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In the interest of gender inclusion, Boy Scouts of America is changing their name to Scouting America. However, Scoutmasters are still expected to continue Molesting America.

Panera Bread is discontinuing their caffeine-fortified Charged Lemonade following deaths of customers who drank it. “When life gives you lawsuits, you stop making Charged Lemonade” said Panera’s spokesperson.

Attorney’s in Donald Trump’s hush money case called for a mistrial during sexually explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels. The judge dismissed the motion saying that, unlike the sex between Trump & Daniels, the testimony won’t end prematurely.

Financial experts say more Americans are making the financial mistake of “spaving” – spending more to save more via Free Shipping minimums or get ‘buy one, get one offers’. They say the practice is resulting in more and more ‘spankruptcies’

Kim Kardashian’s extreme waist-cinching corset beneath her Met Gala dress made it hard to breathe. She told Vogue she felt “so snatched I (can’t tell) you how snatched I feel.” Fortunately Pete Davidson, Reggie Bush, Kanye West, Ray J, and many other athletes & celebrities know how snatched she feels – or something like that.

Anaheim, California City Council approved a massive $1.9 billion Disneyland expansion proposal called Disneyland Forward. They also rejected a smaller proposal called Disneyland Backward that would have featured freak shows and attractions targeting poor people who can’t afford Disneyland.

The Biden Administration is reportedly halting bomb shipments to Israel – although that didn’t stop ‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’ from opening in cinemas in Tel Aviv & Jerusalem.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard posted sexy, post-plastic-surgery snaps on Instagram, reminding followers that there’s always hope. And that if hope runs out, you can always convince someone to murder whoever is keeping you down.

A zoo in China dyed two small dogs black-and-white and exhibited them as panda cubs. Zoogoers quickly recognized them as fakes, but that isn’t stopping the zoo from opening the new zebra exhibit with a couple of dobermans.

A doctor accused of fatally poisoning his wife listed his relationship status as ‘widower’ on dating app Bumble before her alleged murder. He found he got more dates that way than by calling himself an ‘aspiring widower’.

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Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

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Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.

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The Rolling Stones announced a 16-city 2024 U.S. tour, sponsored by AARP. Representatives from AARP will be on hand to scold retirees about blowing $500 from their 401k on Rolling Stones tickets.

As rescue workers attempt to dig out 41 construction workers trapped in a tunnel collapse in India, hot meals of rice & lentils were delivered to them via a steel pipe. The Grubhub guy received no tip.

Before a school board reversed his decision, a Sherman, Texas high school principal left voicemails informing parents that transgender students could not perform roles in Oklahoma! aligned with their gender identity. He also said he’s not changing the title of the next production to The Music Person.

Celebrity & game show host Wayne Brady fought with a drunk driver who backed in to his car, then attempted to flee as officers arrived. The man was arrested, and Brady may appear to host his court hearing – Let’s Make A Plea Deal.

A man attempted to kidnap and kill his estranged wife at a suburban Philadelphia Walmart. Workers at the store thought it was a dress rehearsal for customers attempting to murder each other on Black Friday.

Six major media companies including Disney, NBCUniversal & Paramount halted spending on X after Elon Musk boosted antisemitic conspiracy theories. They’re shifting spending to Truth Social and its more pro-American conspiracy theories.

Best Buy, Lowes & Kohl’s are all forecasting a drop in annual holiday sales. However, liquor stores & OnlyFans say they’ll more than make up for the hit to the economy.

Kalpana Balan, a 26-year-old Indian woman, established a Guinness World Record for having 38 teeth – six more than the average human. She also broke a different record by flossing out a quarter pound of a burrito stuck between them.

Only 23 percent of women on dating app Bumble are actively seeking marriage as a goal. Relationship experts say this is great news for empowered, independent women – but also great news for hit-it-and-quit-it horny men.

