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$15 million in counterfeit currency was seized in Philadelphia. In the meantime, merchants are warned to be on the lookout for suspicious bills with pictures of Gritty or Nick Foles.

Subway plans to open 4,000 stores in China, making it the country’s second-biggest pandemic of the decade.

An audit of New York City police finds up to 25% of stops made by the city’s new anti-crime team were unlawful. However, the anti-crime team has an above-average success rate getting dates with attractive women during searches.

Taylor Swift was spotted at an Arkansas bar with Los Angeles Lakers guard Austin Reaves following her breakup with The 1975 frontman Matty Healy. The hookup with Reaves is surprising, since he’s not great at getting rebounds.

Pope Francis was hospitalized for abdominal surgery. Seems that years of covering up for child molesters finally made him sick to his stomach.

The 24-year-old assistant to DJ Paul Oakenfold is suing him for sexual harassment, saying he masturbated in front of her four times in a single day. Oakenfold claims he just can’t stop the beat.

Air quality in New York City is now among the world’s worst as smoke from Canadian wildfires engulfs the area. Although some residents are cancelling vacations because now they can stay home and get the smell of piss on a campfire.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell gave a ‘Golden Buzzer’ – a pass to the semi-finals – to blind singer-songwriter Putri Ariani, calling her one of the best singers ever to perform on the show. This was great news for Ariani, but a tough break for one-legged stand-up comedian Hops McGee, who followed her.

North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum announced he’s seeking the Republican nomination for President in 2024. “Who?” said residents of North Dakota.

Starting June 12th, McDonald’s will introduce a new limited-time meal honoring Grimace’s birthday. It’ll turn customer’s faces purple after they choke on it.

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California Governor Gavin Newsom is threatening Florida Governor Ron Desantis with kidnapping & human trafficking charges after illegal immigrants were flown from Florida to Sacramento. Worse, the state of Florida took the immigrants cash for aisle seats and checked baggage fees.

Federal gun charges were filed against the mother of a 6-year-old who shot his teacher in Newport News, Virginia. The good news is, she’s now officially off-the-hook for Snack Mom duty.

Drug maker Merck is suing the U.S. government over their requirement that prescription drug prices be lowered for seniors on Medicare. Merck said the penalties are unfair, and that lowering the price of boner pills for horny old men in retirement communities will bankrupt them in a month.

Apple officially announced its $3,499 Vision Pro virtual reality headset. Apple’s CEO said they’re working on vr content to be offered via Apple TV+, and Apple XXX.

Disney’s ‘The Little Mermaid‘ bombed at the box office in China & South Korea, over what may be race-based backlash from casting a black actress as Ariel. Disney has bigger hopes in Asian markets for its other summer release, ‘The Little iPhone Factory Worker’.

The PGA Tour announced a surprise merger with the Saudi Arabian-backed LIV Golf Tour. The newly-merged pro golf league will kick off in the Middle East with the inaugural We Ordered The Murder Of Journalist Jamal Khashoggi Open.

A Harvard researcher developed a vaccine to curb feral cat populations by preventing ovulation in females. He got the idea after becoming frustrated getting feral cats to use condoms and take birth control pills.

State police in Michigan pursued a 10-year-old boy driving a stolen car. The 10-year-old carjacked the vehicle from the 12-year-old who stole it before him.

Viral video shows a man trying to retrieve a foul ball at a college baseball game trip, causing the child he was holding to smash their head on the ground. He was charged with an error, and the fielder’s choice of telling his wife the truth or lying about it.

A group of 685 people at a Malaysia shopping mall broke a record for the largest gathering of people dressed as Spider Man. The record was certified by a Guinness Book of Records adjudicator who’s apparently never been to San Diego ComicCon.

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General Motors announced a $1 billion investment to produce new heavy-duty pickup trucks. In a related move, they’ll also invest $100 million to produce new Calvin-peeing-on-the-Ford-logo window stickers, as well as heavy duty truck nutz.

Users of weight-loss drug Ozempic are complaining of ‘Ozempic butt’ – loose, flabby skin in the buttocks from rapid decline in weight. They’re upset because of the appearance, and by the extra slappy-sounding farts.

A Chinese warship came within 150 yards of colliding with a U.S. destroyer in the strait of Taiwan. The captain of the U.S. ship was confused because the Chinese vessel was crusing for a long time with its turn signal on.

