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Extended drought lowered the level of Nevada’s Lake Mead, to the point where it revealed a sunken World War II-era Higgins Boat used to carry personnel for sea-to-land invasions. In addition to the boat, researchers found a terrible set of directions to Normandy Beach.

A woman in Reddit’s “Am I The A**hole” forum said she interrupted her husband’s online livestream after coming home to find their 7-month-old unfed and with a full diaper. She claimed their baby had livestreamed her pants at least an hour earlier.

KLM Airlines told passengers at Amsterdam’s airport their systems broke and they wouldn’t accept any checked bags. Bathroom lines were a quarter-mile long as smugglers frantically moved all the drugs they could from suitcases to their rectums.

Baywatch star Donna D’Errico clapped back at women who said she’s too old to post Instagram photos in a bikini at age 54. Supporters came to her aid, including a horny David “Mitch Buchannon” Hasselhoff, who sang “I’ll be there” as he rang her doorbell.

Donald Trump reportedly watched the January 6th riots on tv for 187 consecutive minutes. The January 6th Commission called it a dereliction of duty, and the longest tv program to hold his attention since the Miss Teen USA Pageant.

A 20-person brawl between two groups erupted at Disney World after a disagreement about line-cutting. Disney Cast Member personnel finall broke it up after two princesses and Wizard Mickey failed to stop it with magic spells.

A teacher went viral on Tik Tok for saying he left his $43,000/yr teaching job to make $65-70,000 as a Walmart manager by “not using his degree”. That, and he gets to steal a lot cooler stuff than just school supplies.

Bruce Springsteen fans are outraged by Ticketmaster’s ‘dynamic pricing’ of tickets to his 2023 tour as high as $5,000 each. They’re even angrier at dynamic ‘You Might Also Like’ suggestions of John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band tickets for $5 each.

Qantas Airlines booked a couple’s 13-month-old baby on a separate flight from Europe to Thailand as they tried to make their way home to Australia. The baby was cool with it since the parents were angry and he was looking forward to breast-feeding from somebody new.

A woman who has sex with her husband on Only Fans had trouble keeping up with her husband’s libido, so she spent $1,800 on a lookalike sex doll. She’s glad her husband has sex with the doll, but angry that the new Only Fans he started with the doll makes more money.

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The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers announced a plan to build a privately funded arena in downtown Philadelphia. Philly Police don’t know if the city is ready for another 80 or so shots on game nights.

Ivana Trump was buried yesterday, following a closed-casket funeral that featured Donald Trump opening the casket to make sure she didn’t still have anything of his.

Kylie Jenner is being dragged on social media as a ‘climate criminal’ for taking rides on her private jet as short as three minutes. She defended her actions, saying some days her 12 cars won’t start.

The NFL’s New York Giants announced two ‘Legacy Games’ where they’ll wear their throwback uniforms from the Super Bowl Championship era of the 80s & 90s. Unfortunately for fans, they’ll still play like it’s 2022.

The prosecution rested its case in Steve Bannon’s contempt of Congress trial after just two days, two witnesses, and zero showers, shaves or shampoos for the defendant.

Police in Pennsylvania were called to a home where a man was in cardiac arrest while being strangled by a 15-foot snake. An officer killed the snake by shooting it in the head, then was placed on administrative leave because the snake was unarmed.

An An, the world’s oldest male panda in captivity died at age 35 in Hong Kong. He lived in a theme park zoo along with male Ye Ye and female Ling Ling, who say they’ll miss the threesomes.

A redhead spotted with Johnny Depp during an appearance in Italy was confirmed not to be a girlfriend, but as a French teacher working on his new movie, ‘Jeanne du Barry‘. The reports were confirmed when she & Depp were spotted Frenching in a limousine.

Police in Utah released video of an incident where a 4-year-old fired a single shot at them following an altercation involving the child’s father at a McDonald’s drive-thru. The restaurant manager said his Utah location had mistakenly received Happy Meal toys intended for Texas.

