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TBS host Samantha Bee is facing criticism for calling Ivanka Trump a “feckless c*nt” – while liberals scramble to look up the meaning of “feckless”.

A deadly E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has passed, and prices for romaine have dropped by more than half while growers are losing millions of dollars. The only lettuce with year-over-year sales growth is butter lettuce, which faces its own backlash from obese dieters over its misleading name.

Brett Bland, a fired car salesman in Texas is suing his former dealership, saying his boss repeatedly pinched his nipples and forced him to breathe ‘soiled air’ after farting in his office with the door closed. Bland is seeking unspecified damages against his former employer, Junior High Locker Room Acura.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly returning $9 million worth of wedding gifts. Per royal protocol, they are not allowed to keep any of them, especially not the PlayStation that Harry had squirreled away in the Princecave.

Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, denied reports that his famous daughter is financially reporting him, although he admitted that the one time he reached out for money, she only had $5 in Deal Or No Deal briefcase.

Discount retailers Dollar General and Dollar Tree both posted disappointing earnings reports to Wall Street. Executives for each of the chains blamed the results on poor people.

Kim Kardashian West met with President Trump at the White House to discuss prison reform, including clemency for Alice Johnson, a non-violent drug offender serving a life sentence. Kardashian did not comment on rumors that the President said “I’ll free your Johnson if you’ll free mine.”

Trump said that the two had a great meeting, most of which he spent staring at the back of Kim’s skirt, or, as he calls it, the Oval Office.

Benje Choucroun, a 13-year-old writer from Time for Kids, asked press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders what the Trump administration was doing to help keep schools safe. Sanders answered the question, as Choucroun arrived back home to see a Tweet calling him a “diaper baby for the failing fake news Time for Kids.”

Andrew Tornetta, a man arrested for allegedly punching a Philadelphia police horse after a playoff game, is suing the police and the Philadelphia Eagles. Tornetta’s lawsuit claims cruel and unusual punishment, citing the 12 hours of community service he completed picking up trash while being force to wear an Eli Manning jersey.

Charlotte Fox, a 61-year-old lifelong mountain climber who survived a blizzard while climbing Mount Everest in the late 90s, died after an apparent fall down her stairs at home. First responders say she was not wearing her safety harness at the time.

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Kim Kardashian West is scheduled to meet with White House officials to discuss prison reform. She’ll show them how to fund reform projects with videos of prison sex.

Roseanne Barr blamed sleep aid Ambien for the racist tweets that got her tv show cancelled. Drug maker Sanofi defended their product, saying it works better when you mix it with alcohol.

Valerie Jarrett, target of the tweet in which Roseanne compared her to an ape, suggested that Roseanne’s firing be a “teaching moment”, to get more Republicans hooked on Ambien.

President Trump heard that ABC Networks President Bob Iger called Jarrett to apologize for Roseanne’s tweet, and himself tweeted that he never got an apology call from Iger for all of the horrible things said about him on ABC. In response, the heads of ABC, NBC, TBS, Comedy Central, HBO and others will apologize for every Trump joke, which will tie up the President through the 2020 election.

Singapore Airlines will restart the World’s Longest Nonstop Flight on October 11th, from Singapore to Newark. The flight will take nearly 19 hours, or 30 if you’re seated within a few rows of a baby.

Ivanka Trump left a conference call about health & fitness after a reporter asked a question about President Trump’s fitness regimen. A White House spokesperson said that Ivanka was scheduled to leave, and that her assistant capably replied “what fitness regimen?”

Madeleine Dye, 106, of South Yorkshire England, says her old age is credited to independence and avoiding stress that comes with relationships. Although Dye said avoiding relationships isn’t much of a problem for her now.

Researchers at the University of Toronto claim that most over-the-counter vitamins offer little to no benefit to cardiac health, a claim disputed by a fourth grader who skipped a week of Flintstones vitamins and had a heart attack on the monkey bars.