A woman gave birth on a Pegasus Airlines jet just before departure on a flight from Istanbul to Marseilles. Paramedics boarded to assist in the delivery, then gently placed the baby under the seat in front of the mother, because overhead bins were full.

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Rodney Alcala, a serial murderer known as The Dating Game Killer, died in prison before he could be executed. The Wheel Of Fortune killer RE_AI_S AT LAR_E.

A woman who matched with a January 6th rioter on dating app Bumble turned him in to federal authorities. She wanted to meet at a coffee shop, he wanted to break into her house with dozens of his friends.

Doctors, nurses and other medical workers are demanding that all health care professionals get COVID-19 vaccines, except for maybe hospice caregivers because, well, you know..

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania contractor was fined for employing minors at his roofing company. He was reported after a customer saw him carrying a worker up a ladder on his shoulders as he held a Fisher-Price toolbox.

Las Vegas Police solved a 1989 cold case murder using a record-low volume of DNA cells – determining the killer was the victim’s cousin, who died in 1996. Jury selection begins next week for the trial of the suspect’s skeleton.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards – who is allergic to beestings – was briefly hospitalized after walking into a beehive. Her costars all walked into the same hive a day later after noticing Kyle’s fuller lips.

Rapper Lizzo posted a viral TikTok video twerking while wearing popular new “booty lifting” $19 Seasum leggings from Amazon. The leggings are also popular with Amazon warehouse workers because they, too, do a lot of heavy lifting.

The NFL’s Houston Texans appear to have reversed course and may trade disgruntled QB Deshaun Watson, who’s been named in over 20 sexual assault allegations. He’s been sued so many times, the league may put up a testimony tent next to the concussion one.

NBC Universal is being torched for putting Team USA Men’s Basketball opening-round Olympic loss to France on its struggling streaming service, Peacock. A spokesman said they put it on Peacock because they didn’t want viewers to miss the air fryer infomercial on CNBC.

It’s so hot at the Tokyo Olympics, Russian tennis player Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova shoved bags of ice up her skirt during changeovers. “Uh oh” said her boyfriend.

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Dollar General will give employees four hours’ pay to get a Covid-19 vaccine. Then they can use that money to buy four items in the store.

Philadelphia is experiencing a rise in stolen license plates for use by criminals on stolen cars. The dumber thieves are taking the Philadelphia Eagles plates.

The Showboat hotel in Atlantic City converted its entire casino into a gaming arcade, in the hope of attracting more families. In response, Atlantic City hookers working the arcade are offering family rates.

Fans in Los Angeles purchased a billboard asking Marvel Studios to bring Iron Man Tony Stark “back to life”. The billboard replaced one purchased to convince teen runaways to come “back to their families”.

A New York man was arrested after telling a woman he matched with on Bumble that he stormed the Capitol on January 6th. She cancelled their first date where he planned to take her to storm an ice cream parlor.

NASA’s Perseverance rover converted a small sample of Mars’ atmosphere into breathable oxygen. “What stinks?” asked Martians.

Women fully vaccinated against COVID-19 are selling “COVID antibody breast milk” online for $2 an ounce or more. If that’s too expensive, they’re selling “COVID antibody cow’s milk” that they spit in for $5 a gallon.

72 Iowa prison inmates received overdoses of COVID-19 vaccine. They pulled the bars off of their cells with their bare hands and remain at large.

Justin Bieber gave a solo acoustic concert at a California state prison. He was pleased with his performance, but disappointed in t-shirt sales.

A UPS driver is credited with rescuing a 4-year-old boy who became trapped under a 90-pound package. The driver is also credited with leaving the 90-pound package on top of a 4-year-old boy.

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Match, parent company of Tinder, is suing its dating app competitor Bumble, saying that Bumble stole Tinder’s ‘swiping’ and ‘women make the first move’ ideas.  Before the matter goes to court, Match, Tinder & Bumble are going out for coffee with their gay friend Grindr to see if they can work things out.