Amazon is expanding into healthcare with the acquisition of primary care company One Health. Analysts expected the news when they saw red-hot Prime Day deals on pacemakers and replacement joints.

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Netflix posted its largest subscriber loss, with 970,000 people leaving the service in the 2nd quarter. In an effort to turn things around, Netflix hired Comcast’s President of Customer Service so it takes people at least 90 days on the phone to cancel.

Donald Trump called the leader of the Wisconsin state Republican party this month to tell him to decertify results of the 2020 election. He then called Roger Goodell to decertify the New England Patriots 2019 Super Bowl victory because Tom Brady doesn’t return his calls anymore.

DNA from a coffee cup discarded at Philadelphia Airport was used to charge a man with the 1975 cold case murder of a Lancaster County, Pennsylvania woman. David Sinopoli, 68, was charged with the killing after he was rushed to hospital with convulsions from the Dunkin coffee.

Bruce Willis commemorated the 34th Anniversary of the original ‘Die Hard’ by visiting Los Angeles’ Fox Plaza, which served as the Nakatomi Building during filming. Willis, who retired from acting due to cognitive impairment, finished the visit by pushing a British guy in a suit out of a 40th floor window.

The Secret Service delivered only a single text exchange from their cell phones on January 5th & 6th, as requested by the January 6th Committee. It was from an agent assigned to the White House texting Melania Trump ‘u up?’.

Brad Pitt wore a skirt to the Berlin premiere of his action movie Bullet Train. Pitt did not comment, but the skirt choice may have been influenced by the record heat, and by his 2019 divorce agreement that Angelina Jolie wears the pants in their family.

DoorDash will now require customers requesting alcohol deliveries to upload a picture of their ID, and have the ID scanned by the delivery driver. This, after DoorDash supplied the alcohol for the most bitchin’, epic, Sweet 16 party in Phoenix history.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather showed off an $18,000 mink-covered child car seat he’ll use when transporting his young grandson. Mayweather also asked for recommendations for someone who knows how to clean urine and vomit out of mink.

A Pennsylvania barber featured on 90 Day Fiance is being sought by law enforcement for his role in a murder-for-hire plot against his barbershop boss. He faces a featured role on 90 Year Fiance.

‘Dog Whisperer’ Cesar Milan was warned by police that the dogs he was walking are not allowed on the Redondo Beach Pier in California. Milan immediately complied, taking his dogs off of the pier so they could each take a dump on the beach.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci wants the monkeypox virus to be taken more seriously. He believes the first step is calling it something much less hilarious than monkeypox.

A transgender female incarcerated at a New Jersey women’s prison was moved to a men’s facility after impregnating two female inmates. She’s also ordered to pay child support to each mother in the form of ten loose cigarettes a month.

A class action lawsuit alleges Skittles candy is “unfit for human consumption” because of heightened levels of known toxin titanium dioxide. Skittles maker Mars Candy refutes the claim, but halted the introduction of new Tropical Fruit Round-Up Skittles.

Ricky Martin denies a sexual relationship with his nephew, who was granted a restraining order against the singer. However, the nephew’s attorney provided evidence, including Martin’s new single ‘Livin La Vida Incesto’.

New reports show the U.S. Governments’ Departments of Homeland Security, Border Patrol, & Customs are acquiring and using huge amounts of location data from smartphone apps in violation of individual privacy rights. The app data also show some illegal immigrants making really good time getting from Tijuana to Dallas.

Netflix is testing a new payment plan for password sharing, which they call the Add A Home plan. Add A Home tested more favorably with consumers than their other name idea, the Just Tell Your Cheapskate Friend To Get Their Own Account plan.

The United Kingdom is facing its worst heat wave in history, with just 1% of the population owning air conditioners, and federal laws banning citizens from putting ice in their 3 o’clock tea.