Rep. Diane Black, a Republican candidate for Governor of Tennessee, blamed grocery store pornography for the recent spate of school shootings — unaware that, thanks to the Internet, no one under age 50 has bought porn in a grocery store since 1997.

A research study commissioned by food company Farm Rich says that American teenagers spend 1,000 hours thinking about food during their teenage years. A similar study of Syrian teenagers said they spend every hour thinking about food and not dying.

 

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A study of 182 men and women with sleep apnea showed that use of a CPAP machine & mask can improve sex lives — just not oral sex.

The Washington Post reported that the United States lost 1,475 immigrant children last year, and that the Immigration & Naturalization Department has been inundated with questions from parents asking to sign their kids up for this program.

22-year-old Mamoudou Gassama is a hero after viral video showed him climbing four stories of balconies on a Paris building to rescue a 4-year-old child dangling from a balcony. The child’s father was reportedly playing Pokemon Go at the time, and when he saw his child’s predicament, he dropped his phone, leaving a Squirtle to fall to its death.

Hulk Hogan apologized after mistakenly tweeting that Jackass’ co-star Bam Margera had died. Hogan later tweeted that he had confused Jackass’ Ryan Dunn, who is dead, with Margera’s career.

Over 8,000 Starbucks locations are closed today for racial bias training, resulting in 24-hour delays in the completion of tens of thousands of awesome novels and screenplays.

Mormon Mitt Romney said that Donald Trump “is not a role model” for his grandkids. Romney added that, yes, Trump has had three wives, but not all at the same time.

At Napa Valley’s BottleRock music festival, Snoop Dogg set the Guinness World Record for mixing the largest glass of gin & juice. However, thousands of festivalgoers were turned away from sharing it, ’cause they brought they cups but they ain’t chipped in.

President Donald Trump is placing 25% tariffs on $50 Billion in Chinese-made goods. The list of items will be announced on June 15th, after Trump has had time to make sure his hotels and golf courses have everything they need.

Tom Garrett, Republican U.S. Representative from Virginia, will not seek reelection and will undergo treatment for alcoholism. “Pussy” said a spokesperson for the Kennedy family.

Uber is testing a new Emergency Call feature in its app, that – with the press of a button – notifies police if a rider is in trouble. So far the 911-like feature has resulted in the police rescue of dozens of riders who didn’t like the radio station or needed the air conditioning adjusted.

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MoveHub’s International Hipster Index released the 25 Most Hipster-Friendly cities in the world. Three Florida cities – Orlando, Miami & Ft. Lauderdale – made the Top Ten, making them top cities for both hipsters and artificial hips.

Morgan Freeman has been accused of painfully slow, deliberate sexual harassment.

A study from the World Cancer Research Fund links obesity to 12 different types of cancer. “A dozen? You mean like donuts?” asked a mildly surprised obese person.

According to the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife, mussels off the coast of Seattle have tested positive for opioids. They’ve never seen such relaxed mussels.

Sally Anderson, a life coach in New Zealand, is being accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ for getting a native Maori chin tattoo, when she is not of Maori descent. Anderson, who is married to a Maori, says it’s an homage to Maori culture, but critics say the tattoo clearly reads ‘Dave Matthews Band’.

The Centers for Disease Control reports that tick-borne illness is rising. Jennifer Slone, a librarian in Ohio, nearly died from ehrlichiosis, a bacterial infection from a tick bite. She says that she now tucks her pants in to her socks, her shirt in to to her pants, sprays herself with DEET, and doesn’t get much action on her Tinder profile.

Just 37% of those replying to a Gallup poll said President Trump’s administration has “excellent” or “good” ethical standards – the lowest total of any President in 40 years. Worse, the survey was of coal miners.

Three members of the NFL New York Giants equipment staff have been fired for involvement in a lawsuit pertaining to phony Eli Manning memorabilia. Manning himself is alleged to have emailed one of them in 2010 to find “2 helmets that can pass as game used”; but, as you might expect from Manning, the email was intercepted.