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ 29-year-old son Justin was arrested in California and charged with LDUI – L’il Diddy Under the Influence.

Apple’s rumored new VR headset, the Reality Pro, is rumored to cost $1,999. Buyers are eager to try it out at an Apple Store, where they can envision a reality where they have two grand to blow on a VR headset.

Taylor Swift swallowed a bug during her Chicago performance. Parents of the bug are asking for their $1,000 back.

Arnold Schwarzenegger explained how he told wife Maria Shriver about the son he fathered with their housekeeper Mildred Baena. Schwarzenegger said he went ‘Commando‘: “remember when I told you I never got Mildred pregnant?…I lied..”

Reigning NCAA golf champion Rose Zhang won the LPGA Mizuho Americas Open – becoming the first woman to win her LPGA Tour debut since 1951, when somebody else you’ve never heard of did it.

Tom Brady took his kids to Disney World where he was photographed riding the Tower of Terror – which is also his nickname for ex-wife Gisele when she was mad at him for continuing to play football.

Competitive eater James Webb broke a world record on National Donut Day, eating 59.5 donuts in eight minutes. He eclipsed the previous record shared by eight different patrolmen in the Philadelphia Police Department.

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Some fans at Taylor Swift concerts say they’re wearing adult diapers so they don’t miss a single song of her 3-hour-plus set. Others wore them because they haven’t been the same since having the kids they brought to the concert.

A Georgia gun store owner told CNN he’s closing because of gun violence against children, specifically school shootings. As he sells off remaining inventory, he’s requiring customers to sign an agreement to only use their new guns to shoot adults.

Glamour magazine’s UK edition cover featured Logan Brown, a pregnant transgender male showing off his baby bump. Brown’s name was added after readers initially thought Kylie Jenner had really let herself go.

Facebook parent company Meta is telling workers to return to the office 3 days a week starting in September – and being “Interested” in coming back won’t cut it.

A federal judge ruled that a warrant is required for border patrol to search the smartphones of immigrants entering the country illegally. Border agents searching phones had reportedly memorized the customer service number at Boost Mobile.

Megan Carlisle, a Pennsylvania teacher, was arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old student and sending him nudes via Snapchat after fondling him during his in-school suspension. Once the school had a 56-year-old male gym teacher take over in-school suspension, the other 15-year-old boys started behaving better.

Andrew Bedwell, a British sailor attempting a world record by crossing the Atlantic in a boat just over 3 feet long, had his voyage ended after the boat took on water – from his bladder.

A pregnant Thai woman is accused of murdering up to 13 people by poisoning them with cyanide in their drinks. Cops are asking other women to donate breast milk because they don’t exactly trust her after the baby arrives.

Records released by the Bureau of Prisons reveal at the time of his incarceration Jeffrey Epstein was treated for chlamydia, sleep apnea, back pain, constipation, high blood pressure & prediabetes. He also listed 10 different sex partners in the prior five years, each of whom admitted he might not have been that hot.

A black activist criticized Disney’s new ‘The Little Mermaid‘ for erasing mentions of black slavery in the Caribbean. However, the same activist conceded Snow White accurately depicted slavery among dwarfs.

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Britney Spears has given consent for ex-husband Kevin Federline to move their two sons to Hawai’i with his current wife. Britney said at first she was concerned about them being in a foreign country.

MMA fighter Mike Dragich was captured on viral video wrestling with a 10-foot alligator that had gotten on the grounds of a Jacksonville, Florida elementary school. He eventually subdued the gator, and took away the assault weapon it was carrying.

The House of Representatives passed a debt ceiling bill, after Speaker Kevin McCarthy told them if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to use the government Visa card for birthday pizza parties.

The National Eating Disorders Association helpline is replacing hundreds of staffers and volunteers with a chatbot named Tessa. Tessa was selected for her knowledge of eating disorders, and her great work at the Butterball Turkey tip line.

A new study finds Massachusetts is the most expensive state for child care, at an average of almost $21,000 annually. The cheapest is Mississippi, where it costs just over $5,000 per year to toss your kid on the pile with the rest of them.

