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The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now so large and permanent that a coastal ecosystem is thriving on it. Meanwhile the Great Atlantic Garbage Patch has officially changed its name to Wildwood, New Jersey.

Author Marilyn Minter published ‘Elder Sex‘, an erotic photo book featuring only men and women age 70 & Over. It’s the first coffee table book to offer counseling to anyone reading it.

Haribo gummy bear fans were shocked by the company’s statement that the green bear is actually strawberry flavored. And a small human infant.

The American Medical Association declared poverty the fourth-leading cause of death in the U.S. — then pronounced the entire state of Mississippi dead.

A Kansas man who went viral for smashing & exploding Bud Light beer after their partnership with a trans influencer has been arrested and charged with indecent exposure of his penis, testicles, and Busch.

A TikTok’er claims the secret to McDonald’s fries is their oil contains a beef flavoring. The company claims the fries are still vegetarian-friendly because the flavoring contains no actual meat. As opposed to the burgers, which do contain some actual meat.

Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin has been medically cleared by cardiac experts to resume football-related concussion activities.

Tesla slashed the price of its best-selling Model 3 sedan & Model Y SUV ahead of their earnings call. The bad news is batteries are not included.

An Indian couple died using a makeshift guillotine to offer themselves as a form of human sacrifice next to an altar of fire they’d made. That, or they really misunderstood how to give each other head.

An eighth-grader who lost while competing in an Illinois “Beat The Streets” wrestling tournament sucker-punched the winner who’d offered him a handshake. He was then returned to The Streets.

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A new study finds red meat and refined carbohydrates are the primary drivers of Type 2 diabetes cases – and profits at Arby’s.

Congressman George Santos announced his reelection campaign along with endorsements from Pope Francis and Taylor Swift.

Feds in New York City shut down what they called an ‘illegal Chinese police station’ targeting Chinese dissidents living in the U.S. and gathering counterintelligence for China’s government. Officials were tipped off by piles of empty Chun-kin Donuts boxes outside.

A man plead guilty to breaking the thumb off of a terracotta warrior statue from 200BC on display at a Philadelphia museum. On the bright side, he’s now in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the oldest thumb stuck in a rectum.

Wedding apparel retailer David’s Bridal filed for bankruptcy. Money’s tight, so David’s reception switched from open bar to cash.

Apple Watches are getting their biggest software update since being introduced in 2015. In addition to detecting heart attacks and falls, it’ll detect the real reason your spouse isn’t talking to you.

New Jersey declared September 23rd as Bruce Springsteen Day. As part of the declaration, residents will be asked to slam their screen doors at Noon, and throughout the day refer to their genitals as auto parts.

As part of his ongoing battle with Disney Corporation, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis threatened to build a prison next to Disney World. Lawyers for imprisoned tax cheat Scrooge McDuck have already requested a transfer so he can be closer to his family.

A writer’s strike threatens to halt production of tv & film projects if a deal with the union can’t be reached by May 1st. This could mean a delay to the final season of Stranger Things, from its planned release in 2028.

McDonald’s is making ‘upgrades’ to its signature hamburger & cheeseburger, including softer buns, following a string of lawsuit settlements from broken teeth.

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A Tennessee Air National Guardsman was arrested after applying online to be a contract killer for $5,000. Worse, the hiring manager informed him they were focusing on more qualified candidates but would keep his resume on file.

An artificial intelligence program profiled on 60 Minutes allegedly taught itself a foreign language it didn’t know. It was then offered a scholarship to tutor the entire Ohio State football team.

The United States now averages 1.5 mass shootings per day. The number is expected to rise as more people use their tax refunds on AR-15s.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee deleted a post sharing commentary from network OAN questioning the behavior of the trans community. Then Lee posted an apology, said he’s not transphobic, and called himself the “gayest motherf**er around”. That post was then deleted after Lee was challenged by Boy George.

Sega is acquiring the maker of Angry Birds, for $775 million, because nobody told them they could just download it for free.

Phantom Of The Opera closed on Broadway after 35 years and 13,981 shows – entertaining over 6 million women, gay men, and straight husbands wondering how many Yankees games they could have seen instead for the ticket price.

SpaceX cited technical issues in postponing the launch of its most powerful rocket, Starship. Elon Musk said once they’re fixed, “nothing’s gonna stop us now”.