Amazon confirmed a Portland, Oregon woman’s report that one of their Amazon Echo personal assistant/speakers recorded a random conversation about ‘hardwood floors’ and emailed it to a friend. They explained that Alexa heard the woman say ‘hard wood’ and assumed the guy she was sleeping with would want to know.

An eight-person jury in in San Jose, California ordered Samsung to pay Apple $539 million for copying some of iPhone’s features. Apple CEO Tim Cook handed each of the jurors an envelope, telling them to ‘get themselves something nice’, before adding the rest of the money to the gigantic pile.

 

 

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Tinder announced that they’re officially testing ‘Tinder Places’ – the app’s new way of connecting people by sharing locations in common they visit. Tinder says the idea is to give users a mutual interest — or, a second mutual interest, besides getting laid as fast as possible.

Amazon is expanding Amazon Map Tracker to more customers. Map Tracker lets you follow package transit in realtime, from the moment it’s loaded by an underpaid warehouse packer, to a delivery contractor tossing it on your stoop from 15 feet away, to its theft by hoodie-clad punks.

Researchers used a submarine to find the wreck of the 300-year-old Spanish galleon ‘San Jose’ – with treasure worth $17 billion – off the coast of Colombia. Spain and Colombia are both claiming ownership of the treasure, and will settle it via an epic pirate sword fight.

A Federal Court judge ruled that President Trump cannot block accounts on Twitter. He has to just Mute them and deny it like everybody else.

Jared Kushner received a full U.S. security clearance, making him eligible to skip morning national security briefings.

President Trump cancelled the planned summit with North Korea, citing ‘anger and hostility’ from Kim Jong Un, and the weird taste of Big Macs he sampled from a McDonald’s near the meeting site in Singapore.

The National Football League announced a new policy requiring all on-field players, coaches and staff to stand during the pregame National Anthem. The league said it will fine offending players, and force them to listen to 20 minutes of Cris Collinsworth talking about them.

Two Ebola patients who fled a treatment center in the Congo each died within two days of escaping, but both said they were glad they got to see Avengers – Infinity War.

Ten different families combined to transport a dog found in Pennsylvania over 2,000 miles to his owners in Arizona who’d lost him a year earlier. The dog was happy to get home, but couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just let him book the direct flight he wanted.

Facebook is asking U.K. users to preemptively submit naked photos so Facebook can put them in a ‘Revenge Porn’ database to prevent them from appearing online. Facebook said the nudes will only be seen by a specially trained team of five auditors, who are currently swamped archiving naked pictures of Meghan Markle.

A judge in Kansas ordered the organizer of a cult to pay $8 million to a former member with no formal education, for forcing her to work a decade with no pay. A spokesperson for the cult said “Walmart is not a cult.”

 

 

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A pregnant inmate escaped police custody at a hospital in Rochester, New York, but was recaptured hours later. Police don’t know when her baby is due, but they requested a sonogram to determine whether the newborn will get a pink or blue ankle bracelet.

University hospital researchers in Dallas say that exercising just two or three days per week could be beneficial to heart health, with the exception of people too poor to own a car who walk to Popeye’s.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation claims that the children’s movie ‘Show Dogs’ features scenes that normalize genital touching to its young audience, since a talking dog is taught to allow dog show judges to touch his genitals. Parents are being told to talk to their kids about predatory sexual behavior, and to not enter their children in dog shows.

Atlantic City, New Jersey reports that its casino earnings are “profitable, but shrinking.” Longtime Atlantic City prostitutes are using the same “profitable, but shrinking” phrase to describe the genitals of their aging clientele.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ crowned figure skater Adam Rippon its newest champion, stunning observers who doubted a gay male could succeed at both figure skating and ballroom dancing.