Sex And The City actress Cynthia Nixon is challenging incumbent Andrew Cuomo for the Democratic nomination for Governor of New York State. She’s narrowed her campaign slogans down to “Nixon – A Name You Can Trust” or “I Was The Dumpy One, So You Know I’m Good At Politics”.

An Arizona pedestrian was struck and killed by a self-driving Uber. Worse, the car was texting.

Delta Airlines is apologizing for misrouting a puppy on a cross-country flight. The puppy departed Richmond, VA bound for Boise, ID but was sent to Las Vegas. The puppy was finally reunited with its owner, but was hungover and broke.

Here’s Ivanka Trump preparing for a romantic evening with Jared Kushner as they contemplate having a fourth child:

Ivanka lab photo

Police in Glendale, Wisconsin are looking for a woman who assaulted a McDonald’s employee for putting sausage on her breakfast sandwich instead of bacon. Wisconsin lawmakers responded by approving a bill to train McDonald’s employees in using handguns.

Women’s motorcycle land speed record holder Valerie Thompson survived when her streamlined bike crashed at 343mph. Thompson lost control of the bike when she passed her friend wearing a cute top and tried to flag her down to see where she got it.

Star Millie Bobby Brown tweeted support to a young boy after his sister posted on Twitter that none of his friends showed up to his Stranger Things themed birthday party.  Brown asked for an invite to next year’s party, while police worked to identify the bodies of the invitees who had been eaten by a demogorgon.

Walt Disney World reopened its “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction, after removing a scene depicting shackled women being auctioned as brides. The scene has been replaced with a ship being hijacked and the crew murdered, along with its renaming to “Somali Pirates of the Caribbean”.

Scientists in South Carolina found that a small daily dose of Viagra reduced the development of colorectal cancer in mice, and made the mice too busy to care about their colorectal cancer, anyway.

 

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A Yellowstone supervolcano may blow sooner than expected, producing enough ash and debris to wipe out the planet. The findings were shared by researchers from Arizona State, who received a D when they were reviewed by researchers from better schools.

The National Center for Health Statistics reports that obesity among U.S. adults has reached an all-time high. Facebook responded by launching its new Order Food feature nationwide.

Amazon will add 120,000 jobs for the holidays, including placing thousands of greeters at Walmart and Target stores reminding shoppers they don’t have to be there.

Rose McGowan’s suspension from Twitter over her criticism of alleged sexual harassers Harvey Weinstein and others has sent the #womenboycottTwitter hashtag trending — meaning that it isn’t exactly working.

The United States is pulling out of UNESCO — the United Nations Cultural Organization — over what the White House calls their anti-Israel bias. President Trump said that he remembered trick-or-treating for UNESCO when he was a kid, and keeping the money.

Vladimir Putin received a new puppy for his birthday. The puppy denies involvement in the mysterious deaths over the last week of its feline critics at his former shelter.

The head of a government bureau responsible for background checks said the volume of errors on Jared Kushner’s security clearance applications are “a new low”. Kushner’s application contained over 100 errors and omissions. Kushner told investigators he didn’t know it was a take-home project.

Miley Cyrus admitted that she was high while filming the video for ‘Wrecking Ball’. Producers confirmed this, saying they delayed shooting while they outfitted the wrecking ball with a seatbelt.

Dating app Bumble, where women make the first move, has launched Bumble Bizz, a feature of the app that lets women make networking connections. Bumble created the feature in response to complaints that men are hitting on women via LinkedIn – men will congratulate women on their new position, and ask if there are other positions they’d like to try.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told the Congressional Black Caucus that the company plans to add a black executive to the board of directors. She wouldn’t comment on the candidate, saying only that his initials were J.Z.

Mashable reports that major league sports teams from the NBA, NHL & MLB have all stopped staying at Trump Hotels while on the road. Frustrated Trump Hotel bar groupies have changed strategy and now set their sights on getting pregnant with really rich racists.