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Parts of Hawai’i received up to two feet of rain on Monday & Tuesday. “I can’t remember this area seeing something this bad” said attendees at the 80th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

The Christmas tree outside of Fox News in New York caught fire, after briefly coming into contact with Tucker Carlson’s pants.

Olaf Scholz officially succeds Angela Merkel as Chancellor of Germany, after the country decided they needed leadership with an even-more-German-sounding name.

The Blanco Fracture Zone, a fault line off the Oregon coast, generated 40 earthquakes in 24 hours. Oregonian hipsters were cool with it, though, because they were organic.

Donald Trump’s new social media company filed a presentation with the Securities & Exchange Commission that only gave partial names of its employees, listing a Senior Mobile Developer as “BJ”. New CEO Devin Nunes said they confused “employees” and “benefits”.

One of the accusers in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking trial said Maxwell “assessed her body” for presentation to Epstein when she was just 14. And whaddaya know?…she passed. [Editors Note: Ghislaine Maxwell is a goddamned monster and should never see freedom again.]

Workers at three Starbucks shops in Buffalo, NY are voting to unionize. Union organizers say the workers need to be treated fairly, while Starbucks said the union’s request for snow days will put the stores out of business within a week.

China’s Yutu 2 lunar rover captured images of a mysterious “hut” on the far side of the Moon. Little is known about the hut, except for its red roof and a tabletop Ms. Pac-Man console.

The Omicron variant of COVID-19 was confirmed in Florida. It didn’t want to go, but it needed to use air & hotel miles before the end of the year.

NASA announced they’ve commissioned a new telescope to see inside black holes, and also graduated 10 new astronauts – five of whom aren’t thrilled to be sent into whatever black holes the telescope finds.

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Vanderpump Rules star Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora Todd, is pregnant. Suffice to say someone opened her box.

California’s Dixie wildfire is now the second-largest in state history. Those in Dixie land who take their stand are, generally, dying in Dixie.

Following Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham selling the rights to their music catalogs for tens of millions, Fleetwood Mac keyboardist Christine McVie sold her song rights. She used the proceeds to buy new tires for her Camry.

Greece has also been experiencing devastating wildfires. Large cargo planes have been dropping oatmeal and baking soda, since that’s how you extinguish a Greece fire.

Embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo – facing sexual harassment accusations from 11 women – had his top assistant, Secretary Melissa DeRosa, resign. DeRosa said she was tired of being 12th on the Governor’s list.

Olympian Simone Biles wowed Instagram followers with a bikini photo and a new braided hairstyle she’s calling the Twisty.

Philip Morris International – maker of Marlboro and other tobacco cigarettes – said they’ll stop selling Marlboros in the U.K. in ten years. Meanwhile, middle-aged cowboys are reportedly auditioning for print ads featuring the Narlboro Man.

Germany’s modern pentathlon coach Kim Raisner was disqualified from the Tokyo Olympics for punching a horse that refused to jump during equestrian events. The horse also reportedly refused a bouquet of carrots Raisner sent to it.

Bruce Springsteen’s daughter Jessica won a silver medal in equestrian competition at the Tokyo Olympic games. The horse praised Jessica for strapping her hands across his engines.

A Colorado Rockies fan, accused of yelling the n-word at a Miami Marlins player, may have actually been saying “Dinger”, the name of the team’s dinosaur mascot. For the record, Dinger clarified that he’s actually purple, not black.

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Actor Thomas Middleditch is accused of unwanted sexual behavior at the members-only Cloak & Dagger goth club in Los Angeles. Identifying him was challenging because it’s, like, really really reeeeeally dark in there.

A National Guard convoy carrying COVID-19 vaccines in Texas was ambushed by a 65-year-old man with a gun. “Stop them shots or I’ll shoot, varmints!” yelled Yosemite Sam, Anti-Vaxxer.

A Serbian model claims she was offered over $50,000 to seduce married tennis champion Novak Djokovic as part of an extortion plot. She hasn’t identified the men behind the plot, but if she does, they face racketeering charges.

A Philadelphis woman was apprehended after she shot a man and stole his vehicle, part of National Gender Equity in Carjacking Month.

YouTube relationship expert Derrick Jaxn admitted to cheating on his wife of four years. As for his behavior, his wife neither Liked or Subscribed to it.

Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson now faces 16 lawsuits for inappropriate sexual behavior. Multiple lawyers have now joined three NFL teams attempting to work out a deal for Deshaun Watson.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel dropped plans for a five-day national shutdown over the Easter holiday, following critical remarks from the ruthless, yet highly efficient, German Easter Bunny.

Amazon delivery drivers must agree to be watched by surveillance cameras as part of their jobs. Some say it’s an invasion of privacy, Amazon said cameras ensure safety, and give feedback on how drivers can have better sex with lonely housewives.

A daycare worker used a Sharpie to write “I’m Out Of Diapers” on a baby’s belly before sending the child home. Later, the baby’s mom flipped him over and found “Final Notice: Out of Diapers” written on his buttocks.

Nokia plans to build a 4G LTE wireless network on the moon – to be followed by a Boost Mobile store for astronauts with so-so credit scores.

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Barack Obama & Bruce Springsteen are producing a podcast about marriage, music and American Life. Toby Keith & Donald Trump are launching their own podcast, to talk about how much they hate Bruce Springsteen & Barack Obama.

American Idol fans were angry about a trans boy being sent home from his audition, while a lesser talent singing a Pitbull song advanced. The judges defended their choice, saying Hollywood has room for two lesser talents singing Pitbull songs.

Karachi, Pakistan is training a rollerblade police force. Several bank robbers have evaded capture by covering their escape route with Tinkertoys.

Tiger Woods suffered leg injuries in a car crash. Initial reports said he had to be removed with the jaws of life, but medics were able to get him out with a wedge.

