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Walmart announced they’ll stop selling ammunition for assault-style weapons. Sam’s Club announced a name change to Sam’s Gun Glub.

Ivanka Trump cut her hair in a blunt bob above the shoulders. “Who’s the hot soccer mom?” her Dad asked an aide when Ivanka returned to Washington.

McKrae Game, founder of Hope for Wholeness Network, a conversion therapy program designed to rid people of their gay identities, came out himself as gay. Friends and program participants grew suspicious when he expanded Disco Night to 7 nights/week.

Grocery chain Kroger asked its customers to no longer openly carry firearms into stores. If two people are fighting over the last rotisserie chicken, a store manager will flip a coin to settle it instead of the usual shootout.

Jonah Hill is engaged to girlfriend Gianna Santos. Santos is picking out a dress, and Hill is deciding whether to be big or thin.

Four 10-year-old white boys posted an online diss track directed at Cardi B, with hurtful lines like “you belong in a zoo” and “they could fix your teeth but they couldn’t fix your face.” Cardi replied “go drink your motherf**king milk”. Security is being beefed up for the 4th Grade Talent Show.

Viral video showed a rat falling into a deep fryer at a Whataburger restaurant in Texas. His family requests privacy during this difficult time as they mourn at a nearby Burger King.

Mental health websites in Europe were discovered to be sharing user data with advertisers, according to people bombarded with ads asking if they were “crazy about Perrier.”

A kilo of cocaine washed up on a Melbourne, Florida beach in the wake of Hurricane Dorian. Dorian now owes El Chapo’s cousin twenty grand.

Michigan became the first state to ban flavored e*cigarettes. Ohio seized on the opportunity to boost tourism, announcing the Watermelon Juul Pod Festival.

 

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A U.S. doctor said he used his Apple Watch to detect a deadly heart condition. The watch determined he was lifting a Double Whopper at Burger King.

The FDA approved Vyleesi, a drug to stimulate women’s sexual desire, administered via self-injection to the thigh or abdomen. However, women are advised against telling their partner they’re ready for sex because they just stabbed themselves in the stomach.

A French golfer was disqualified from a tournament because he ran out of balls on the 16th hole. The French golfer contended it wasn’t disqualification, it was surrender.

A University of California – Irvine study claims ocean bacteria colonize your body after 10 minutes of swimming. Bacteria at the Jersey Shore colonized swimmers’ bodies and made them smell like Polo and Drakkar Noir.

The Centers for Disease Control claims 1 in 4 Americans suffer from arthritis. They actually believe the number is even higher, because arthritic shoulders keep some from raising their hands to be counted.

‘Love & Hip Hop’ star Teairra Mari was arrested for DUI after driving her car through the Queens-Midtown Tunnel with only three wheels. She’s scheduled to appear in court, and then in an upcoming episode of ‘Pimp My Four-Door Tricycle’.

Senator Bernie Sanders is proposing the elimination of all $1.6 trillion in student debt by taxing Wall Street institutions. “Cool!” said a master’s degree holder in art history during their break at an Amazon warehouse.

Half of the global Internet was down as of 7a.m. Monday morning. If you’re reading this, nevermind.

Manhattan Cryobank – a New York City sperm bank – is facing multiple lawsuits from buyers who claim they were sold sperm carrying genetic diseases. They’re seeking financial damages, and have refused Manhattan Cryobank’s offer of store credit.

In Spain, citizens celebrated El Colacho, where men dress as devils and hurdle over newborn babies to drive away evil. Only thin, athletic “devils” are used for obvious reasons.

 

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According to the Brookings Institute, artificial intelligence is replacing a high percentage of ‘first jobs’, leaving middle managers wondering how to sexually harass artificial intelligence.

An author claims that secret FBI tapes exist, indicating Martin Luther King, Jr. had over 40 extramarital affairs. The authenticity of the claim is in question, but King apparently had more than one dream.

Virginia Beach officials are outraged that over 10 tons of trash were left on the beach over Memorial Day weekend at a ‘Floatopia’ summer kickoff – by the tons of trash who visited there.

Burger King states its restaurants serving the meatless Impossible Whopper experienced an 18% increase in traffic.  Arby’s stated restaurants serving their greek gyros experienced a 98% increase in traffic to the restrooms.

Actress Mandy Moore completed her climb to the base camp of Mount Everest. “There is so much magic in these mountains!” she wrote, as the bodies of dead climbers were dragged by her on sleds.

Apple announced it’s bringing back the iPod Touch. They asked prospective buyers if they thought they’d miss the phone function, to which they replied “the what?”