Jessica McCusker, tax clerk in a Philadelphia suburb, was charged with felony embezzlement for taking over $200,000 in property tax payments that residents made in cash. Officials say that cash payments for property taxes are no longer allowed, and must be made either by check, hoagies, or opioids.

Videos posted to Twitter show a Minnesota restaurant patron throwing a glass of water on Fox News Commentator Tomi Lahren, and Lahren melting.

Carson Meyer, a college hockey player for the University of Miami, suffered from loss of appetite, weight loss and fatigue, then went to the bathroom and found that he’d passed a two-foot-long tapeworm. Meyer has modified his diet to cut out raw fish, and the tapeworm was ejected for fighting to stay in his intestine.

According to the Federal Reserve’s ‘Report on the Economic Well-Being of Households in 2017’, 40 percent of adults don’t have the money to cover a $400 emergency expense. Mainly because they’re millennials whose parents don’t know how to Venmo them the 400 bucks.

The Centers for Disease Control gave the all-clear to eat romaine lettuce again, following a widespread E.coli outbreak. “Finally!” said hungry hamsters and guinea pigs.

 

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A judge in Oregon ordered a 15-year-old boy to pay $36 million in restitution for starting the Eagle Creek wildfires, which burned 48,000 acres. His lawyers plan to appeal, but in the meantime the boy has increased his lawn-mowing fee to $75,000.

McDonald’s board of directors will be asked to consider a ban on plastic drinking straws. The move comes as environmental advocates try to curb single-use plastics, and as families mourn the loss of loved ones who died from collapsed lungs trying to suck up Shamrock Shakes.

JCPenney, mired in losses as it struggles to turn business around, suffered another blow as CEO Marvin Ellison said he’s leaving to become CEO of home improvement chain Lowe’s.  Ellison immediately announced a new aisle at Lowe’s for customers who mow their lawn in cargo shorts, sandals and black dress socks.

President Trump is angry at reports an FBI informant met with members of his Presidential Campaign advisory staff. Justice and Intelligence department officials are refusing to confirm the existence or name of the informant, but are privately concerned at Eric Trump’s inability to keep a secret.

Stacey Cunningham is set to become the first female President of the New York Stock Exchange. She states that her first order of business is coming up with a way for stock shoppers to return ones they don’t like.

After winning Season 16 of American Idol, winner Maddie Poppe announced she’s dating runner-up Caleb Lee Hutchinson — creating a music-industry power couple you won’t be able to remember in a week.

A couple in Upstate New York filed a petition with the state Supreme Court to have their son evicted from their home. The son, in turn, filed his own petition asking that he be allowed to remain in the house until he finishes God of War.

Former Navy SEAL Jocko Willink, author of new book ‘Way of the Warrior Kid’ recommends getting up every day at 4:30a.m.  Willink says that you can get a lot of self-betterment tasks done between 4:30 and 7a.m., and besides, it’s so much easier to kill people before they get out of bed.

Sex videos of WWE Star wrestler Paige have leaked onto the Internet. The videos reportedly show her having sex with wrestler Xavier Woods in a position they call ‘climbing the turnbuckle’.

Conservatives responded angrily when it was announced that Michelle and Barack Obama will be producing content for Netflix. One, because they’re sick of the Obamas; and two, because their first production is another Adam Sandler movie.

 

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Cherry Hill East High School apologized for its “insensitive” prom tickets which read “party like it’s 1776”, since the event happens at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. African American students found the phrase offensive; prom organizers claim they weren’t thinking of slavery, just about how many 17-year-olds got pregnant in 1776.

A Lyft driver kicked a gay male couple out of his vehicle after they kissed each other. The driver explained  he needed the space for a hotter gay female couple that wanted to kiss.

Government statistics released this week show declining birth rates in every age group of U.S. women except one: women in their 40s. Experts attribute the rise in 40+ women having babies to improved fertility treatments, lower standards, and cheaper alcohol.

A mountain lion fatally attacked a bicyclist on a remote trail in North Bend, Washington. Police shot and killed the lion as it fled on the bicycle.