The FDA confirmed the efficacy and safety of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine, especially in severe cases. J&J is calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

Texas won a court case halting the Biden Administration’s 100-day ban on deporting illegal immigrants. Said illegal immigrants “it’s okay, you can deport us, its freezing here”.

A German court convicted a Syrian officer for crimes against humanity, for sending protestors to a prison known for using torture. Because if there’s a country that knows about crimes against humanity, it’s Germany.

Jim Bell, Chief Financial Officer of Gamestop, is resigning, informing coworkers with a message on his computer screen reading GAME OVER.

New York City is reopening movie theaters, just in time for the big premiere of nothing much.

China’s Tianwen-1 Mars expedition craft entered a ‘parking orbit’ prior to landing. China’s Mars rover is expected to touch down in May, then promptly back into NASA’s Perseverance rover.

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Southwest Airlines mailed $5,000 checks and $1,000 travel vouchers to each of the passengers on Flight 1380, where a passenger died after an engine blew. Allegiant Air got the passenger list and mailed each of them a chance to “relive their midair thrill ride”.

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack was arrested for her part in an alleged sex cult, NXIVM, that recruited women to be slaves of founder Keith Raniere while giving him thousands of dollars. The arrest is the culmination of a year-long investigative report by The Daily Planet’s Lois Lane.

Kateri and Jay Schwandt of Rockford, Michigan – parents of 13 boys – welcomed a 14th boy, Finley Sheboygan Schwandt. The older boys sent invitations to an upcoming ceremony welcoming him to the family with his first wedgie and noogie.

President Trump’s doctor, Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson, faces Senate confirmation hearings to become the new secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs. His first meeting will be a private one, where he’ll be asked to turn his head and cough.

A Texas charter school teacher is apologizing after issuing an assignment to an 8th grade history class, asking them to document “positive aspects of slavery.’ The teacher was placed on leave, but not before giving an ‘A’ to a student who listed ‘agricultural skill building’, ‘team-based learning’, and ‘peer-to-peer networking opportunities’.

A 10-year-old girl in Carlisle PA was the only student in her grammar school to request participation in the National School Walkout, so she was joined by her father. After the protest, her dad returned to his 11th grade shop class.

An ‘overwhelmed’ Brooklyn U.S. Postal Service mailman is accused of stashing over 17,000 pieces of mail, some dating back to 2005. An underachieving man still delivering pizzas in Bed Stuy was devastated to learn he didn’t get into Harvard’s Class of 2010 after all.

Lebron James bought all of his Cleveland Cavaliers teammates matching suits prior to Game 3 of their playoff series against the Indiana Pacers – a game the Cavs lost to go down 2-1 in the series. James said he bought the suits so the other players can look good interviewing for their next team.

22-year-old Roger Alvarado of Homestead, Florida was arrested for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York City townhome, where police discovered him taking a nap. Alvarado is hoping to post bail so that he can resume touring and break into Swift’s other homes.

Harley Davidson motorcycles is hiring paid summer interns to ride Harleys across the country. A spokesperson said that the interns’ majors aren’t as important as looking like they plan to drop out.

An Iowa woman who left her four children – 12-year-old twins, a 7- and a 6-year-old – home alone with a loaded handgun while she visited Germany for 11 days, was sentenced to two years’ probation. She is forbidden from contact with her children, but is expected to return to accept a German Mother Of The Year Award.

A South Texas man was sentenced to 50 years in prison for stealing $1.2 million worth of fajitas. Prior to sentencing, the judge warned him that his jail cell would be extremely hot.

Nabi Tajima, the world’s oldest woman, died in her native Japan at age 117. Experts estimate she was at least 20 years late to her own funeral.

 

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A giant 13-by-13 foot concrete swastika was unearthed beneath a sports field in Hamburg, Germany. German officials intend to destroy it with jackhammers, but only after President Trump deemed it too expensive to transport to Washington.

A female Twitter user’s hack for sneaking food into movie theaters by using a fake foam ‘baby bump’ has gone viral; since then, dozens of women have been thrown out of cinemas after their Mountain Dew broke.

John Lasseter, writer/creator of the Toy Story movies and Chief Creative Officer of Pixar/Disney Animation, is taking a six-month leave of absence amid accusations of sexual misconduct by female employees. Lasseter will spend time-out dreaming up new adventures for Woody.

Saudi Arabia plans to issue its first tourist visas in 2018, and at the same time will introduce ‘Saudi Prime’, which includes free two-day shipping for incoming brides.

A 6-year-old Wisconsin girl shot and killed a six-point buck, the first to do so after the state nixed its minimum hunting age. Her father – who was with her – was reportedly “beaming”. Her 4-year-old brother is reportedly “terrified.”

Uber paid a $100,000 ransom to hackers who stole the data of 50 million riders and 7 million drivers. Investigators believe the hackers were competing taxi drivers, since they wouldn’t accept a credit card.

While smoking is still the number one cause of cancer, updated research from the American Cancer Society attributes an increasing number of cancer-related deaths to obesity and alcohol consumption – leading some doctors to lobby for warning labels on the floor mats at Dunkin Donuts and Buffalo Wild Wings.

New data from the Centers for Disease Control reveal the drunkest city in every U.S. state – except for Kentucky and Tennessee, where multiple cities are in the midst of a lengthy binge to break each’s 10-way tie.

Atlanta imploded the Georgia Dome, the biggest collapse the city has witnessed since the Super Bowl.

The Wall Street Journal reports that many Chief Financial Officers are discontinuing the use of Microsoft Excel, saying the ubiquitous spreadsheet software hasn’t kept up with modern financial analysis needs such as large data manipulation, and modeling payouts to executives dismissed for sexual harassment.