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An 8-year-old brought a loaded handgun to a Philadelphia elementary school. The child explained that they’d missed the bus and needed to jack a ride.

Russia accused Ukraine of conducting an air strike on a military fuel depot in Russian territory. Ukraine is now on the board, but trails in air strikes: 1,056 to 1.

Russian soldiers abandoned their position at Chernobyl nuclear plant due to radiation sickness. Female soldiers were mistakenly thought to be pregnant because they’re glowing.

Walgreens is using robots to fill prescriptions, now that human pharmacists are taking on more responsibilities, such as administering vaccines, and keeping robots from swiping opioids.

Washington DC police found five fetuses in the home of 28-year-old anti-abortion activist Lauren Handy. Asked what they were doing there, Handy said she hadn’t been having much luck starting a family.

Construction of homes along the Schuylkill River in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania has been halted due to a massive influx of beavers. The beavers say their peers have yet to be paid for the work they’ve already completed.

NASA’s Hubble Space telescope detected the farthest star ever seen – Bruce Willis, seated in the last row of the highest balcony at the Oscars.

A low-budget radio station in Missouri is one of only two U.S. carriers of Radio Sputnik – a service offering Russian State Radio to foreign countries. They may stop since lots of people are shutting it off because of the 23 hours of music featuring the Trololo guy.

Anchorman actor David Koechner was charged with misdemeanor DUI and leaving the scene of an accident. Whammy!

Actor Jim Carrey said he’s probably retiring, unless a ‘really special’ part comes along – folllowing his commitment to play the lead in Crash Bandicoot 1, 2 & 3.

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Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

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Jim Carrey condemned the standing ovation given to Will Smith as he accepted his Best Actor Oscar. Insiders predict Carrey’s outspoken stance will almost certainly cost him an Oscar nomination for his role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog 2.

Bassist Nikki Sixx said Motley Crue – whose Stadium Tour starts in 10 weeks – haven’t rehearsed together in nine years. He added that lead singer Vince Neil hasn’t sung every word of a song in 30 years.

A former Yale University employee sold $40 million worth of electronics and kept the money, buying luxury cars, real estate, travel, and tuition at University of Phoenix.

Dyson unveiled the ‘Dyson Zone’, headphones with a built-in air purifier for your nose and mouth. It’s for people who like to listen to e*books or music when they use the bathroom at Indian restaurants.

The World Health Organization is investigating hearing problems linked to COVID vaccines. But since COVID already knocked out victims’ taste & smell, they’re less concerned about not hearing farts.

A new study links avocado consumption to a lower risk of heart disease, but researchers warn that it’s still a bad idea to put guacamole on french fries.

Use of disinfectants by pregnant women may increase the risk that their children have eczema or asthma. Pregnant women are advised to douche with something other than Lysol.

Intelligence officials say the North Korean ICBM launch last week was staged – using an older rocket, not new technology. They made the determination after studying the rocket in the propaganda film and seeing a New Kids On The Block sticker on it.

Experts say Russian claims of withdrawal from major Ukrainian cities are false. Their opinions are echoed by Russian hookers, who say they, too, have been misled by Vladimir Putin saying he’ll pull out.

Brooklyn traffic cop Ranjeet Singh is being praised for viral video showing him dancing like Michael Jackson while working busy intersections. Although parents tell their kids to walk a block up the street so they don’t cross near him.

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Will Smith issued a written apology to Chris Rock for slapping him at the Oscars. Jada & Will Smith received Honorary Chairperson Awards from the Alopecia Awareness Foundation.

The January 6th Commission said a 7-hour gap exists in Donald Trump’s phone call logs provided to them. The Commission believes Trump used a different phone; Trump claims there were no calls because of a Three’s Company marathon on TV Land.

Walmart will stop selling cigarettes in some stores. Employees will be offered training on switching over to chewing tobacco.

The FDA authorized fourth Pfizer & Moderna COVID booster shots for Americans 50 & older. They’re available at local pharmacies & clinics, and free inside specially marked boxes of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

A new $26 billion NASA funding proposal includes a program for the first human exploration of Mars – and a second human exploration after the first ones die within minutes.

Scientists are hailing a ‘new era of medicine’ where drugs are customized based on the recipient’s DNA. Although street-level drug dealers say they’ll probably just keep selling the same junk to everyone.

A herd of deer stormed the patio area of a Wisconsin pub and one of them smashed through a picture window. The deer left within seconds with their Uber & Lyft passengers.

Kim Kardashian bought a $400,000 Maybach minivan to drive her four children around – although she was able to get the price down by trading in two of her kids.

A new trailer for Tom Cruise sequel Top Gun: Maverick was released, as the movie enters its third year of previews.

Guinness Book of Records recognized Victory Brinker as the World’s Youngest Opera Singer for performing at age 7. Her classmates also recognized her performance as part of the Longest, Worst, First Grade Talent Show ever.