Rapper Azealia Banks posted a warning to Taylor Swift, calling rumored new boyfriend Matty Healy an “incel” and to not “let..him climb the rich white coochie mountain”. Healy hopes to join John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhall, Harry Styles, and a handful of explorers who successfully summited Rich White Coochie Mountain.

A triple shooting took place just outside the emergency room entrance to Temple Hospital in Philadelphia. The victims walked everal feet to get inside, then held their wounds with one hand while they filled out paperwork with the other for 45 minutes.

On the latest episode of The Kardashians, Kim is seen telling her ex Pete Davidson “what you’re getting yourself into” at the start of their romance – as she holds up a pair of her signature Skims underwear.

Kelly Ripa said that Bravo host Andy Cohen iMessage’d her a photo of his lover’s erect penis while she was looking at her work iPad. Ripa said she closed the message instead of accepting Cohen’s invite to “watch what happens live”.

The Federal Trade Commission alleges Ring doorbell cameras were not secure for years, allowing one Ring employee to watch video footage of 81 different women. The employee admitted watching the footage, but said it took him forever to find 81 women who had sex on their front porch.

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Ocean City, New Jersey implemented a new curfew and other restrictions after the mayor said crowds of unruly teens threaten their status as ‘America’s Greatest Family Resort’. Teens are encouraged to go to Wildwood, to help retain their status as ‘America’s Dirtbag Headquarters’.

Chris Christie is set to announce his 2024 presidential campaign. His run for president is the only run he’s done in a really long time.

The head of U.S. Border Patrol is retiring. The occasion will be marked by a ceremony with the one-millionth illegal immigrant of his tenure entering the U.S. while he isn’t looking.

83-year-old Al Pacino is expecting a child with girlfriend Noor Alfallah. The pregnancy comes as a surprise for Pacino, who thought his whole system was out of order!!

HBO estimates 2.9 million people watched the Succession finale Sunday night – although somehow an estimated 4 million people bitched about it on social media afterward.

Retired baseball star Alex Rodriguez said he’s been diagnosed with early-stage gum disease. He said because of that he’s considering quitting gum.

Researchers unearthing 1,500-year-old mass burial sites in England are using skeletal DNA to learn about the bacteria that caused the plague. They tried using teeth, but most of those were already lost to British cooking & hygiene.

Convicted Manson Family murderer Leslie Van Houten was recommended for parole in California, but faces a legal battle since Governor Gavin Newsom had barred her release. Van Houten’s lawyers argue that Van Houten is in her 70s and only has limited time to get her ownn reality show.

Chick-fil-A hired its first-ever head of diversity, equity and inclusion – in order to ensure the company is staffed with a representive mix of ages, ethnicities and skin color of straight people.

A choir on America’s Got Talent paid tribute to prior-season contestant Nightbirde, who’d since died of cancer, performing a song she’d written and sung on the show. It made judge Simon Cowell cry before telling them that their harmonies were flat and terrible.

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A new trend is for brides to get a haircut between the ceremony and reception to symbolize the start of something new. Although some brides are angry when the groom mentions liking the new ‘do because it reminds them of the bride’s sister.

Gun shots were fired and a teen was critically injured during a party in the empty parking lot at a Philadelphia soccer stadium. Cops say this is the most excitement they’ve ever seen at a soccer venue.

Venice’s grand canal mysteriously turned bright green. “Its-a il burlone (the Joker)”, said Italian Batman.

A Carnival Cruise liner returning from the Bahamas encountered hurricane force winds and waves, flooding the ship and making dozens of passengers even more violently ill than they usually get from the buffet.

Researchers believe an increase in colon cancer among younger patients is caused by fungus usually found in toe nails. They believe parents may be putting their foot up the ass of their kids to make them get a job.

Scientists believe the predominant cause of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome may be a defective brain receptor controlling breathing – followed closely by one-star rated Care.com babysitters

The NBA Philadelphia 76ers hired Nick Nurse as their new head coach. Nurse promises to deliver a championship to whatever team he works for after the Sixers fire him.

2.7 million travelers flew commercial U.S. airlines over the Memorial Day weekend, the most since Thanksgiving 2019. Both Southwest and Spirit say they set new records for the number of flight attendants knocked out by passengers.

A new study finds that weightlifting & resistance exercises focused on the legs helps prevent heart attack victims from a second episode. Or you can just sit on the couch and not do squats.