12 people were injured as tornados touched down in Kansas – all are expected to survive, but without any of them learning valuable lessons about heart, intellect & courage.

Pokemon GO will soon access players’ sleep data and give rewards for good sleep habits. Parents whose kids tell them they got a Squirtle in bed shouldn’t get too worried.

Alaska Airlines topped J.D. Power’s North American Airlines Satisfaction Ratings among traditional carriers. Frontier Airlines ranked last among all carriers, and charged passengers $49 to complete the survey.

Amazon announced you can now order voice assistant Alexa to forget what you just said. Alexa will confirm, but then somehow manage to bring it up the next time you get in a fight.

 

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The unmarked grave of Joseph Merrick – better known as The Elephant Man — has been discovered after 130 years.  They knew it was his because the coffin was really big and misshapen at one end.

It’s Teacher Appreciation Week – so students nationwide are tying ribbons on their middle fingers before they flip ’em up behind their teacher’s back.

Duchess Meghan Markle delivered a 7-pound 3-ounce baby boy at 5:26a.m. local time. She was crowning shortly before, and the baby is a longshot to be crowned in about fifty years.

The owner of disqualified Kentucky Derby winner Maximum Security will appeal the decision. Maximum Security was shown to have jumped over a puddle and made contact with other horses, instead of laying down a blanket so girl horses could safely run through the puddle.

The maker of meatless Impossible Burgers – which will be rolled out to Burger King nationwide – says they’re running out of them. So, for the time being, they’re Nothingburgers.

E! Network cancelled actress Busy Philipps’ talk show. On May 16, they’ll air the last episode of ‘Busy Tonight’, on May 17, she will be Free Tonight.

Hallmark Channel aired new episodes of ‘When Calls The Heart’ without star Lori Loughlin. Hallmark fired Loughlin in the wake of the Operation Varsity Blues scandal, and will base their decision to hire her back on the finale of ‘When Given The Sentence’.

Uber & Lyft drivers plan to strike between 7 and 9a.m. Wednesday, as they seek to guarantee a minimum hourly wage. Women seeking an Uber or Lyft that morning are advised not to get in one that isn’t at least two hours away.

A new study found chemical sunscreens enter the bloodstream after just one day of use. The discovery was originally made after a young woman cut herself the day after visiting the beach and noticed that Coppertone smell.

Planet Fitness said it’s opening 225 new gyms, many in former Sears and Toys R Us locations. They expect to sign up thousands of out-of-shape uncool people who still visit the locations out of habit.

 

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Police in Oklahoma pulled over a woman driving a car with a tire missing and a full margarita in her cup holder. Police told her that they could see her rim, and she told them it has salt on it.

Facebook plans to implement a Content Oversight Board to review material posted there. Board members must like kittens and be able to read & speak Russian.

Burger King is partnering with Impossible Foods to offer a new version of its Whopper made with plant protein containing no meat. They plan to introduce it with an original Whopper ad slogan – it takes two hands to toss the Veggie Whopper in the garbage.

Carly Rae Jepsen will release her fourth album, ‘Dedicated’, next month. “Buy it, maybe” said Jepsen, reminding everyone who she is.

A second female is accusing former VP Joe Biden of inappropriate behavior, saying he leaned in to rub her nose against his. When Biden’s nose touched hers, the golden retriever puppy ran away.

Magician David Blaine is being investigated by the NYPD following claims of sexual assault. Police issued a search warrant to Blaine, seeking to find the bottom halves of the women.

The Global Drug Survey – conducted with 22,000 respondents worldwide – reveals people in Britain are most likely to combine sex and drugs. Anything to avoid British food.

Gmail added a message scheduling feature. So, go ahead and write that email firing people and schedule it to send at 4:45p.m.. on the Friday before your two-week vacation.

A California couple found a hidden camera disguised as a smoke detector above the bed in the Airbnb they’d rented. They discovered it when the speaker on the smoke detector told them to stop smoking because it was tough to see them having sex.

Jared Kushner said that ex-felons in Florida – now eligible to vote – are part of ‘the new coalition that President Trump is building’. By ‘coalition’ it’s presumed that Kushner means ‘staff’, either at the White House or Mar-A-Lago.

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Scientists discovered a fossilized ancient sea creature and named it Obamus coranatus in honor of President Barack Obama. The tiny disc-shaped animal was a half-inch long, lived on the ocean floor, likely never moved on its own, but still had affordable health insurance.

A man with a face tattoo of a handgun has been charged in South Carolina with illegal possession of a firearm. He was released on bond and ordered to surrender his forehead.