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Arizona State University hired University of Delaware’s Natasha Adair as their new Women’s Basketball coach. Adair expressed her gratitude for an opportunity to get as far as possible from Delaware.

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at The Oscars, following Rock’s joke about Jada Pinkett Smith’s shaved head. Then co-host Amy Schumer slapped Rock, and called it “parallel thinking”.

The Los Angeles Police Department said Rock declined to file a police report against Will Smith following the slapping incident, according to the officers who interviewed Rock with their knees in his back for 15 minutes.

The FDA is expected to authorize a 2nd COVID booster shot for people over age 50, and the formation of a Booster Club to boost boosters for Boomers.

The University of North Carolina Tar Heels made it to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four, routing Cinderella #15 Seed St. Peter’s, who were denied entry at the gates to New Orleans.

First Lady Jill Biden mourned the death of Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, saying she’s saddened that the two hardest-rocking drummers she knew are now gone – Hawkins, and Karen Carpenter.

A rare pink grasshopper was found by a Texas man. The grasshopper was hiding after being chased by a gang of angry straight grasshoppers.

A British man – paralyzed from the waist down – climbed 1,444 stairs with the help of a robotic exoskeleton, breaking a world record. He spoke to reporters afterward, asking if the elevator was fixed.

A man ran a half-marathon in 2 hours & 19 minutes while pushing his quintuplets in a stroller. His wife called and asked him to make it a full marathon since she was really enjoying the time alone.

A Florida non-profit, Keep Florida Beautiful, placed robots on beaches to pick up small litter items like cigarette butts and bottle caps. Currently all of the robots are recovering from severe infections after picking up condoms.

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Jeffrey Epstein’s private Caribbean islands are listed for sale at $125 million. But because of their sordid history, they may sell for under 18.

Amidst a wave in Spring Break violence, Miami Beach is banning alcohol sales after 6pm. College drinkers are invited to join senior citizens getting hammered at the Early Bird Special.

Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, texted White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to encourage him to overthrow the 2020 Presidential Election. She would have texted Trump directly, but since she’s 65 and weighs over 150 pounds, Trump wouldn’t give her his number.

570,000 chickens will be culled because of a bird flu outbreak on a Nebraska poultry farm, unless the chickens win an 11th-hour reprieve from the Governor.

A man punched a Southwest Airlines gate agent after being removed from his flight departing Atlanta. He was arrested, jailed, and picked a window seat.

Uber reached a deal to list all New York City taxis on its app – giving cabbies the equal opportunity they’ve sought to sexually harass female passengers.

Netflix will air The Comedy Store’s tribute to Bob Saget as a special this June. A Netflix spokesperson said that after giving Jeff Foxworthy a new special, people will eager to watch an hour-long show about a dead guy.

Russian President Vladimir Putin blamed “cancel culture” for sanctions against Russia taken by countries opposing his invasion of Ukraine. Putin’s edgy hot take earned him a headlining weekend with four shows at Moscow’s Chuckle Dungeon comedy club.

After 50 years, a sample of the Moon’s surface from the 1972 Apollo 17 mission was opened by NASA for testing. The test was a success, as the dust sample was sucked up in no time by a new Dyson hand vacuum.

Scientists determined how boa constrictors keep breathing while squeezing and suffocating their prey. It took a while because the scientist who published the report was still pretty upset watching a snake kill three of his coworkers.

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Moderna said its COVID vaccine for children aged 6 months to 5 years is effective in preventing severe effects of the virus. In fact, it’s so effective, your kids will be screaming for it.

The FDA recalled three blood pressure medications because they may cause cancer. Although you can still get them if you have a BadRX card.

A North Carolina teacher resigned after a student recorded audio of him calling them “idiots”, in what’s being called one of the worst graduation speeches ever.

U.S. airlines are asking the FAA to end the mask mandate, saying it’s the sixth-biggest complaint passengers have about flying.

Police in Upper Moreland, Pennsylvania successfully removed a soda can stuck on the head of a neighborhood skunk, but currently have no leads on the two carjackings that happened while they were busy.

New images from an international space telescope show ORCs, or “odd radio circles”, bigger than a galaxy. The 10th astronaut caller in to the radio circle wins Styx tickets.

UFC fighter Jorge Masvidal was arrested after punching rival Colby Covington outside a Miami restaurant, breaking his tooth. Covington returned inside, then a woman in a bikini paraded around the sidewalk holding a card reading ‘Round 2’ before they resumed fighting.

Spinosaurus – the biggest carnivorous dinosaur ever, larger than a T Rex – was amphibious and hunted prey underwater. Although it preferred hunting on land, because it hated how it looked in a swimsuit.

University of Arizona basketball player Benn Mathurin apologized to a Texas Christian University cheerleader, whose breast he accidentally touched leaving the court after his team’s victory. The cheerleader hasn’t responded, but was awarded two free throws.