A new study finds women still do more domestic chores than men in households where they earn more money. When men try to step it up by doing the cooking, the women end up spending more time taking kids to the doctor or restaurants.

Senator John Fetterman returned to on-site work in Washington, DC following hospitalization for depression. Meanwhile, 89-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein told colleagues she plans to return in time for President Obama’s lighting of the White House Christmas Tree.

The mother of a teen YouTube star is being sued for physical and emotional abuse of young content creators, including sending her daughter’s underwear to an unknown man. The plaintiffs claim the shipments to Japan have cost them thousands.

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The purchaser of Harvey Weinstein’s Connecticut mansion had it torn down – surprising several 23-year-old actresses who arrived there for screen tests they’d scheduled in 2020.

A food fight erupted in the stands at the Philadelphia Phillies home loss on Tuesday at “Dollar Dog Night”. It started when several hundred Bud Light drinkers announced they were changing their pronouns.

A Missouri state lawmaker defended a state statute allowing 12-year-olds to get married, saying he’d met friends in college who married at age 12, and were doing a great job as sophomores raising their 3 kids.

HBO Max will merge with Discovery+ to become ‘Max’. This follows HBO Go and HBO Now merging to become HBO Max. HBO streaming services now have as many, or more, mergers and names as your slutty stepmom.

‘Harry Potter’ is being made into a TV series. Family members of Harry Potter superfans are asking for the magic spell to keep from having to watch it.

A 1-year-old dog trekked across 150 miles of Alaska’s Bering Sea ice to find his family after being lost. The dog thanked the six native Alaskan children who pulled his sled.

‘Peaches‘ – a ballad sung by Bowser to describe his love for the Princess in The Super Mario Bros Movie – is being touted for an Oscar for Best Original Song. There is no such praise for Mario’s song ‘It’s A Me, Let’s Have A Sex‘.

A CEO published an opinion piece, saying the worst question you can ask in a job interview is “what is the remote work policy?” The second worst question is “are those real?”

New York City hired Kathleen Corradi as the first-ever Director of Rodent Mitigation, or “rat czar”, at a salary of $155,000/year. In turn, Corradi announced her support staff, starting with Assistant Director, Mittens.

Today show co-host Jenna Bush Hager discussed body positivity, saying her boyfriend when she was in 7th grade dumped her after seeing her in a bathing suit. She said in the years since, she’s patched things up with Dick Cheney.

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Major League Baseball’s Milwaukee Brewers extended alcohol sales at home games until the end of the 8th inning because new MLB rules have made games shorter. Extending alcohol sales for one more inning allows fans to get behind the wheel while they’re still drunk.

Nick Cannon says parenting 11 children with multiple women doesn’t allow him to have a single life, since he barely has enough free time to make more kids.

The Biden Administration declared fentanyl laced with animal tranquilizer xylazine an “emerging threat”, requiring a coordinated government response in 90 days. So far, they’ve come up with buttons reading “Don’t Take Fentanyl & Xylazine”.

Low sex drive in men is being increasingly linked to a chemical imbalance, hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. It’s also being linked to their wives and girlfriends spending 10 hours a day in flannel pajamas.

Elon Musk said he’s laid off about 80% of Twitter’s staff, or roughly 6,500 people. Musk also said he’s lost at least 6,500 followers.

The FDA approved an over-the-counter version of the emergency opioid antidote Narcan. The bad news is you probably can’t get to the drug store in time to reverse an overdose; the good news is it’s eligible for double CVS ExtraCare Reward points.

A man on a tour in Zimbabwe described how he survived being waist-deep in a hippo’s mouth after his canoe was upended. He was able to get the hippo to spit him out by pouring his Mountain Dew down its throat.

A New Jersey man who claims to be the “biggest advocate & supporter” of Jack Daniels burned merchandise and hundreds of dollars worth of whiskey over their use of drag queens in advertising. Hours later he woke up hungover and wondering what happened to his Jack Daniels merchandise & whiskey.

Following his financial fraud indictment for hush money payments to a porn star, Donald Trump is asking for a delay in a different case accusing him of sexual assault. He cites difficulty finding lawyers who will work in exchange for free rounds of golf.

Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is requiring applicants for positions in the state to write 500-word essays detailing what they admire from her leadership. Since this is Arkansas, the essay requirement is expected to be reduced to two words.