  • “Does your face hurt?” asked the presiding judge, adding “because it’s killing innocent people..”

On E! show ‘Total Bellas’ WWE star Nikki Bella reveals that her one-time fiance John Cena has agreed to undergo a reverse vasectomy with the goal of getting her pregnant. Doctors say the procedure will take longer than usual, since Cena’s sperm need to be woken up after years wearing super-snug wrestling trunks.

President Trump gave a speech to the National Federation of Independent Business, then hugged the American flag as he walked off stage. Barron Trump then wrapped himself in a flag and waited for his dad to get home, but got nothing.

Protesters angry over immigrant children being separated from their families at the U.S. southern border shouted “shame” at Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen as she dined at a Mexican restaurant in Washington, D.C.  Nielsen then separated herself from her chair and deported herself to the rest room without finishing her chimichangas.

A new NBC News report says that the cost of temporary housing for separated children of detained illegal immigrants is $775 per person per night.  After seeing the story, President Trump had all the kids bused to the nearest Trump Hotel and charged them $750/night.

Ivanka Trump reportedly met with her father to discuss ending the separation of children – so the President sent Air Force One to bring Ivanka’s three kids home from summer camp.

An Arkansas man was arrested after attempting to pay for his restaurant meal with a credit card that was stolen from his waitress two days earlier. The waitress said it killed her to have him arrested because he left a 25% tip.

Amazon is opening up its clothing try-on service, Prime Wardrobe, to all Prime subscribers. The service lets you choose three to eight items to be shipped to your home, with a week to try them on and decide what to keep. Amazon also sends two-sizes-larger items to subscribers if they watch more than 40 hours of Prime Video each week.

Burger King Russia is apologizing for a promotion offering lifelong free Whoppers and $47,000 to women impregnated by World Cup soccer players. The program ended after a female Russian lawmaker complained, and after Russian Burger Kings were overrun with women urinating on pregnancy tests in the dining room.

  • “I’m disappointed the pregnancy promotion is over, it seemed like a good idea” said Russian Maury Povich.

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The LPGA announced a new dress code for its women golfers — banning ‘plunging necklines’ and ‘short skirts’ that don’t cover the player’s buttocks. The rules come just days after women competed in the U.S. Women’s Open at Trump National, a club where the women’s dress code requires plunging necklines and short skirts that don’t cover players’ buttocks.

Wild monkeys – specifically, feral macaques – are scaring residents in central Florida. The groups of monkeys are taking up residence in backyards and chasing visitors to a state park where the monkeys live in large numbers. Animal experts say that the monkeys are highly intelligent and adaptable, meaning they’ll probably want to leave Florida soon.

Traces of fecal coliform bacteria a.k.a. ‘poop bacteria’ were detected in drinks purchased at U.K. locations of McDonalds, Burger King and KFC. KFC responded by immediately shutting down ice machines at affected locations; McDonalds and Burger King responded by saying the drinks are still a lot safer than the hamburgers.

Diners at a Chipotle location in Dallas captured video of rodents in the restaurant. The store manager states that the rodents were removed; the rodents say they left after finding out that guacamole costs a little extra.

  • Following reports of norovirus at a Chipotle in Virginia, the chain offered a short buy one/get one promotion, called Diarrhea Loves Company.

Charlize Theron’s new action movie, Atomic Blonde, opens this month. The film will not be shown in North Korea, where Atomic Blonde is what they call Donald Trump.

OJ Simpson’s parole hearing received extensive coverage on broadcast and cable networks. A confused, angry President Trump was left to tweet about Fake News he thinks he saw on Golf Channel.

  • Simpson was granted parole. He thanked the board and said he can’t wait to get out and work with Leslie Nielsen again.

The LA Times reported that former Dean of Medicine at USC, Carmen Puliafito, used meth & ecstasy and partied with prostitutes while on the job. Puliafito, who resigned in 2016, awaits his cabinet appointment as President Trump’s Drug Czar.

‘Despacito’, just certified the most streamed song ever, has been banned by Malaysian Government Radio for being too sexually suggestive. In other news, John Denver’s Greatest Hits topped Malaysia’s Top 40 for the 2000th straight week.

Dallas, TX hired Ulysha Renee Hall, its first-ever female police chief. Accepting the position, Hall said “women add that special something to law enforcement that truly, truly calms the savage beasts.” As what that ‘special something’ was, Hall replied ‘guns’.

Donald Trump blasted Attorney General Jeff Sessions in a New York Times interview for recusing himself from the Russia investigation. Sessions told reporters he’s stay on the job, but that he’d give Trump something he knows nothing about, the silent treatment.