Leah Shutkever of England broke the Guinness World Record by eating 19 chicken nuggets in one minute. Her record was broken seconds later by some guy at a red light after hitting the McDonald’s drive-thru at 1a.m.

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A North Carolina man surrendered a dog to a shelter because he thought it was gay. The dog regrets letting the man sniff his ass for ten minutes.

Cuoy Griffin, founder of ‘Cowboys for Trump’ was convicted at trial for breaching the Capitol in the January 6th riots. He’ll be sentenced once the jury is done rehearsing ‘Happy Trails’.

Boo, resident grizzly bear at Kicking Horse Mountain Resort animal preserve in British Columbia, Canada, emerged from his hibernation. Boo then grabbed an iPad and a couple magazines and went back into hibernation for another 45 minutes.

Three firefighters at a Virginia fire company welcomed newborn babies within hours of each other. One had a pregnant wife, the other two just picked up babies left outside the station house.

18 pounds of cocaine were found in a jet at Philadelphia International Airport – leading to a new speed record for airport workers unloading bags.

Florida now requires the completion of a ‘financial literacy’ course to graduate high school. The courses will be taught by drug & gun dealers who made millions after dropping out in 10th grade.

Police in Oldham, England responding to a call about an escaped tiger realized it was actually a large stuffed toy. The toy was returned to a little girl after cops finished removing 35 bullets.

Astronauts Raja Chari and Matthias Maurer spacewalked to install hoses and cables outside the International Space Station, then said they hoped that, one day, they could take a goddamn leisurely spacewalk without being asked to fix shit.

A man with ALS – Lou Gehrig’s Disease – is now able to communicate in full sentences after microchips were implanted in his brain. He was able to say “I don’t want anyone putting microchips in my brain”.

A trainer working with former NFL QB Colin Kaepernick claims multiple teams have inquired about speaking with him, asking when would be a good time to call and tell Kaepernick they’re not interested.

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Miami Beach declared a State Of Emergency following a wave of Spring Break violence. Police continue to monitor a crisis at the MTV Beach House where Vanilla Ice and Color Me Badd have so far refused to release hostages.

Indiana’s GOP Governor Mike Holcomb vetoed a bill banning transgender athletes from school sports – which has nothing to do with his daughter being one home run away from her school’s softball season record.

The body of a man missing for 10 years was found in the freezer of an abandoned London pub. Anyone who ordered the Shepherds Pie in 2012 is advised to get checked out.

Video shows a preschool teacher leading 4-year-olds in an anti-Joe Biden chant – followed by several of the kids complaining that they’re not learning anything in Ms. Palin’s class.

A tornado touched down at a Walmart in Texas. As employees and shoppers ran for cover, the tornado looted several big-screen TVs.

IQAir, a company tracking global air quality, ranked Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands & French New Caledonia as the best. The worst are India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and the ladies room of The View.

Kylie Jenner announced her new son with Travis Scott is no longer named Wolf, because it didn’t feel like it suited him, and because it’s too difficult to spell.

The District Of Columbia sued Grubhub for “deceptive trade practices”, such as excessive fees, and promising food would arrive hot and free of spit.

Over 100,000 Android phone users have been hacked by a Facebook-password-stealing app Craftsart Cartoon Photo Tools. The app turns your pics into a cartoon of you complaining that your nudes just got sent to all of your Facebook friends.

David Rush broke the Guinness World Record by ‘fist-bumping’ 152 people in a minute – a feat made more impressive because many participants kept forgetting and tried shaking his hand instead.

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Britney Spears is reportedly working on new music for the first time in six years. She’s struggling to rhyme ‘conservatorship’.

Alcohol-related deaths increased 25% during the pandemic – and 90% in households where in-laws moved in.

A Los Angeles driver sent a rented Tesla Model S airborne at a steep intersection, crashing into parked cars before fleeing on foot. Police are offering a reward for information leading to the capture of Elon Knelon.

‘Maury‘ is ending after 30 years. Povich’s wife Connie Chung looks forward to a dinner conversation that isn’t about pregnant single women.

Kanye West’s Grammy performance was cancelled by producers, citing his “concerning online behavior” and “music that threatens the life of his ex-wife’s boyfriend”.

The Cleveland Browns claim they did “extensive research” before acquiring accused sex criminal Deshaun Watson in a trade. As a result of their research, some of the women accusing Watson are now also suing Cleveland Browns personnel execs.

Applebee’s claims they want to be “more like McDonald’s and less like Olive Garden”. Either way, someone is gonna be disappointed on Mother’s Day.

Equifax, Experian & TransUnion credit reporting agencies say they’ll remove medical debt from credit reports. Since then, they’ve been inundated with requests from people with lousy credit scores saying they went to med school at University of Phoenix.

Dating app company Match Group launched Stir, a dating app for single parents. There’s a free version, and a Premium version that costs $89.99 of your child support money.

Justin Bieber’s wife, Hailey, was briefly hospitalized for evaluation of a brain condition – unrelated to extended conversations with Justin Bieber.