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Tupperware may go out of business. Executives warn that if they can’t acquire additional funding, the Tupperware party is over.

Three persons were injured when a bounce house went airborne at a New Jersey Passover carnival. Dozens of others watched the house Passover their heads.

Cardi B commented on viral video of the Dalai Lama asking a boy to suck his tongue, saying the world is full of predators, and no one should suck another person’s tongue unless it’s in the Champagne Room of a strip club in exchange for a substantial tip.

A woman in Brazil gave birth in her apartment building’s elevator while standing up. “Hey, could you hit 3?” said a guy standing behind her.

A woman was shot to death while waiting in a Dunkin’ drive-thru in a Philadelphia suburb. Detectives initially investigated it as another coffee-related fatality.

Golfer Jason Day claims Tiger Woods withdrew from The Masters after a screw went through his skin. This marks the first time Woods let a screw keep him from playing golf.

The WNBA Draft took place Monday night, as dozens of women athletes realized their dream of being able to afford leasing a Kia Soul.

Jeremy Renner said his eye popped out when he was run over by a snowplow, adding fans should keep their eye out for his new Disney+ show Rennervations.

A downtown San Francisco Whole Foods closed one year after opening due to rampant crime creating worker safety issues. Local homeless shoplifters are left wondering where else they can steal a pocket full of groceries valued at $200.

A new study from the Kaiser Family Foundation claims 1-in-5 U.S. adults has had a family member killed by a gun. The National Rifle Association disputed the findings, saying 1-in-5 seemed low.

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Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn broke up after six years together. As Swifties try to decipher who she’s referencing in her scorching new ex-boyfriend diss track, ‘Joe I’ll Win’.

HBO’s The White Lotus, previously set in exotic locations like Maui and Taormina, Italy, announced Season 3 will be set in Thailand – narrowly edging out Dollywood.

A 50-year-old man was found dead on a Philadelphia city golf course in what police are calling “suspicious”. He was only shot once, which is 3-under-par for Philly.

A Mississippi woman was arrested for having sex with a dog outside of a church in Mississippi. A local sheriff called it “one of the most disturbing cases he’s ever worked – they aren’t even married.”

A Chinese man was arrested for scaring 500 of his neighbor’s chickens to death using flashing lights. The local fire department was called to see if they could organize an overnight barbecue.

A gynecologist in Honduras shared the most shocking thing he’d ever found in a woman’s vagina – a cockroach. He also shared the second-most shocking thing he’s found, a cockroach trap.

In a jailhouse interview for UK television, convicted sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell said a photo of Prince Andrew with a teen accuser is “fake”. Mainly because Andrew is “wearing clothes”.

A ‘highly important’ painted porcelain Chinese bowl from the 18th century, measuring 4 inches in diameter, sold at auction for $25 million. The purchaser gets to keep the Skittles that were in it.

‘Bikini baristas’ won a $500,000 settlement against Everett, Washington for violating their rights by demanding they cover up, and will continue to wear minimal clothing. Although several original female plaintiffs have quit the Hillbilly Hotties shop due to 2nd-degree cleavage burns from spilled coffee.

An Indonesian man broke his penis in ‘the world’s most dangerous sex position: reverse cowgirl’ – which is reportedly responsible for 50% of penis fractures. That number increases significantly if the cowgirl in question is Lizzo.

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Jeopardy! champion Brian Henegar deactivated Twitter after viewers repeatedly compared his appearance to that of Adolf Hitler. Henegar was angry, but felt better when he saw the Final Jeopardy! category of ‘Human Atrocities’.

Marjorie Taylor Greene, visiting New York to protest the indictment of Donald Trump, called the place ‘disgusting’ and ‘repulsive’. She then finished her lunch at Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen and went to the protest.

Guitarist Mick Mars sued Motley Crue, saying he was kicked out of the band, is being denied profits, and that the band is using recordings instead of playing live. The band denies using recorded vocal tracks, saying Vince Neil sounds terrible either way.

Country music doofus Travis Tritt will no longer allow Anheuser Busch products in his tour rider after Bud Light partnered with a transgender influencer. The loss of a case of Bud backstage at Tritt’s Mississippi county fair shows means the loss of 90% of that state’s economy.