Sesame Place theme park is apologizing after a viral video showed costumed character Rosita appearing to ignore two black girls asking for a hug during a parade. Going forward, Rosita will be replaced in the parade by Oscar The Grouch, who will tell all kids to get lost.

A Florida man admitted to lighting firecrackers and throwing them under the bed of a 9-year-old girl. He conceded in court it was the wrong thing to do, but said it did scare away the monsters.

Airline industry analyst Oliver Wyman’s forecasts the global pilot shortage will reach 32,000 openings in ten years. Spirit Airlines is currently conducting interviews with unemployed losers living in their parent’s basement playing Microsoft Flight Simulator.

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The National Suicide Prevention Hotline changed numbers to 988. Suicidal callers to 911 will be told they have the wrong number.

Former Victoria’s Secret models say they had to wear balloons & toys as lingerie during runway shows. They were embarrassed because the items weren’t real clothes, and creeped out by the guys who paid to attach and blow up the balloons.

Delta Air Lines bought one-hundred Boeing 737 Max passenger jets, its first purchase from Boeing in over 10 years. Delta expects the planes to be ready for cancelled flights in 2025.

Thieves stole $100 milion in jewels from an armored car en route to a trade show in Los Angeles. LAPD is currently conducting a series of search warrants on rappers’ teeth.

Golf influencer & model Paige Spiranac is Maxim Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Woman Alive. Spiranac accepted the award, saying she hasn’t felt this honored since Tiger Woods asked her to hold his putter.

Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck married in Las Vegas. Their six combined marriages put them just four punches away from a free ceremony at the Little White Wedding Chapel.

Texas House of Representatives review of the Uvalde school shooting finds ‘systemic failure’ in the police response, in their official report, entitled ‘Duh’.

Stephanie Davison of 90 Day Fiance reportedly paid $2,700 for a one-hour date with another of the show’s ‘stars’, Stephanie Matto. Davison wants to ask Matto – who sells her farts and boob sweat in jars – for “marketing tips”. Matto plans to show Davison how to Google “wholesale jars”.

Rapper Ne-Yo said his new album took four years to complete, citing the influence of the pandemic, and because he couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with COVID.

Jamie Keeton of Wisconsin broke the Guinness World Record by simultaneously suctioning 10 Coke cans to his shaved head for five seconds. He then suffered a concussion after vigorously shaking his skull in a recycling bin.

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BMW is charging $18/month to activate heated seats in its vehicles. They’re also planning to charge $20 for ventilated seats and rolling down the windows when the on-board GPS detects the vehicle at a Taco Bell drive thru.

Elon Musk’s 76-year-old father Errol confirmed he fathered a child with his 34-year-old stepdaughter. Errol Musk blamed the pregnancy on his penis’s Autopilot function.

Tom Brady said his immense wealth is the hardest thing about parenting. He said the second-hardest is his stupid f***ing kids.

Stranger Things actor Noah Schnapp confirmed in an interview that his character, Will Byers, is gay. Vecna confirmed in a different interview that he’s non-binary.

The Italian beach town of Sorrento imposed a new fine on bare chests in public. Although Good Samaritan Sorrento creeps are offering to pay the fine for women 40 & under.

Odor complaints in New York City have reached an all-time high as a result of the high heat, homeless encampments & rotting trash. Residents say it’s the first time they’ve seen rats wearing face masks and Axe body spray.

Thefts of purebred French Bulldogs have become a nationwide crime epidemic. Owners report having their dogs stolen at gunpoint. But, because they’re French, the dogs typically surrender to the kidnappers.

Uber is being sued for sexual assault by 550 women – with a cumulative average customer rating of 1.5 stars.

A South African man competing in a drinking challenge to win $12 died after downing a full bottle of Jagermeister in two minutes. So far, a dozen people on organ transplant waiting lists have passed on taking his liver.

Ivana Trump died at age 73. Eric Trump said funeral arrangements and a guest list are still pending, but he hopes the stork that carried him to her will attend.