A double amputee with no legs reached the summit of Mount Everest. Asked by his sherpa if his feet were cold, he replied “probably”.

Some residents of Hawaii’s Big Island had to be airlifted as lava from the Kilauea volcano advanced at rates of 300 to 400 yards per hour. So far the lava flows have destroyed 26 homes and interrupted countless pizza deliveries.

Singing star Grimes, currently dating Tesla founder and billionaire Elon Musk, is changing her first name to ‘c’, the symbol for the speed of light — and, as in, “let’s c how much money this guy will spend on me.”

Jonathan Oddi, the man arrested for entering Trump Doral Golf Club, shooting at a chandelier and exchanging gunfire with officers, was a bodybuilder and porn performer. He’s believed to be the first porn actor not welcome at a Trump Property.

A woman who left behind a cooler containing 100 ounces of her breast milk on a United flight from Florida to New Jersey was thrilled to hear that it was recovered by a flight attendant who delivered it to her house. “Here’s your 40 ounces of breast milk” he said, adding “a lot of people bought white russians on the flight after yours.”

A new World Health Organization report claims that exercising in polluted areas could be bad for your health – the report followed swimmers and aquacizers who worked out daily in the YMCA pool after kids pissed in it.

A deaf couple traveling on Delta Airlines with a Great Dane service dog got in a shoving match with a couple who complained the dog was too big, and who allegedly punched it. The couple tried telling their dog to heel, but it didn’t understand sign language.

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Meghan Markle’s father underwent heart surgery, ruling out his walking her down the aisle at Saturday’s Royal Wedding. But there’s still a small chance he could wheel her down the aisle.

Disney World announced they’re now serving alcohol at every table-service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Building on the success of their popular children’s breakfasts with Disney characters, adult men can now pay a fixed price to see if they can get a Princess hammered enough to go home with them.

20th Century Fox named Suzanne Scott its first-ever woman CEO, overseeing channels such as Fox News and Fox Business Network. Scott starts after a two-week suspension she imposed on herself for inappropriately touching the CEO.

President Trump called Scott to congratulate her on having such a nice ass.

The White House announced that President Trump donated his quarterly salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs – this after recently filed ethics forms disclosed he’d donated the prior quarter’s salary to the Department of Porn Star Affairs.

AT&T and Verizon will sell the $1300 RED Hydrogen One smartphone later this year. According to RED, the phone has a display capable of displaying “4-view holographic content.” Now owners of the phone can tell their Tinder hookups ‘you look nothing like your holograph.’

Princess Cruises is introducing the Sky Princess, a new ship that will sail the Caribbean with luxury cabins that accommodate up to five people — and luxury toilets that will let three of them with norovirus vomit at the same time.

Nev Schulman, host of MTV’s ‘Catfish’, is suspended while being investigated on charges of sexual misconduct by women who are, like, totally real and totally, like, not guys.

A Washington state Court of Appeals ruled that crime scene photos from Kurt Cobain’s death will not be released publicly. The decision regarding the photos was welcomed by Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love, who’s excited to start selling them.

According to the April edition of NOAA’s Global Climate Report, Earth has recorded warmer-than-average temperatures for 400 straight months. However, the findings are disputed by your wife standing in front of the thermostat.

Recent tax law changes limiting deductible expenses are causing small businesses to cut back on entertainment outings for clients. Some businesses have stopped taking clients to expensive dinners and sporting events, and are killing the buzz at strip clubs by taking ten minutes to negotiate rates before buying clients’ lap dances.

A Delta Airlines flight crew postponing a takeoff due to a medical emergency asked if a doctor was on board, and were surprised to learn Surgeon General Jerome Adams was on board. Adams tweeted that he successfully treated the patient, which involved telling the ill passenger to stop eating the sandwich Delta gave them.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney hosted a party for city residents 100 years of age or older. 110 centenarians came to the party, and 107 made it until the end.

 

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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.