Ginsburg is recovering from cancer surgery, and from getting hammered at the premiere of the new movie about her.

According to a new law, Saudi Arabian women divorced by their husbands will be notified via text message. Which sounds terrible, but women getting divorce notifications from Boost Mobile probably knew their husband wasn’t a billionaire.

  • ‘New phone. Who dis?’ read a reply to a wrong-number divorce notification.

Kevin Spacey appeared in a Nantucket court Monday morning as his attorney entered a plea of not guilty to charges against Spacey for sexual assault. “How did he get here so soon after the Golden Globes?” asked a low-level court employee who hasn’t been keeping up.

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Hackers have exploited Google Chromecast streaming devices, using the hack to put anything they want on a Chromecast-equipped screen. “See, babe, I TOLD you that’s how the gay porn got there!” said a man who wasn’t a hacking victim, to his wife.

Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as Speaker of the House while surrounded by her own grandchildren and dozens of other children – also known as U.S. Representatives.

The Labor Department released a robust jobs report; the U.S. economy added a whopping 312,000 jobs in December, well above what economists expected to build toys for Santa.

Herb Kelleher, founder of Southwest Airlines, passed away at age 87. His body will be transported to his hometown, free of checked baggage fees.

Vicente Sambada Niebla, son of Sinaloa drug cartel leader Ismail Zambada Garcia, testified at the trial of Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman for five hours about how the cartel operated. Stunned by the betrayal, his father’s lawyer asked Vicente if he’d lost his head, to which he replied “not yet”.

Despite the government shutdown, the IRS stated that U.S. citizens will still be required to file their fraudulent tax returns.

Researchers trying to determine if it’s worthwhile to screen newborns for hundreds of genetic mutations have not yet determined if the screening is useful, since the mutations they identified still can’t predict whether babies will cry on airplanes or have a meltdown in a grocery store.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced they’re planning to have a fourth child, delivered via surrogate birth mother, and then via courier, since they’re both pretty busy on the due date.

A Florida man was arrested and charged with attempted murder for shooting his wife and her parents after seeing a video of the wife cheating with his best friend. The parents regretted their choice for Family Movie Night.

Anna & Lucy DeCinque, Australian women who call themselves “the world’s most identical twins”, say they plan to both get pregnant by their shared boyfriend and, if the law allows, marry him. The boyfriend, Ben Byrne, endorses the plan, saying it’s a great way to get laid twice without having to figure out which sister is which.

 

 

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The rate of c-section births in the U.S. tripled over the last three decades. Doctors blame obesity, saying that obese birth mothers give them more delivery complications, like finding the baby.

A man acting as ‘Jay-Z’ in the Philadelphia Mummers Parade had come under fire for wearing blackface. His Mummers club then clarified that the man was actually black, at which point he came under fire for actually being in the Mummers Parade.

President Trump shot down a compromise budget proposal that includes $2.5 billion in border security funding, saying he needs $5.6 billion. He then shut himself in his room and refused to come out, but lawmakers weren’t worried, since that’s how he spends all of his mornings anyway.

A drunk Wisconsin man mistakenly walked in to the home of a female neighbor early Tuesday and passed out on a bed next to the woman’s 150-pound mastiff. The woman is now jealous of the dog since it was the only one in the house to sleep with a guy on New Year’s.

Presley Gerber, model/son of supermodel Cindy Crawford and husband Randy Gerber, was arrested for DUI in Beverly Hills.  Police said Gerber smelled of alcohol, and fell off the runway during his field-sobriety catwalk.

A Philadelphia man climbed atop a monument of George Washington on New Year’s Day, then fell off and impaled himself on the antlers of an elk statue at its base. The man was eventually hospitalized, after failing to convince EMTs to wait until the antlers fall off in spring.

Chipotle is introducing a new menu item, ‘Lifestyle Bowls’. The bowls help customers match ingredients with their different lifestyles, like Paleo, Keto, Whole 30, or Gay.

The Pennsylvania State Police reported that drunk driving was up on New Year’s Eve, but crashes were down. The State Police credit their educational efforts in teaching people how to drive better while drunk.