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A gay Austraian woman claims she was sent to the hospital for having an ‘overstimulated clitoris’. She requested a second opinion, which took a while since they couldn’t get a male doctor to find it.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she and ex Tristan Thompson are having another baby, to be delivered via surrogate. They chose ‘surrogate’ because it’s easier than saying ‘another woman that Tristan knocked up on a road trip’.

Colorado Representative Lauren Boebert claims in a new memoir her husband was the ‘real victim’ in a case where he exposed his penis to an underage girl in a bowling alley – marking the first time an elected Congressman has written a memoir with a passage about a spouse exposing their penis to an underage girl in a bowling alley.

Delta Air Lines flew 1,000 lost bags from London’s Heathrow Airport to its hub in Detroit, Michigan as a first step toward reuniting the bags with their owners. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the head of the baggage handlers union called 1,000 lost bags “a typical Tuesday”.

Bob Dylan is the latest artist to ban smartphones from his concerts, disappointing fans who were using their phones to look up the lyrics to Dylan’s songs because they couldn’t understand what the hell he was singing.

Viral photos show a man at a Chicago White Sox game texting an escort for sex in exchange for a $100 gift card, all while seated next to a young girl. The date turned out to be a flop, since the guy showed up with a $100 gift card from the Chicago White Sox Team Store.

A 40-year-old woman was fired from her job teaching STEM content to fifth graders after her Only Fans account was discovered. Fifth grade boys were disappointed, saying she definitely extended their STEM awareness.

A 21-year-old Brazilian woman claimed she was hospitalized with ‘trapped gas’ from holding in her farts while attending a music festival with her boyfriend. The woman is now okay, but three ER nurses were placed on ventilators after successfully treating her.

Police in a suburb of Medellin, Colombia destroyed 1.5 tons of marijuana by burning it – and engulfing the entire town in a cloud of weed smoke. Residents bombarded 911 with calls asking for directions to the Phish concert.

A 200-lb turtle was rescued after becoming stuck beneath a boardwalk at Florida’s Satellite Beach. The turtle was treated for malnourishment, and for trauma from having to watch so many gay couples go at it.

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Some North Carolina Little League baseball teams pulled out of the state championship tournament after gunshots were fired during a weekend game. One baserunner was picked off at first base.

The UK’s largest grocer, Tesco, stopped selling Heinz baked beans in a dispute over rising prices. The UK air quality index surged to its highest level in decades.

Lebron James criticized efforts to free WNBA star Britney Griner from a Russian prison. James thinks that Griner should just call a press conference to announce which city she’ll be taking her talents to.

Twitter is suing Elon Musk to force him to follow through on buying the company, utilizing a “you & 229 million other dopes broke it, you bought it” strategy.

MTV suddenly halted production on its new-cast reboot of ‘Jersey Shore’ in Atlantic City. No word was given on why, but it’s rumored that MTV discovered most of the new cast are college-educated, have jobs and are sober.

WalletHub released their list of the Most Stressed Cities in the U.S. Cleveland topped the Most Stressed list – leading new Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson to say that’s why he needs so many stress-relieving massages.

Millions of student loan borrowers were notified that their debt was transferred from Navient to new company Aidvantage. Aidvantage looks forward to never receiving their payments.

A lawyer on Tik Tok claims retail stores are using surveillance footage from self-checkout counters to frame customers for stealing. She specifically cites voice prompts that say “scan item”, then “place the item in your purse”.

Bradley Cooper is reportedly dating Hillary Clinton’s former assistant Huma Abedin. Abedin is the ex-wife of disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner, and is now the steady date of much-admired Hollywood Weiner.

Newly released video of the Uvalde school shooting shows an armed local police officer staring at his phone with a ‘Punisher’ lock screen, while inside the school, doing nothing. He later unlocks the phone and tops his personal record in Candy Crush.