As part of a reorganization, McDonald’s is closing regional offices that assist with the operation of restaurants, resulting in a dozen unemployed clowns.

7-Eleven’s parent company is evalutaing selling the convenience store chain. Although it’s more likely that several investment bankers will show up with guns and steal it.

Eight Washington DC fifth grade students were hospitalized after eating gummies containing a “controlled substance” given to them by a classmate. Kids called 911 complaining that the playground tag game with the sickened students was “way too slow”.

Georgia police are investigating a murder/suicide at a Chick-fil-A drive thru. “My pleasure!” said the coroner.

In a new documentary, Pope Francis says sex is “a beautiful thing”. ….. “for you, maybe” replied Vatican altar boys.

Thieves stole $500,000 worth of Apple products after breaking in to an Apple Store through a bathroom wall. The store subsequently fired several Genius Bar workers advising customers on using the toilets during the robbery.

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A new report reveals Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has accepted millions of dollars in travel and hospitality from a wealthy Republican donor in violation of ethics rules. The only judge that’s been paid off more times than Thomas is Judy.

A Texas woman stabbed her fiancee to death, then tried to stitch his wounds closed. She was charged with murder and now her sewing machine is broken.

A new report documents the abuse of more than 600 children in the Catholic Church’s Archdiocese of Baltimore. Officials are considering expanding the investigation beyond what happened last month.

A Michigan family welcomed the first baby daughter in the husband’s lineage since 1885. However, the baby’s first words are “I identify as non-binary”.

A Newark, Delaware man was arrested after attempting to carjack an off-duty officer in an unmarked police vehicle. It’s the first-ever carjacking where the perpetrator ended up in the back seat.

The National Oceanographic Administration said wind farms off of the New Jersey shore could ‘adversely affect’ whales, but not kill them. Meanwhile the Surgeon General said boardwalk food at the Jersey Shore could both adversely affect and kill beachgoing whales.

A new study claims that eating too much sugar has 45 negative health effects. If the sugar comes in the form of a donut eaten along with Dunkin’ coffee, that expands to 145 negative effects.

The barcode is turning 50 – matching the number of minutes it takes for the person ahead of you in line to self-checkout their groceries.

SUGA, of Korean boy-band sensation BTS, was named an Ambassador to the National Basketball Association. He’ll help promote the sport in his native South Korea, and inspire thousands of 5’5″ Korean Americans to try out for, and get cut from, their high school teams.

Idaho passed a law which bans knowingly providing out-of-state travel for women seeking abortions. In other news, Boise’s Plan C Bus Lines announced they’re going out of business.

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Actor Hugh Jackman warned the public of the dangers of skin cancer after undergoing a procedure to remove cancerous lesions. He said to wear sunscreen, but make sure you remove your Wolverine claws before putting it on.

Donald Trump told a crowd of dopes at Mar a Lago that the only crime he ever committed is fearlessly defending the U.S. from those who seek to destroy it – reinforcing the notion that Trump doesn’t even know what “crime” means.

Pornhub users searched “Stormy Daniels” over 650,000 times on Tuesday – and if you push away the other stuff, you can see the smile all over her face.

Viral video confirmed a rumor that Taylor Swift is secretly transported to the stage of her Eras Tour hidden in a janitor’s cart. A new rumor started that her dancers now stand further away on stage because she reeks of Pine Sol.

Businesses and influencers are angry that 22,000 job cuts at Facebook & Instagram “gutted” the customer service department. Reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg said “wait, we had a customer service department??”

Tiger Woods appeared at The Masters, but said he doesn’t know “how many more I have in me”. Hostesses at Augusta-area restaurants also aren’t sure how many more times they can have Woods in them.

Brandon Johnson will be the next Mayor of Chicago, after winning a runoff election with Paul Vallas. Johnson took 20 minutes at his victory celebration stopping supporters from yelling ‘Let’s Go Brandon’.

Website Nameberry says “old money” baby names are trending – like Antigone, Emeline & Pandora for girls and Alistair, Piers & Sumner for boys. Coincidentally, “old money” names are projected to be “new bullying victim” names in about eight years.

Actress Kaley Cuoco gave birth to a daughter, Matilda, 9 months after a big bang with boyfriend Tom Pelphrey.

Kim Kardashian took her family on a vacation to Japan, spending countless hours fielding questions from her children on why everyone’s butt is so flat there.