Netflix issued a warning about the viral Bird Box Challenge – recording yourself doing everyday tasks while blindfolded. They then issued a follow-up warning, clarifying that blind people are free to do whatever they want.

McDonald’s is introducing new items in order to increase early morning revenue. These include Triple Stack McMuffins, Donut Sticks, and paid tickets to use the restroom while it’s still clean.

China landed a lunar rover on the far side of the moon. Four other, faster, lunar rovers are lined up behind it honking their horns trying to pass it.

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Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts commented that federal judges must end sexual abuse & harassment. “You said it, boss!” remarked Clarence Thomas & Brett Kavanaugh.

Jeanne Calment, – record-holder for world’s oldest person – who died in 1997 at the age of 122 may have lied about her age. A mathematician alleges Calment took the identity of her dead mother. Calment now holds the record for dumbest woman ever to lie about her age by making it older.

YouTube celebrity Cameron Dallas was arrested after allegedly bloodying the face of a fellow guest at his Aspen hotel. Dallas was charged with assault, the victim got a bunch of hits.

Massachusetts raised the legal age for smoking tobacco cigarettes from 19 to 21. The legal age for smoking Juul and other vaping devices remains “anyone old enough to have thirty bucks.”

The state of Illinois approved bright pink as second safety color for outdoor hunters, giving them an additional option to traditional bright orange. Hunters wearing pink and orange together will be ticketed for poor taste.

Vermont will pay remote workers employed by out-of-state companies up to $10,000 to move to the state. President Trump is moving 500,000 federal government workers to Vermont to pay for his $5 billion border wall.

The state of Ohio will require public school students to be capable of reading & writing printed letters by the end of third grade, and cursive before completing the fifth grade – unless, of course, they’ve been given football scholarships to Ohio State before then.

A Chipotle customer in Malden, Massachusetts bit into a chicken burrito and chipped his tooth on a half-inch metal nail. Chipotle apologized, and said they’ll try a different way to keep burritos from unfolding.

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Researchers at Carnegie-Mellon developed a wearable wristband that can detect when the user is experiencing an opiate overdose. The problem is that addicts keep selling their wristbands to get money for heroin.

Iggy Azalea is being criticized for finishing her song during a concert while one of her backup dancers had a seizure. “Well, seizures won’t work, you guys got any other ideas to get her to stop?” said the other dancers.

Scarlett Johansson told the Washington Post that trying to stop the use of her image in “deepfake porn” – digital placement of her face on women in sexually explicit videos – is a “lost cause”.  Producers of deepfake porn videos say they’ve tried working with Johansson, but she won’t budge on her $10 million/movie fee.

Producers of the first annual Television Sexpun Awards released their nominees, with Netflix earning two Best Picture nods for Bird Box and Bandersnatch.

An opposition leader in the Democratic Republic of Congo has complained of voting irregularities following Sunday’s Presidential Elections. Martin Fayulu claims that voting machines are rigged, and that his opponent used an extensive misinformation campaign targeted toward the four voters in the Congo with internet service.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’ll seek the Democratic nomination for President in 2020, as verified by both those on her email list, and those close enough to see the smoke signals sent from her yard.

The NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, Cincinnati Bengals, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Denver Broncos, Miami Dolphins & New York Jets all fired their head coaches after Sunday’s games, ruining plans for the teams’ human resources workers who didn’t want to work the weekend.

Fox News Channel rings in 2019 with its ‘All American New Year’ show, featuring an exclusive interview with President Trump. Trump is expected to share his New Year’s resolutions: improved fitness, diet, truth-telling and quality time with family.

Police in Minnesota who pulled over a Jimmy John’s delivery driver arrested him after finding pot inside of a wrapped sandwich. A replacement sandwich was sent, but the customer rejected it, claiming the pot was the only thing that could make him hungry enough to eat a Jimmy John’s sandwich.

Author Jordan Shapiro’s new book: ‘The New Childhood – Raising Kids to Thrive In A Connected World’, presents the viewpoint that video games, social media and smartphones are good for children. The publisher, Little/Brown, points out that Shapiro is eight years old.