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Starbucks is closing 16 stores because of employee safety concerns stemming from open drug use in the stores. Starbucks is also considering dropping the popular Mocha Fentanyl Latte from other locations.

NASA shared its first images from the James Webb Space Telescope, the largest ever built. Included were an alien planet, a galactic cluster, and a veritable who’s-who of famous women who forgot to close their curtains.

Tiger Woods ripped LIV Golf players who ‘turned their back’ on the PGA Tour and major championships in order to cash in on the Saudi-funded tour. Woods said he would never turn his back on a golf tour, only on his wife or several girlfriends.

Elon Musk said Donald Trump should “hang up his hat and sail into the sunset”. Trump angrily declined, saying he’s scared of boats.

A 23-year-old Maryland man was rescued after falling into Italy’s Mount Vesuvius volcano crater trying to retrieve the smartphone he dropped. Ancient Gods from the great beyond said he lived because you can’t sacrifice morons to the volcano.

Abbey Gile, ex-girlfriend of New York Jets QB Zach Wilson. claims Wilson cheated on her with Wilson’s mom’s best friend. Gile has already sold her screenplay “QB Bangs His Mom’s Best Friend” to be made into a Pornhub Movie Of The Week.

Ania Palus, a lawyer briefly removed from the Wimbledon Men’s Tennis final for drunk-heckling Australia’s Nick Kyrgios, said she was “supporting him”. Palus then left Wimbledon to go to a local comedy club and “support” the comedians there.

A preview of Season 2 of Hulu’s The Kardashians features Kim Kardashian asking boyfriend Pete Davidson if she wants to shower with him. Davidson replies by asking how wide the shower is.

Owners of Tony Luke’s Cheesesteaks in South Philadelphia plead guilty after being sued by the IRS for tax evasion. They also settled with the Food & Drug Administration on charges of nutrition evasion.

Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider criticized performers like Ozzy Osbourne and KISS for having multiple “farewell” tours, likening KISS not going away to holding a “fart in a paper bag”. Meanwhile KISS fans attending their Farewell Tour can pay $40 to buy Paul Stanley’s or Gene Simmons’ farts in a paper bag.

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A dead humpback whale washed ashore at a Wildwood, New Jersey beach. Lifeguards identified it after realizing it wasn’t wearing a swimsuit.

Steve Bannon told the January 6th Committee that he would testify, but that he wouldn’t shave or wash his hair.

The International Shark Attack File recorded 73 ‘unprovoked bites’ worldwide in 2021. Also recorded were 39 so-called ‘provoked bites’ – mainly to boyfriends jealous the shark was getting a little too close with their girl.

Thousands of Sri Lankans – angry at worsening economic conditions and a critical shortage of fuel – stormed the capital and forced the Prime Minister to resign. Everybody walked there.

The Federal Transportation Department told U.S. airlines to start making it easier for families to sit together at no extra charge. Spirit Airlines heeded the call and promptly introduced Family Cargo Hold Seating.

Howie Mandel posted a video of a prolapsed rectum to his Tik Tok account on Saturday night. He later removed it, but not before fellow America’s Got Talent judge Heidi Klum gave it her Golden Buzzer.

The nation’s only retailer for unclaimed airline luggage – Greenpoint Terminal Market – will host a silent auction for a suitcase containing 10 luxury items including Apple Airpods, designer sunglasses & clothing. If it’s a success, the next auction will feature a suitcase full of cocaine.

The Food & Drug Administration received its first application for a non-prescription, over-the-counter birth control pill, that men can buy as a birthday gift for their girlfriends.

After two months missing, it was confirmed that a South Carolina man died after falling into a shredder at a plastic bottle recycling plant where he worked. Forensics experts made the discovery after taking a DNA sample from a fleece hoodie.

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 38th birthday at an island getaway with her extended family, calling it Kamp Koko. However, she’s having her nieces & nephews Kamp Koko Kids t-shirts reprinted with a different name.