An Australian man was able to pry his head out of the jaws of a crocodile after being attacked while snorkeling. The man suffered minor injuries, and the crocodile is amazed how much easier it is to breathe while swimming with the snorkel he stole.

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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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Actress Marcia Gay Harden says all three of her adult children identify as queer. She, herself, is now known as Marcia Queer Harden.

The 19-year-old who crashed a U-Haul truck in to the White House fence carried a Nazi flag. What makes it even more puzzling is he was able to rent the Nazi flag from U-Haul for $2.99/day.

Target is moving some Pride Month items from the front to the back of Southern U.S. stores following customer complaints. Walmart is moving Bud Light displays from the grocery section in Southern stores to the sidewalk out front next to a sign reading “FREE”.

A man with an AK-47 assault rifle in his vehicle was arrested at a Virginia preschool after saying he was headed to the CIA. Preschool teachers called the man’s Career Day presentation “troubling”.

Following a complaint from a Florida parent, Amanda Gorman’s poem ‘The Hill We Climb’ – read at President Biden’s inauguration – was moved from the elementary section of a school library to the middle school section. Another poem, ‘I Once Knew A Man From Nantucket’, author unknown. was moved to the high school section.

A woman claims she was vomited on and refused help cleaning up by security at a Taylor Swift concert. After hearing about the incident, Swift reached out and offered the woman free tickets to a future Insane Clown Posse show.

A ProPublica investigation reveals the latest college admissions scam – research papers written by students and published in so-called scholarly journals. Among them ‘Correlation Between Boob Size and Promposals‘ by a student who ended up getting a football scholarship, anyway.

A U.K. groom briefly addressed his wedding reception as envelopes were distributed containing pictures of the bride and best man having sex. After he left, teen boys in attendance called it the best party ever, and that was before they got to have cake.

A 17-year-old Columbus, Mississippi girl was arrested and charged for having sex with underage boys at a Mother’s Day party. She was released on bond and is now the Number One requested babysitter by underage boys.

A Florida man had his arm ripped off by an alligator while drinking behind Bandito’s Bar in Port Charlotte. The victim was grateful for being dragged to safety by another patron, and doubly grateful the gator tore off the arm that wasn’t holding his drink.

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A 19-year-old U-Haul driver is accused of ramming a truck in to the fence at the White House. He was taken into custody, and the friends who are helping him move are wondering if they’ll ever get their free pizza.

The Los Angeles Dodgers reinvited a group of drag queens to their Pride Night celebration. They’d been excluded following conservative criticism, but were told by Major League Baseball they couldn’t be banned because they’re all members of the San Francisco Giants.

An empty plot of land in Dubai sold for $34 million – ending a bidding war between Dubai toddlers playing in the sand, and cats shitting in it.

A bird was killed after being struck by a baseball hit by Cleveland Guardians Will Brennan. Brennan was credited with a single; the bird was taken out of the game for lack of hustle.

New GOP presidential candidate Tim Scott fired back at Whoopi Goldberg for her saying that Scott, who’s black, has ‘Clarence Thomas syndrome’. Scott thinks the criticism is unjust, but also wouldn’t mind having a white billlionaire friend take him on expensive vacations.

A new study suggests people listen to sad songs to feel ‘connected’ to others. Men specifically listen to sad Taylor Swift songs because they want girls who like them to connect with them at the genitals.

Artificial intelligence company Sanctuary debuted Phoenix, their new humanoid robot that stands 5’7″ and can lift 55 pounds. Phoenix cost $20 million to build and can earn $17 an hour working at an Amazon warehouse.

One of America’s most popular handguns, the SIG Sauer P320 semi-automatic, is reportedly firing on its own even when holstered or sitting at rest. So say some police officers use it, as well as a guy who claims it shot his wife six times on its own.

The latest fashion trend amond Gen Z women is wearing only sheer bras and underwear as evening apparel. Men and women say they like seeing the look on Gen Z, but not on Gen XXXL.

A mother of two whose boyfriend of 15 years dumped her before their wedding spent $37,000 on a ‘revenge body’ – including a boob job, face lift, lip fillers, hair transplants, a Brazilian butt lift, liposuction, and vagina tightening. The ex-boyfriend asked how much it would cost for her to lose her kids.